I cannot stop him but I can stand up to him

For work I have to take 12 hrs of domestic violence training.  I was able to check this off my to do list this week and it was a very good training.  I've done a lot of good trainings during my first year but this one hit close to home.  It was basically 12 hours of in your face cannot deny it this was your life.  It was rough.

I know I was in an unhealthy marriage.  I know Adam was controlling, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive.  I know that, I've known it for a while but to have it spelled out was shocking.  Almost everything the instructor mentioned, screamed, "Adam!"  

The training started out by defining domestic violence versus domestic abuse.  I had thought my marriage was on the abuse side, turns out the sexual part gave it both dimensions.  Lucky me.  I have often thought how his abuse had been pretty mild during the marriage with the really ugly stuff (minus the rape) coming after he moved out.  Turns out domestic doesn't mean people live together it refers more to the relationship between the people.  I guess that means I still am in a domestic abusive relationship.  It sucks to think this will always be my life.  

I remember a couple months ago, my attorney told me my situation wasn't that bad, that it could be worse.  But here's the thing, just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't traumatic.  It doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because "it wasn't that bad."  Imagine being raped, now imagine your rapist is allowed to continue abusing you time and time again and your situation is minimized with a shrug and, "It could be worse."  Those types of comments add to the abuse and excuse it, and in a way, normalize it.  

It is ignorant to say husbands can't rape their wives.  It is irresponsible to teach that no means no. It is this thinking that allowed my rapist to justify his way out of feeling like a predator and transfer the guilt of the event to me.  Adam claimed I never said no or if I did it wasn't loud enough or maybe I said it in my head.  He said he didn't see me try to get up.  He said I never said to stop because it hurt.  He said he didn't see me cry.  These were his reasons to transfer the blame.  Fuck "no means no."  The rule is: yes means yes until no means no and silence is not consent.  If you never bother to ask then you do not have permission.  But in Adam's world it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and since he isn't one to ask forgiveness it is easier to tell your victim she is wrong.  

Adam has a fear of being a bad guy.  He said this often and it was his reason to not go to therapy.  He felt like it was a bash session.  He couldn't handle ever being told he had a deficiency or an issue.  He needs to be liked and seen as a good guy.  I was reminded very vividly of this characteristic when the instructor mentioned the personality types that typically abuse; they are the schizoids, borderlines, narcissists, and antisocials.  Hmm, Adam's phsych. eval. mentioned those.  Interesting.  

The instructor then discussed the types of abusers.  There are three groups and Adam could sit in two of them.  Approval seekers make excessive demands on wives (yes I know either sex can abuse but I'm sticking with the group usually on the receiving end) to compensate for poor self-esteem.  Adam's "love language" was words of affirmation.  But he complained that I gave the wrong words.  He would lecture me daily on my word choices or what I chose to compliment.  No matter what I tried it was never right.  If I talked about being proud of his work he said I focused just on his earning potential.  If I complimented his muscles he said that means I thought he was fat before.  Whatever my compliment he found something to negate it.  It was never right.  Then there are the incorporators who need a wife to validate them and define them.  This group is likely also narcissistic as they need a wife to mirror back what the abuser hopes to be seen as. 

I think these groups probably blend well.  The instructor mentioned one of these types (can't recall which) has a "I don't know what I need but you will feel my rage if you aren't giving it to me" mentality.  When he said that I thought, OMG, was he a fly on the wall in therapy?!  Adam had said repeatedly that he didn't know what he needed but expected me to figure it out.  

Chronic abusers feel they fail to live up to the masculine script.  And sporadic abusers are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy and are most sensitive to criticism.  Sounds like someone I know...

Then the class discussion moved to categories of power and control that are abused.  Coercion & threats (check), using children (check), emotional (check), isolation (check), deny/blame/minimize (check), intimidate (check), economic (check) and male privilege (not check, I think).  Adam became a pro 7 out of 8.  Wow, he did pride himself in being an over achiever.  

