Why do I try?

March 28, 2014

            It seems Adam was uncomfortable at The Pub during the game.  I sat at the bar and studied while watching the game while he sat with some friends at a table.  He said it was different than he expected.  I don’t know what he expected but I said hi and for now that’s what I have to offer.

            I need to transfer my weekly allowance: $200 for groceries and $100 for gas. 

            I asked if he needed the kids to pack anything specific.  He only requested they each have their things in their own bags instead of everyone’s things in a basket.  I guess he didn’t go through the basket of things I sent last time and didn’t realize the little ones had clean clothes.

            Then we discussed the transporting of kids to school activities.  Our oldest had a theatre club thing at 5:30pm.  He asked if I was dropping her off.  I thought I was in charge of getting another child to her school dance.  He said if he isn’t getting them until 6pm I need to transport them.  Interesting, I thought he was going tot he theatre thing.  Since he won’t be going not only did I have to transport them, I also had to give the oldest money for dinner.  And he didn’t tell me any of this until I had already left to get the other child to her dance.  I had to turn the van around to pick up all the kids.  I thought I might be late dropping the rest of the bunch off at Adam’s but I wasn’t.
            After I got all the kids dropped of Adam texted me to ask if I left the car seats.  I didn’t know I was supposed to leave them, he hadn’t asked.  He said he didn’t have a chance to remind me before I left.  I let him know he could probably get the little girls high back booster seats for $20-30. Littlest one's harnessed seat could be purchased for about $80.  I was trying to be helpful with that info but his “Fine” made me think he was upset.  I added that if Babies R Us is doing their trade in special he could take the pack n’play and stroller and get two 20% off coupons that could be used on carseats.  I also offered for him to stop by the house and pick up my carseats.  He never responded. 

March 29, 2014

            I got a response to that last question at about 2am.  Adam changed his direct deposit for work so it goes to his personal account.  He says he will set up an allotment to my account.  I let him know I was concerned because the joint account is getting low and looks like it might get overdrawn.  If he has it figured out I will try not to worry.  He assures me he will pay next month’s bills from his personal account so the joint account won’t get overdrawn. 

            I was also told to stop using the joint account and to order my own checks for my personal account. 

            At this point in our text conversation Adam did a great job at showing me how “not controlling” he is.  He said so far, for March, I have spent $265 in gas, $830.09 in groceries, and $915.35 in discretionary.  He has spent $108.32 in gas, $256.04 in groceries, and $491.99 in discretionary. 

            I asked if he was going from the day he left or all of March.  Obviously, if he is using the entire month of March, quite a bit of my grocery spending included food for him.  He said it is the entire month of March and if I must, I can deduct the cost of cottage cheese and tuna from my budget.  I asked what about the dinners I cooked for the family.  He didn’t answer.  I also asked about the dates we went on, he said he split those between us.  He then texted me all the transactions I have made in March.  I guess he is trying to tell me to not spend anymore of his money.  Okay, I will hold off until April 1 when a new budget month begins. 

            Adam kindly put the miniature golf trip (number 5’s birthday trip with him), the carseats he needed, and the flowers he bought me, as his spending.  I told him it was nice of him to not charge me for the flowers.  He said that was a sore subject.  He has no idea.  Finding those flowers snapped into pieces and dumped in the kitchen sink first thing in the morning was difficult.  It was made even more difficult since the children found them and I was left to explain what was going on.  That’s not important anymore, what is done is done.  I won’t hold his actions against him; I know it was his pain.

            Anyway, I asked Adam what his March spending was, since he had taken the time to label all of mine.   He seemed surprised that I wanted to know.  It only seems fair that if he is going to nit pick me that he do the same to himself.  He posted his. 

            I then asked about everything he had charged.  He said he didn’t have that info yet.  I asked how he purchased the mattresses.  He said those were put on his personal credit card.  He said his credit card has been bearing the house set up costs.  Seems to me his totals for the month of March are a bit off then.  If he is going to point out everything I have spent from the checking account and compare it to his smaller amount but leave out everything he has purchased on credit I call unfair.  He told me to not use the credit card yet he has a personal one to load up.  He said I can weed through all I want but I spend a lot of money then he added, “So do I.” 

