Don't be fooled

March 7, 2014

            Adam thanked me for calling to apologize this morning. He said I wasn’t that bad but it meant a lot to him and showed that I cared. Then he suggested we have a Chick Fil A date after my appointment with the therapist.

            It was an okay date.  He talked about not really being in love with me.  He said he doesn’t think he has ever really been in love and we each deserve a chance to have the love we have never had.  Overall, it was a crappy date.

March 9, 2014

            Adam asked if I would be staying at Gary’s tonight because he wants to invite someone over to watch a movie. I said I would stay.  He made it pretty clear before I left that he didn’t want me coming home.  Actually, he said he would be angry if I came home.  He wanted to see if he could manage the house with me gone the entire weekend and a school night (Sunday).  He is getting ready to leave me.  I have a strong feeling this is the end.

March 10, 2014

             Adam did invite a “friend” over to watch movies.  One of our rules was to not have the kids around the people we were dating until both Adam and I were comfortable with the meeting up.  I guess he forgot that rule.    We use to go to church with her so I at least know of her. Adam has known for awhile that she and her husband had an open marriage, I think that’s where he got the idea.  He introduced her to the kids.  I am not happy that he broke a rule involving the kids.  This is a huge boundary violation.  

            We had the following discussion over text throughout the day:

Adam: Hey, I do have something to talk about but I don't want it to seem bad or critical or whatever and I don't want to wait until Friday when we have marriage counseling either.

Heather: But you are ahead of the week long cease fire.

Adam: I know. We're supposed to not deal with things until Thursday because cease fire. That's why I've been quiet. It's very awkward for me to be like that though.

Heather: Do you want to do this over text or in person?

Adam: Text would be better, so I don't inadvertently say stupid things. I can think about what I type.

Heather: If that is what you are comfortable with. I am open to what you need to say.

Adam: Like I mentioned before, I was shocked and surprised when you mentioned that you'd have to choose between Gary or me if we closed the marriage. Up until that point, I thought that my relationship with you was secure and stable, and that we were on the path to improve it and be happy. Since then, I've tried to look and listen more and talk less, because I wanted to see if I was becoming your secondary partner. So I guess that's it. Am I your secondary love interest? And be honest.

Heather: No, you are not my secondary love interest. That's why I am pushing myself to understand you and your point of view. That is why I have put my comfort aside. It's why I do things to please you. I want you to be in love with me. I want you to feel for me the way I feel for you. I want to be your primary.

Adam: You've always only been my primary. But I've felt like I've never really had you, except for a few days this year. You've been very distant whenever you come back from Gary's.  So much that I found myself kind of pushing you away because I knew it would hurt and we would fight when you got back.

Heather: I actually broke down this weekend because I know you are not happy. I know you don't love me the same way I thought you did for so long and the way I love you. I'm glad you had a great weekend but honestly, mine had some pretty shitty moments.

Adam:  What do you mean I don't love you?

Heather: You said twice this week that you are not in love with me.

Adam: I never said that. Is this why you became weird after we'd talked about starting from a strong friendship? That's not what I meant at all. I wish you would have talked to me about that.

Heather: You did say it. Then, I think it was after Chickfila, you said opening the marriage was a chance for both of us at being in love for the first time.

Adam: I think that's what you took away, but that's not what I said and it's not what I meant even a little bit, not even close.

Heather: Hopefully you can understand that if that was what I was hearing I was a bit at a loss of words. I shut down.

Adam: I can understand why you became distant then. I've never loved anyone else as much as I loved / and love you. Let me rephrase what I was trying to say then.

Heather: Then coming home to find you changed the bank log in and email? I feel like the message you are sending is that you are getting your ducks in a row to leave or kick me out.

Adam:  I'm worried about you leaving me. I know you say you're not planning on it, but it feels like you are emotionally distancing yourself to make it easier. And you kind of just surprised me last time when you filed for divorce. I wasn't ready for that. And you'd said that you wouldn't, but you did anyway because you wanted to protect yourself.

Heather: I wanted to protect the kids.

Adam: There was nothing to protect the kids from. But anyway, you said you wouldn't but you did. That makes me very hesitant when I feel like you're leaving me and it feels like I've lost the part of you that I wanted to some other guy. I have all these panic warning sirens going off in my head.

Heather: I'm sorry that I inadvertently distanced myself. I'm getting so many conflicting messages and emotions thrown at me and in my head I have no idea what the hell I am doing or suppose to do.