Here's the funny thing.  Even after sitting through 12 hours of instruction and kind of being knocked over the head with all this info pointing to the abuse, I had the fleeting thought, It wasn't that bad.  Even I hold to that way of thinking.  The thought was immediately proceeded by, No wonder abuse and violence are under reported or women go back.  We are groomed to think this behavior is acceptable because it isn't an extreme.  We wait, we stay, we give second chances all because it isn't that bad.  But why does it have to reach an extreme to be unacceptable?  

I'm finding it a bit difficult to not fixate on this subject.  I'm hoping writing will help.  I'm hoping I accept things a little bit more.  I'm hoping it lessens my feelings of shame and believing I am stupid for letting it happen to me and allowing it to continue for so long.  I think it is working.  I talked about it using the actual words: rape, abuse.  I said them without hesitation.  I also recognized that I can never stop him from continuing to abuse me.  But I can stand up to him.  I cannot stop the abuse from coming at me but I can turn away, I can stop seeing myself as his victim.  If I am his victim then he has the power and that is one thing I will not give him any longer.  I am not necessarily a force to be reckoned with, or a powerful person.  But I am empowered.  I am empowered with acceptance of what was and is.  I am empowered with knowledge.  

I am also a huge pain in the ass!  Contempt charges were filed today over the tax refund.  And I feel very (em)powered!  

He should stop thinking at 2am

March 27, 2014

Today started early and troubling.  At 2:04 am I got a text from Adam:

            Being replaced is killing me and I'm still not handling it well at all. You don't need to talk about it with me, but I have no one. I feel like a worthless person, and I feel like my whole life stopped in January. I shouldn't even share these feelings with you because you'll just use them against me. You were my only real friend for years and I don't know you now. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know how to deal with it or how to act.

            The text woke me up so I responded.  Him opening up and talking to me is a good place for us to start.  He said I make it hard because I get upset when he shares and when he doesn’t.  He said he left work at noon, I guess because he is struggling so much.  I told him I do get upset but it isn’t because of how he feels.

            He said he feels like a failure because he could never win my honesty.  He said he hoped he could do something to get me to open up.  We talked about this multiple times in and out of counseling.  He pursued and pushed boundaries, he didn’t respect my need for some space.  It was his need for me to open up that pushed me away more.  The therapist told us about the distancer-pursuer problem just a little while ago.  Adam read up on it and was shocked at how much he matched the pursuer.  He couldn’t follow through with the “cure” though.  I tried to not distance.  At that time, when he asked me to share my thoughts, emails, texts, I gave it to him.  It wasn’t enough.

            I hurt for him.  I didn’t mean for him to ever feel replaced.  It is my fault for not doing a better job at making him feel like he meant the world to me.  He said me giving my honesty and openness to another person so easily makes him feel like he never should have been born. 

            That comment really got me worried.  I continued texting him until I wasn’t consumed with the thought he wanted to kill himself.  I reminded him he was comparing different situations when he compared our relationship to the one Gary and I have.  He said I thought the world of Gary but never thought the same of him.  I disagreed but he didn’t believe me.  He said he couldn’t even get simple words of affirmation from me.  He said I provide those words to Gary.  He said it hurts and he can’t handle it. 

            I tried to tell him that I did give him words.  It didn’t come easily learning to talk like that but I had made a real effort.  It was even an effort doing it with Gary.  The problem is, Adam said my words of affirmation weren’t the correct words. He said I didn’t give him the words, “You tried but it wasn’t in your heart.”  And he could feel it.  I wish he wouldn’t claim to know what I feel, he can’t know that.

            I told him the words I put in the journal were heartfelt.  Do those not count?  He said he can’t read them, can’t even look at the journal.  So the effort I made was outright rejected because he was sad I didn’t open up to him?  How does that work?  I poured my heart out to him, and he is holding it against me that he isn’t strong enough to read it? 

