Why do I try?

March 28, 2014

            It seems Adam was uncomfortable at The Pub during the game.  I sat at the bar and studied while watching the game while he sat with some friends at a table.  He said it was different than he expected.  I don’t know what he expected but I said hi and for now that’s what I have to offer.

            I need to transfer my weekly allowance: $200 for groceries and $100 for gas. 

            I asked if he needed the kids to pack anything specific.  He only requested they each have their things in their own bags instead of everyone’s things in a basket.  I guess he didn’t go through the basket of things I sent last time and didn’t realize the little ones had clean clothes.

            Then we discussed the transporting of kids to school activities.  Our oldest had a theatre club thing at 5:30pm.  He asked if I was dropping her off.  I thought I was in charge of getting another child to her school dance.  He said if he isn’t getting them until 6pm I need to transport them.  Interesting, I thought he was going tot he theatre thing.  Since he won’t be going not only did I have to transport them, I also had to give the oldest money for dinner.  And he didn’t tell me any of this until I had already left to get the other child to her dance.  I had to turn the van around to pick up all the kids.  I thought I might be late dropping the rest of the bunch off at Adam’s but I wasn’t.
            After I got all the kids dropped of Adam texted me to ask if I left the car seats.  I didn’t know I was supposed to leave them, he hadn’t asked.  He said he didn’t have a chance to remind me before I left.  I let him know he could probably get the little girls high back booster seats for $20-30. Littlest one's harnessed seat could be purchased for about $80.  I was trying to be helpful with that info but his “Fine” made me think he was upset.  I added that if Babies R Us is doing their trade in special he could take the pack n’play and stroller and get two 20% off coupons that could be used on carseats.  I also offered for him to stop by the house and pick up my carseats.  He never responded. 

March 29, 2014

            I got a response to that last question at about 2am.  Adam changed his direct deposit for work so it goes to his personal account.  He says he will set up an allotment to my account.  I let him know I was concerned because the joint account is getting low and looks like it might get overdrawn.  If he has it figured out I will try not to worry.  He assures me he will pay next month’s bills from his personal account so the joint account won’t get overdrawn. 

            I was also told to stop using the joint account and to order my own checks for my personal account. 

            At this point in our text conversation Adam did a great job at showing me how “not controlling” he is.  He said so far, for March, I have spent $265 in gas, $830.09 in groceries, and $915.35 in discretionary.  He has spent $108.32 in gas, $256.04 in groceries, and $491.99 in discretionary. 

            I asked if he was going from the day he left or all of March.  Obviously, if he is using the entire month of March, quite a bit of my grocery spending included food for him.  He said it is the entire month of March and if I must, I can deduct the cost of cottage cheese and tuna from my budget.  I asked what about the dinners I cooked for the family.  He didn’t answer.  I also asked about the dates we went on, he said he split those between us.  He then texted me all the transactions I have made in March.  I guess he is trying to tell me to not spend anymore of his money.  Okay, I will hold off until April 1 when a new budget month begins. 

            Adam kindly put the miniature golf trip (number 5’s birthday trip with him), the carseats he needed, and the flowers he bought me, as his spending.  I told him it was nice of him to not charge me for the flowers.  He said that was a sore subject.  He has no idea.  Finding those flowers snapped into pieces and dumped in the kitchen sink first thing in the morning was difficult.  It was made even more difficult since the children found them and I was left to explain what was going on.  That’s not important anymore, what is done is done.  I won’t hold his actions against him; I know it was his pain.

            Anyway, I asked Adam what his March spending was, since he had taken the time to label all of mine.   He seemed surprised that I wanted to know.  It only seems fair that if he is going to nit pick me that he do the same to himself.  He posted his. 

            I then asked about everything he had charged.  He said he didn’t have that info yet.  I asked how he purchased the mattresses.  He said those were put on his personal credit card.  He said his credit card has been bearing the house set up costs.  Seems to me his totals for the month of March are a bit off then.  If he is going to point out everything I have spent from the checking account and compare it to his smaller amount but leave out everything he has purchased on credit I call unfair.  He told me to not use the credit card yet he has a personal one to load up.  He said I can weed through all I want but I spend a lot of money then he added, “So do I.” 

            As I was looking through how he split the dates up, I noticed something interesting.  One trip to The Pub was $17, which is “his” expense.  I have a Pub for $50 on my list.  A least $15 of my Pub was beer.  Which one of us drinks beer?  Oh, yeah, him.  Why am I charged for that?!  He said next month we won’t need to worry about that because I won’t be buying him any beer.

