Then there was that

March 13, 2014

            Adam wants me to stop telling everyone that he is controlling and abusive.  He says if I stop doing that then we can get along better.  He says “You don’t have to be a victim to have a marriage end.”  He also said I hadn’t told the oldest two girls anything about what is going on. “Are you trying to have them think I’m just abandoning them?  I don’t like this."  

He apologized for dumping out my flowers.  He said those were meant to show love and he felt rejected and punished in return.  He says he is willing to cooperate in a divorce.  Then he said he didn’t think I would be hiding when he got home.  He said all of a sudden he is getting Adam is abusive, Adam is controlling, Adam is a manipulator.  He feels like I am prepping for a court battle.  If he is just now hearing these terms to describe him then he wasn’t listening during couples counseling the last six months.  He definitely wasn’t listening to me when I would talk to him at home. 

            He added that he is feeling a serious lack of trust.  Really?  How can he be surprised about that?  Didn’t he just tell me he loves me and would do anything to keep me?  Then he walked away like a day later?  You bet I don’t trust him!  He continues to only be focused on himself and forgets that more people are involved.  He continues to say one thing only to change the following day. 

            As for me “hiding,” I told him I would be sleeping in Ollig’s room and that is exactly where I was.  And I didn’t tell the kids because I thought we would sit down together, as their parents, and tell them all what is going on.  When he left last year, it was on me to tell the kids by myself.  I was hoping to avoid that this time around.  The last thing I am doing is preparing for a court battle.  That’s Adam not trusting me.  I want to keep my friend even if I am loosing him as a husband.  Adam said we would work together and I believed him.  Part of me still does. 

            He says if I don’t want to lose him as a friend then I need to take some responsibility.  He said the marriage isn’t ending because he is abusive no matter what I have told my closest friends.  He says if I insist on slandering him we won’t ever be friends.  I told him I talked to one friend.  I can’t tell her what to make of the situation, she came to those conclusions on her own.  Adam said I didn’t leave it to her, that I’m not being honest.  I asked him to tell me what I said because my memory must be failing me.  The problem is, he wasn’t there to hear me confide in my friend.  He said I must have only told Sam enough to make her side with Gary.  I made sure to tell Adam that the only time I started using the words “controlling” or “abusive” was after someone else used them to describe the situation.  Even then I excused Adam’s behaviors and stuck up for him.  I blamed myself and protected him from their harsh judgements.  I also told him the Sam is not siding with Gary.  She thinks I should break up with him so Adam can’t use the relationship against me.

            Adam feels I have used the words so often in our conversations that I am trying to make myself believe they are accurate descriptions of him.  I said I only used them after multiple people used them.  I question the labels.  He says he doesn’t believe me.  He doesn’t believe it because he doesn’t trust me, I understand that.  

Until we can stop the blame game we need to stop talking/texting.  He responded, “We can be friends or we can be horrible enemies.  You decide with your behavior.”  I said he plays a part in that decision as well.  He said he does and he will try to not react emotionally.  He says he is still in a very angry, lonely, and hurt place so all he seems to do is react emotionally.  I said I understand, and when I talk with my friends it is emotionally and I share how I have experienced things.  He said but he hasn’t slandered me, he asked that I have some respect for him.  “I’m leaving you and I know that feels bad but you and I are both good people.”

            I don’t know when I slandered him.  Sam chooses the words she uses.  The therapist chooses the words he uses.  Everyone, they all choose the words they use.  He disagrees.  He said they don’t know him so they use the words I use to describe him.  “You’ve framed it up for everyone and I’m disappointed that you’re bringing things up from counseling to your friends.  That was supposed to be a safe place to talk.  Why do you think I have no confidence in the process?” 

            I said I understand him feeling that way.  Obviously, how I presented the information to Sam has made her feel one way but I was talking to her before we started therapy.  I never talk to my friends about the things Adam says in counseling.  That is private.  But I am allowed to talk about my thoughts and feelings with friends whether or not I talked about it in counseling. 