            I reminded him that we only learned about the words of affirmation three months ago.  I need time to learn how to do it right and change.  I wondered if he had even read the journal once.  He tried.  I said it was all true.  He said my actions are what spoke and that’s why he can’t read the words, it’s a hurtful thing.  I swear I feel like I am walking in circles with him!  I am trying to make amends and he won’t let me. 

            Then he said he was found lacking and always would be.  So what?  I lack in things too!  We all do!  He said “but you have someone to go to now. You have someone to soothe the hurt.  I’ve sat here in my house alone each night and tried to be okay. And nothing is okay.  It wasn’t okay from the beginning and I couldn’t tell you.”  He could have told me but he chose to not speak up with honest words.  He led me to believe he would never ask me to give up Gary because he could see how happy he was making me.  He allowed me to continue the relationship and let it grow.  He was the one that said, “You love him, I can tell.”  And yet he still said nothing.  He didn’t say anything until he was ready.  He had nearly two months to make his choice to close the marriage and gave me a blink of an eye to make the same choice. 

            I am frustrated that he thinks I am okay right now.  He doesn’t know how hard it is to not break down every second of the day.  I have to keep control of my emotions because there are seven children watching.  I have people to talk to but no one is soothing my pain.  I am also frustrated with myself.  I should have been more alert to Adam’s feelings and needs.  I shouldn’t have gotten so wrapped up in myself and being happy.  I should have made it easier for Adam to share his feelings with me. 

            He said he is mad at the lying.  He can “read” me “and always could.” He said he lied to himself because it hurt too much to read into my actions. 

            I said I was sorry.  I should have researched polyamory before finally giving into his request.  And when I lied about using a condom I failed big time.  I was trying to keep from getting in trouble.  I was wrong and I admit it. 

            He hates that the tortured feeling isn’t passing.  Crying isn’t helping.  He has an overwhelming feeling that he is worthless.  He can’t shake it. I asked if he is talking to friends or writing in a journal or seeing a therapist.  He is talking to people but not a therapist. 

            I disagreed with him being worthless.  He is far from worthless for many reasons.  He thinks he is a failure at loving and always has been.  He thinks he has never had a relationship where he hasn’t failed or been replaced.  He doesn’t feel good enough for someone to truly love.  I pointed out that there are people that love him unconditionally, he says the children have to love him and they don’t know better.  His children love him because he is a good father.  He thinks they will resent him when they get older for being a partial parent.  I asked him to please believe that someone else loves him.  He said all the romantic love he has ever thought he was getting turned out to be a lie. 

            He said the love has always been replaced because he is replaceable.  I said if he believes that then he truly does not understand me.  He said, “You know I don’t understand you at all.”  He can read me but he doesn’t understand me. 

            I was really trying to help him out of the dark place he was at and got a bit “creative. “ I said to go with my words because those are accurate.  My actions are confusing.  He said he has never been wrong, once he got that feeling it was only a matter of time before the facts would bear out the truth.  He thinks the words I spoke to him and Gary were opposite.  I told him to use science here; he was only looking for evidence to back his theory. 

            I also tried to explain that the words I speak to friends, and many of the words he claims I spoke to Gary those were words to a friend, that was me venting.  I was using my friend as a sounding board.  I need him to go with the words I give to him directly, once I have figured things out.  I said going with my “venting” word is like trying to make sense of scratch paper I use when working out a hard math problem.  It doesn’t make any sense but on the answer sheet is the correct answer.  Teachers don’t grade down for messy thought processes.

            He said he wouldn’t try to change me; I have to understand he can’t.  I’m not asking him to change me.  He needs to understand that.  He said only actions are true and he can’t trust anyone now.  I am so confused.  If words don’t count, only actions do, why does he base his reactions off the words he claims are not true? He said his reactions are based on words being deceptive and not matching facts.  But he wasn’t around for all the words or actions. 

