There is a mandatory "Helping Kids Survive Divorce" class the county required us to take as part of the divorce. In the class they recommend parents that are struggling to cooperate use some sort of tool to communicate about the kids that doesn't actually involve talking. Adam suggested a website that costs $100 per person. I purchased one of those $5 accordion type folders that had seven sections. Each kid has a section and I put papers in their section that Adam needs to see. I also send letters about anything that has happened. So far it is working well for getting info to him. I still haven't figured out how to get info about the kids from him.
The last letter I sent was letting him know how the well visits went for the three oldest girls. The younger of them still needs to be in a certain kind of car seat: Adam doesn't even have her in a booster. The oldest was recommended to a therapist. The middle one, the self harmer, is still doing as she does. I included a reminder of the bills that Adam needs to reimburse me for: psych appt., ER, schools fees. I was surprised to see a handwritten response when the kids came back. It was something to the effect: I literally have no money. If you continue to incur costs I cannot reimburse you. I really want to swear at his lack of regard for the children. Does he think I want our daughter to cut herself? Does he think suicide notes and plans are typical 12 yr old behavior to be ignored? What would he rather me do, ignore it all and let her continue to spiral into a hell she can't be saved from?
I really thought that as much as he hurt me, continues to hurt me, at least he loved the kids and would take care of them. But I was wrong. He loves them, in a way he is able but he doesn't provide for them or care for them. This is obvious to me and is getting to be obvious to the older kids. It hurts to know. I wish he would either fix himself so he stops ruining them or walk away, completely. They deserve to be loved and respected and valued more than anything. They are miracles, each of them. Maybe he doesn't get that because he wasn't the one that almost died to give them life. Maybe because becoming a father was simple it never dawned on him how precious and fragile their existence was and still is. Or maybe he just needs a baseball bat to the back of the head to knock some sense into him.
A couple days later The Oldest told me he hurt her feelings. He asked her if she really needed the therapist. She said yes. He said, Fine, if you really need it. He made her defend herself. He is stupid.
He also lacked the courtesy to send me a message prior to bringing the kids home to warn me The Oldest had cut her hair off. As in 10 inches of hair gone, most of it shaved off! I send him emails asking if I can trim hair and he cannot even let me know she cut it without his knowledge. I wish it were an option to give him what he gives me. But I am court ordered to keep him in the loop. He doesn't think I should be told anything about what happens during his parenting. So as much as I wanted to leave him in the dark, when I got home on Monday and discovered that Little One had lost her first tooth, I took a picture and emailed it to him. No , " Thank you," or "cute!"
The shame in all he has done is that I doubt I will ever forgive him. I can't, not now that it is effecting the children. His inability, arrogance, ignorance, whatever, has done too much damage to forgive.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I offended him
Adam confuses me on a routine basis even a year after he kicked off this midlife crisis/mental health crisis. Oldest has her birthday coming this weekend. As tradition, I am keeping to giving the kids options for gifts that make memories instead of just loading them with things. Oldest had mentioned going to a Twenty One Pilots concert. I also offered $50. She said she really wanted to go to the concert and she wanted to take me because she thought I would like the music.
Last weekend, continuing a new-ish tradition, I took her to a coffee place nearby and we also got breakfast. While we were out she mentioned the concert again and the opening act, a band I actually know and like.
It just so happens, Adam sent an email dealing with this same topic. He wrote:
Oldest really wanted tickets for her birthday. Icon For Hire is playing at Warped Tour. I was thinking of getting her tickets, but I'm giving an all-day class for high-school students that day. I might have Spencer take her, but I'm not sure yet. The other alternatives are Fall Out Boy (I also won't have them), or Twenty One Pilots (not my weekend with them). MCR and Panic at the Disco aren't touring, but they'd be my other choices. Is there any possibility that I'd get to take her to a concert if I got her tickets, even if it's not my time with her?
