I cannot stop him but I can stand up to him

For work I have to take 12 hrs of domestic violence training.  I was able to check this off my to do list this week and it was a very good training.  I've done a lot of good trainings during my first year but this one hit close to home.  It was basically 12 hours of in your face cannot deny it this was your life.  It was rough.

I know I was in an unhealthy marriage.  I know Adam was controlling, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive.  I know that, I've known it for a while but to have it spelled out was shocking.  Almost everything the instructor mentioned, screamed, "Adam!"  

The training started out by defining domestic violence versus domestic abuse.  I had thought my marriage was on the abuse side, turns out the sexual part gave it both dimensions.  Lucky me.  I have often thought how his abuse had been pretty mild during the marriage with the really ugly stuff (minus the rape) coming after he moved out.  Turns out domestic doesn't mean people live together it refers more to the relationship between the people.  I guess that means I still am in a domestic abusive relationship.  It sucks to think this will always be my life.  

I remember a couple months ago, my attorney told me my situation wasn't that bad, that it could be worse.  But here's the thing, just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't traumatic.  It doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because "it wasn't that bad."  Imagine being raped, now imagine your rapist is allowed to continue abusing you time and time again and your situation is minimized with a shrug and, "It could be worse."  Those types of comments add to the abuse and excuse it, and in a way, normalize it.  

It is ignorant to say husbands can't rape their wives.  It is irresponsible to teach that no means no. It is this thinking that allowed my rapist to justify his way out of feeling like a predator and transfer the guilt of the event to me.  Adam claimed I never said no or if I did it wasn't loud enough or maybe I said it in my head.  He said he didn't see me try to get up.  He said I never said to stop because it hurt.  He said he didn't see me cry.  These were his reasons to transfer the blame.  Fuck "no means no."  The rule is: yes means yes until no means no and silence is not consent.  If you never bother to ask then you do not have permission.  But in Adam's world it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and since he isn't one to ask forgiveness it is easier to tell your victim she is wrong.  

Adam has a fear of being a bad guy.  He said this often and it was his reason to not go to therapy.  He felt like it was a bash session.  He couldn't handle ever being told he had a deficiency or an issue.  He needs to be liked and seen as a good guy.  I was reminded very vividly of this characteristic when the instructor mentioned the personality types that typically abuse; they are the schizoids, borderlines, narcissists, and antisocials.  Hmm, Adam's phsych. eval. mentioned those.  Interesting.  

The instructor then discussed the types of abusers.  There are three groups and Adam could sit in two of them.  Approval seekers make excessive demands on wives (yes I know either sex can abuse but I'm sticking with the group usually on the receiving end) to compensate for poor self-esteem.  Adam's "love language" was words of affirmation.  But he complained that I gave the wrong words.  He would lecture me daily on my word choices or what I chose to compliment.  No matter what I tried it was never right.  If I talked about being proud of his work he said I focused just on his earning potential.  If I complimented his muscles he said that means I thought he was fat before.  Whatever my compliment he found something to negate it.  It was never right.  Then there are the incorporators who need a wife to validate them and define them.  This group is likely also narcissistic as they need a wife to mirror back what the abuser hopes to be seen as. 

I think these groups probably blend well.  The instructor mentioned one of these types (can't recall which) has a "I don't know what I need but you will feel my rage if you aren't giving it to me" mentality.  When he said that I thought, OMG, was he a fly on the wall in therapy?!  Adam had said repeatedly that he didn't know what he needed but expected me to figure it out.  

Chronic abusers feel they fail to live up to the masculine script.  And sporadic abusers are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy and are most sensitive to criticism.  Sounds like someone I know...

Then the class discussion moved to categories of power and control that are abused.  Coercion & threats (check), using children (check), emotional (check), isolation (check), deny/blame/minimize (check), intimidate (check), economic (check) and male privilege (not check, I think).  Adam became a pro 7 out of 8.  Wow, he did pride himself in being an over achiever.  

Here's the funny thing.  Even after sitting through 12 hours of instruction and kind of being knocked over the head with all this info pointing to the abuse, I had the fleeting thought, It wasn't that bad.  Even I hold to that way of thinking.  The thought was immediately proceeded by, No wonder abuse and violence are under reported or women go back.  We are groomed to think this behavior is acceptable because it isn't an extreme.  We wait, we stay, we give second chances all because it isn't that bad.  But why does it have to reach an extreme to be unacceptable?  

