Decision made

March 14, 2014

            Adam started moving things.  He took his books but left the open marriage/polyamory books he bought.  I asked if that was a hint to me.  He said he just doesn’t want them, it’s upsetting.  You would think with how much he researched and studied up on open marriages he would have known the troubles that would be ahead.  You would think he would have read about ways to make it through.  You would think but he didn’t.  I knew what would happen.  I even warned him.  But he didn’t listen.  Now I am paying the price. 

            He mentioned seeing the van at Starbucks.  It was obvious he had seen it because he has been silent.  I’ll be honest; I still don’t know what to do.  Last night, when I met with Gary at Starbucks, I didn’t know what I was doing but I did know I owed it to the guy to see him in person.  He took a gamble starting a relationship with me and if my current reaction is to break things off I am not doing it over text or email.  Then I have the thought in the back of my head, “How will Adam see this action?  Is he going to be even more offended?  Have I killed any chance I might have had to save the marriage?  Is there a marriage to save?  Can I continue the back and forth and ups and downs that Adam has thrown at me these last couple months?  I can’t.  I know it.  I know him leaving is best.  It hurts, the way the marriage is ending hurts.  I can’t go back in time. 

            All day I worried that Adam seeing me at Starbucks would mean he would file for divorce.  As much as I know the marriage is over I would like to take this step slowly.  I want us to do this in a way that doesn’t rip either of us apart emotionally.  I would like to get us both financially set up.  I am afraid he will continue to allow his emotions to make the decisions. 

            He said he won’t file.  He says he also gave me permission to continue dating Gary because he figures I would anyway and he is trying to not let me put myself in a bad situation.  It’s funny, while I am trying to protect him he is trying to take control away from me, still.

            He says he is okay.  He says the more space and separation he gets the more okay he feels.  He is glad to have his own place again.  He is sad that we won’t work out and that I can’t trust him or trust him with the truth most of the time.  He is anxious about moving and breaking stuff. 

            I asked if he would like me to gather some hygiene stuff from the basement storage since he doesn’t have any of that.  I also asked that he understand where my mistrust comes from.  He will think things over and over for days.  Then, when for all I know the situation is done, will use my words against me.  I said it is like our last tenants.  They would give me a rent check and I would deposit it.  Everything would seem fine but a week later I would see an NSF fee in our checking account and the check amount deducted.  That’s how it is with Adam and my words.  At first he accepts them and understands but then a week later he comes at me angry or upset over something I said but he has thought it over long enough that he has made a new meaning.  He just said, “Truth is truth.  I hold it dear.” 

            I feel like right now, we don’t work.  Obviously.  But that doesn’t mean it is permanent.  He disagrees.  He said it wasn’t a snap decision but one that was made when we started counseling.  Nice, so while I have been building up hope and working to save the marriage, he knew all along that is was over?  Is that why it is over, because he gave up?  It feels like his truth is temporary.  He just told me he loved me and would do anything to save the marriage.  But now his truth is that we ended months ago.  He said I knew him moving back in was conditional.  He said if things were less trusting, less open, and if he felt sure he would never get the emotional love he wanted, then he would move out again.  He said me thinking his truth is temporary is because I don’t honor truth the same way he does.  I honor not hurting people.  I honor not making a spouse earn love.  I honor compassion. 

            I told Adam he changes.  He said he changes moods.  He said sometimes the things I say to him don’t make him feel bad but then later he realizes they do.  I feel like that is like playing telephone but with only one person, over days!  How is it fair to me that he gets angry days later and doesn’t tell me because he can’t remember exactly what was said just the message.  He doesn’t hear me when I ask that. 

            Then he jumped the subject to “I’m having a hard time with when I lost you emotionally to Gary.  It’s not just this week; it was over a month ago.  And it feels like you (maybe not knowingly) used your relationship to punish me.  The things that made me jealous were things you knew would make me jealous.  And rules.  And honesty and all of the things I told you would hurt…I’m still not blaming or judging.”   I don’t get it.  How was I punishing him or doing something to make him jealous on purpose.  He said he wanted to open the marriage to give me the opportunity to learn to be emotionally open with a man.  He said he hoped that if I could learn to be that way in a new relationship that I could turn around and be that way with him.  That’s what I was doing with Gary.  I was being very open and honest and learning that I wouldn’t be rejected for sharing such intimate feelings and thoughts.  I was doing what Adam wanted me to do!

            I apologized for lying.  I told him I did it because I was afraid of his reaction.  I know that isn’t right and I know that was the worst mistake I could have made.  He said that I need to understand that me not trusting his reactions and feeling the need to lie is a big problem.  The fact that I cannot trust him is a problem and makes this not fixable.  Again, I disagree.  I think trust can be rebuilt.  I told him that’s why I am worried about his future behaviors.  He sees things as “always or never” there is no middle ground in his world. 

