Contempt

We had the contempt hearing.  I went prepared to discuss all my concerns just in case the magistrate asked the ever popular, "Is there anything else you would like the court to know at this time?"
I left work in plenty of time knowing that parking on a weekday is difficult downtown.  I found a spot but had to walk a bit.  Luck would have it Adam was taking the same walk...at the same time.  Not much more awkward can happen then standing at a cross walk with the defendant.
I proceeded to make my way to the courthouse, went upstairs, and sat myself down.  Adam and his attorney were within earshot.  He pointed me out to her and she approached me.  She was nice and introduced herself.  She continued on saying that Adam was prepared to pay me in full right that minute so would I be willing to accept the check and dismiss the contempt.  I looked at her calmly and stated, "no."  She took a second and asked, "No?  So you want to proceed with the hearing?"  And I replied, "Yes, I wish to proceed and have my motion heard."  She then went back to Adam and then left to talk in a private conference room.
It wasn't long before we got called into the magistrate's office.  She said it was my motion and to proceed.  I had no idea what that meant so I said his attorney approached me in the lobby and asked if I would accept the check and dismiss and I said no and wanted to proceed.  She said, So proceed.  I laughed at myself and then explained my reason for filing contempt.  In a nutshell: divorce decree says he owes me.  She then asked Adam his side.  He said the IRS never issued a check so he never got the money but it was automatically directed to the debt.  He also said there were other accounts and debts between us that hadn't been worked out, that we never discussed a way for him to pay me my 50%, and he closed by saying things have been really tight so he just couldn't pay.  The Magistrate tilted her head and asked, "Is that really your defense? You we her the money."  Then there was a discussion about how much he owed.  His attorney presented the amounts and said there was also a processing fee of $107.38.  The magistrate said nowhere in the decree did it say that would be split and she wasn't going to make me pay it.  The numbers were all worked out, she waived the court fee and said the court would issue a reimbursement to me.  Adam was able to write a check to me so she dismissed the contempt.
Adam left the room and as I put my jacket on I asked his attorney if there was anything she could do to help us not be back in court.  She said if he asks her advice she can urge him to follow the decree and parenting agreement.  She asked if there were issues I felt I could file about.  I said yes but I wanted to avoid court just as I had wanted to avoid it with this matter.  At that the Magistrate blurted, "But this is fun!"   I like her!  The attorney and I walked out together and she asked me for specifics.  I told her about the psych fees, school fees, not participating in all his parenting time, and refusal to share in the medical/dental responsibilities.  I also said it is alarming to me that when I try to engage him in discussions I get told things like, F off in all the ways you can imagine fing off.  I was very honest and told her if he isn't actually participating in the 50/50 part of parenting and telling me he won't, which I have in writing, then I will go back to court for full custody. She said she could tell him to follow the decree as best as she can interpret it and as far as it is in his best interest.  I stopped her and said, "Not his best interest, our children's.  He has been focused on his interests long enough."  She smiled sympathetically and said she would talk to him.
I left and walked to the van.  By the time I drove away Adam was still not back to his vehicle.  I can only hope that attorney said some words of wisdom that he took to heart.  I don't want to go back to court.  This was his freebie.  If there is a next time the Magistrate is not so likely to brush things away.  Next time he could be fined, or face jail time.  That helps no one.

One of us is crazy and I'm pretty certain it isn't me.

I sent Adam a simple email: Would you like to exchange cash for Concert tickets when I bring Oldest over after her concert?  Do you want printed tickets or would you rather I see if I can just transfer the electronic tickets to you/Oldest Son?

I got a very long response.  Very. Long.