            As I was looking through how he split the dates up, I noticed something interesting.  One trip to The Pub was $17, which is “his” expense.  I have a Pub for $50 on my list.  A least $15 of my Pub was beer.  Which one of us drinks beer?  Oh, yeah, him.  Why am I charged for that?!  He said next month we won’t need to worry about that because I won’t be buying him any beer.

            I told him there are no “personal” finances until the divorce is final.  All the debt he is accruing very well could fall under marital debt.  He said he needed beds and we didn’t have the money so he used credit.  “Unless you would rather the kids sleep on the floor like they did last summer?”  First, how often do the kids sleep on the floor by choice?  All the time!  And using sleeping bags for a couple nights until he gets paid is not exactly a hardship.  I got a bit snappy and replied, “Fell lucky you allowed yourself to have the credit.  I am not so lucky and have no choice but to trust you will give me the money you said you would.”  Right about then I noticed he was working the budget from March 1 instead of the day he officially moved out, March 17.

            Adam: “that's how these things work. We made up a budget, then you get that budget. Feel like a martyr all you want, but you could also be making income. And if you were, you sure as hell wouldn't be putting it in the joint account.”

            We made the budget?  We did?  Um, pretty sure he made the budget.  And feel like a martyr?  No but I am feeling a bit betrayed and worried that I won’t be able to feed my children.  Yes, I could be making an income.  An income that would get tossed at daycare costs. 

            He then said the budget is a rolling budget and in any 30-day period I should not be over budget.  He said this is the decision space I made.  He said I chose to be where I am at right now.  I forgot, I chose for us to get a divorce.  He said I had a clear choice in the matter.  How little he was paying attention if he thought it was a clear choice. 

            I responded that he made his choice and gave me all of a few hours to sort out my part.  He made the choice for both of us.  He congratulated me for choosing Gary.  I told him I chose me.  I got a “Ha” in response.  He said I have always chosen me but this time it was explicit.  “You chose the guy that echoes your feelings without holding you accountable, so I guess you could say that’s like choosing you.” 

            Then I had a sarcastic snippy reply: Fine, you are right.  I am and always have been selfish.  I am the broken one.  You are the bigger person.

            He said the point is for me to quit acting like a victim, to quit acting like he left me because he is the asshole.  He said he left me because I wouldn’t leave my boyfriend. 

            He gave me a few hours, at most, to walk away from the one person that was actively showing me compassion.  I gave him years to walk away from alcohol. 

            He said, “I know, your true love.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter.  The point is that “you chose.”

            Right about then I realize I was no longer communicating appropriately, respectfully, or productively.  I asked that we only converse if needed, I needed space.  He said, “You mean, you tried to control my behavior because you don’t like 1. alcohol 2. Beards 3. Me working at a lesser paying job I like 4. Anything that doesn’t revolve around you. But then have the nerve to call me controlling. You don’t need space you need people to agree with you. And I’m sorry this became an argument, but that wimp you were married to that just rolled over, took whatever abuse or attitude you dished out, and didn’t stand up to you?  He’s not here anymore.”

            I can’t respond to him.  He raped me and he is telling me to stop acting like a victim?  He raped me and is calling me the abuser? He said I need to respect him, trust him, have less sex rules.  He asked again and again to open the marriage.  He said it was on me to make him happy.  I tried everything I could.  I put me aside for him.  And when he said he didn’t rape me, that I was mistaken, I felt ashamed like he was right.  He always has to be right.

            As to his list: 1. No, I don’t like alcohol.  I don’t like alcoholics and drunks even more.  The fact that our children have seen him drunk, that his employees have seen him drunk, is a red flag he has a problem.  I grew up with a drunk, I was neglected by one.  I married a man that was never going to drink because our faith didn’t allow it.  Then we left the church and I was married to a drunk in the blink of an eye. 2. I made it known I didn’t like the beard.  I told him why.  He didn’t care so I let it go.  It’s his face.  He couldn’t get passed that I spoke up about it, though.  3. The job change.  We have a budget that I am in charge of making work and I always have.  I was concerned that we have two mortgages and he was about to take a $30-40K pay cut.  Yes, I was not happy.  But I also told him I would make the budget work just like I always have.  But again, he couldn’t let go that I had disagreed with a decision he made.  A decision he made by himself that affects the entire family.    4.  I am ignoring this one.