Add money to the list of marital problems

March 18, 2014

            Adam and I talked this afternoon about one of the girls needing a mattress.  When Adam moved out he took her mattress and bed.  The two little girls have been sharing a mattress on the floor.  I was going to run to IKEA after getting the kids from school because I know they have decent mattresses for cheap.  Adam asked if we could go together because he needed a couple more mattresses.  I was fine with that.  We agreed that for the trip to work we each needed to agree to limit the conversation to safe topics.  I can do that, I can even just play chauffeur. 

            Then I get a text from Adam that he doesn’t want to go with me, he said the idea didn’t sit well.  So I loaded little one up in the van so we could go right then instead of waiting. He was going to go by himself and bring the mattress to me later tonight.  I said I would get the mattress.  He said no, he didn’t trust me to not go on a shopping spree.  I informed him there is only one cure for all the mistrust and that is to let me do something and show him I can be trusted.  He said he won’t start trusting me.  “You’ve let me down over and over and over again.  Just recently even.  Why would I trust you?”  I don’t have control over him not trusting me.  He said the fix is for me to start being trustworthy not for him to extend his trust even more. How can I be trustworthy if he doesn’t give me the opportunity?

            I texted him back, I will be trustworthy by going to IKEA and getting a mattress and only a mattress.  He said I would also be spending the gas money just to spite him.  He said, “I told you I would go.”  I am not trying to spite him, I am trying to set up the house I have to run and part of that is making sure each child has a mattress.  He replied that he already planned on going and the only reason for me to go was because I like to shop. 

            I was already on the road.  He responded to that bit of information with, “You are such a bitch.”  I asked why?  Is it because I was getting her the mattress that we agreed she needed?  Then I offered to turn around if it meant that much to him.  He said “yes, please stop shopping until we get budget stuff sorted out. Or until you get an income of your own.”  Which is all the more confusing because he is buying the mattress anyway.  As far as I know, she needs a mattress, by law each child needs their own bed.  He said, “and I’m. Going. Tonight.”  I said he fights so fair.  I let my passive aggressiveness slip out.  I know it wasn’t right. 

            I offered to pick the mattress up from him on Saturday and allow the little one to sleep in my bed until then. I haven’t slept in it since he left so she would get the big bed all to herself.  Adam claims he is not fighting.  He is just taking charge of finances.  He is sorry I don’t like it and he will bring the mattress by tonight.  I texted, “No do not come by tonight.”  He thinks I would rather her go without a bed than have to see him.  “Who’s fighting?”  I said I do not appreciate the name-calling and the ugly.  He texted “I don’t give a shit what you appreciate anymore.” I told him if he wants to see the kids that is one thing but originally, when we were going together, he wasn’t going to be ready until 6pm meaning we wouldn’t get back until 8pm and the kids go to bed at 7:30pm.  This didn’t seem like him wanting to see the kids.  It seemed more like Adam needing to keep control.  He said he always wants to see the kids.  He also wants the children to all have their own mattress.  He does not want me to drive down and buy it.  He then said he was leaving early to do it.  I reminded him the child could have my bed until Saturday. 

            Adam replied, “You have lost free reign over my resources.”  He said if I want to be on a fixed budget I can but I won’t be able to pay all the bills.  “I’d rather see everything get paid and the kids not go without electricity or water.”  I have been the one in this marriage making sure bills get paid for 14 years.  We have never had anything disconnected.  I have missed a bill here and there and gotten the random late fee but I am pretty on top of things.  Why would I suddenly become incapable of putting the money where it needs to go?  And free reign?  Aren’t I the one that always asked to have financial meetings with him but he was always "busy or not in the mood?"  When he did voice opinions on where money should go didn’t I get it there?  Did I spend money on kid clothes and toys?  Yes.  I even sometimes spent more than budgeted but the bills always got paid and once I read Dave Ramsey’s book I got better at sticking to a budget. 

            I asked Adam what happened to cooperating with each other.  He said that’s when we were together, this is a different world.  He was willing to cooperate earlier.  “I’d like to not get kicked in the nuts for at least one week first.” Then he said this is how I get my needs met.  I said it sounds more like him getting his needs met.   “I’m taking care of the fact that we have more going out then coming in.  Yes, I have a need that the bills get paid and that we get out of debt. I haven’t eaten today and I keep the heat off in my house when I’m not there. I’m freaking starving but the kids are more important.  When you start sacrificing the way I have for years and years then you can start to talk about whose needs are being met and whose aren’t.”  I told him to go buy food.  I cut the kids’ and I grocery budget by $100 so he wouldn’t need to starve at his house.  He agreed to get some food.  He said he was going to go last night but didn’t want it all to go bad before the weekend.  I said it wouldn’t go bad because he would be eating it.  I guess he is only shopping for the kids, he expects to survive off cottage cheese and tuna.  I pointed out that isn’t a balanced diet.  He said he knows but we have $9161 in monthly costs and only $7632 coming in. 

            Then I changed the topic.  When does he want to see the kids? He said when he brings the mattress by tonight. 

            Then I jumped back to the budget.  Those are not the same numbers I have.  I must have missed big categories because I was off by a lot.  Then I asked what time he wants to see the kids.  That’s when he informed me that he paid off two of his personal credit cards and only has $116 remaining on his Home Depot card.  He used pay he just got from teaching.  Then he was kind enough to tell me his budget numbers.  He said my bill expenses total $2278.91 and his $2453.51, estimating $100 each for DPL, Vectren, and water.  He is giving me $400 for gas, $800 for groceries, and $500 for everything else.  “Once I get things set up where you can’t go past that budget, then you can shop how and wherever you want.”  Is it horrible that I wanted to (but didn’t) respond, Yes father.

            Once again I asked what time he would get here.  He said when he was done at IKEA.  Wow, how helpful.  He ended up getting here right at bedtime and then stayed an hour past bedtime.  He invited himself into what is now my home.  I feel powerless.  Powerless.