Adam: So about last week, I said that it felt like I didn't really know you. I was in love with you, but it was the you that I thought you were. What I was trying to say was that I hadn't ever gotten to know who you were truly on the inside, and that I wanted a chance to love that person. Not the super mom, primary teacher, mormon, 7 kids. The person that I've gotten tiny glimpses of here and there. The one that's turned on by me and is thoughtful and caring and shares her feelings with me.

Heather: Talk about a misunderstanding!

Adam: I was saying that I really like when you're open, and even if we never had that emotional connection, I want to build it up from the one thing that I definitely know we had a lot of. This long-term never-die friendship. But then when I told you that, you shut down. And you seemed to understand what I was saying at the time, so it was even more confusing.

Heather: You left out some stuff in the original telling. Or, you didn't say it this way.

Adam: I'm not good with words in person. You know that. I have a lot to say and it's hard to not fumble over myself or accidentally get you to climb the tree over something. I don't know how to make you love me more, but I feel like you've loved me less since you met Gary.

Heather: Not loved you less, understood you less. I'm glad you broke the cease fire to talk about this. I'm sorry I shut down before making sure I was getting the message correct last week. I was excited to get home this morning and imagined having a few minutes time with you. I had spent the drive home de-Garying my thoughts. I was excited to kiss you and hold you. But then, understandably since reading your texts, I just got an icy hi/bye. I would like to request a redo of my homecoming, please.

Adam: Haha. You can have a re-do. I want you to be able to understand me in the same way that I want to be able to understand you. It's like the most important thing.

Heather: I have a lot of unconscious not shutting down learning to unlearn.

Adam: And I want to feel like I'm your primary love. I can't push you to feel one way or another, but I can tell you it's what I want. More than anything.

Heather: Then it sounds like a good idea to start from a "friends" place. This keeps us from expecting anything huge from the other person, that means no pressure. Date me, it's a good way to get to know me. I've discovered I'm a pretty awesome person and would like to share that with you but we have a lot of awkward in the way right now. I feel like you are mostly getting Defcon Delta Heather.

Adam: What's Defcon Delta Heather?

Heather: Protective and guarded; lockdown- nothing in nothing out.

Adam: That's hard to work with. But at the same time, I'm trying to not be a pursuer. Also, trying to not let emotions take control and trying to not to think about things too much. It's a really tough mental / emotional balancing act.

Heather: It's not just the pursuing, you have been doing well with that. It's the up and down emotional roller coaster of info I get.

Adam: I don't think it's been up and down on my part. I think I've been working to understand how closeness works with you. And I did warn you that not pursuing might feel like I'm being distant.

Heather: It's having you say X one day and then the next day say the opposite. My head is spinning! Divorce is not an option/divorce is on the table if you find someone that can love you how you need, don't take the car it's demasculating/take the car, happy/not happy, loved/not loved. Getting woken up at 3am to have intimate discussions probably doesn't help me. I have no clue what is going on and my brain can't grasp what you say.

Adam:The divorce thing I told you was that I had to have that be an option if I feel like I'm losing you. Not if I find someone better. I never said that. I just know I won't be able to live with myself feeling like I'm being taken advantage of while your attentions are lost to someone else. You wouldn't want to feel that way either. For instance, if you felt like you were only here for laundry and to make me meals, while I fell in love with someone else. You wouldn't tolerate that at all and you shouldn't.

Heather: Actually, just last week you said something along the lines of me filling that kind of technical role.

Adam: I don't ever remember telling you that that's what your purpose is in my life. I don't see how you would think that. Yes you do laundry, and cook, and take care of the kids. But that's not what you are. That's not who you are to me.

Heather: I don't remember the conversation, something about getting the intimate from an extra and me giving the housewife type support.

Adam: I wouldn't ever say that. I don't know where this came from, that sounds like it would be a sucky arrangement for you, and if I were you I wouldn't tolerate it.

Heather: Probably my sleep deprived over stressed shut down head. :-)

Not tolerate, accepting what you need.

Adam:  I wouldn't have sat through all of those miserable counseling sessions if that's what I hoped to get from you. Those were hard. I would hope that they were growth experiences.

Heather: This was a recent conversation, for all I knew at the time this was the path you were on.