"Hey Heather, I'm going to send a check back with Oldest Son for the Concert ticket and some kind of installment payment on the tax thing.  I'll have to do my bills tonight to see what I can afford but it will probably be in the few hundred dollars range each month until it's paid off.  I'm finally (mostly) out of hot water with the IRS and the credit card companies and Bank holding Mortgage, so i can start to work on this.  I'm also going to call Little Kid School in a min to update my address and your phone number.  Mrs. Second Grade Teacher wants to accelerate Littlest Girl just in reading, so I'll talk to her about that tonight.  I'd like your thoughts on that too.
Heather, a second important thing, can we both start being nice to each other please?  I used to love the ever living fuck out of you.  Some days I still do.  When you're not doing really mean things and threatening or bossing me, I tend to like to do nice things for you and cooperate. I do still think about you all the time believe it or not.  I've hurt you deeply, and you've hurt me deeply, and that all sucks, but let's please not keep doing that over and over and over.  It's stupid and we're both at fault for making things this way.  The kids say you've been much better to them this week so now I'm pretty happy with you.  I love them and if you treat them good and just don't treat me badly, then I'll bend over backwards to help you.  Consider this please.  Thanks. Adam. "

Luckily, I was busy composing my response to the first half of this message before the second half arrived via text.  If I hadn't my laughter would have been too much for me to text anything!

"Please send cash for the ticket.  I am already aware of Mrs. Second Grade Teacher's desire to put Littlest Girl in a third grade class for reading.  I signed the consent to have her and Little Girl tested for advancement, same as the last two years. "

Then he moved to an email reply.  Good thing I was at my desk to switch between the two!

"Exchanging cash for tickets at the same time would work great rather than sending money with Oldest Son. Id like the printed tickets because lots of things can go wrong with electronic transferring (also it will have all ther pertinent information on it). I'd much prefer to use a check for the installment though just so I have a record of it. I can come by your house briefly tonight whenever you're home. Just let me know when is most convenient. "

More laughter ensued.  I shared the conversation with a work companion, aka my filter and Jiminy Cricket.  She was just as amused as me.  I believe her first response was, "What the...?!"

I did not respond.  I couldn't.  I mean what could I even respond with?!

I'm speechless

I emailed Adam some updates about the kids:

Littlest: He doesn't have any soccer practices/games until next Tuesday.  After the previous game, the coaches talked to the game about paying attention.  Over the long weekend, they were asked to practice the new top secret move as well as passing.

I don't know if you were contacted on Thursday by the bus depot but in case you were not, Littlest fell asleep on the bus and was left on.  Mom called the depot as soon as the three other kids got home.  I was called an hour after he should have been dropped off, after mom already had him.  The school has not updated my information and only has your name and number.

Littlest Girl: She has two loose teeth.

Little Girl: She has four loose teeth.

Middle Son: He has at least one loose tooth. He fell during gym and has a banged up ankle.  He said it isn't bothering him but the bruise looks nasty.

He has also been signed up for a mentoring program.

Ms. I Hate The World: She started cutting again, last time she was at your place over a weekend.  She said she doesn't remember why.  I've asked her to start writing down what is going on when she has an urge or does cut.  I spoke to Dr. Therapist about it and he said if she continues to make an appointment whether she agrees to it or not.  He said if she would rather see someone else he can give some referrals.

She auditioned for a high school choir on Thursday.

Oldest Son: He will participate in an extra class TTh from 315-530pm.  He'll get 1/2 credit.  The Death Cab for Cutie concert is in two weeks.

Oldest: She's going from twice a month with Dr. Therapist to once a month.  The Twenty One Pilots concert is in two weeks.

School Fees fees: I paid $140 for Ms. I Hate The World's Choir and $140 for Oldest Son's Theatre.  That leaves you covering all of Creative Writing:  $140 for Oldest, $70 for Oldest Son, and $70 for Ms. I Hate The World.

Oldest needs $10 for Spanish or $10 for Science.  Oldest Son had $20 paid for his make-up kit and still needs $10 for Spanish and $10 for Science.  Ms. I Hate The World paid $5 for a lab fee and $3 toward French, she still needs $7 more for French.

If you need to bring any of the children over on work day mornings please text or call so I have a heads up.  If I am not expecting them, I leave before 7:30am.

I have been in contact with USAA to inquire about the escrow account being closed.  I am not authorized to request this, you need to do it.  Please call their mortgage company and make the request.  If there is paperwork associated with it, I will fill it all out but you are the one that needs to begin the request.

