Moving Day Mistakes

March 15, 2014

            For the last I don’t know how many months, Adam and I have had a weekend morning date of going out to breakfast.  We usually went to Bar and Adam would get an omelet with a bowl of road-kill chili.  I know how much he liked the tradition so I told him I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt if he continued that tradition with one of the kids.  The kids know that was a sacred date place, whoever he takes would feel pretty darn special, I think. He thinks he’ll take Isaac before the school chess/checkers tournament.  

            Adam asked how I am doing.  I told him I am.  I don’t know that I am anything beyond just being right now.  He said he is not good and misses me.  Neither of us have slept well, I’ve had about five hours since Tuesday, so little over an hour a night.  The cable TV I have available at Mom’s house is not able to distract me.  There are too many channels and nothing to watch.  He said that’s why he never wanted cable. 

            We talked about him needing boxes for the packing today.  He told me he filled the purple room with his things and he hasn’t even taken the kids beds apart or gotten things from the downstairs or garage. 

            I figured while he was out getting boxes I would sneak into the house for a change of clothes and my thyroid meds.  He returned too soon.  He wanted to talk but I didn’t think it was a good idea but I also don’t want to force what I want.  We talked.  He cried pretty hard.  Then he asked for sex.  I said it was a bad idea.  He took me by the hand and gently led me up the stairs.  I was thinking two things and both were not smart or logical.  The first, maybe if I give him everything I have left, if I do things that I am normally not comfortable giving, maybe he won’t leave.  Maybe he will see I can change and not be so limited with sex.  The second thought was that moment could very well be our last time ever being intimate and close.  I wanted to remember a happy moment.  So I willingly agreed.  And it was fine.  We both seemed to appreciate the moment.  He was still leaving though. 

            I left the house and got us each some lunch.  I dropped his off and left.  He asked me to stay and help.  I told him I couldn’t.  He asked why.  I told him it was hard enough to see all of his things in one room, I wasn’t strong enough to help him leave me.  So I left.  I tried texting Adam some of the positive thoughts I had.  I told him it meant a lot to me that he was still willing to share the emotions that make him feel so vulnerable.  I was reminded that I guess I overlook his human side. I guess that is why he is leaving.

            I hung around the area for a bit.  My mind was fixating on how terrible everything is right now.  I couldn’t get it to stop.  After a couple of hours of that I thought of going to Mom’s but she and Bill were gone.  So I went to the only other place I could think of that would give me a shoulder to cry on and a blanket to cover up with come bedtime: Gary’s. 

            By 5pm Adam let me know he was just about done packing.  He took a nap but got most everything packed.  He planned a bonfire with the kids.  I like that he is doing something fun with them to break up the seriousness of the day.  He wanted to know if I was coming back tonight and where I was at.  I told him I would stay gone until he was done. I didn’t want to ruin those good feelings we had for each other before I left around noon.  I told him I know he needs to move out, I understand the logic but that doesn’t do a darn thing for my emotions.  He has said we need space, this is space.  His reply was simple, “So Gary's.” He said it was fine that I was there.  I didn’t believe him.  The fact that he asked if I would be coming home tonight and wanted to know where I was at made me think he wanted me there and finding out I wasn't there was painful.  I asked if he was sure it was fine.  He asked if he had a choice.  Of course he has a choice, that’s why I asked!  He wishes it wasn’t even a topic.  He said no one understands what he is going through and he really doesn’t want Gary passing judgment right now.  Adam says he hates Gary. 

            I let Adam know I had just gotten to Gary’s house.  The only mention of Adam was Gary wanting to know if it was okay for me to be there or if I needed to be in Dayton.  Adam said it’s fine, he said I could date Gary because he knows I would do it anyway.  I let him know that everything I said and did this afternoon was sincere.  He said he was sincere in his hurt. 

He said I don’t need to feel crappy.  He said to stay put and enjoy my weekend.  I called him to hear him tell me.  He said to stay, he meant it.  I was so confused though.  I screwed up yet again.  Gary talked me through and I decided to go back.  I texted Adam that I was coming back.  I needed him to know that I am serious about him being my primary even if he is moving out.  He texted “No, please don’t.  I’m having fun and it is better if you stay. I told you what I wanted and coming back now will just make things more complicated.   Now he is telling me what he wants?  Now he is saying it in plain terms and not making me guess or do trial and error?  Now?  Why couldn’t he do that a year ago?

             I wish Adam could know how long I sat wondering where I could turn for support today.  I wish he could know that I didn’t run to Gary as soon as I left home.  I wish he could know that I honestly feel it was a mistake coming down because it hurt him.  I wish he could have heard the conversation that took place in Gary’s kitchen.  I wish he knew that I nearly turned right around and came back.  I wish he knew that for two hours I struggled with whether or not to go home.  I wish he knew that I stayed up nearly the entire night, even after he told me to stay, questioning if I should stay or go back.  I just wish he knew. 

March 16, 2014

            Adam finished packing up the truck and let me know I can come home.  He wants an estimated time so the kids know when I will be back.  I figured it would take me no more than a few hours. 