I read Oldest the email. She said she doesn't like festivals and she really wanted to go with me to the one concert. I asked if she wanted me to pass the info to daddy. She said yes. I told her to not necessarily expect a yes. She said she could simply remind him that I let him take her and Oldest Son to two different concerts during my parenting time. I told her she could do that if she wanted but I didn't expect her to. I also said we should give him the chance to say yes.
In my message to Adam I let him know Oldest had already asked that I take her to a concert. This concert is different than the one he offered. He was going to take her to a festival that Twenty One Pilots was playing at, she had found an actual concert on their tour. I explained this was actually during his parenting time and I could bring her to him that night or the next morning.
His response was what Oldest expected, sadly. He said he had no objections to me taking her, but he wished it wasn't during his parenting time. He wrote, "I get to see my kids 6 days a month, which is less than anybody they know, including your boyfriend and your mom's boyfriend. I'm surprised you don't find it offensive to ask. Have Oldest talk to me, and I'll think about it.
Then he talked about a letter he received for me from the IRS. he wanted to know if I wanted him to scan it and email it or just send it with the children.
I know this blog is titled "Not Biting My Tongue" but I still do edit my responses to Adam. My actual response was simply, "Thank you for considering it." But my initial response was to point out exactly what Oldest had said. I also wanted to point out that the amount of time he sees the children, our children not just his children, is actually more than what he wanted just a couple months ago. I was going to remind him that he got pissed about picking them up after school on his Wednesdays and wanted to push it four hours later. But now he is using this less time to lecture me? I don't think so. In the child support paperwork his attorney also used "because the father will have more parenting time" as a reason to deviate to a lower amount of support. So, no asshole, you do not get to use this argument. Mom's boyfriend does see the children more than Adam. Mom's car broke so her boyfriend drives her to pick Littlest up from preschool. Littlest hangs out with the two until I get home and they spend Fridays with him. If it weren't for mom's boyfriend I would have no option but to put Littlest in daycare after school and Fridays which would mean an increase in Adam's financial obligations and our child would be spending all the hours with people other than family but still someone not Adam. As far as Gary spending time with Littlest? Yep, that happens. Gary spends time with all the children when he is here and he plays with them and talks with them and is a huge help. Shame on Adam for putting a negative on these men spending quality time with our children. Shame on him for being so wrapped up in himself that he can't see that the children have a great support system.
Next, why would I find it offensive to send him a message from Oldest? Why would it be offensive to let him know that for her 15th birthday she wanted me to take her to a concert that neither of us have any control over when it occurs? Why would I find it offensive to ask to take her especially when he had asked the very same thing?
I wanted to tell him I do not find it offensive but do find the other things offensive:
Him asking for less parenting time.
Him asking to pay less child support after he voluntary took a lower paying job.
Him belittling me.
Him not giving me my mail.
Him refusing to help with medical, dental, and vision appointments.
Him not showing up when our child was suicidal.
Him claiming I cheated on him after he asked to open the marriage.
Him cancelling parenting tome because he was flying a stranger into town so they could have sex.
Him cancelling parenting time so he could go to Dragon Con with a girlfriend.
Him bring a girlfriend to the Muse show before he even introduced the children.
Him not telling me about the women he has in the home around the children on a regular basis.
Him not treating Little One's lice for five weeks.
Him not taking Little Girl to the ER for her head injury and very likely concussion.
Him showing the children emails from me and saying, "Look how mean she is to me."
Him refusing to give me the children back for my parenting time.
Him bullying me into letting him buy a house around the corner.
Him raping me.
Those things I find offensive. I do not find it offensive letting him know what our daughter wants for her birthday.
Last weekend, continuing a new-ish tradition, I took her to a coffee place nearby and we also got breakfast. While we were out she mentioned the concert again and the opening act, a band I actually know and like.
