I know I was in an unhealthy marriage. I know Adam was controlling, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive. I know that, I've known it for a while but to have it spelled out was shocking. Almost everything the instructor mentioned, screamed, "Adam!"
The training started out by defining domestic violence versus domestic abuse. I had thought my marriage was on the abuse side, turns out the sexual part gave it both dimensions. Lucky me. I have often thought how his abuse had been pretty mild during the marriage with the really ugly stuff (minus the rape) coming after he moved out. Turns out domestic doesn't mean people live together it refers more to the relationship between the people. I guess that means I still am in a domestic abusive relationship. It sucks to think this will always be my life.
I remember a couple months ago, my attorney told me my situation wasn't that bad, that it could be worse. But here's the thing, just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't traumatic. It doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because "it wasn't that bad." Imagine being raped, now imagine your rapist is allowed to continue abusing you time and time again and your situation is minimized with a shrug and, "It could be worse." Those types of comments add to the abuse and excuse it, and in a way, normalize it.
It is ignorant to say husbands can't rape their wives. It is irresponsible to teach that no means no. It is this thinking that allowed my rapist to justify his way out of feeling like a predator and transfer the guilt of the event to me. Adam claimed I never said no or if I did it wasn't loud enough or maybe I said it in my head. He said he didn't see me try to get up. He said I never said to stop because it hurt. He said he didn't see me cry. These were his reasons to transfer the blame. Fuck "no means no." The rule is: yes means yes until no means no and silence is not consent. If you never bother to ask then you do not have permission. But in Adam's world it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and since he isn't one to ask forgiveness it is easier to tell your victim she is wrong.
Adam has a fear of being a bad guy. He said this often and it was his reason to not go to therapy. He felt like it was a bash session. He couldn't handle ever being told he had a deficiency or an issue. He needs to be liked and seen as a good guy. I was reminded very vividly of this characteristic when the instructor mentioned the personality types that typically abuse; they are the schizoids, borderlines, narcissists, and antisocials. Hmm, Adam's phsych. eval. mentioned those. Interesting.
The instructor then discussed the types of abusers. There are three groups and Adam could sit in two of them. Approval seekers make excessive demands on wives (yes I know either sex can abuse but I'm sticking with the group usually on the receiving end) to compensate for poor self-esteem. Adam's "love language" was words of affirmation. But he complained that I gave the wrong words. He would lecture me daily on my word choices or what I chose to compliment. No matter what I tried it was never right. If I talked about being proud of his work he said I focused just on his earning potential. If I complimented his muscles he said that means I thought he was fat before. Whatever my compliment he found something to negate it. It was never right. Then there are the incorporators who need a wife to validate them and define them. This group is likely also narcissistic as they need a wife to mirror back what the abuser hopes to be seen as.
I think these groups probably blend well. The instructor mentioned one of these types (can't recall which) has a "I don't know what I need but you will feel my rage if you aren't giving it to me" mentality. When he said that I thought, OMG, was he a fly on the wall in therapy?! Adam had said repeatedly that he didn't know what he needed but expected me to figure it out.
Chronic abusers feel they fail to live up to the masculine script. And sporadic abusers are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy and are most sensitive to criticism. Sounds like someone I know...
Then the class discussion moved to categories of power and control that are abused. Coercion & threats (check), using children (check), emotional (check), isolation (check), deny/blame/minimize (check), intimidate (check), economic (check) and male privilege (not check, I think). Adam became a pro 7 out of 8. Wow, he did pride himself in being an over achiever.
Here's the funny thing. Even after sitting through 12 hours of instruction and kind of being knocked over the head with all this info pointing to the abuse, I had the fleeting thought, It wasn't that bad. Even I hold to that way of thinking. The thought was immediately proceeded by, No wonder abuse and violence are under reported or women go back. We are groomed to think this behavior is acceptable because it isn't an extreme. We wait, we stay, we give second chances all because it isn't that bad. But why does it have to reach an extreme to be unacceptable?
I'm finding it a bit difficult to not fixate on this subject. I'm hoping writing will help. I'm hoping I accept things a little bit more. I'm hoping it lessens my feelings of shame and believing I am stupid for letting it happen to me and allowing it to continue for so long. I think it is working. I talked about it using the actual words: rape, abuse. I said them without hesitation. I also recognized that I can never stop him from continuing to abuse me. But I can stand up to him. I cannot stop the abuse from coming at me but I can turn away, I can stop seeing myself as his victim. If I am his victim then he has the power and that is one thing I will not give him any longer. I am not necessarily a force to be reckoned with, or a powerful person. But I am empowered. I am empowered with acceptance of what was and is. I am empowered with knowledge.
I am also a huge pain in the ass! Contempt charges were filed today over the tax refund. And I feel very (em)powered!
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