I'm finding it a bit difficult to not fixate on this subject.  I'm hoping writing will help.  I'm hoping I accept things a little bit more.  I'm hoping it lessens my feelings of shame and believing I am stupid for letting it happen to me and allowing it to continue for so long.  I think it is working.  I talked about it using the actual words: rape, abuse.  I said them without hesitation.  I also recognized that I can never stop him from continuing to abuse me.  But I can stand up to him.  I cannot stop the abuse from coming at me but I can turn away, I can stop seeing myself as his victim.  If I am his victim then he has the power and that is one thing I will not give him any longer.  I am not necessarily a force to be reckoned with, or a powerful person.  But I am empowered.  I am empowered with acceptance of what was and is.  I am empowered with knowledge.  

I am also a huge pain in the ass!  Contempt charges were filed today over the tax refund.  And I feel very (em)powered!  

Adam's rule

June 18, 2014

            I just got a message that Adam wants to “be friends” on Facebook again.  I didn’t respond quickly enough and he seems upset.  He said I was his best friend the majority of his life and that it still meant a lot to him.  He said it was important to him that we play nice since we are the important people in the kids’ lives.  He said it was my choice but he was to the point emotionally where he thought we could share life experiences and talk without having huge blowouts.

            He plans to drop the kids off on Friday and pick them up the following Friday.  I miss them so much!  I tried to positively reframe him having them for a full week.  I thought it is my first week working and it will be nice to not have the chaos of children when I get home.  But I was wrong.  After listening to stories of kids being abused I just want to take care of my children.  I want to hold them and know they are okay. That’s not to say I think Adam is hurting them, but I need to see them and know they are whole. 

            Adam has changed his mind about Gary being allowed around the children.  This stinks.  He said they can be introduced but Gary is not to be in the house at night when the kids are here and he never wants them around him unsupervised.  He said every therapist, lawyer and other person he talks to has said he needs to draw a firm boundary with me on this and asked me to respect his wishes.

            I respect his wishes as the childrens’ father.  I asked him to clarify “at night” since in the summer night happens at 10 pm and winter closer to 5pm.  Or does he mean Gary cannot sleep over.  Then he said he doesn’t want Gary spending time around the children, I guess at all, which is contradictory to him saying they can meet.  He said meeting is not the same as spending time with. 

            This new rule is a shame.  Gary’s kids and our kids were all set to meet each other next week.  Gary and I had a fun meet up planned. 

            I asked that Adam follow the same rule when it comes to his girlfriends.  He said his request did not extend to all the men I date (cause I date a lot, oh wait no I don’t) only to Gary.  I said I understand but I also think it is a good rule in general, thus the reason Gary and I agreed to wait 6 months before introducing each other to children.  I think the rule is a good safety net for the kids no matter who we are each dating.  He never replied. 

            I do understand Adam’s concern about having a man he doesn't know around the children. But he is forgetting a few things.   Gary is not a pedophile.  He has never preyed on children.  Then there is me.  I am a loving parent that doesn’t want to put my children in danger.  I am not going to leave them with anyone until I fully trust that person.  I trust Gary.   I trust Gary more than I trust Adam.  Adam after all had nonconsensual sex with his wife: it just so happens he talked his way out of that.

             

I could get use to this

June 10, 2014

            The oldest is not doing well in school.  She is on the verge of not being advanced to ninth grade.  Adam said I should help her out instead of letting her learn a lesson.  The problem is we have been helping her and she still skips her work.  He said if he had known weeks ago he would have helped her out.  It made me feel like he was saying I kept him out of the loop.  The vice principal only just let me in on the problem.  I’ve been checking the Progress Book site and have her do work that is missing.  It’s not like I am slacking.  But I am not going to hold her hand.  I will remind her and give her time to work.  She has to actually do the assignments.  I mentioned that she shouldn’t have gone to a friend’s house while with Adam since she knew she had work to do. Then Adam told me to be there for her and support her today and to tell her she is punished at his house.  I think he should be telling her these things.

            Then came littlest's well visit.  He is well except for some freckles on his head.  She’s referring him to a couple of specialists to make sure he doesn’t have a disorder.  I asked the pediatrician about discussing divorce things with the kids.  Her advice is to just ask them how they are doing and how things are at Adam’s home.  She said I am the mom and nothing is off limits.  If I have a concern he is drinking too much while he has them then I ask the kids.  She said don’t ask leading questions and make sure the kids know the door is wide open for communication: the same way we do sex talk stuff. 