He couldn't just respond to the email in a simple manner. Oh no. :

Please make sure the school has your name and number on file for emergencies. Please let me know what the ticket and travel arrangements will be for the Death Cab for Cutie concert and the Twenty One Pilots concert (if applicable). Usually I don't know about the kids needing to get something from your house until right then but I can text you if I'm on the way. I don't know what you're talking about with "the escrow account." Particularly which house, when, what happened, and what are you asking me to do. Please be more specific so I can understand.

I received a court summons stating that you carried out your threat of taking me to court for contempt from not giving you the refund (I never got). I now must afford a lawyer in addition to everything else to avoid jail time. You knew that I never had money to send you, and I told you as much. This was a very aggressive and cruel act on your part and it makes me sad for you that this is what you're like now. The appearance is that you value money, hatred, control, and revenge more than your children's wellness and happiness. And that's unfortunate. Obviously with law stuff, I'll have to wait and see about School fees. 

Please ensure Oldest Son and all of the other kids have all of their basic hygiene needs met. It is inappropriate to hide his toothbrush and deodorant because he didn't clean his room (or any other arbitrary reason). He's an adolescent and those are essential items. The kids have basic rights as humans, and you've been overstepping them. I've been bringing him more deodorant each time. He was embarrassed to ask because it's humiliating to him. That parenting behavior is unacceptable no matter what your reasoning is, and whatever nice things you might do for him don't offset that. 

Ms. I Hate The World has showed up having cut herself at your house without exception every time she has come to visit. I ask her and we've talked about them. People that cut do so in order to have something that they can control, so if she's in a situation where she doesn't feel like she has any control over anything, we need to change that. I recommend she see someone else besides Dr. Therapist because she's already said she doesn't feel comfortable talking with him. I would also like for her to come live with me full-time, for her own safety and wellness. This has gotten out of hand and we need to do something dramatically different. 

I would also like for Oldest to come live with me. She is incredibly depressed at your house and both her and Ms. I hate The World have asked (individually) numerous times that I let them move in. Teenagers are hard, and I understand that there may be things between you and your girls that I don't understand, but I want to respect their wishes and give them a safe and happy environment to live their teenage years. You might need some space in order to develop the kind of relationship you wanted with them. 

In general, when the kids have seen you act aggressively (toward me and toward them) it hurts them. They need to be able to trust their mother. They unload on me about these kinds of things every time they come over. Because of your behavior and many of the hurtful things you've said to the kids, all of them at some point have said they want to live with me, but especially the teenagers. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but to open a discussion about how this situation can be improved. Over the last two years, you have done many things to damage my kids'  relationship with their mom in ways that might not be able to be repaired. It was important to me when we separated that we both kept parenting the way we previously were in love, respect, and kindness. Somehow, your focus has entirely shifted to anger, retribution, and making sure I "learn my lesson." If this is what you were like then, I was completely blind to it. Adolescence is a critical time for them, and I want you to be the kind of mom for them that both of us needed when we were teenagers. Providing a little more space to breathe between you and the girls might be necessary. To you it might feel like you're just reacting, but to everyone else, your behavior seems like extreme cruelty. The cruel treatment that I've seen personally and that the kids have described to me is emotionally abusive parenting. Emotional abuse is a real thing, whether you want to acknowledge that it is or not. Even if you don't think you are doing it, you are absolutely doing it and it's obvious to everyone but you. That's a statement of fact from many people that have met you, and not just my interpretation. 

If you would like to have a discussion with me about this and about proper boundaries, I'm willing to have that discussion with you even though I expect it will be painful. I'd like to have that in isolation of every other argument we have between us though. I know you have the capability to be a good parent and even a good co-parent, but for some reason I don't understand, you've chosen not to time and time again. You need some sort of support or some sort of space, and the kids need to feel they can trust you and love you. Right now they don't and I want to help correct that. 

Thanks

Adam 

Somebody fix this for me.  I'm just so tired of it.  I am a good mother.  I am strict, yes.  But I love and I help them, too.  And I am there for them and try to help Adam to be there for them too.  All I can think is, where the fuck was he when Ms. I Hate The World wrote a suicide plan?!  Where was he when she was in the ER getting a psych evaluation?!  Where was he when I worried she was going to end her life?!  He was absent.  He was neglecting her when she needed him.  And then, recently, he posted that bullshit on Facebook for the kids to see.  How is that not detrimental to them?  After everything he has done in the last 18 months, how is he the better parent? The better co-parent?  The better person? Somebody explain this to me, please.

