The Struggles

February 10, 2014

Adam: Hi sweetie. I'm bouncing around busy today, but I was thinking about you and wanted to stop and let you know. I love you from someplace deep and I'm glad whenever I get to spend the good times with you like I did yesterday.

February 11, 2014

Adam sent me a link to an online test.  The results place you on a narcissistic scale.  He wants to use my results as a baseline. He said he is trying to get to the bottom of what is wrong with him.

I scored 6, which is really low.  Adam scored 21. It's above average and is described as normal (non-pathological) narcissism. He knew he was high because he took this same test a few years ago and had similar results, but at the time was really upset. He was in Las Vegas when his coworkers kicked him out of their group for being a jerk.

Later he asked me the following question:  If it takes a day or two for me to realize when you say something that hurts my feelings, do you want to know about that? Or should I wait until we are at a safe place?”  I told him I would like to know as soon as he has hurt feelings.   He said normally what happens is I say something and he takes it neutrally but after a day or two it eats away at him until his “love meter” is at a zero. 

            He said a couple days ago I said several things about how in shape Gary is and how much I liked it.  He said then I made a few comments “to the effect” that if he worked on his upper body he would get more sex from me.  He let it sit and fester until we were at dance lessons and then all he could think about was his upper body not being fit and toned.  I apologized. 

I tried to explain to him that wasn't the message I meant to send.  Yes, Gary has a nicely toned upper body and I find it very attractive.  But I never told Adam he needed to make his body look like that.  I also never said he would get more sex if he was more fit.  My intention was to do what Adam had asked: share my thoughts.  It turns out I am really turned on by a toned upper body.

Adam said he feels compared and self conscious about his body.  He said he knows I didn’t mean it offensively.  He said he has been working on improving his body and dieting for years and just wants to give up.  So give up.  The working on improving he has been doing was his idea and based on what he wanted.  He wanted to increase his body mass and was all about high protein and lifting weights!  That wasn’t for me, it was for him.

I let Adam know that he also commented about the lady he slept with.  He commented that she had some meat on her and he liked it.  But I didn’t take that to mean he did not like my body but that he found there was another body type he also liked. 

He said the problem is he is fearful nobody will want him.  He’s trying not to pursue me or anyone in that “pursuer-distancer” way that the marriage therapist told us about.  But he doesn’t feel like he has a source of affection and is standing up to his fear of not being pursued or loved.  He said it will always be a problem and we will need to work together to help him.  He said it will take patience and understanding. 

I told him I don’t compare his body and Gary’s body.  I understand they are two different people.  He said he’ll try not to read too much into the things I say because he still wants to know the details of what I do with Gary. 

I told him it might help if he takes the time to realize that when I talk to him about Gary I really am talking about Gary.  He said his own talking is looking for validation.  He said he gets one positive comment for every 30, not just from me but everyone.  I thought me telling him his pants looked looser and congratulating him on a lower weight was a positive.  I guess he wants more. 

I found his psych evaluation and told him he should read it.  He asked for the gist.  The gist is that he will struggle with feeling inadequate.  He will worry, hold a grudge, adhere to his own opinion, misinterpret the intentions of others, have mild paranoia.  He said he buys it and wants to change.  He asked what the report suggests, I said psychotherapy.  He’ll see if the marriage therapist can meet with him. 

Then we talked about dates.  I was scheduled to go out and then Adam booked himself a date at the same time but never told me.  I was going to take the Toyota. 

Adam said he’ll cancel his date because he doesn’t want to show up in the van.  He is upset that every time he has gone on a date the kids were in bed or it was during work hours.  He said he scheduled dates like that so I wouldn’t have an extra burden of managing the house.  I pointed out that I have our toddler during the day so I cannot go out on lunch dates like he does.  Then he said when he stayed out all night he came home and cleaned.  I pointed out also, that I am normally gone on Wednesdays until 10pm for school so I am not adding any extra work to Adam’s home schedule. 

He said I need to be considerate of the fact that he is working like a slave and needs my help.  He said when I make plans I need to make sure he and the kids don’t have to work harder.  In the mean time, he gets to have the middle of the day dates, and night time dates. 

I responded as follows:

1. I picked Wednesday to spend time with Gary to avoid putting a burden on you.  Ever since last semester that has been the day I am out of the house doing school work.  I leave around 4pm and do not get home until 10 pm.  

2. I plan on being home before kids wake up for school.  

3. Yes, you did come home and clean up the house when you were out all night.  I don't anticipate shirking my regular daily duties just because I stay out late. 

4. For a long time I begrudged you and the extra burden it put on me so you could do music.  Whether you were spending time recording solo stuff, having band practice, gone at a show, or gone for a weekend to record.  Then I realized how much you needed it.  I realized how happy it made you.  Maybe that's when I started actively speaking the Acts of Service love language but suddenly it wasn't a burden for me to let you have all that time doing something that made you happy, it was my privilege to make sure you had the opportunity to do it.  

5. You asked me how I felt about Gary, suggesting I love him.  I hesitate to use such a strong word so early on but will admit to having some sort of feelings for him.  Getting to spend time with him is tricky, as you very well know from trying to set up dates with women that have children.  Add to the children constraint the fact that we do live an hour apart.  I'll be lucky to see him for a couple hours each week.  If I am able to travel to him I'll be even luckier in that I will get to spend a night with him once a week or every two weeks.  I will not always be the one going to him.  He'll come up here.  I am willing to sacrifice all my other social time (trivia night, ladies' night, etc) in order to make it financially more sound.    

6. I think I have been considerate.  I have tried to make sure the home was not in shambles the two times I have gone out.  I had food in the house and a meal at least planned.  I did the work ahead of time.  Now, if you would rather I drive the van and stop switching vehicles, fine.  I assumed switching the vehicles was best because the van isn't exactly fuel efficient and I didn't want to leave you without means of transporting all the kids in case of an emergency.

7.  If it will appease you I will wait until closer to 9pm tomorrow to leave.

He said to go it's fine, take the car. I don't need to wait until later. Do what makes you happiest. But Please don't make him invent a story for the kids.  Then he asked if we should sit the older kids down and have an open discussion with them about the open marriage.

I told him his response doesn’t seem sincere.  I don’t think he does want me to do what makes me happiest. He admitted he is upset.   He says he knows I’m not going to be more considerate of his feelings if he tells me not to go, so he won't hold me back.  I said if he would tell me how to be more considerate I would do it. 

He said he doesn't know. Don't do overnights during the week. Start showing him love again like I started to before I met Gary. Feel things from his perspective and try to make decisions that show I might still respect him in some small way. 

I asked how overnights on the weekdays are any different than weekends? On a weekday I am aiming to not be gone at any point that you would need me.  On the weekends I am gone during the time we would spend together. I don’t get it.