            Adam agreed and said he has already been doing this.  He also said he doesn’t think  slipping grades is related to the divorce because it has always been a problem.  He thinks maybe it is just because we aren’t a focused team effort.

            Then we talked a bit about the kids.  It was nice to have a normal conversation.  I mentioned a progress book like site for the middle and high schoolers that the lady at  registration told me about.  She said Adam is signed up for it and asked if I had access.  Nope.  Adam doesn’t know the password for his account either.  I have my own and he can set his up. 

            I let Adam know there is a thing at the STEM tonight.  I figured one of the kids would have told him or he would have gotten the many emails the school sent out but he didn’t know.  He was able to come and took the tour of her class project.

            I had a “questions, comments, concerns” conversation with the kids.  I know they hate these but it is the best way I know to make sure they communicate with me.  They brought up liking having Adam come for dinner in the middle of the week.  They all voted that Tuesdays are best.  They want him to come over so he can see the dog.  I told them I would let Adam know and see if he would like to have dinner here with them on a weekly basis.  I figure I can cook a meal and disappear out of the house for a few hours no problem.  Adam said he would need to think about it because when he has come over before it was a “sucker punch” when he left.  It’s a shame he has to think about seeing his kids.  But that’s just my opinion.  I don’t want to make this “good” conversation day bad so I will keep that bit to myself.

June 11, 2014

            I invited him to come over to see littlest for his 4th birthday.  I said I would do birthday stuff during the day and Adam could have the evening.  I asked if he wanted to have dinner with the kids but he didn’t say.  He plans to only stay1-2 hours. 

June 12, 2014

            I hit a brick wall at the library.  One of the kids put a book on hold and I was going to pick it up for her.  I couldn’t because she doesn’t have her card and Adam only put his name on her account.  I asked him to pick it up for her.  He said he could do it.  Good, she’s been waiting a while for it to arrive. 

            I let Adam know how the birthday went and sent him a couple pics.  He asked if I still have the tent and fishing poles.  He wants to take the kids camping this weekend and needs the stuff plus the sleeping bags.  I said I would bring what I could find. 

            Then we switched info about kid doctor and eye appointments.  Adam wants to know if he should just keep the kids for an uninterrupted week.  I only need him to take them to a couple appointments but he can get his week if he wants it.  No response from him. 

            I did our birthday celebration and was ready to leave by the time Adam came.  He didn’t stay very long.  But yay for a conversation that didn’t include attacking me!

June 13, 2014

            Mr. 4 year old loves the scooter Adam got him for his birthday.  I made sure to text Adam a picture of it being used.

            I asked Adam to transfer my allowance, again.  He said he wishes I would take two weeks at a time.  He said Fridays are super busy. I told him to set up an auto transfer but if he wanted to manually transfer two weeks at a time, fine.  He said he could do that but needed my account info to set up the transfer because he doesn’t want to use the joint account anymore.  I told him I would prefer to not give him that info.  Then I suggested a check.  Five minutes into the conversation he had the money transferred.  He is too busy to remember to do that each week? 

            He said he wants to close the joint account because USAA still defaults to that account to pay bills and he wants it to stop.  He has over drafted and doesn’t want to pay any more fees.  That’s nice.  He can give me a check then.  I am not giving him access to my account.

            Then I took littlest to the neuro. appointment.  It went well.  We will need to watch the moles he has but it is looking like he does not have Neurofibromatosis.  The eye appointment Adam is taking him to will be the final say. 

            I sent a father’s day gift with the kids.  They better remember to give it to him! I would hate for him to feel like I did on mother’s day. 

June 14, 2014

            Another text conversation with Adam.  One of the kids asked me (over text) if they were staying all week.  I didn’t think so because Adam never responded when I asked.  I let him know if he wanted to keep them for his uninterrupted week that it was fine.  

I had received a text from Billy asking for white undershirts.  I suggested Adam take care of that.  It is interesting that the kids ask me for things they need and not him- even when they are at his house. Adam did finally respond that he would keep them all week.  I wish he had let me know before I dropped them off.  I would have packed more things for them and given them extra hugs. 

June 16, 2014

            First Monday without the kids and first day of work.  It went okay.  Adam let me know the kids are fine.  He hopes I am enjoying quiet time. 

