A very not good night

February 14, 2014

This day was bad.  Adam has been talking to Gary’s ex-wife.  He said they just happened to come across each other on the dating website but Adam also told me he looked her up on Facebook and knew what she looked like.  Her avatar is the same on both sites.  After a bit of messages back and forth they both just happened to realize he was my husband and she was Gary's wife.  

Adam got to the point where he was having her ask Gary questions about what Gary and I do together.  He asked her to find out about the condom.  I was sitting next to Adam while he was having this text conversation and doing my homework: I had no idea what was going on.  Then he turned to me and said, “Fuck you! I hate you!” Over and over again.  He said he knew I lied about the condom and he had proof.  I apologized.  I admitted to lying and asked why he didn’t come to me instead of asking her.  He said he knew I would keep lying because “You always lie.” 

I came downstairs to sleep.  He left me alone for a little bit.  Then he came down to yell at me some more.  He also forced me to talk about "the incident" even though he promised to leave that until we were with the therapist.  He said I am exaggerating what happened that night.  He said I just want people to feel sorry for me and will do anything to get their pity.  He said he didn’t force anything.  He said I never told him to stop and that I wasn’t crying.  He said I probably imagined I said to stop and that it hurt.  He said I always imagine conversations with him.  

I noticed his wedding ring was off.  He said I need to earn them. He finally walked away and left me alone.  

Now I am downstairs alone. I don’t know what to do.  I know I messed up but he’s made mistakes too.  And now he is saying "the incident" didn’t happen and forced me to talk about it knowing I wanted to wait until I was safe.  I don’t know what to do.

February 15, 2014

I placed my own rings on his nightstand.  He’s right, I need to earn the right to call myself his wife.  I need to earn the right to “claim” him as my husband.  I haven’t been worthy of it and it occurred to me I haven’t deserved it for a long time.  I hope to work up to a level where I can say he is mine.  But I admit I need to earn it. 

He asked if I was leaving him.  I said no.  I thought he was leaving me though.  He said my rings will be on his keychain when I want them back.  He is hurt and disgusted with me but he isn’t leaving. I’m worried he won’t forgive me. He said it will be hard to work through me lying but commitment is commitment. 

I admitted that the reason I lied was because I didn’t want to disappoint him.  He said that isn’t the core issue.  He said it was one of a thousand little lies and to regain trust there needs to be no more lies. 

He offered me a blank slate late last night.  I asked if he was serious about that.  He said no.  He said we start where we are and fix stuff.

Later in the day he mentioned Gary's wife blaming him for ruining things between her and Gary.  She said she won't talk to Adam anymore.  She told him he manipulated her and he needs therapy.

I asked if he did manipulate her and how?  He said she feels like he used her and pretended to like her just to get answers about Gary and me.  She thinks he was mean on purpose just to break up me and Gary.  He said she thinks that because Gary told her to think it.