            He pointed out he is an intelligent person.  No one is denying his intelligence.  He is telling me he reads people and is very good at it and has been doing it since he was a kid because he couldn’t trust anyone in his family.  He says it’s what makes him successful in leadership positions.  He can’t turn it off, “It is innate, gut feel.”  Too bad it doesn’t make for a good romantic position.  He “has known thousands and thousands of people.”

            He can’t read or get a gut feel for what is inside me, no one can, I can’t even do it all the time.  He claims to not know what I am thinking but can read my emotions.  But I don’t think he can do that because he is biased.  He said to listen.  He knows better and I know he has been right when he calls me out on things.  I am not to admit or deny it just realize how he works.  He said to just accept it.  But I can’t accept it!  People word things wrong all the time because they get flustered, they find it difficult to translate thoughts and feelings into words.  He said that isn’t what he is talking about and it is dumb to argue the point with him.  Then he corrected himself and said “for us to argue.  See, that is a wording problem.” 

            I said it’s because he refuses to believe he is reading me wrong.  He is claiming that his “gut feel” of my emotions is truer than how I say I feel.  Somewhere he thinks I lied to him about my feelings and told Gary my feelings meaning I lied to someone.  So why bother sharing if he is only going to tell me I am wrong?!  He said I was being defensive.  Darn right I am!  He is claiming to know me more than I know me.  That is taking away from me as a person, an individual.  He can only claim to know his perspective of a situation, that doesn’t mean he is the only one with the truth.  He said I am not willing to accept what he says.  Somewhat, yes, because I know my feelings, he doesn’t!  He said I am not willing to admit I lie to him regularly.  True, I am not willing to admit I lie to him on a regular basis because I don’t.  I also am not willing to accept that I don’t know my own feelings.  He said I don’t have to admit anything, he knows I lie and he has tested it in many factual matters. 

            What the heck?  He’s been testing me?  In what world is that a good idea for a healthy relationship?!  I admit, I hold back so I lie by omission.  He says it is overt and covert.  I asked that he stop testing me but he says he can’t.  I feel like telling him then I can’t stop being “overt and covert” whatever that means.  He can either “communicate with you completely or I can see if there’s a possibility for honest communication.”  I asked that he at least judge fairly then.  He claims he does.  I disagree and he says he understands that for me to accept it would mean I would have to admit negative things about myself, so he doesn’t expect me to. 

            The great thing about therapy is finding and admitting to the negative parts of myself and learning to be a better person.  He said I can accept what he is saying; I can verbally disagree but to really listen.  Fine, but he needs to do the same. 

            Then he changed the subject a little.  He doesn’t know how to behave.  He doesn’t know how to heal.  Neither do I.  He said we have no business being married but he doesn’t know how to be alone.  He said he is severely depressed. He cries when he thinks about the emptiness and loss he feels and cries hard.  I asked if he is reaching out to anyone and he said he tried but no one really hears his feelings or understands.  I told him to find a therapist, they get paid to listen and understand.  Then he sent me a link to an article about levels of validation.  He said it was important so I said I could either read it or talk but I can’t do both.  He said to read it later.

            He is afraid to end up like his dad.  So, don’t.  He thinks it is out of his control.  I said be active in walking a different path.  He said there is nothing he can do to make someone love him and the harder he tries the more elusive it is.  But I said he can control being able to feel loved.  He said I am not hearing him if that is my advice.  He can’t feel loved if he can’t trust.  I said both are under his control by the way he thinks.  He said I haven’t accepted his feelings as valid.  But I have.  His feelings are true to him but that doesn’t make them logical or fact.  He said I would have him take words at face value and deny his intuition.  He says he did that for years.  I can’t get my thoughts out to him.  He understands there is dissonance, which is why, I said, he needs a therapist.  It’s the same reason I see the therapist. 