            I told him there are no “personal” finances until the divorce is final.  All the debt he is accruing very well could fall under marital debt.  He said he needed beds and we didn’t have the money so he used credit.  “Unless you would rather the kids sleep on the floor like they did last summer?”  First, how often do the kids sleep on the floor by choice?  All the time!  And using sleeping bags for a couple nights until he gets paid is not exactly a hardship.  I got a bit snappy and replied, “Fell lucky you allowed yourself to have the credit.  I am not so lucky and have no choice but to trust you will give me the money you said you would.”  Right about then I noticed he was working the budget from March 1 instead of the day he officially moved out, March 17.

            Adam: “that's how these things work. We made up a budget, then you get that budget. Feel like a martyr all you want, but you could also be making income. And if you were, you sure as hell wouldn't be putting it in the joint account.”

            We made the budget?  We did?  Um, pretty sure he made the budget.  And feel like a martyr?  No but I am feeling a bit betrayed and worried that I won’t be able to feed my children.  Yes, I could be making an income.  An income that would get tossed at daycare costs. 

            He then said the budget is a rolling budget and in any 30-day period I should not be over budget.  He said this is the decision space I made.  He said I chose to be where I am at right now.  I forgot, I chose for us to get a divorce.  He said I had a clear choice in the matter.  How little he was paying attention if he thought it was a clear choice. 

            I responded that he made his choice and gave me all of a few hours to sort out my part.  He made the choice for both of us.  He congratulated me for choosing Gary.  I told him I chose me.  I got a “Ha” in response.  He said I have always chosen me but this time it was explicit.  “You chose the guy that echoes your feelings without holding you accountable, so I guess you could say that’s like choosing you.” 

            Then I had a sarcastic snippy reply: Fine, you are right.  I am and always have been selfish.  I am the broken one.  You are the bigger person.

            He said the point is for me to quit acting like a victim, to quit acting like he left me because he is the asshole.  He said he left me because I wouldn’t leave my boyfriend. 

            He gave me a few hours, at most, to walk away from the one person that was actively showing me compassion.  I gave him years to walk away from alcohol. 

            He said, “I know, your true love.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter.  The point is that “you chose.”

            Right about then I realize I was no longer communicating appropriately, respectfully, or productively.  I asked that we only converse if needed, I needed space.  He said, “You mean, you tried to control my behavior because you don’t like 1. alcohol 2. Beards 3. Me working at a lesser paying job I like 4. Anything that doesn’t revolve around you. But then have the nerve to call me controlling. You don’t need space you need people to agree with you. And I’m sorry this became an argument, but that wimp you were married to that just rolled over, took whatever abuse or attitude you dished out, and didn’t stand up to you?  He’s not here anymore.”

            I can’t respond to him.  He raped me and he is telling me to stop acting like a victim?  He raped me and is calling me the abuser? He said I need to respect him, trust him, have less sex rules.  He asked again and again to open the marriage.  He said it was on me to make him happy.  I tried everything I could.  I put me aside for him.  And when he said he didn’t rape me, that I was mistaken, I felt ashamed like he was right.  He always has to be right.

            As to his list: 1. No, I don’t like alcohol.  I don’t like alcoholics and drunks even more.  The fact that our children have seen him drunk, that his employees have seen him drunk, is a red flag he has a problem.  I grew up with a drunk, I was neglected by one.  I married a man that was never going to drink because our faith didn’t allow it.  Then we left the church and I was married to a drunk in the blink of an eye. 2. I made it known I didn’t like the beard.  I told him why.  He didn’t care so I let it go.  It’s his face.  He couldn’t get passed that I spoke up about it, though.  3. The job change.  We have a budget that I am in charge of making work and I always have.  I was concerned that we have two mortgages and he was about to take a $30-40K pay cut.  Yes, I was not happy.  But I also told him I would make the budget work just like I always have.  But again, he couldn’t let go that I had disagreed with a decision he made.  A decision he made by himself that affects the entire family.    4.  I am ignoring this one.

He should stop thinking at 2am

March 27, 2014

Today started early and troubling.  At 2:04 am I got a text from Adam:

            Being replaced is killing me and I'm still not handling it well at all. You don't need to talk about it with me, but I have no one. I feel like a worthless person, and I feel like my whole life stopped in January. I shouldn't even share these feelings with you because you'll just use them against me. You were my only real friend for years and I don't know you now. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know how to deal with it or how to act.