            He said he is willing to repair our friendship because I am the mother of his children and he still cares about me.  He said the trust can be rebuilt with honesty. Then he said to ask Jessica what he plans to do because he told her.  I promised to never put Jessica in that kind of position.  Why can’t he just tell me? 

            Then Adam said, he grew up not being able to trust anyone.  His parents and brothers all lied when it suited them.  His mom still does it and he barely speaks to her.  He trusted his first girlfriend and she “was screwing guys” behind his back and lying to Adam about it.  Then three more girlfriends  did the same.  He said he put all his trust in me and it was hard to do.  He said I didn’t cheat on him but I lied to him when we would fight.  I would pretend I felt one way when it was really just advantageous. 

            I don’t think he ever put his trust in me.  That’s why he always assumed my reasoning for not wanting sex was something other than what I said.  It was never me not being in the mood.  He thought it was me not being attracted to him.  Or he would say I didn’t love him.  Then I would feel guilty because I didn’t want him getting either of those messages because I did love him and I did find him attractive.  He said maybe that is all true but that I told him I did withhold sex as a punishment and because I resented him.  Yes, I withheld sex when I was angry.  But who has sex when they are upset with a person?  Wouldn’t that be a lie to be intimate at a time like that? 

            That discussion was going nowhere so he changed the subject.  He said we will be getting a divorce.  We will “attempt to do it through a mutually agreed upon dissolution.  I feel like we will be getting into an argument and suggested some radio silence.  I need it. He said we could wait.  He is upset.  Really?  You just ended your marriage and you are as mellow as can be? 

            I mentioned that I still don’t believe he won’t file for divorce.  He said I don’t believe him because it’s what I would do, file, behind his back.  I said he still doesn’t believe me as to why I filed last year.  I did it to protect my ability to care for the children.  I did it to put that freeze on financial accounts so I would have access to the money so I could pay bills and buy food.  I said, right now, I am going off the fact that he has already made things difficult for me.  I have been the one fielding questions from the kids.   I am the one already blocked from paying bills.  He said he only took away access to his personal account.  He said I shouldn’t have been using it anyway.  “I can’t see your personal account.  I could say you blocked access to that. You had to field questions from the kids but you should have just told them what was going on.  From the start.  It’s more kind to them.  Expect what you want form me.  I’ve told you my intentions.“

            I responded that I can see the checking account but cannot access the bill pay portion.  I only ever checked his personal account when there was a breach of info from some other company and a huge amount of money went missing.  USAA was the one that didn’t link my personal account like they did his.  I didn’t block anything.  And I didn’t tell the kids anything the first day because Adam and I hadn’t talked about things very well.  And honestly, it feels like that is something we should talk to the kids about together.  It shouldn’t be left to one parent. 

            He said to set up the bills in my own account and he would transfer me money.  He’ll pay the bills associated with the King Bird house but the bills will be in his name.  Great, except the bill pay info is on the bill pay site that I no longer have access to.  He said to look it all up in the filing cabinet.  How nice.  I am the one that already set it all up because I have been doing the bills for 14 years and now I have to go dig through the paper work to set it up again?  He then repeated, “You can’t have access to my personal account anymore."  I don’t want access to his personal account!  I just want to know that I will have access to money to pay the bills!  I asked if he could at least send me a list of the bills he’ll expect me to pay.  And I asked if he paid the bills for the month that he said he was going to pay a couple weeks ago.  He never responded.

            Later in the day I asked what time he expects to come over to pack.  He doesn’t know  but will tell me when he does. 

            He also doesn’t think an informal separation will work.  He said the trust isn’t there for it to work.  He thinks I will go out and take out a bunch of credit.  He said he could do the same to me.  I told him I would sign papers stating I won’t take out any credit.  I’m not stupid; it isn’t to my benefit to play games like that.  He said it isn’t a game but would be a punishment.  He said I have a history of doing that.  I said punishing at a time like this just hurts the entire family.  I pointed out that last time he left I didn’t take out any credit and I only spent money on the bare essentials.  He said he feels like if he doesn’t choose the things I want then I will always be mad and make things hard.  He thinks I am doing it right now because he won’t agree to a trial separation.  How am I punishing him?  It doesn’t matter, I could hate him as a husband and lover but as the father of my children I cannot.  I have to be willing to work with that person 

            I also said I am not suggesting a trial separation.  He said I am asking for a separation that is predicated on him trusting me.  We both need to trust and I am willing to do that.  He said that I commented that respect needs to be earned; he said trust is the same.  He feels I have broken his trust over and over and over again and keep doing so.  I said I am not doing so right now.  Right now he is choosing to not trust me.  I trusted that he wouldn’t file today.  I worried but I trusted.  Everyone has been telling me to lawyer up but I didn’t because I trusted that I wouldn’t need to.  I trusted that we would do this together. 