Small miracle

It might be coincidence, it might not be, but suddenly, that long nasty post has disappeared from the children's Facebook feed.  They can't see their father tearing their mother down.  They can't be confused by information that is in contrast to the life experiences they have lived.  Okay, that one probably isn't true.  What they have read can't be unread. At least three of them now have doubts about the accuracy of the information he gives them.  At least two, as much as they hate it, now know he lies if it means protecting himself.  That makes me sad.  It makes me sad when Oldest slows her speech and looks down when that realization hits.  It makes me sad that Adam still hasn't learned to respect boundaries and in his desire to not look like a bad guy, hurt his children.
The children are resilient.  They forgive easily probably because they forget so readily.  Similar to the children I work to help, my children will put blinders on and love their father despite the pain he has caused.
If it wasn't coincidence, if someone (and I think I know who it potentially was) let Adam know the children could see that post, thank you.  And Adam, if by chance, you now know about this blog and can see what I write, please learn and recognize for once how your actions have consequences for others.

Contempt Consequences

At some point in the past few weeks, Adam texted Gary's ex-wife telling her his children told him I am abusing her two boys.  Thankfully, she gave Gary the benefit of the doubt, and thus me.  She told him she was upset but realized he wouldn't stand for someone hurting the boys.  I am thankful to her.  She also talked to the boys and they denied any form of abuse.  I talked to my seven who had no idea what Adam was talking about.

On Monday, Adam was served with the contempt papers.  He took it as well as could be expected.  My aunt called to let my mom know Adam had posted something on Facebook that I should know about.  I won't lie, I logged on to one of the kids' accounts to see it.  I logged in hoping he had the decency to customize the post but expecting he hadn't.  He gave me what I expected:

"I usually take the high road and rarely vent, but I feel like it today. Heather is taking me to court again. This time to compel me to give her 50% of a refund I didn't receive, or else I will go to jail. She takes an obscene amount of money from me each month, and has even stolen thousands more, but it's still never enough.

Because I am a dick, I'll also take this opportunity to share with everyone that she is an abuser. She was and is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my kids (and now even her boyfriend's kids). I was ashamed of that for years, and didn't tell anyone. It all leaked out into my music though if you've ever listened to my old stuff. That's why I can't even play those songs anymore.

Back then, I thought if I tried harder, did more, acted kinder, or treated her better, something somehow could make her happy. It didn't, it doesn't, and it never will. She even works in child services now, which just blows my mind. One of her first actions on becoming a mandatory reporter was to steal the kids from my home and threaten to use her power to take them away from me permanently.

I'm sharing all this because I feel like someone else is probably in a situation where they need to hear that things get way better when you leave. When I realized this (and learned what BPD was), it was like a light came on, and I suddenly didn't feel crazy anymore. My life changed instantly and it's like I was released from prison. I feel like a new person, and now I feel awesome every single day. 😎

Even with the random court actions, thefts, child abductions, forced poverty, and threats, I love my life and I love my freedom. And my kids love having a safe place where they can be themselves without being punished all the time for arbitrary nonsense.

Also, I'm not bitter anymore, but I still can't recommend marriage as a smart life choice for any young man. Relationships are great and all, but there's no other kind of legal contract on Earth that you'll have so little information about before you sign. And they never show you this part when you're 19.

If you feel like you're in a similar situation, and want advice or want to vent, hit me up privately and I'll educate you.

Love you guys!"

It total, 68 people liked his post and 30 people commented their sympathy, concerns, and joined in on the bashing.  Not one of them called him out.  Not one of them questioned his logic of posting this where his children can see.  Not one of them asked why the hell he hasn't stepped in to protect them. if he truly feels they are being abused.  No one stepped in!  

