A positive moment?

March 5, 2014

            Adam is asking his open marriage expert friend about her advice when it comes to an open marriage. He appreciates our discussion this morning even though he doesn’t think I feel like it went anywhere.

He says he wrote things out today also. He apologizes for making me feel like he expects things from me. And for getting me to tell him things that he knows will just hurt him and make him feel compared and diminished. I appreciate the apology.

He commented that his core fear comes down to not meeting anyone that will approve of him. He said he fears he is projecting onto me like it's my fault for being in love.

            He wants to avoid situations in which I'll be comparing or inadvertently disrespectful. He says he can't suck respect out of me, but he can't dance in front of the train tracks also.

            I brought up something he has mentioned in the past few weeks, basically, limit or completely avoid any Gary references when Adam and I talk. He said, “Kind of. Go and have your affair, but let me live as if you're my stay at home mom-wife. Let's disentangle the relationships more.”  I think that’s what we have been needing to do, disentangle the relationships.  Adam keeps trying to know the intimate details of the relationship Gary and I are forming.  But Adam isn’t part of that relationship so even if he is given the details he will never understand the entire relationship. Then Adam dropped this on me: “I quietly deleted my marriage status on Facebook. Just letting you know. It showed up on my public profile, even when I hid it. Since girls be stalkin, I want to save that conversation for when I want to have it.” He thinks he is “losing girls” when they Facebook search him and can see he is married. Then he said we can still hold hands in public. I’m glad to hear I'm not being completely hidden from the world.

            He said my status is “in a relationship.”  It’s been that way since August.  When he moved back in I put that so as to avoid getting silly comments from people that didn't know what was going on, since Adam had changed his relationship status first.

            Adam searched his name and found he was the first result. That’s his reasoning, so okay. 

            I had an exam tonight. When I finished I went to Neighborhood Brewpub to finish  discussion posts. I asked if Adam was willing to join me after band practice, or possibly before? He said sure. I asked if he wanted some food so I could order it before he got here. He just wants beer.

March 6, 2014

            Littlest and I worked to clean up the downstairs.  Adam said thanks,  “I appreciate it very much when the house is clean. :)”

He said “It gives me happies.” I try to make sure all the common areas in the house are cleaned up.  The kid rooms get my attention when I have more time.  Today was not one of those days. It is a laundry day.  I got it all done. 

            Adam mentioned having a lot of thoughts in a lot of different directions and kind of being under a lot of pressure. He doesn’t want to work so things are piling up. He doesn’t want to blame the ADHD but he has been struggling to concentrate for a few weeks. I told him once he gets even one task done he can focus on more fun stuff.

            Warmer weather is headed our way. Spring really is just around the corner. I asked Adam if he knew what that meant. He thought BBQ. Nope, it means it’s garden time!  I am a little disappointed he didn’t know that seeing as the kids and I have a huge garden every year and start the seeds indoors every year.  He isn’t terribly excited by the garden but understands it is important to the kids and me. 

            Adam is supposed to fly out to DARPA in a bit but really doesn’t want to. The VPs want him to go.  I told him to flip a coin.  He said he is practicing not doing things just for others so he just won’t go.

            Adam and I talked and agreed I should start a thread on BHB about the open marriage. That was the wrong thing to do! It was a fun discussion but difficult. I was called an attention whore and boring. A lot of people said it isn’t "an open marriage but a failed marriage." Others thought it terrible that I put myself as a priority above the children. Adam said he had heard the “failed” comment before. He has also heard "an open relationship is the same as no relationship" A few people have honest and fair things to say or ask.

            Mostly, no one understands how Adam or I could have time for family, work, school, marriage, and dating.  Adam said we don’t have time.  He said we’ve been stealing from sleep time and time with the kids. He thinks I have been stealing time with him and time with the kids. And maybe homework time. He feels that is a fair criticism.

So I guess that's a fair criticism.

            Adam has requested we go one week only focusing on positives.  He said if we make it maybe we can celebrate by having an ice cream date.  So, from now until next Thursday, if we can go without ugliness, jealousy, or fighting we get ice cream.

            Adam then transitioned to an open marriage discussion. He checked OKCupid at lunch, and they changed the relationship status choices to include Open Relationship. He is going to try that out. He asked if I saw a text about a date. I didn’t see it. He’s  going out with a mutual acquaintance tonight  around 8 PM. He’ll leave work right at 4:30 to spend some time with me beforehand.

            I took advantage of a closed space with our oldest in the car to touch base. It was a good conversation. She actually made me cry.  Since Adam insisted we tell the kids about the open marriage I just wanted to find out if we screwed her up by telling her. I won't put it as eloquently as she did but, there are lots of way to live life. She accepts that. We are not the only examples of love and relationships that she has and when the time comes she will build off all the environments that she has been exposed to to make her lifestyle choice. She also understands the importance of building a monogamous relationship before jumping into a poly one.