I wish I could call this a new normal but it's old

May 7, 2014

            I’m trying to plan ahead for when I start working.  The biggest concern is childcare for littlest.  I realized I will need to pay for the first month in advance and asked Adam if I could use money from savings for it.  He said he would need more details about the costs.  Um, your child needs care while his mother is at work.  The costs are what they will be.  I figure I need to pull money for the first month and after that we can split the cost.  I called around and found a place for about $500 a month. 

            Littlest had a mud party.  Sent Adam a picture.  I also fixed the dye job Adam did on the oldest's hair.  He said he was going to fix it, he didn’t tell me that.  In the mean time our child was uncomfortable walking around with half her hair bleached/dyed. 

May 8, 2014

            Adam kept littlest this morning while I had my iron infusion.  He asked if I could pick him up earlier than I told him I would because he had a meeting.  I asked them to push the infusion faster than usual but I wasn’t able to get to Adam’s until 11:30 ish.  I tried. 

May 9, 2014

            Littlest wanted to have lunch with Adam.  I figured I would grocery shop while they ate.  First the lady in front of me wanted to argue her EBT amount with the cashier, then one of my grocery bags fell apart in the parking lot, then there was a traffic jam.  I ended up being 15 or so minutes late picking littlest up.  I felt bad and apologized. 

May 14, 2014

            I offered to let Adam come have dinner with the kids and do bedtime routines.  I’ll prep a dinner and then leave the house.  He said he appreciates it.  I figure letting him visit the kids midweek here at the house gives them more time since they don’t need to travel and he can put them to bed. 

May 16, 2014

            I transferred my weekly allowance from savings.  I am not going to assume Adam is neglecting transferring me money but instead figure he was just busy packing for his trip or driving and hasn’t had time.  I asked that instead of transferring the money to the joint checking he transfer it to the joint savings to make up for what I took out.  He did not. 

May 21, 2014

The STEM high school orientation was tonight!  With Adam out of town I kept him in the loop and texted him info during the talks.  I hope it was more informative than annoying. 

May 22, 2014

Just found out Adam is not getting back into town until Friday night then leaving again Saturday.  He’ll pick the kids up early Sunday morning.  I thought he was coming back Saturday night.  He asked the other singer int he band when they will be getting back and said late Saturday so Sunday works better.  So it sounds to me that I am being used as a babysitter while Adam records his album.  I am not complaining about having more time with my children, it would just be nice to be asked; especially when it is for a personal reason Adam is missing his parenting time.  Realizing the increased need in food for the weekend the following conversation occurred:

Me: “Will you be able to transfer my weekly allowance this week or should I transfer it from savings? Also, I figured your grocery budget allows for $2.14 a meal, I have taken on 84 of those meals (7 for last Friday, 21 for last Saturday, 21 for last Sunday, 7 for this Friday, 21 for this Saturday, and 7 for this Sunday), which comes to $179.76: please add this amount to my allowance this week. I won't worry about getting paid for the groceries I purchased while you recorded a few weeks ago.”

Adam: “Your grocery budget is already 200 dollars higher than mine per month, but I have the same number of meals to provide. Take an extra 100 from savings, but realize we've been eating ramen and cheap hamburger meat so you can eat better during the school week. Also, realize I don't have the opportunity to supplement my income with a job. When my money is gone, I don't eat.”

Me: “I provide 9 more meals a week and while that doesn't seem like a lot it is because it is mostly dinner. We eat better because I have started shopping only at Aldi, the food feeds the kids and I eat whatever is left. When my allowance or food is gone I go hungry. You have access to any money leftover from the utility budget items. But, since you think my request is unfair, never mind. Would you like me to also take $50 less per week so I get the same grocery budget?”

He never responded to that tantrum of mine. 

May 23, 2014

            Adam is on a business trip so I made sure to send him updates throughout the elementary school's field day.  Our fourth grader did great!  He won a relay and scored some runs in kickball.

I also sent him videos of the girls’ music showcase at school.

May 27, 2014

            Littlest has a rash.  Adam said a friend had poison ivy this weekend and they were at her house.  Ugh.  Hopefully it clears up and is something simple like heat rash. 

            First son got into the theatre magnet at school.  This brings Adam and I each paying $245 for this school.  Unless Second daughter is her normal awesomeness and also gets a second magnet, then we each pay $280.

May 28, 2014

            I am tired of these bad days.  I am getting worn out. 

