The Firsts

A quick explanation of what to expect on here.  I kept a journal of the texts and emails between Adam and I while doing the open marriage thing and when we separated.  They are written in a narrative because I wanted to get my thoughts out instead of keeping them bottled up inside.  Adam wasn't open to discussing these things during the last weeks of marriage without feeling attacked so I was left to handle my feelings without him.  Adam was very ready to express his displeasure and to place blame.  As soon as I started standing up for myself, his anger made itself a permanent presence.  

This is my perception of events.  I recognize it is tainted with my life experiences.  Adam has his own perception and is allowed to share it.  After a year, I am tired of keeping my story to myself.  After a year, I am tired of his perception being the only truth.  I am tired of him threatening me and putting all the blame on me.  If he never accepts his part, fine.  I can and have accepted my part in a failed marriage.  Now I am learning to accept his.

January 28, 2014

I’ve been chatting with Gary through text for a few days now.  He’s easy to be open with, very accepting.  I’m hesitant to share everything with him but the point of this experience is to be 100% me with the person I choose.  I think he’ll be the guy.

February 1, 2014

Adam and I were out running errands.  It was supposed to be our usual weekend “date.”  He ignored me the majority of the time.  He was busy texting somebody that suddenly came available for a date tonight.  I asked him to put his phone down but he got a little angry.  He said I should be understanding because he had a lady interested in him.  If this open marriage thing is going to work we both need to be able to hear that we are doing something that is upsetting to our spouse.  We need to be willing to stop.  He is struggling with that.

We had to rush home so Adam could get ready for his date.  He said the plan was for him to drive to her home town and pick the person up.  They would then go to dinner.  He said he would be driving and promised to only have one drink.  He didn’t give me a definite time that he would be home.  He just said it would be late. 

I am having a couple of problems.  The first problem is Adam is breaking a rule, a rule we both agreed on.  We said that I would do all of the “milestones” associated with opening the marriage but here he is going out on a date first.  The reason the rule was in place was because I was the one hesitant to open the marriage.  I didn’t know how I would feel and figured if I went first I would know what Adam was going through emotionally while he was at home.  Instead, I am at home wondering what the heck is going on. 

The second problem is Adam ignoring another rule: keep in contact.  He messaged me only a couple times.  I have no idea if the person he met up with killed him on site!  I can’t sleep because I am wondering if he is okay.

February 2, 2014

I finally got a text from Adam at 3:12am He is hanging out and talking.  His phone is about to die which means he won’t be able to contact me and I won’t be able to contact him.  I guess I will continue worrying.

Adam texted again at 7:30am.  He’s sober and coming home now.  I am irate!  He promised he would only drink one drink!  Why did he have to wait until morning to be sober from one drink?!  The answer is simple, they got drunk at dinner and walked to her house.  They commenced drinking more. 

He got home around 8am.  I finally went to bed and he tried to make amends by cleaning up downstairs. When he first got home, I asked how things went.  He said it went well and they fooled around a bit.  He left his jacket in our bedroom and curiosity got the better of me.  I looked in his pocket and found a box of condoms.  It was open.  When he came back upstairs I asked what they did.  He said, “Fooled around.”  I let it go for a couple hours.  Then I asked why he needed condoms if all they did was fool around.  He said he figured I knew that fooling around meant having sex.  Um, no, sex means sex.  He said he was never able to get fully erect and it was embarrassing.  There goes another rule: tell the truth.