            Then he brought up "the incident."  He said I talked to Sam probably the same way I talked to Gary telling him that Adam forced me down and anally raped me while I screamed.  He said that is framing.  The problem with that story is Adam was told that version third hand.  I never described "the incident" in that way.  I never said I screamed and I never used the word rape.  I said he had anal sex with me when I didn’t want it and that he didn’t hear me when I said to stop.  He said I didn’t say stop.  And as I recall, he was not in the room to know how I told Gary.  He needs to stop relying on Gary's ex's version of things.  He said to stop changing my story and he could believe me better. 

            My story has never changed.  Adam was there.  He knows what happened.  He shoved his penis in my ass.  He did not ask.  He did not use lubrication.  He caused me pain physically and emotionally.  That’s the story and if someone wants to say Adam raped me based on those facts, fine.  Adam simply responded that he didn’t want to get into this and he can’t trust me.  He said he is asking me to stop leading people to believe he is an abuser.  Fine, I will do what he is telling me to do.  He also said if I have integrity I will correct everyone if they should come to that conclusion from how I frame it.  I did try to correct them.  I told them how Adam said he didn’t hear me say to stop or that it hurt.  I told them he didn’t see me crying. 

            But Adam doesn’t believe me.  He said, “And again, I don’t buy it.  It’s easy to tell when you lie now.”  I can’t change how he feels toward me.  If he chooses to mistrust then that is where we are.  He said it’s not what he wants but I am making it difficult.   

            Adam is caught up in a fear that I am building a case to take the kids away and to make him suffer financially.  I’m not.  He said he doesn’t think I am actually doing all that but he fears I am.  He said after we get stuff settled I can say whatever I want to whomever I want. 

            I’m just trying to figure out the least amount of money I need to run the house and then freaking out about how I still won’t be able to make things work.  I’m thinking about how the kids can get the most time with Adam.  And the whole time I’m trying to not break down in front of the kids but I feel like I am failing miserably. 

            Adam commented that he doesn’t want to control what I can say and can’t say and he realizes he is doing just that.  But he wants to have a fair shake in court.  I pointed out that he won’t need a fair shake in court because we are supposed to do a dissolution.  He said that’s what he wants.  Then I can say whatever I want, just don’t break down his relationship with the kids.  Then I asked for a breather. 

            He said when he came home to me “hiding” in Littlest’s room he was worried I was going to try to put a domestic violence charge on him.  I don’t understand why he thinks I will be vindictive?  It’s almost like his guilt is getting to him.  He has never been violent.  I’m not going to make up some story about him beating me so he can put those worries aside.   

            Adam said he understands he hurts me almost everytime we talk about important things and he wishes he didn’t but he doesn’t know how not to.  He is still committed to working on improving his own behavior, especially as it relates to me.  He said we can do this. 

            Later in the day, Adam texted to let me know he talked to Jessica and she recommended two lawyers.  Adam has already chosen the one he will use.  He doesn’t want to go without me because the attorney will probably just recommend Adam file divorce.  I told him to tell me when the appointment is.  But then he spoke to the attorney and was told I can sit in the lobby.  What good is that other than to be awkward?

            Then Adam wanted to know when I meet with our therapist next.  It’s today.  Adam wanted to know if I want him there.  I said he is free to do whatever he wants.  He said he is trying to not be a jerk but he needs to know what I do and don’t want him to do.  I was driving and couldn’t text him.  He said he is just wanting to mend our friendship. 

            We continued the conversation when I got home.  He was still wanting to know if I would go to the attorney's.  I said we both know what the he will say.  I will have no money to defend myself and Adam will win.  He said he is not wanting a divorce but a mutual dissolution.  He is ready to cooperate.  He is seeing a lawyer that can represent him.  He said he is only seeing the attorney because he doesn’t know how to fill out the dissolution papers.  We can fill out the papers and file them.  Neither of us needs an attorney. 

            I told Adam that the therapist suggested an informal separation or a formal one.  Adam said we could but everyone has told him to get a lawyer.  Oh, so he is allowed to talk to people and frame it in such a way that they tell him to get  a lawyer.  I see. 