Adam: I've never said I need you to do household stuff. If I've said anything over and over again, it's that I need you to be emotionally close. I need your trust and to keep our love between just the two of us. I've told that to the therapist dozens and dozens of times. I need to not feel judged, and not criticized. I need you to respect me for the good man that I am. I need you to not project all the years of hurt and guilt and shame and abandonment onto me. That's what love is to me, and that's all I've ever needed from you. And to be heard and understood rather than interpreted. Does that make sense? Do you understand what I mean? I want it to feel to you like the things I'm telling you are consistent. They're very simple to me; my emotions go up and down, but the things I want and the things I need are very stable. And taking the car was about saving money and taking the kids out. I like my car. But I like going to the park with the kids more.

Heather:  Consistent is the last thing that has been going on lately. Maybe that's the problem. Like I said, my head is spinning. I am lost and confused. I told the therapist the simple solution is to be a good submissive wife. Your needs get met that way. And now my phone is dead so, I am not ignoring any of your responses, I just can't respond for a bit.

Adam:

Okay. In order for things to feel consistent, I think you'll have to work to listen and hear me rather than rushing to jump to an interpretation of what I mean. There's no way I can compete with the pattern matcher in your head

Okay, while you're picking up kids, I want to re-express what I said verbally so it's clear and so I can be sure you understand. I feel very worried about you leaving me, either physically or emotionally. It's hurt a lot and it's been the most stressful time of my life. And that's compared to every other stressful time I have ever had, which is a lot. I told you that I thought being your primary means that if it comes to a comparison between someone else and I, it's clear that you love me more than the other person. Not just in your words, but in your actions and emotions too. And that if you would leave me for him, that means to me that I am your secondary no matter how you classify it. And a lot of the behavior and thoughts that you think are inconsistent make sense when you see them coming from a person that feels like they're working harder at loving you than he's ever worked at anything, just to lose you in the process, in spite of my very best efforts. Also, I want to reiterate that I don't know how to do all of this. I don't know how to make you feel loved the way you need to feel it. I don't know how to not be a pursuer. I don't know how to stand back and not fix a problem when I see it staring at me. It's completely unnatural to me, so I'm struggling so hard to be what you need and to not be needy myself, but it's like I have to do it in Chinese. I'm going to take a risk now. To be honest, the thing I want more than anything else is for you to leave Gary. I don't like him, I don't trust him, and I think he's a very skilled manipulator. But I can't ask for that because I'll lose you. So I won't ask for it. I feel that I've come up lacking in just about every way in your opinion. That hurts more than I can tell you. More than anything ever has. But I don't know how to change that, or if I even can. And I feel like I can't tell you about it because of a risk of having you think I'm mad at you

Heather:  I can appreciate the fear you are very likely feeling. I can appreciate how every day you must feel like there is another red flag pointing out that I will leave emotionally or physically. I want to be able to tell you what I need but I don't know how to without it coming out wrong. Instead, can I tell you when you are doing things right, even the small right stuff?

Adam: You can always tell me that. Also, don't mistake my strong emotions for anger.

Heather: That's hard to do when you speak louder or more forcefully.

Adam: Maybe it's protective instinct. It's a strong feeling, but it's not that you're bad or a bad person. It's daddy bear. And I'm not an angry person. Even if I sometimes raise my voice, you know I'm not abusive to you and I never have been.

Heather: That doesn't mean you don't get angry. It feels like you have been angry for about a month now.I think we are both feeding off each other's fears and anxiety and it continues a cycle of misunderstandings.

Let's focus some attention on a good thing. As my primary, I tell you my good news first. For example, I got brave and sent my professor three papers to review for the symposium. It took a lot of courage but I did it and it felt great!

Adam: Good! I'm glad you finally got them out. But before moving on, do you understand my feelings? Or still confused what I mean?

Heather: You feel scared and that I am checking out of the marriage.

Adam: Yes. I want to speak your language. I am frustrated at myself for not being able to communicate.

Heather:  Let's plan for an FHE tonight, Phase 10 and soda and popcorn? And tomorrow night you and I go to trivia night since you don't have class.

Adam:  And that it's not just about me needing something from you. It's about how I can do the things that would make you feel loved. I thought I figured it out with love languages, but then it stopped working

Heather: I think it only works if there are good vibes to go with the acts, gifts, or time.

Adam: I'll work on good vibes. I really do think fondly of you. You've always been very special to me. It's hard to say that sometimes during Defcon Delta, but I do.