It is taking a tremendous amount of self control to not use my child's Facebook account to post a link to this blog.  It is taking even more self control to not march to his house and yell and scream at him. It took every last ounce of control to not tell the children my full side of the story.  I did pull the three oldest together after the youngest were asleep.  The two oldest had seen the post.  We discussed just a few topics that are contradicted by the divorce decree and parenting plan.  They asked questioned and pointed out inconsistencies in his post and things he has told them.  We discussed budgeting and good financial decision making.  I asked that if they had questions to respect me and trust me enough to talk to me.  I told them I don't want to frame daddy as a bad guy but I want, and need, them to understand there are two sides to every story.  

I am sad for the kids.  I'm sad that we had that conversation.  I'm sad to hear about the poor parenting decisions Adam makes such as not having a girlfriend but bringing women around the children, frequently.  

And yeah, I'm sad for me.  I'm sad that I am stuck in this cycle.  I'm sad that most every day I walk this nightmare alone and feel powerless.  I'm sad to think it will never end.  

Something Not Good

I spoke too soon. Or maybe I should continue trying to frame things in a more positive light.  You tell me!

The summer schedule is over and the school schedule is on.  Adam's Wednesday was today so I texted him the little kids' bus stop location, bus number and time.  He texted back that he would not be able to pick them up until 6pm on Wednesdays.  Hmm, this conversation has a deja vu feel.I asked who would be picking them up after school.  He said they would ride the bus to my house just like they do during the week.  I told him no one will be there to supervise them, to which he replied:

"When they get home the other days, the big kids had been picking them up from the bus stop. Is that no longer the case? I loved picking them up from school last year, but I now have classes on Wednesday afternoons and am working three jobs and teaching an overload schedule to get back on my feet. I also don't have a girlfriend or anyone else who can pick them up for me. It's just not possible to make it work or else I would."

Oh how I wanted to rip this apart but I kept my cool and let him know the big kids do not get home until 3pm.  My mom has been helping just like she did last year with the understanding that she has every other Wednesday off.   He did not respond.

About 3 hours later I called to see if the kids were at home because I wanted to make sure they were supervised by mom or at the very least Ms. I Hate the World.  No answer.  I waited 10 more minutes and still no answer.  I sent a follow up text asking if Adam found anyone to pick up the kids.  He stated he had them.  He followed this with, "Tomorrow, Friday, and next time I will be there at 6pm to get them.  Please make sure the littles are not unsupervised."

Pardon me?!

I said it is his "parenting time and it is his responsibility.  If they need to be at the house you are still responsible for coordinating the supervision."  He said the time starts when the kids are out from school meaning all of the kids are out from school.  I said I don't see that wording in the parenting times section.  I see that his Wednesday begins after school.  Nothing noting after all children are out of school.  His response was, "6 is after school."

It was then that I realized I had gotten myself into a discussion with an illogical person and stopped responding.  I used my time more wisely and looked up the docket and found the contempt filing is in and the divorce case is reopened.  I assume that means the judge/magistrate can make any changes deemed necessary when we go in front of him on October 1.

I also looked up Adam's schedule: MWF 12:20-2:20pm.  So he could get the children before 6pm.  I don't care if he is working three jobs and an overload schedule to get back on his feet.  he knocked himself off his damn feet!  And you can bet I will mention this to the magistrate and ask if the child support can be adjusted.  He has made multiple changes to his life that benefited him, it's time the children benefited.  And yes, I want to benefit too.  I am a caseworker for children services: you want to talk about an overloaded schedule?!  I want to get back on my feet too but I can't right now because I'm busy being a mom when not at work.  He has money to pay cash for a house, buy a motorcycle, get tattooed, start smoking, go to bars and musicals, and he has time to take college courses.  I don't expect him to have no life or to be mired down by stress.  I take "me time." I spend some money on myself but not like him.

Something good

I want to recognize good/positive things that Adam does.  It's difficult to do and even more difficult to not mix in a criticism.  But here is my attempt!

This weekend he texted me (opening a new line of communication) and offered me the playground set at the old house.  The property has been marked as abandoned and he does not know when the bank will be taking it over but he knows the children like to play on the swing and slide and wants them to have it.

Last night Littlest had soccer practice and Adam came to it.  I was shocked.  Littlest was happy to see him which I hope enforces to Adam how important it is for him to make contact with the children whether it is his parenting time or not.