            Anyway, I told him the paper work for a dissolution is no harder to fill out than the eviction papers were and I obviously did fine there.  He said an informal separation doesn’t protect anyone and a formal one is a wait and see thing.  I would trust he would abide by what we sign in an informal agreement.  He said tomorrow is just a consultation, he isn’t filing.  He said even with a separation we need to sit down and figure out parenting time, spousal support, bills, debt, etc.  I said all of that can be part of the sepration.  He just wants to know what options are out there.  He doesn’t think we could do a separation agreement until we stop doing things to hurt each other, or make each other jealous, or acting out of pain and hurt.  I said that’s what space apart is for.  He said he is only rushing because he fears I will file for divorce.  He wishes he could trust me but he has “burnt” his hand already.  I said use logic: I don’t have money to file.  He said I used credit last time.  But the credit is maxed out now.  He on the other hand has another credit card he could use and the ability to get another.  He said he does but he won’t because he doesn’t want to pay “out the nose” for a lawyer.  He said if I think we can fill out the paperwork okay.  But he said he looked at it and it’s complicated and doesn’t understand it.  All the more reason we should cooperate and write up our own. 

            Then he asked if we could do another truce.  No doing things to hurt each other type of truce.  I asked if he isn’t in a rush to start another relationship why is he rushing everything.  He said he just wants to make sure he doesn’t lose his kids if I decide to put a restraining order on him.  The restraining order last time was a financial one.  But he said I have been talking about him being abusive and the frequency of it has been escalating since I met Gary.  So, did he just admit I talked about him being abusive before Gary, pretty sure he did.  Even still, I don’t use the word abusive.  And I am not asking for a restraining order and I am not filing for divorce.  I’m also not speaking ill of him to the children. 

            Then he talked about moving and the stress he is feeling.  I said I would make sure to be gone when he does pack.  He said that isn’t needed because he doesn’t want to fight.  He said he is done blaming me, it isn’t my fault.  I don’t need to be gone because I think we will fight, I need to be gone because I cannot handle watching him go.  I’ve avoided our room all yesterday because I didn’t want to see my stuff packed.  Today I cleaned it up and unpacked my things and that was difficult.  The flowers in the sink this morning?  Stuff like that is why I need to not be around.  He apologized for the flowers and admitted he was acting out.  And I am afraid he will act out more.  He said he is still hurt and jealous.  “If you want to date the guy again fine.  I want to let you go so my heart will let you go.”  He wants to be able to be around me without him crying or feeling like his chest will cave in.  He said he isn’t in charge of my life or the things I do.  But he also said some things I do hurt him badly.  He can wish I would stop but I am my own free agent.  He said he is mentally and emotionally letting me go so he can be okay with me doing as I please.  He also has to “let go of the heavy responsibility” he always felt toward me.  He is okay that no one loves him.  He is “okay that I’m no one’s choice.”  I told him that isn’t true.  He said it is and it hurts less if he accepts it.  I told him I love him.  I would stop fighting for our marriage when he stopped fighting.  But that’s not true.  I know why he can’t come back so the fighting is done.  He said he needs to go through this. 

            I wish I could show Adam I can love them both.  I don’t want to let go of my dreams of growing old with Adam.  He said I don’t get to grow old with him, he will do it by himself.  That seems a bit extreme.  Even if our marriage ends, he is young and spending the rest of his life alone seems unlikely.  He said a lot of women are interested in him but he feels nothing back.  I suggested that because he is full from feeling all the negatives.  He said he might give someone his time and attention but he will never give them the love he gave me.  I said I hate that he can’t feel my love.  He said it is just words.  He said I am a good person and a good mom, we just didn’t make the connection we needed to make.  Then he went on to compliment me.  He said he feels strongly that I care about others, am intelligent, witty, funny, and cute.  But he doesn’t think I trust him and that is what love is built on.  He thinks over time we can build trust but not enough to build real love.    

            Then I remembered a journal I was writing for Adam.  A friend suggested it back in January.  It was supposed to span a year, most of it is empty since all this happened.  The journal is a way to speak the love language of “words of affirmation.” 