            Adam said for him to trust me means him controlling the outcome.  He doesn’t want to be controlling, he’d rather be friends.  How does him trusting me equal him being in control?  That doesn’t make sense.  There’s no need to trust in that case. 

            I can tell we are not going to be able to productively communicate.  I said he needs to just text me when he plans to be at the house and when he leaves.  When he wants the kids and when they will be back.  I said the rest could wait until emotions have cooled.  Then he said, “I wish you would not try to persuade me back.”  Um, what?!  He said last night I said I wanted to not rush things because I wanted to work on a relationship and that makes him uncomfortable.  I mentioned that he made it clear that wouldn't happen.  I apologized for speaking my mind and making him uncomfortable.  I was obviously wrong to hold out hope.  He said he was wrong to hold out hope too.  But didn’t he say he made his decision months ago?

            He asked how we should tell people about the divorce.  He said he felt isolated last time because people found out through the grapevine and were afraid to talk to him.  I suggested a Facebook post.  I was joking but that doesn’t come through text very well.  He liked the idea though so…okay.  He also said he would be hiding me on his Facebook but keeping me as a “friend” because he wants to see the pictures I post of the kids.  He just doesn’t want to see the details of my life.  He then suggested I do the same, that way something he says here or there won’t hurt me inadvertently.  “Space.” 

            I already deleted him.  Actually I blocked him.  He said that sucks because most of what I post is kid stuff “But I am sure you’ll want to post Gary stuff in the future and I want you to be able to do that without me feeling like I need to punch through a wall.”  I said I haven’t felt the need to post about Gary and he shouldn’t assume.  He said he hasn’t assumed anything but is giving me space.  I said I have some decency and wouldn’t rub those things in his face.  He said it’s still on his mind.  He didn’t want to block me or anything without telling me because he figured it would make me angry.  Oddly, he will keep my family because “Someone has to talk to them.”  And he “likes them.” 

            Then he wanted to know what I was going to post on Facebook because he thinks we should post the same thing.  He suggested “Dear everyone, just so you know what's going on, Heather and I are splitting up. We love you all, and we both need your friendship.” I had already posted without the cheesiness.  He asked if I had gotten a lot of comments.  I had. 

            He said it was nice talking.  He aid he would come by between 7 and 9.  He would let me know first.  I said I was headed out so he could come whenever.  I can stay at mom’s.  The kids miss him and want to help him pack.  I let him know the bed linens were clean so he could sleep in the bed. I also said he could have the couch since he picked it out.  He declined because it is “ugly.”  I also said he could have everything in the dancing room.  He said he was getting a used couch.  I jokingly said, “I thought you said you could have ugly furniture?” he said not that ugly.  Plus, “You still have Ruby, so he’ll destroy anything nice you get anyway.” 

            I did ask that he leave the hammer drill since we purchased it for these walls.  He said he would leave me enough to maintain the house so I don’t have to buy new stuff.  I added that he could take the piano from upstairs and the shelves from the garage.   He plans to take his dresser and nightstand and lamp.  I pointed out the nightstands are a set and he need to take both.  He is also taking the kids IKEA beds.  I asked if he could at least set up the old bunk beds and he said he would do his best because it’ll take him all night as it is.  I mentioned that I bought the entire bedroom set as an anniversary gift to him, he should take the whole set.  He said I wouldn’t be able to get anything new because we are very in debt.  I would keep the wardrobe and would just need a bed, the same thing he would need to buy.  He said he would just get his from Goodwill and I have fancier tastes.  I said he couldn’t get a mattress from Goodwill.  He said yes he could.  I asked about bed bugs.  He said they spray it all and delouse them.  He is okay with gross.   

            He doesn’t know how he will make the budgets work.  I said the same way we made it work last July.  Or like we made it work when our tenants weren’t paying anything.  He asked how much the utilities were over the summer for the other house.  I’m not totally certain about the numbers but it would be easy to figure out. 

            He then asked if there is filing stuff I don’t want him to take.  He said he would leave the school records; he just needs bills, his personal writings, and journals.  He said anything dealing with insurance or that I will be in charge of paying, he will leave.  He also said that stuff he’ll be managing he’ll take, stuff that we’ll both need, like taxes, he’ll leave.   He said if it might be contentious, he’ll ask.  I said I would take out what I want to keep and he can just wheel out the entire filing cabinet.  I also offered some baking stuff.  I added that there was food for him to eat when he came. 

            He says my grandma is worried and he doesn’t know what to say to her. 

            Mom and I visited IKEA.  I priced mattresses.  I priced the kind of desk Adam wanted.  I’m trying to be helpful.