There is a mandatory "Helping Kids Survive Divorce" class the county required us to take as part of the divorce. In the class they recommend parents that are struggling to cooperate use some sort of tool to communicate about the kids that doesn't actually involve talking. Adam suggested a website that costs $100 per person. I purchased one of those $5 accordion type folders that had seven sections. Each kid has a section and I put papers in their section that Adam needs to see. I also send letters about anything that has happened. So far it is working well for getting info to him. I still haven't figured out how to get info about the kids from him.
The last letter I sent was letting him know how the well visits went for the three oldest girls. The younger of them still needs to be in a certain kind of car seat: Adam doesn't even have her in a booster. The oldest was recommended to a therapist. The middle one, the self harmer, is still doing as she does. I included a reminder of the bills that Adam needs to reimburse me for: psych appt., ER, schools fees. I was surprised to see a handwritten response when the kids came back. It was something to the effect: I literally have no money. If you continue to incur costs I cannot reimburse you. I really want to swear at his lack of regard for the children. Does he think I want our daughter to cut herself? Does he think suicide notes and plans are typical 12 yr old behavior to be ignored? What would he rather me do, ignore it all and let her continue to spiral into a hell she can't be saved from?
I really thought that as much as he hurt me, continues to hurt me, at least he loved the kids and would take care of them. But I was wrong. He loves them, in a way he is able but he doesn't provide for them or care for them. This is obvious to me and is getting to be obvious to the older kids. It hurts to know. I wish he would either fix himself so he stops ruining them or walk away, completely. They deserve to be loved and respected and valued more than anything. They are miracles, each of them. Maybe he doesn't get that because he wasn't the one that almost died to give them life. Maybe because becoming a father was simple it never dawned on him how precious and fragile their existence was and still is. Or maybe he just needs a baseball bat to the back of the head to knock some sense into him.
A couple days later The Oldest told me he hurt her feelings. He asked her if she really needed the therapist. She said yes. He said, Fine, if you really need it. He made her defend herself. He is stupid.
He also lacked the courtesy to send me a message prior to bringing the kids home to warn me The Oldest had cut her hair off. As in 10 inches of hair gone, most of it shaved off! I send him emails asking if I can trim hair and he cannot even let me know she cut it without his knowledge. I wish it were an option to give him what he gives me. But I am court ordered to keep him in the loop. He doesn't think I should be told anything about what happens during his parenting. So as much as I wanted to leave him in the dark, when I got home on Monday and discovered that Little One had lost her first tooth, I took a picture and emailed it to him. No , " Thank you," or "cute!"
The shame in all he has done is that I doubt I will ever forgive him. I can't, not now that it is effecting the children. His inability, arrogance, ignorance, whatever, has done too much damage to forgive.
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