            He is sure he has faulty rules.  Like “someone that loves you will always tell you the truth.”  I said someone that loves me tries their best to spare me hurt even if it means white lies on occasion.  That is the rule I based my earlier actions on.  He said our rules are in direct opposition.  Yes they are.  He says if we dug deeper we would find more rules like that.  I think the same is true for any two people.  Recognizing differences, respecting them, compromising, it’s how relationships work.  He can’t tolerate dishonesty though, I found his deal breaker.  The problem is, I wasn’t made aware of this deal breaker until after the fact.  I was trying to be kind by holding back, he saw it as cruel.  And then he didn’t allow me to make amends. 

            Then we talked about him only asking me to marry him out of a sense of obligation because he thought I might be pregnant, He said he didn’t love me when we got married.  He felt like he might be able to in the future. 

            He then tried to understand my rule.  He said when he is very open with me about his feelings, to me that is not sparing my feelings.  I said it is how he delivers it that hurts.  Plus, that is my rule for me.  I don’t expect others to spare my feelings, I don’t want to be the cause of hurt.  My rule for me.  I told him when all he did was express anger and contempt but left out his love that was hurtful.  He said sometimes there was only anger and contempt in “the box.”  Love never left my box, buried but never gone.  He said deep down he has kind feelings for me but there is a mountain of hurt on top of them.  Whereas, I dragged the good feelings with me when I started climbing the mountain of hurt because I didn’t want to lose them. 

            Adam can’t control his emotions anymore.  He journals and he has so much anger at specific behaviors.  He can’t trust his good feelings because they were based on trust. Now that trust is gone his good feeling are too.  He is learning that lying, or omitting, to spare feelings is common.  I said I can’t help him, he needs a therapist to help him.  He knows, apparently everyone is telling him that but he hasn’t gotten the nerve up to contact someone.  I pointed out that he already has a therapist.  He’ll do it “eventually.”  He had “other pressing things to deal with.”  Like buying a car.  I would think his mental health is more pressing than a vehicle.  I don’t deny he needed a vehicle.  He said last time he moved out I made him feeling guilty for the purchases he made.  He also gave guilt trips.  He said he has been trying very hard to not be confrontational and to not fight.  Except the flowers, he said that was him being a dick.  I believe he tries. 

            Then he said he really is trying.  He can’t even talk about what instinct tells him.  I think enough instinct has leaked out that I have a good idea what it is telling him.  He said, “I have a clearance to think of and I want to see my kids.”  I’m glad he has those restraints.  He said he also has self-control but it doesn’t stop desire and he hates those feelings too.  So I feel like we started this text conversation with him wanting to kill himself and I am left wondering if he also wants to kill me. 

            He wants to know what Gary and I plan to do.  What our long-term plan is.  He said that gets to the heart of his fear.  He worries that Gary is unemployed, his house is up for foreclosure, and his income is running low.  And his girlfriend lives in a very large house.  That he, Adam, is less than irrelevant.  I said if he was suggesting I was planning on moving Gary in then he was wrong.  He said he didn’t know what I was planning, well, now he does.  He knows Gary and I are getting closer while we are getting more distant.  He said Gary already took his spot or the spot he wanted to occupy but never got.  Adam volunteered to vacate that spot, it was free for someone to take.  He thinks Gary will be the dad that isn’t in the kids’ weekly lives and live in the house he bought and wanted to keep.  He said there is a lot of loss he is dealing with and it feels like he might lose more. 

            He asked if we plan to just drive back and forth between between the cities, 120 miles, every week.  He said that will get old soon. 

            I feel like I did lose everything.  I am trying to figure out a way to get some things in some way back. 

            Adam worries that while he is opening up about deep pain, tomorrow I will turn around and nitpick the conversation with Gary about how pathetic Adam is and a loser.  He said I have done it before.  I don’t recall calling him names.  He said just because I didn’t say the words didn’t mean I didn’t mock him.  I tried to explain, me venting was not mocking.  That’s why I did my venting away from Adam, so I wouldn’t inadvertently hurt his feelings.  He said venting and mocking are the same and I vent all the time. He said it just showed him my love wasn’t true and I still mock him.  He is failing to see that venting is about me, mocking is something else entirely. 