            The text woke me up so I responded.  Him opening up and talking to me is a good place for us to start.  He said I make it hard because I get upset when he shares and when he doesn’t.  He said he left work at noon, I guess because he is struggling so much.  I told him I do get upset but it isn’t because of how he feels.

            He said he feels like a failure because he could never win my honesty.  He said he hoped he could do something to get me to open up.  We talked about this multiple times in and out of counseling.  He pursued and pushed boundaries, he didn’t respect my need for some space.  It was his need for me to open up that pushed me away more.  The therapist told us about the distancer-pursuer problem just a little while ago.  Adam read up on it and was shocked at how much he matched the pursuer.  He couldn’t follow through with the “cure” though.  I tried to not distance.  At that time, when he asked me to share my thoughts, emails, texts, I gave it to him.  It wasn’t enough.

            I hurt for him.  I didn’t mean for him to ever feel replaced.  It is my fault for not doing a better job at making him feel like he meant the world to me.  He said me giving my honesty and openness to another person so easily makes him feel like he never should have been born. 

            That comment really got me worried.  I continued texting him until I wasn’t consumed with the thought he wanted to kill himself.  I reminded him he was comparing different situations when he compared our relationship to the one Gary and I have.  He said I thought the world of Gary but never thought the same of him.  I disagreed but he didn’t believe me.  He said he couldn’t even get simple words of affirmation from me.  He said I provide those words to Gary.  He said it hurts and he can’t handle it. 

            I tried to tell him that I did give him words.  It didn’t come easily learning to talk like that but I had made a real effort.  It was even an effort doing it with Gary.  The problem is, Adam said my words of affirmation weren’t the correct words. He said I didn’t give him the words, “You tried but it wasn’t in your heart.”  And he could feel it.  I wish he wouldn’t claim to know what I feel, he can’t know that.

            I told him the words I put in the journal were heartfelt.  Do those not count?  He said he can’t read them, can’t even look at the journal.  So the effort I made was outright rejected because he was sad I didn’t open up to him?  How does that work?  I poured my heart out to him, and he is holding it against me that he isn’t strong enough to read it? 

            I reminded him that we only learned about the words of affirmation three months ago.  I need time to learn how to do it right and change.  I wondered if he had even read the journal once.  He tried.  I said it was all true.  He said my actions are what spoke and that’s why he can’t read the words, it’s a hurtful thing.  I swear I feel like I am walking in circles with him!  I am trying to make amends and he won’t let me. 

            Then he said he was found lacking and always would be.  So what?  I lack in things too!  We all do!  He said “but you have someone to go to now. You have someone to soothe the hurt.  I’ve sat here in my house alone each night and tried to be okay. And nothing is okay.  It wasn’t okay from the beginning and I couldn’t tell you.”  He could have told me but he chose to not speak up with honest words.  He led me to believe he would never ask me to give up Gary because he could see how happy he was making me.  He allowed me to continue the relationship and let it grow.  He was the one that said, “You love him, I can tell.”  And yet he still said nothing.  He didn’t say anything until he was ready.  He had nearly two months to make his choice to close the marriage and gave me a blink of an eye to make the same choice. 

            I am frustrated that he thinks I am okay right now.  He doesn’t know how hard it is to not break down every second of the day.  I have to keep control of my emotions because there are seven children watching.  I have people to talk to but no one is soothing my pain.  I am also frustrated with myself.  I should have been more alert to Adam’s feelings and needs.  I shouldn’t have gotten so wrapped up in myself and being happy.  I should have made it easier for Adam to share his feelings with me. 

            He said he is mad at the lying.  He can “read” me “and always could.” He said he lied to himself because it hurt too much to read into my actions. 

            I said I was sorry.  I should have researched polyamory before finally giving into his request.  And when I lied about using a condom I failed big time.  I was trying to keep from getting in trouble.  I was wrong and I admit it. 

            He hates that the tortured feeling isn’t passing.  Crying isn’t helping.  He has an overwhelming feeling that he is worthless.  He can’t shake it. I asked if he is talking to friends or writing in a journal or seeing a therapist.  He is talking to people but not a therapist. 

