And there it is

March 12, 2014

            I got home just before 5am so Adam would be able to leave for the airport.  He was ready to leave and even had the children up and dressed.  Where he thought they would be going I have no idea.  As he went to leave, he turned and looked at me and said, “You disgust me.  You are selfish and you disgust me.”  When I went upstairs I found all my things packed. 

            Adam says he loves me.  He isn’t sure if he loves me more than he hates me.  He doesn’t love me more than he resents me.  He doesn’t know if he loves me more than he regrets me.  Those are very hard things to know.  He thinks I would be happier if I left him.  He hates it but he thinks we shouldn’t have gotten back together in August.  He said I will never be able to love him and be loved by him like I need.  I don’t like that he assumes to know what I can and cannot do.  He said if he hasn’t been what I needed for years then he won’t be what I need in the future.  He said I can go find happiness but asked that I don’t ruin his life or take his children.  I don’t like that he even thinks I would do either of those. 

            I told him I do love him and whether this is the end or not doesn’t change.  I don’t want to ruin his life.  I want him to be happy with the decision we make.  I know it was hard for Adam to be away from the kids last year and I don’t want him to go through that again.  I also don’t want them taken from me, so I can empathize with Adam needing to have them around.  But, the kids need stability above anything Adam or I need.  I’m sorry Adam thinks I can never love him the way he needs.  I wish I could figure out how he needs it.  I wish he could tell me instead of just saying, “I will know it when it happens.” 

            I am willing to work on this marriage as long as Adam is willing to work on things.  I agree, we probably made a mistake trying to jump back into the relationship when he left last year.  We should have taken the time and space to clear our heads and really understand what we each needed, wanted, and could give.  But Adam is done.  He doesn’t have the “energy.” He said I already left him emotionally.  He said we should work together to make the kids’ lives good but our marriage is over.  He said he doesn’t want it to end but we aren’t happy and won’t be happy.  He is only talking about himself.  I was happy, in January. 

            I told Adam whatever steps we make need to be well thought out and done slowly.  He said he can’t remain.  He can’t be my secondary.  He said he would leave if I lied and if he didn’t feel a turning point in trust.  But I did lie and he doesn’t feel the trust.  He lied too.  He promised when we opened the marriage that I could be the one to have milestones first, but he had sex first.  He told me he would only drink one drink that night because he was driving and he would be home that night.  But he got drunk and didn’t come home until morning.  He told me they “fooled around.” Later, I found the condoms in his pocket and had to ask him if they had sex.  He didn’t come right out with that information.  Then there was him letting a lady giving him oral sex without a condom, STIs are spread that way too.  He didn’t see that as a problem.  But I can’t say any of that to him because he will say I am just trying to make myself look better.  He will say I can frame it how I want but I still did the greater damage.  He won’t take any of the blame. 

            Adam said it’s been too hard for him since I met Gary.  He feels he failed to be what I needed.  I told him he really had me worried and frightened yesterday.  I can’t handle him when he is like that.  He said he felt cornered yesterday and reverted to doing everything to not let me go, he said it was controlling. 

            I feel like there is something else we can and should do before divorcing.  He said counseling was the final step but he doesn’t trust that process.  He said he wants us to work together this time and doesn’t want me to go behind his back and file for divorce.  I just feel like anything and everything I say or do is misinterpreted and Adam flies off the handle.  I don’t understand why he doesn’t trust counseling. 

            Adam doesn’t want to try and fix the relationship anymore.  He said I don’t have to fix the way he feels and he doesn’t have to figure out how to make me feel one thing or another.  He’s right, that’s what I have been saying in and out of counseling.  We are each in charge of our feelings.  That doesn’t mean we can’t work on our marriage.  Adam feels counseling was one long path to paint him as an abuser.  He said the other day when he commented that he has never been physically abusive I stayed silent.  No, I said he has never been physically violent and I didn’t think he ever would be.  He said the only way we have made progress in counseling was for him to agree he was a bad person.  I don’t think him agreeing he has problems is the same as saying he is a bad person.  And, if progress was made when he admitted to those problems, doesn’t that mean something?  Haven’t I also agreed to my own problems and made changes?  Isn’t that what counseling is about?  Making changes for the better?

