Ultimatum #1

March 11, 2014

            Adam brought me some coffee.  It was altered just enough to make it good!  Adam was worried that we left off with some tempers.  I don’t like arguing, I would rather discuss things calmly.  He was trying to talk to me while I was doing my volunteer time at the elementary school.  He said we can meet for lunch later to talk.  He is anxious to see me and clear the air. 

            Lunch went okay.  It felt like Adam was desperate.  He said he would give me time.  He aid he loves me and will do anything I need.  I’m not asking him to wait long, I just need a second to breathe and the chance to talk with the therapist.  

            Adam and I went to trivia at The Pub.  There was already a big group of people that we know so we joined them.  At one point Adam and D started talking so I turned my attention to L.  One of the new neighbors, I think his name is M, started talking to me.  Adam ran home to check on the kids and changed out of his work clothes.  He seemed mad when he got back.  He sat but didn’t seem to participate much.  When trivia ended and we left he didn’t walk out with me so much as he walked out with me trailing behind.  When we got outside I found out the problem.  He thinks I am not taking things seriously.  He said I turned my back on him and ignored him the entire night.  I pointed out that I turned away when he started talking to someone else.  I was being social and friendly.  He said he feels like he is the only one taking the marriage ending seriously.  He brought up things Gary's ex-wife has said.  I said that isn’t fair, I don’t have access to her and don’t know exactly what she is saying.  If I could talk to her, hear what she is saying, know where she got the information, that would be different.  The entire walk home was uncomfortable and basically felt like Adam lecturing me. 

            When we got home, Adam disappeared into our room.  I took care of kids.  When I went into the room he was laying in bed wrapping up a phone call.  He had called Gary's ex-wife and was pleading with her to tell him if she knew what Gary and I were thinking.  What I want to know is what Adam is thinking calling her?!  He hung up and then told me to just hear him out.  He commenced reading a list of characteristics that describe a sociopath.  He said that’s Gary.  I bit back and yelled, “No, that’s you!”  The moment was way too heated.  Now, Adam has never hit me and he has never threatened physical harm.  What physical issues we have had all surrounded sex.  But at that moment, Adam was acting so erratic and out of control and I knew I needed to leave.  I couldn’t trust that he would stay in physical control of himself.  The children were asleep. They were safe.  I needed to leave so I did, quickly.  I went to Mom’s home.

            I wasn’t gone long before Adam started texting.  “Heather, the kids said you left. I'm not a sociopath. I care about you and I want you to not make rash decisions. I want to preserve our life together. I don't want Gary to come in and ruin it. His ex called me back and told me Gary will never make a life with you, no matter how much you want it.” 

            I don’t know if Adam is a sociopath or not but he is out of control.  Gary isn’t ruining anything, Adam insisting on controlling me and my thoughts and my feelings is ruining things.  I never claimed that Gary and I would make a life together.  Adam is jumping to conclusions left and right.

“You can hate me all you want, but if you want to see him again, you need to file for divorce. I don't want that. It's the last thing on earth that I want, but our marriage is closed.”

            Adam promised, he promised, he would never ask me to walk away from Gary because he could see that Gary made me happy and was good for me.  Adam closed the marriage after telling me I could have this.  Just this afternoon he said he would let me have time to decide.  Now he is telling me the decision is made and it was made by him. 

“I love you and I'm sorry you feel that I'm controlling or that I'm the sociopath. You might never change your mind about that. I don't care. I want you here with me and not with someone else. That's crazy I guess. I care about our marriage and I will do absolutely anything I have to in order to save it.”

            If he wants me so bad why did he ever suggest opening the marriage?  Why did he ignore me when I said it was a bad idea?  He says he will do anything to save the marriage except that apparently doesn’t include waiting a little bit so I can think and talk to our therapist. 

            He wants me home.  I let him know I am safe.  That’s all he gets right now. 

Adam said he is leaving at 5am for the airport.  I’ll just make sure to be home by then.  He can say I am safe at home but I don’t feel it.  I feel threatened.  He said I can move out while he is gone but the kids stay at the house. 

“God dammit I don't want to lose you. I know I'm doing all the wrong things. And I can't help it. I feel you slipping through my hands.  I'm panicking. Please don't leave me. I may never be as good as Gary at saying what you need to hear or being supportive or being good in bed. But I'm a good person and I've treated you good for years and years. If you ever needed anything you got it. If you told me you wanted something, I'd get it for you. I went out in blizzard weather to get you ice cream. I fought through OTS and BCOT and Afghanistan and AFIT because I knew you relied on me finishing and advancing my career. I did my homework in the middle of the night so we could have time together with the kids. I could barely keep my eyes open each day but I knew it was important. I let you stay at home instead of having you go to work. You got to spend the best years of our kids' lives at home with them because I sacrificed and worked hard for you. I tried to give you love in the best way I knew how. You didn't go one day without hearing me tell you I love you. And that I think you're beautiful. It's what I thought you needed. I told you each day how much I appreciated the things you did for me like cooking dinner and laundry. And I taught the kids to tell you that too. And to respect you. When we disagreed, I let your ruling stand so the kids would know that mommy's word was important. I stood up for you in fights with neighbors and I've supported and encouraged you every step of the way through your education. So yes, I'm upset that all that doesn't mean anything to you. I need to give you space for you to think through your thoughts, but I don't know how to not pursue. I'm learning. I didn't pursue you and you became distant before. You didn't call me controlling or manipulative until Gary came along and then I was a pile of shit. I want to feel safe that I can step back and give you space and not have you leave me when I do.”