            I disagreed with him being worthless.  He is far from worthless for many reasons.  He thinks he is a failure at loving and always has been.  He thinks he has never had a relationship where he hasn’t failed or been replaced.  He doesn’t feel good enough for someone to truly love.  I pointed out that there are people that love him unconditionally, he says the children have to love him and they don’t know better.  His children love him because he is a good father.  He thinks they will resent him when they get older for being a partial parent.  I asked him to please believe that someone else loves him.  He said all the romantic love he has ever thought he was getting turned out to be a lie. 

            He said the love has always been replaced because he is replaceable.  I said if he believes that then he truly does not understand me.  He said, “You know I don’t understand you at all.”  He can read me but he doesn’t understand me. 

            I was really trying to help him out of the dark place he was at and got a bit “creative. “ I said to go with my words because those are accurate.  My actions are confusing.  He said he has never been wrong, once he got that feeling it was only a matter of time before the facts would bear out the truth.  He thinks the words I spoke to him and Gary were opposite.  I told him to use science here; he was only looking for evidence to back his theory. 

            I also tried to explain that the words I speak to friends, and many of the words he claims I spoke to Gary those were words to a friend, that was me venting.  I was using my friend as a sounding board.  I need him to go with the words I give to him directly, once I have figured things out.  I said going with my “venting” word is like trying to make sense of scratch paper I use when working out a hard math problem.  It doesn’t make any sense but on the answer sheet is the correct answer.  Teachers don’t grade down for messy thought processes.

            He said he wouldn’t try to change me; I have to understand he can’t.  I’m not asking him to change me.  He needs to understand that.  He said only actions are true and he can’t trust anyone now.  I am so confused.  If words don’t count, only actions do, why does he base his reactions off the words he claims are not true? He said his reactions are based on words being deceptive and not matching facts.  But he wasn’t around for all the words or actions. 

            He pointed out he is an intelligent person.  No one is denying his intelligence.  He is telling me he reads people and is very good at it and has been doing it since he was a kid because he couldn’t trust anyone in his family.  He says it’s what makes him successful in leadership positions.  He can’t turn it off, “It is innate, gut feel.”  Too bad it doesn’t make for a good romantic position.  He “has known thousands and thousands of people.”

            He can’t read or get a gut feel for what is inside me, no one can, I can’t even do it all the time.  He claims to not know what I am thinking but can read my emotions.  But I don’t think he can do that because he is biased.  He said to listen.  He knows better and I know he has been right when he calls me out on things.  I am not to admit or deny it just realize how he works.  He said to just accept it.  But I can’t accept it!  People word things wrong all the time because they get flustered, they find it difficult to translate thoughts and feelings into words.  He said that isn’t what he is talking about and it is dumb to argue the point with him.  Then he corrected himself and said “for us to argue.  See, that is a wording problem.” 

            I said it’s because he refuses to believe he is reading me wrong.  He is claiming that his “gut feel” of my emotions is truer than how I say I feel.  Somewhere he thinks I lied to him about my feelings and told Gary my feelings meaning I lied to someone.  So why bother sharing if he is only going to tell me I am wrong?!  He said I was being defensive.  Darn right I am!  He is claiming to know me more than I know me.  That is taking away from me as a person, an individual.  He can only claim to know his perspective of a situation, that doesn’t mean he is the only one with the truth.  He said I am not willing to accept what he says.  Somewhat, yes, because I know my feelings, he doesn’t!  He said I am not willing to admit I lie to him regularly.  True, I am not willing to admit I lie to him on a regular basis because I don’t.  I also am not willing to accept that I don’t know my own feelings.  He said I don’t have to admit anything, he knows I lie and he has tested it in many factual matters. 

            What the heck?  He’s been testing me?  In what world is that a good idea for a healthy relationship?!  I admit, I hold back so I lie by omission.  He says it is overt and covert.  I asked that he stop testing me but he says he can’t.  I feel like telling him then I can’t stop being “overt and covert” whatever that means.  He can either “communicate with you completely or I can see if there’s a possibility for honest communication.”  I asked that he at least judge fairly then.  He claims he does.  I disagree and he says he understands that for me to accept it would mean I would have to admit negative things about myself, so he doesn’t expect me to. 

            The great thing about therapy is finding and admitting to the negative parts of myself and learning to be a better person.  He said I can accept what he is saying; I can verbally disagree but to really listen.  Fine, but he needs to do the same. 