            Adam is upset that I called him emotionally and verbally abusive.  And he is upset that I called him a sociopath.  Well, according to the list he read to me, in an effort to make Gary out as a sociopath, it really described Adam.  I was being honest, just like Adam asked me to be.  He is also upset that I told my previous lawyer about "the incident."  He thinks I held it over him.  But I never told the lawyer that story.  I only met with her the one time, for the initial consultation. 

            Adam said he is calm today and won’t freak me or anyone else out like he did last night.  But he said he is also firm; we can’t fix our marriage. 

            He is telling me the docket states that he raped me.  I don’t recall telling her that story.  I looked up the docket, I don’t see what Adam is seeing. 

            Adam wants the house we currently live in but understands that I have the children and need this house.  Plus, neither of us want to move the children, this is where they have school and activities.  I said we need to talk about these kinds of details in person.  He said he cannot live in the same house as me.  It’s too hard.  And he won’t talk to me in person.  He said I stormed off yesterday and there is too much emotion.  I told him I stormed off because I felt attacked and it wasn’t a healthy situation.  I want to talk about things calmly and if he can do that so can I.  He said we can be calm by texting.  He is done blaming and name calling. He says he shouldn’t have done either in the first place.  Okay, then I am done storming off. 

            Then Adam asked if I want him to move out.  I don’t want either of us to move out right now.  I want to go slow.  That’s when Adam said Gary probably isn’t a real sociopath, just the guy that stole his love.  I wish I could get Adam to understand that isn't the case.  I feel like I could win Adam back if he could know my thoughts.  He said no more winning back, it’s too hard.  He said we both deserve better.  I deserve to not feel attacked and controlled.  He deserves to not feel crazy and confused.  I think we can get what we deserve by bettering ourselves and healing the marriage.  He said he has taken a stand. He can’t be married to me and if that means he is leaving me then so be it.  I asked that he just step back from the marriage.  That’s what I want.  He asked what I want and that’s it.  He said it isn’t what I want.  He said if that were the case I wouldn’t have had to think about closing the marriage.  Fine, it’s not what I want it’s what I need.  I need him to not give up.  He wants a partner that wouldn’t question closing the marriage.  He can’t go back.  I pointed out that I didn’t question it the entire time even though I said I didn’t even want to open the marriage. 

            Adam said he isn’t punishing me.  He just needs to feel trust and love and commitment and honesty.  He said maybe in the future we can date but right now the wounds are too fresh.  Building a new relationship was what we tried in August and then again in January.  I told him we did it wrong in August, I rushed things.  I should have listened to him and let him take his time when he asked.  He said he feels peace when we aren’t together.  He feels anxious and confused and closed off when we are together.  He said this weekend was a gift to me as much as it was to him.  I figured as much when he told me to stay gone.  He said the kids are his life and he is a worse parent when we are together.  He said he was sad when we separated but has been depressed ever since we got back together.  He said all the options suck and everyone loses.  He made his decision last night at 3am. 

            Adam asked that I stop talking to Gary about him.  He said Gary knows nothing about him.  I replied fine but I also want him to stop contacting Gary's ex.  It makes her uncomfortable.  Plus, it is unfair to me and Gary.  Adam said he will and he doesn’t like her, he was just trying to prove a stupid point to me.  I reminded him things get twisted when they go that route and there is no way to prove or disprove.  I never said I was leaving Adam for Gary and that I was moving in with Gary.  Yet, because she told Adam those things they were automatically true in his mind.  Adam said he never claimed she told him that.  Ah, but she says he did.  Adam said he only told her that I thought Gary and I had a future.  But I never said that either.  Adam said I have my relationship with Gary but our marriage is closed based on the rules we both agreed upon.  I guess the marriage is also over for the same reason.  He said if I continue to date Gary it will be cheating and he ask that I wait to continue the relationship until the marriage is over. 