            Little girl came home from school and in her backpack was an “invitation” to kindergarten graduation.  I knew it was coming up but was waiting for the teacher to send the info home.  I texted Adam the info immediately and he said it would be amazing if I would tell him about really important things a tiny bit more in advance.  I told him she just brought the info home. 

            This is better pasted and copied straight from the texts.

Adam: “There was also a talent show, a play, multiple parent teacher conferences, and a science thing, all of which you told me about maybe 30 minutes before. Then there's you coming back 30 minutes late each time I've taken care of littlest. You don't need to act like that to prove a point. I was not the husband you needed. I get it. I was needy and you didn't respect me. Okay. You've moved on and have a happy loving relationship, and I don't. I may never. It's still all really fucking sad and most times unbelievably hard to handle. I don't need this passive aggressive stuff on top of it. So please give me some advance notice so I can still be a parent to my kids.”

Me: “You were out of town for the talent showcase. Yes, I goofed about telling you about the play before the day of but I am a little busy. You missed out on one parent teacher conference that I also almost missed because I forgot about. The science thing lasted all of five minutes and was just her showing me a board game she made, sorry you missed out on that. If being in the know about school stuff is so important you could have called or emailed the teachers and asked to receive updates. It is not my responsibility. And please stop suggesting all of this is so easy for me and you are the only one negatively impacted.”

Adam: “It's pretty hard having me take care of you without having to do anything for me in return. Must be really difficult.”

            I put my life on hold so he could go to school.  I waited. Not him.  I figured out how to juggle school and be a mom and wife.  I wasn’t always perfect in all of that but I was sure as hell better than he was.  When he was in school he would hide away in his office and leave the kids and me.  The term “AFIT widow” doesn't come from nowhere.  I don’t see him taking care of me now as unearned by me.  And yes, he is providing for us financially, but what about everything he is taking from me by sending these kinds of texts? 

            After a breather I responded to Adam. 

Me: “I think we would both have an easier time of getting over these negative feelings if there were some closure. When are you available to work on the dissolution together? Or have you and your lawyer already finished it?”

Adam: “I got an advance copy of the agreement the other day with some questions, and he fucked a lot of it up. I think he's trying to get all he can out of my retainer. Let me get back with you as to when I can meet.”

Me: “It would be nice to have some advance notice of what the agreement looks like at this point.”

Adam: “it looks like a damn mess. When it looks closer to the stuff we verbally agreed on, I'll send it to you so you can provide your inputs.”

Me: “I don't care if it is a mess. I am interested in the rough draft as much as the final.”

To which he responded with blurry not centered pictures of each page of the papers his lawyer sent him.  I could only read half of it.  I am so tired of this game he seems to be playing.  I am trying to maintain my calm.  I am trying to not be aggressive back at him.  It is so hard. 

May 29, 2014

            Asked Adam to transfer the weekly allowance. 

            I got mail from the IRS and opened it.  It says we owe $21K but $10K was paid and the rest is due by June 23.  I freaked out a bit and asked Adam if he knew what was up.  He said he is taking care of it and to send it to him.  Um, it has both our names on it, I would like to be kept in the loop.  I did call the IRS and got an explanation. 

May 30, 2014

            Asked Adam to transfer the allowance before 2pm.  I don’t understand why he doesn’t set up an auto transfer!  I also made sure he was aware that the checking account has be in overdraft three times now.  These recent overdrafts were from the checks I wrote to cover the sitting fees for CLEP/DANTES tests.  I paid Adam the cash for those or left the money in checking.  He needs to make sure that the bills he is paying from checking are covered by money he puts in there and not money I leave in there.   

              Adam seemed mad that I opened the mail from the IRS.  It was addressed to both of us.  It just stated the balance and payments for the tax loan.  I told Adam I would swing them by.

The new normal?

April 19, 2014

            The oldest is set to dye her hair.  She and I talked about it and in order for her to still be able to do theatre, we compromised on just dying the tips.

April 21, 2014

            Transferred money from savings to cover a DANTES exam.  Adam said it was okay.

           

April 22, 2014

            Adam:” Here’s to hoping you passed your final exam!  I’m sad we’re so distant now, because I’d love to be celebrating the culmination of all your hard work.”

It makes me sad too but I don’t think he really wants to hear how things make me feel.  He is still blaming me for everything and being so hurtful. Why would I share my accomplishment with the person that made it such a difficult journey?

April 24, 2014

            I took another CLEP/DANTES.  I haven’t received my own checks yet so I wrote one using the joint account to cover the sitting fee.  I let Adam know and I only transferred $405 of my allowance leaving the sitting fee amount in the account. 