            Then he changed the subject a little.  He doesn’t know how to behave.  He doesn’t know how to heal.  Neither do I.  He said we have no business being married but he doesn’t know how to be alone.  He said he is severely depressed. He cries when he thinks about the emptiness and loss he feels and cries hard.  I asked if he is reaching out to anyone and he said he tried but no one really hears his feelings or understands.  I told him to find a therapist, they get paid to listen and understand.  Then he sent me a link to an article about levels of validation.  He said it was important so I said I could either read it or talk but I can’t do both.  He said to read it later.

            He is afraid to end up like his dad.  So, don’t.  He thinks it is out of his control.  I said be active in walking a different path.  He said there is nothing he can do to make someone love him and the harder he tries the more elusive it is.  But I said he can control being able to feel loved.  He said I am not hearing him if that is my advice.  He can’t feel loved if he can’t trust.  I said both are under his control by the way he thinks.  He said I haven’t accepted his feelings as valid.  But I have.  His feelings are true to him but that doesn’t make them logical or fact.  He said I would have him take words at face value and deny his intuition.  He says he did that for years.  I can’t get my thoughts out to him.  He understands there is dissonance, which is why, I said, he needs a therapist.  It’s the same reason I see the therapist. 

            He is sure he has faulty rules.  Like “someone that loves you will always tell you the truth.”  I said someone that loves me tries their best to spare me hurt even if it means white lies on occasion.  That is the rule I based my earlier actions on.  He said our rules are in direct opposition.  Yes they are.  He says if we dug deeper we would find more rules like that.  I think the same is true for any two people.  Recognizing differences, respecting them, compromising, it’s how relationships work.  He can’t tolerate dishonesty though, I found his deal breaker.  The problem is, I wasn’t made aware of this deal breaker until after the fact.  I was trying to be kind by holding back, he saw it as cruel.  And then he didn’t allow me to make amends. 

            Then we talked about him only asking me to marry him out of a sense of obligation because he thought I might be pregnant, He said he didn’t love me when we got married.  He felt like he might be able to in the future. 

            He then tried to understand my rule.  He said when he is very open with me about his feelings, to me that is not sparing my feelings.  I said it is how he delivers it that hurts.  Plus, that is my rule for me.  I don’t expect others to spare my feelings, I don’t want to be the cause of hurt.  My rule for me.  I told him when all he did was express anger and contempt but left out his love that was hurtful.  He said sometimes there was only anger and contempt in “the box.”  Love never left my box, buried but never gone.  He said deep down he has kind feelings for me but there is a mountain of hurt on top of them.  Whereas, I dragged the good feelings with me when I started climbing the mountain of hurt because I didn’t want to lose them. 

            Adam can’t control his emotions anymore.  He journals and he has so much anger at specific behaviors.  He can’t trust his good feelings because they were based on trust. Now that trust is gone his good feeling are too.  He is learning that lying, or omitting, to spare feelings is common.  I said I can’t help him, he needs a therapist to help him.  He knows, apparently everyone is telling him that but he hasn’t gotten the nerve up to contact someone.  I pointed out that he already has a therapist.  He’ll do it “eventually.”  He had “other pressing things to deal with.”  Like buying a car.  I would think his mental health is more pressing than a vehicle.  I don’t deny he needed a vehicle.  He said last time he moved out I made him feeling guilty for the purchases he made.  He also gave guilt trips.  He said he has been trying very hard to not be confrontational and to not fight.  Except the flowers, he said that was him being a dick.  I believe he tries. 

            Then he said he really is trying.  He can’t even talk about what instinct tells him.  I think enough instinct has leaked out that I have a good idea what it is telling him.  He said, “I have a clearance to think of and I want to see my kids.”  I’m glad he has those restraints.  He said he also has self-control but it doesn’t stop desire and he hates those feelings too.  So I feel like we started this text conversation with him wanting to kill himself and I am left wondering if he also wants to kill me. 

            He wants to know what Gary and I plan to do.  What our long-term plan is.  He said that gets to the heart of his fear.  He worries that Gary is unemployed, his house is up for foreclosure, and his income is running low.  And his girlfriend lives in a very large house.  That he, Adam, is less than irrelevant.  I said if he was suggesting I was planning on moving Gary in then he was wrong.  He said he didn’t know what I was planning, well, now he does.  He knows Gary and I are getting closer while we are getting more distant.  He said Gary already took his spot or the spot he wanted to occupy but never got.  Adam volunteered to vacate that spot, it was free for someone to take.  He thinks Gary will be the dad that isn’t in the kids’ weekly lives and live in the house he bought and wanted to keep.  He said there is a lot of loss he is dealing with and it feels like he might lose more. 