            I am lucky.  Gary has already said he will wait as long as I need him to wait.  If I ask for a month he will be silent for a month.  If I come back only to say Adam and I are working things out then he will slip away.  He is willing to give me the space I need.  Adam said Gary is good at that and he isn’t.  I just said Gary is patient.  Adam said he is out of patience.  The pain in his heart finally outweighed the commitment he felt toward me.  He said one of us needs to move out tonight.  I asked that it not be tonight, it’s too fast.  I can move into one of the kid’s rooms.  Plus, that gives us time to set up the other house and work out a routine and schedule.  He said it’s like when we left the church; he knows the answer and wants to take action now.  There is no reason to take it slow in his mind.  He said when we started counseling the therapist said the purpose was to remove all doubt.  Well, Adam feels he has no doubt in his decision.  He said yesterday was his last striving and it freaked everyone out.  He’s done trying to save something that is unsaveable.  He said he doesn’t blame me and understands I have been conflicted. 

            I said I do enjoy him.  He said I only want the positives.  I said that isn’t true.  I chose to focus on the positives but I don’t ignore the rest.  He said the cease fire agreement was horrible for him. It was good because he didn’t feel criticized but he can’t focus until the important things are taken care of.  And that is why he cannot just sit around and wait. 

            Adam would like to live in in this neighborhood instead of where the other house is located.  All the more reason to take things slow.  It’s just about moving season, we can put the other house on the market and when it sells Adam can purchase another home in here.  I also asked about the option he brought up before, the kids always live in the house but Adam and I move between homes.  He said there isn’t enough trust to do that.  He just doesn’t trust me.  I suggested we finish the apartment above the garage.  He said it would be too costly and he doesn’t think it would be safe.  He said it would be over $15K to finish it. He said he can live in the other house while it is on the market because he is tidy.  I really wish he wouldn’t jump to moving out right now.  But he feels he has to. 

            I suggested we downgrade the van.  I won’t need room for nine, just eight, and we would save on gas.  He said the van is fine for now.  He said we cannot afford the extra cost.  I figure we could sell it for enough to purchase a used mini van outright. 

            He is wanting a noncombative dissolution.  He says it will save time, money, and heartache.  Wow, he’s really thought this through. He said a dissolution is good for parents that are willing to hammer out the points together.   I said that’s how a divorce works because there is mediation before the court gets too involved.  He said divorce is a legal fight and if I file he will be in fight mode.  He recommends I don’t do that.  He promises to not file on me.  I said I am not jumping to the lawyer.  He said I told him that last time.  He said he doesn’t know what I will do.  He said he is just telling me that if I do he will fight for everything and it will be a very bad experience for both of us.  I told him I went to the lawyer last time because he said I should.  Then I followed the lawyer’s advice.  I don’t need a consult this time because I already know what the advice will be.  Adam said whatever my motivations were the actions were the same.  Divorce, he said, is a combat option.  Dissolution, he said, is us cooperating.  I reminded Adam that last July I didn’t even want a divorce, I wasn’t out to be malicious.  Adam said he will be fair.  He still loves me and he loves the kids. 

            Adam said he is in no hurry to remarry.  I asked why we cannot do a legal separation.  He didn’t know what the difference was.  I told him it makes me seem like a gold digger, but a legal separation means I get to stay on his medical insurance.  It doesn’t cost him anything extra to have me on it since he has the family plan.  He said he will consider it.  But he is concerned it also means agreeing to things he doen’t actually agree with.  I said, at the least, can he wait to take me off the insurance until I have a job with medical.  He can see my reasoning. I don’t want the kids living in poverty when they are with me. I don’t want a job without benefits, my health issues mean I need medical coverage.  It might take some time especially with me not having a college degree yet.  Adam said I will have plenty of money.  He said I will get spousal support for five years and the kids will get child support.  He figures he will be the one struggling if he doesn’t downsize his home.  I really don’t want more than I need.  I don’t want him resenting me because he feels I am taking all his money.  He said that’s why we hammer things out but with a lawyer.  I said we can just use the papers the lawyer drew up last year.  He thinks he shredded those papers.  I said those papers had the minimum he would be required to pay based on his income.  He said he was anxious to make it all go away because he didn’t want me to use counseling as an information gathering tool for me to divorce him.  I said I was busy trying to save my marriage when we were in the counseling room, not on a mission to gather information.