            I had a bit of a rough time with the youngest kids.  They are certain Adam is going “far away and never coming back. " I asked that he call them to clear this confusion up.  He said he will.  I am thinking the little ones are confusing him going on a business trip to mean he is never coming back. 

April 25, 2014

            I promised Adam I would get an STI panel run since I didn’t use a condom the first time Gary and I had sex.  The results are back and there were no surprises.  As far as I know, Adam has not gotten his own STI panel run even though he has had at least four sex partners since opening the marriage and allowed a woman to perform oral sex on him without a condom. 

April 30, 2014

            A discussion about splitting the equity in the van and the house I'm living in with the children came up today.  Adam wanted to use the home equity to pay the tax bill.  I don’t see the house as having any real equity.  We know there are problems with the house that would need to be fixed before it could be sold: roof and chimneys.  The equity in the home would cover just those fixes needed to sell the home to break even.  Adam isn’t interested in a short-sale, which would mean buyers take as is, so the equity needs to be available.  He also said that if I weren’t able to keep the house he would want to buy it so the kids could still live here and not get “jerked around.”

            He also said when we split our debt it isn’t split by creditor; we each maintain responsibility for the debts no matter what.  He is worried that I would file bankruptcy and the debt I took would become his.  He wants to know what I plan to do.  He said he plans to split the debt then work like crazy to pay it off.  He said he would like to avoid a contested divorce and finalize things before he changes jobs.  I told him my debt free plan is similar: pay it off.  This should be a given since I am a Dave Ramsey follower. 

            Then he asked if I failed my last CLEP/DANTES.  He said I never told him so he assumed I passed. 

            He also wants to see the kids tonight.  I asked how he wants to go about that.  He said he would pick them up around 6pm and wants me to make sure they are finished with their homework and nighttime requirements including dinner.  Great, I get to rush our evening. 

            I asked if he wanted to keep them all night.  He said it makes him nervous that he might get them to school late because they haven’t done the school drill at his house.  He needs to do some planning to make sure they have all their school stuff packed and hair stuff ready.  Plus he needs to figure out when they would need to wake up. He said maybe they can start next week staying over during the week.  I don’t understand why he needs so long.  They have clothes.  He should have shampoo and such since they have been seeing him on the weekends.  All he needs to do is calculate the travel time.  

May 1, 2014

            First thing this morning Adam sent a Happy Birthday text.  I know he means well but he is approaching the day how he thinks he should.  He isn’t thinking how it might be a very hard day for me.  My last birthday was such a wonderful and loving surprise from him.  Today I struggled so much.  I wish he had just ignored the day and me. 

            To add insult to it all, Adam asked to take one of the boys out to a movie.  What happened to him harping about spending birthdays together as a family?  He wasn’t even going to pick him up until 8pm.  That would mean getting home after 11pm.  That seems very late for a school night and for a kid that has been sick lately.  I asked if there was an earlier show next week or maybe they could just go for dessert.  Little guy said he really wanted to go so I let him.  Happy birthday to me. 

May 2, 2014

            Little guy got sick at school.  I was grocery shopping.  Adam was not reachable.  Poor kid had to wait for me to drive there to get him.  Took about an hour. 

            Adam asked if I wanted the kids back for Mother’s Day.  I asked “Won’t I get them that evening?” or if he was keeping them until Monday.  He said it had nothing to do with Monday, he just thought I would want them the whole day.  I love my kids but I would like to sleep in on Mother’s Day.  We can celebrate Mother’s Day in the evening when he brings them home.  Call me crazy but having 7 kids waking me up bright and early and needing to be fed and then cleaned up after sounds like a lot of work on my “holiday.”

            This was followed by a lecture.  Adam is upset I “re-gifted” the birthday presents from the kids.  I explained that I didn’t re-gift, I shared.  He said it doesn’t matter how I spin it.  It’s not okay.  What I didn’t tell him was it was really difficult to accept gifts I knew came from him.  The kids never get me birthday presents.  But this wasn’t about me, it was about what Adam deemed appropriate behavior and I was wrong again.

           

May 6, 2014

            Infusion on Thursday, I asked Adam if he wanted to spend the morning with the littlest. 

            I was also busy cleaning out the classroom closet today and found a $389.13 check for Adam.   I asked what he wanted me to do with it (deposit or give to him).  He said to deposit it so he could pay his travel card.