            He asked if we plan to just drive back and forth between between the cities, 120 miles, every week.  He said that will get old soon. 

            I feel like I did lose everything.  I am trying to figure out a way to get some things in some way back. 

            Adam worries that while he is opening up about deep pain, tomorrow I will turn around and nitpick the conversation with Gary about how pathetic Adam is and a loser.  He said I have done it before.  I don’t recall calling him names.  He said just because I didn’t say the words didn’t mean I didn’t mock him.  I tried to explain, me venting was not mocking.  That’s why I did my venting away from Adam, so I wouldn’t inadvertently hurt his feelings.  He said venting and mocking are the same and I vent all the time. He said it just showed him my love wasn’t true and I still mock him.  He is failing to see that venting is about me, mocking is something else entirely. 

            He worries I am telling his friends and colleagues and family that he is controlling and abusive.  I don’t talk to his colleagues.  I am acquaintance with a few.  He said that fear is driving his behavior.  When he doesn’t feel those vibes he will let me know.  I told him I don’t have a need to tarnish his name.  I understand he needs to work with these people.  I also know he needs a support system and some of that system will be people I know or am related to. He said this is the central argument, we are at an impasse.  Then he apologized for waking me up, but he was bawling and couldn’t stop.  I said it was fine, he needed to talk.  It was my choice to not ignore the text in the first place. 

            

A very not good night

February 14, 2014

This day was bad.  Adam has been talking to Gary’s ex-wife.  He said they just happened to come across each other on the dating website but Adam also told me he looked her up on Facebook and knew what she looked like.  Her avatar is the same on both sites.  After a bit of messages back and forth they both just happened to realize he was my husband and she was Gary's wife.  

Adam got to the point where he was having her ask Gary questions about what Gary and I do together.  He asked her to find out about the condom.  I was sitting next to Adam while he was having this text conversation and doing my homework: I had no idea what was going on.  Then he turned to me and said, “Fuck you! I hate you!” Over and over again.  He said he knew I lied about the condom and he had proof.  I apologized.  I admitted to lying and asked why he didn’t come to me instead of asking her.  He said he knew I would keep lying because “You always lie.” 

I came downstairs to sleep.  He left me alone for a little bit.  Then he came down to yell at me some more.  He also forced me to talk about "the incident" even though he promised to leave that until we were with the therapist.  He said I am exaggerating what happened that night.  He said I just want people to feel sorry for me and will do anything to get their pity.  He said he didn’t force anything.  He said I never told him to stop and that I wasn’t crying.  He said I probably imagined I said to stop and that it hurt.  He said I always imagine conversations with him.  

I noticed his wedding ring was off.  He said I need to earn them. He finally walked away and left me alone.  

Now I am downstairs alone. I don’t know what to do.  I know I messed up but he’s made mistakes too.  And now he is saying "the incident" didn’t happen and forced me to talk about it knowing I wanted to wait until I was safe.  I don’t know what to do.

February 15, 2014

I placed my own rings on his nightstand.  He’s right, I need to earn the right to call myself his wife.  I need to earn the right to “claim” him as my husband.  I haven’t been worthy of it and it occurred to me I haven’t deserved it for a long time.  I hope to work up to a level where I can say he is mine.  But I admit I need to earn it. 

He asked if I was leaving him.  I said no.  I thought he was leaving me though.  He said my rings will be on his keychain when I want them back.  He is hurt and disgusted with me but he isn’t leaving. I’m worried he won’t forgive me. He said it will be hard to work through me lying but commitment is commitment. 

I admitted that the reason I lied was because I didn’t want to disappoint him.  He said that isn’t the core issue.  He said it was one of a thousand little lies and to regain trust there needs to be no more lies. 

He offered me a blank slate late last night.  I asked if he was serious about that.  He said no.  He said we start where we are and fix stuff.

Later in the day he mentioned Gary's wife blaming him for ruining things between her and Gary.  She said she won't talk to Adam anymore.  She told him he manipulated her and he needs therapy.

I asked if he did manipulate her and how?  He said she feels like he used her and pretended to like her just to get answers about Gary and me.  She thinks he was mean on purpose just to break up me and Gary.  He said she thinks that because Gary told her to think it.