            Adam said he regrets it.  I know what he means, he doesn’t need to say it.  He regrets asking to have sex yesterday.  I told him I thought it was a bad idea, he begged and pulled me toward the stairs.  I know it was a bad idea and I should have been firm but he was hurting and one thing I regretted from last year was not knowing when the last time was.  I figured this was a goodbye of sorts, my last chance to let go of all my hurt feelings and to try and relax with him.  That sounds so stupid the next day.

            When I got home, Adam texted me an apology for leaving the house a mess.  He is tired and has at least 15 hours of work to do at his own place.  He didn’t set the kids old beds up but he did bring a couple mattresses down form the attic.  I told him not to worry; he’s not superman.  He offered to come by later if I need him to.  Not necessary, I expected there to be a lot of work for me when I got back.  I would like his help setting the bunk beds up but I understand, he is starting from boxes. 

            He also apologized for being cold.  He feels “weird” around me.  He said it made him mad that I went straight to Gary’s.  Adam feels “used” and it makes him angry.  I did go to Gary’s but not right away.  A few hours passed before I went there.  I just sat around.  I would have gone to Mom’s but she was gone.  So yes, I turned to a person that might be able to support me on a very hard day.  He said it was salt in the wound to him.  He feels emasculated.  I realized that might be the message I sent but by then I was already at Gary’s.  Gary actually poured me a cup of coffee to go because he thought I should go home.  But then Adam had told me to stay where I was.  Adam admits to telling me to stay because he thought it would be fake for me to come back and pretend Gary wasn’t the one I care about.  I told Adam that I at the time I wasn’t thinking beyond my need to be distracted form what was going on.  And it was not a fake offer to come back.  My heart and thoughts were at home all night. 

            Adam believes that the things I do with my instinct show where my heart is at.  He said there is nothing that will convince me and Gary that we are responsible for the family falling apart.  Adam thinks he is bad in my mind because it allows me to not feel bad about my choices.  Then he said he should be telling this to his friend because Adam doesn’t think it means anything to me and I will only get mad.  But I do feel guilty, Adam doesn’t see that.  He said he was expressing his emotions and that always makes me mad.  He thinks my entire family hates him for leaving “Poor Heather.” He said he won’t be the one to tell them that I chose someone else over him. 

            I told him he isn’t making me mad today.  He is just needing control and it is wrong of me to limit his chance to express his feelings and to turn it into something about me.  And my family doesn’t hate him as far as I know.  He said they will once I explain things to them.  He doesn’t think I will take responsibility.  “It’s easier to make me look like a creep than to admit you might be a shitty person.” I said they are all sad for us and that I explained we tried what we could to keep the marriage intact.  I am hearing the message that he is sending, I made bad choices and now I regret them.  The moment I hesitated I lost. 

            Adam said he cannot even think about another person right now.  One of his “open marriage friends” came and helped him move and he thinks it was awkward for her.  He told her to wait for a few months before they get together again.  Our youngest daughter had already told me Adam had his friend over.  I see, him turning to one of those kinds of friends was okay but me doing it was not okay.  I told him to do what he needs.  He said he didn’t tell our children anything, just his brother.  Well, she heard it from someone.  Adam claims he only talked to his brother at the brewpub.  Okay, she just picked up stuff then.  Adam said he is saving his “bitching” for when he is at his house.  I told him one of the children asked me about the guy I left daddy for and was going to marry.  Another said she heard Adam saying the same thing.  Adam said they were at the firepit.  It doesn’t matter.  The kids are confused and are hearing snippets making it even more confusing.  One of the little ones acted like she was in trouble when she was telling me what she heard.  I told her she can ask me anything.  I’m not angry, only cold because Adam took all the bed linens from our bed and the pillows, but not angry.  He said to talk to Paisley, he doesn’t know what my decision process was and he doesn’t want to guess. 

            Adam said I told him he could take the blankets form the bed.  I told him he could take the bed and the linens.  He said he can’t sleep on that bed.  I asked that he realize why I cannot keep it and fix myself.  There was a reason I offered to let him take it.  He said, No.  I asked, “No what?  You don’t understand?”  He said no, he isn’t taking it.  Okay, I will toss it, that’s an easy solution.  He said “You slept in it easy enough before I left.  I’m not leaving you for another woman.”  No, Adam, but I was violated in that bed.  I haven’t slept fine in a long time.  He said, “You only started singing this tune when you found a white knight to rescue you. You want so bad for this to be about you.”  I started singing this tune back in December, in counseling, over a month before meeting Gary.  I know it isn’t only about me.  We each have a lot of pain.  That’s why I have made a conscience decision to not be angry with Adam.  He said, “But you didn’t start hating me until you had a soft place to land.”  I don’t hate him.  Recognizing what happened to me is how I get over it and don’t hold on to my shame about it.  He said not with my words but with my actions I hate his “fucking guts.”  And that is on me and is where I screwed up.  I should have handled my actions better.  Adam said he admitted his role in this and he said he was sorry and meant it, he still does.  Okay, so now is when I get over myself and forget it all?  He said he wishes I could always have empathy for him, the kind I started to show yesterday.  I wish he knew that it was my concern for his feelings and his need to not be a “bad guy” that has kept me from facing the rape.  Even just typing the word is hard.  It is my responsibility to let go of the shame surrounding it and I wish I could get him to understand that is my point in bringing it up.  I am not out to punish him.  I simply want to heal.