It just so happens, Adam sent an email dealing with this same topic. He wrote:
Oldest really wanted tickets for her birthday. Icon For Hire is playing at Warped Tour. I was thinking of getting her tickets, but I'm giving an all-day class for high-school students that day. I might have Spencer take her, but I'm not sure yet. The other alternatives are Fall Out Boy (I also won't have them), or Twenty One Pilots (not my weekend with them). MCR and Panic at the Disco aren't touring, but they'd be my other choices. Is there any possibility that I'd get to take her to a concert if I got her tickets, even if it's not my time with her?
I read Oldest the email. She said she doesn't like festivals and she really wanted to go with me to the one concert. I asked if she wanted me to pass the info to daddy. She said yes. I told her to not necessarily expect a yes. She said she could simply remind him that I let him take her and Oldest Son to two different concerts during my parenting time. I told her she could do that if she wanted but I didn't expect her to. I also said we should give him the chance to say yes.
In my message to Adam I let him know Oldest had already asked that I take her to a concert. This concert is different than the one he offered. He was going to take her to a festival that Twenty One Pilots was playing at, she had found an actual concert on their tour. I explained this was actually during his parenting time and I could bring her to him that night or the next morning.
His response was what Oldest expected, sadly. He said he had no objections to me taking her, but he wished it wasn't during his parenting time. He wrote, "I get to see my kids 6 days a month, which is less than anybody they know, including your boyfriend and your mom's boyfriend. I'm surprised you don't find it offensive to ask. Have Oldest talk to me, and I'll think about it.
Then he talked about a letter he received for me from the IRS. he wanted to know if I wanted him to scan it and email it or just send it with the children.
I know this blog is titled "Not Biting My Tongue" but I still do edit my responses to Adam. My actual response was simply, "Thank you for considering it." But my initial response was to point out exactly what Oldest had said. I also wanted to point out that the amount of time he sees the children, our children not just his children, is actually more than what he wanted just a couple months ago. I was going to remind him that he got pissed about picking them up after school on his Wednesdays and wanted to push it four hours later. But now he is using this less time to lecture me? I don't think so. In the child support paperwork his attorney also used "because the father will have more parenting time" as a reason to deviate to a lower amount of support. So, no asshole, you do not get to use this argument. Mom's boyfriend does see the children more than Adam. Mom's car broke so her boyfriend drives her to pick Littlest up from preschool. Littlest hangs out with the two until I get home and they spend Fridays with him. If it weren't for mom's boyfriend I would have no option but to put Littlest in daycare after school and Fridays which would mean an increase in Adam's financial obligations and our child would be spending all the hours with people other than family but still someone not Adam. As far as Gary spending time with Littlest? Yep, that happens. Gary spends time with all the children when he is here and he plays with them and talks with them and is a huge help. Shame on Adam for putting a negative on these men spending quality time with our children. Shame on him for being so wrapped up in himself that he can't see that the children have a great support system.
Next, why would I find it offensive to send him a message from Oldest? Why would it be offensive to let him know that for her 15th birthday she wanted me to take her to a concert that neither of us have any control over when it occurs? Why would I find it offensive to ask to take her especially when he had asked the very same thing?
I wanted to tell him I do not find it offensive but do find the other things offensive:
Him asking for less parenting time.
Him asking to pay less child support after he voluntary took a lower paying job.
Him belittling me.
Him not giving me my mail.
Him refusing to help with medical, dental, and vision appointments.
Him not showing up when our child was suicidal.
Him claiming I cheated on him after he asked to open the marriage.
Him cancelling parenting tome because he was flying a stranger into town so they could have sex.
Him cancelling parenting time so he could go to Dragon Con with a girlfriend.
Him bring a girlfriend to the Muse show before he even introduced the children.
Him not telling me about the women he has in the home around the children on a regular basis.
Him not treating Little One's lice for five weeks.
Him not taking Little Girl to the ER for her head injury and very likely concussion.
Him showing the children emails from me and saying, "Look how mean she is to me."
Him refusing to give me the children back for my parenting time.
Him bullying me into letting him buy a house around the corner.
Him raping me.
Those things I find offensive. I do not find it offensive letting him know what our daughter wants for her birthday.
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