            Adam said control is the opposite of trust.  If you trust someone you can rely on them to do what you need without you trying to control them.  If you try to control someone it means there is no trust.  Trust is a relationship of reliance and he relied on me for everything he felt.  We both agree that isn’t good.  When he didn’t get the feelings he wanted he tried to do this or that to make it so he did.  That was controlling.  So he agrees, he did controlling things.  The only thing he can change is his reaction to not getting what he wants.  “So all this to say I’d rather not rely on you to get things I want.  I want to break that relationship of reliance.  I don’t want to have to trust you and take a chance to be let down.  So, if you want to have your relationship, go ahead.  If you want to say mean things about me, go ahead.  I don’t want you to do any of these things, but I’m getting out of the business of being in charge of your life.”  He said he can’t hold my choices against me.  He said he can either avoid me or be with me.  I suggested he could take a middle ground and just step back for a bit.  I said that was what the therapist suggested.  He said it would be a long time before he didn’t want to control the outcome.  But I am willing to wait while he figures that part out. 

            He said it will be a very long time.  He even plans to check out a new therapist next week.  I added I am willing to wait.  I need to fix me just as much as he needs to fix himself.  He said he can’t be with me because all he’ll want to do is fix things.  He said I can fix me but he needs oto be okay with me not being fixed and that’s a problem right now.  I said that’s why an informal separation is best.  We each get time.  We wait and see what we each can accomplish in therapy.  He said he can never be in a relationship with me, at least not for years.  We start as friends, but he said real friends, not married friends.  I said we wait and see how the friendship forms without the stress of the marriage.

            He said he knows I am upset but he was really happy to be “back in my own house.”  I asked if we can just take things slow.  Then he apologized about the flowers and for not putting my clothes away.  He said he was being an inconsiderate dick. 

            Then he said he will date again soon.  He needs someone and asked if that is okay.  I said he never needed to stop.  He said he did need to stop because he needed me to stop.  Funny, because I needed him to find someone because I needed to keep someone.  I guess now he gets what he has been needing during the open marriage, no wife in the way.  He won’t need to lie or anything.  He said I was never in the way of him dating but his yearning to connect with me was.  Then he apologized for being controlling and manipulative and probably emotionally abusive.  He just doesn’t like to hear me say it about him.  He said he can’t admit it unless no one is forcing it on him because the words hurt to hear.  He said he feels controlled when I force him to acknowledge it. 

            He said he hopes I understand what he is saying about love.  Love to him is built on trust and respect.  When he believes I trust him and respect him, then he will be able to feel my love.  I said I need to work on things to get to that point.  I asked him to not take it the wrong way, this is me owning my problem, not placing blame.  I need to deal with "the incident."  He said he knows.   It is an incident I need to process.  I pushed it aside after it happened and didn’t think about it until very very recently.  If I don’t process it and heal then Adam will never feel trust or respect from me. 

            He said he feels “guilt and remorse” over the incident.  He said he also feels remorseful about minimizing it by saying he didn’t mean it maliciously.  “It doesn’t matter what I meant because it was hurtful. I caused you pain, whether I realized I was or not.  And that makes me very, very sad.”  I thanked him and said having him recognize it helps.  He said he has always recognized it but is just now able to put it into words.  He said suffering is suffering.  He trusts that I am being serious about it rather than trying to bind him with it.  My intentions in bringing it up were not to make him feel guilty.  It has always been about making it so I could heal.  Then Adam said, “I was raped when I was little.  I know what it feels like.”  I told him I know his past and that is why I did not dwell on it.  I didn’t want to frame it like that and make him relive that past.  I was trying to protect him but it has been at my own expense of healing.  He said if it feels like that to me he is so sorry.  He “felt such shame and guilt and remorse and like he had done something wrong. I’m sorry anyway.”  He said he is empathetic and can understand. 

            I told him I lost the trust that he would never hurt me.  I lost faith that my knight in shining armour would recue me because right then he was the one I needed rescued from.  He said “You can frame it how you like with me. I did break your trust, and I didn’t realize it at the time.  It’s clear why you wouldn’t love me.” 

            Then we talked about the kids well visit appointments. 

            I reiterated that I do love him but I know we need the space.  He asked that, for the kids’ sake, I be happy about him moving out. 

            He asked if he could stop by for a pillow.  I said to go for it because I wasn’t home.  I didn’t tell him, but I owe it to sit down and let Gary know what is going on.  He should know that things might be over not just between me and Adam but between him and me.  I just don’t know right now, and even that he deserves to know and not over a text.