            He worries I am telling his friends and colleagues and family that he is controlling and abusive.  I don’t talk to his colleagues.  I am acquaintance with a few.  He said that fear is driving his behavior.  When he doesn’t feel those vibes he will let me know.  I told him I don’t have a need to tarnish his name.  I understand he needs to work with these people.  I also know he needs a support system and some of that system will be people I know or am related to. He said this is the central argument, we are at an impasse.  Then he apologized for waking me up, but he was bawling and couldn’t stop.  I said it was fine, he needed to talk.  It was my choice to not ignore the text in the first place. 

            

Speaking Two Languages

He first left me July 11, 2013.  I begged him to come home.  I negotiated him back.  I got myself into therapy for starters.  His reasons for not wanting to come back included him enjoying having time during the week.  He also liked having his own space.  I told him he could have the weeknights to do as he wished but I wanted him to sleep in our bed and be part of the family on weekends.  I told him to take any room in the house: I would clear it out.  He chose one of the parlors for his office.  He also got Middle Son’s room as a workout room, we put Middle Son in with Littlest.  He wanted more control of the budget so I promised to set up monthly meetings for us both.  He asked me to open my own checking account so we could separate finances.  I gave him what he wanted.  In hindsight, I think I always gave him what he wanted because it was easier than the guilt and emotional backlash I would get for not giving in.  I took the easy way out.

For Christmas 2013, one of the gifts he got me was The Five Love Languages book.  He asked that I read it so I could give him the love he needs.  He said he would read it after me so he could reciprocate.  He was honest and said he doubted I would read it and was even more doubtful I would follow through with what I learned. 

I read the book in about two days.  I learned my “languages” are gifts and acts of services, and quality time.  I explained to him that I feel his time is a gift and service to me.  I don’t need actual gifts.  I guessed his “language” would be words of affirmation and physical touch.  I was right.

I asked for feedback from him about how I did.  I actively gave him feedback as well.  He was able to tell me he appreciated the gratitude I gave him but I wasn’t doing the affirmation correctly.  He couldn’t give me actual direction though.  I tried to be more available sexually as that was the physical touch he wanted.  It wasn’t enough.

While I felt love from him, he was never able to feel the love I was giving.  After about two weeks of trying this new way of showing love, he asked (not the first time) if we could open the marriage.  He asked me to point out men I thought were attractive.  He would talk about other men when we were having sex.  He would talk about him and other women.  I wasn’t totally on board but I could tell he really wanted to do this.  I finally agreed and by the end of January we had an open marriage because I had come to the realization that he had already given up and was preparing to leave me or this was the last chance I had to save my marriage.  

He said he wanted to open the marriage as a gift to me.  He said he felt guilty that I hadn’t got much of a dating life as a young person.  He thought me missing out was why I was so closed off to him intimately.  He wanted me to experience being with other men both emotionally and physically.  He wanted me to be comfortable with them so I would, in turn, be comfortable with him.

I told him my goal for the arrangement.  I wanted to feel loved, and valued.  I did not want to bounce from one person to another.  I wanted to form a meaningful relationship.  He was fine with that. 

He let me know his goal, “I want to stick my penis in all the vaginas.”  It should have been a huge red flag to us both that our intentions for opening the marriage were so drastically different. 

Prior to taking action, I asked him, in and out of therapy, how opening our marriage would get him the love and attention and respect he was wanting.  He never had a clear answer. 

Throughout our time in therapy, all the way back to July 2013, when he first left me, he insisted that I did not respect him and it was my responsibility to make him feel respect.  He made me responsible for his feelings, and I, ignorantly, took on that impossible task.