            Back to back to back.  He sent those texts over 20 minutes.  He also texted Sam, my friend, over and over again.  He is out of control. 

            I don’t know where to begin to even respond to his texts so I won’t.  He won’t hear me.  He is too wrapped up in his feelings and his thoughts. 

I’m not leaving him.  I am simply asking that he give me a chance to catch up to where he is at. 

            I’m not asking that he be like Gary.  Adam is the one comparing himself to Gary.  He is the one demanding to know what Gary and I do in bed, what we say to each other.  Not me. 

            I never claimed Adam was a bad provider.  If anything, I have always applauded him for what he has done for the family.  When I did, he got angry for just talking about what he did not what he was.  He did go out in a blizzard to get me icees when I was pregnant the first time.  I would go with him sometimes and we would laugh at my crazy cravings.  I never asked him to advance his career.  He put that on himself.  And he forgets, while he fought through OTS, BCOT, Afghanistan, and AFIT, I was home fighting also.  I was holding the home and family together.  While he was busy advancing his career I was busy too. 

            He did his homework at night and then complained about having his free time taken up with children or extracurricular activities.  And when it finally got to be my turn for school, I did my homework at night or the early morning and then was a parent and wife.  He would criticize me for spending too much time on school work and tell me I was putting in too much effort.  Then he would tell me how I needed to get into a graduate program or was neglecting housework.

            I am so grateful I got to stay home with the kids.  That was the best gift of time I could ever be given.  But Adam didn’t give it to me out of the goodness of his heart.  We were Mormon, it was expected that I would be home with the children.  When money was tight I asked Adam if I could get a night job and he said no.  He wouldn’t let me get a job.  He was worried about the burden it would put on him having me out of the home.  And then he made sure to tell me he could earn more in a part time job than I could because he had the education.  He rubbed it in my face that he was better than me.  Now he is telling me he did all of this as a sacrifice.  He forgets the negative he brought into the picture when he “sacrificed.” 

            I can’t say whether Adam said he loved me everyday.  I’m sure he said it often.  And he told me often that I was beautiful.  But, as he said, he did so because it’s what he thought I needed.  He didn’t bother to ask what I needed.  And he most definitely did not tell me he appreciated me cooking or doing laundry.  He did complain when those things weren’t done or when they were late.  He would say to just let him do his own laundry because he would make sure it would get done.  Nevermind the fact that all the laundry was done every week.  He would tell me he needed high protein, low carbs, low cholesterol foods and if my meals didn’t meet those needs he would just not eat with us. 

            And I laugh that he thinks he taught the kids to respect me and that he let my ruling stand.  I am reminded of the time when the kids would not clean their rooms.  I gave them a week.  I finally told them if it wasn’t done by a certain time I would clean the rooms with a garbage bag in hand.  And I did.  When Adam got home he pulled it all out of the garbage and chastised me then gave the kids their things back.  And the rooms were a mess again.  If I grounded them, Adam would tell them the grounding was over if they would keep a room clean for a week…but then never make them clean.  Adam being on the computer while I clean on a Saturday.  Adam making me justify spending money for kids’ clothes. Those things do not teach the children to respect me.  They teach the children that Adam controlled the home. 

Adam supporting me in fights with the neighbors is a stretch.  He helped me make sure people didn’t vandalize our property is a bit more realistic. 

            Adam pushed me to go to school, and not always in a supportive manner.  He would tell me I studied wrong.  He said I worked inefficiently.  When I struggled with my computer class he said I exaggerated the situation.  Then I had a study group at home and he heard the guys talk about the horrible professor.  Then it was true.  Me saying it wasn’t good enough. 

            I am not blind to everything Adam does for me.  But I also am not blind to everything he has done to me.  He is the one forgetting the bad things.  He is refusing to see the whole picture. 

            I did not start calling him controlling and manipulative when Gary came along.  I’ve been doing it in counseling for months.  And shouldn’t Adam know: correlation is not causation?  Sure, Adam’s controlling and manipulation is more obvious to me now that I know someone that doesn’t do those things to me.  Adam is the one calling himself shit.  Not me.