I wish I could call this a new normal but it's old

May 7, 2014

            I’m trying to plan ahead for when I start working.  The biggest concern is childcare for littlest.  I realized I will need to pay for the first month in advance and asked Adam if I could use money from savings for it.  He said he would need more details about the costs.  Um, your child needs care while his mother is at work.  The costs are what they will be.  I figure I need to pull money for the first month and after that we can split the cost.  I called around and found a place for about $500 a month. 

            Littlest had a mud party.  Sent Adam a picture.  I also fixed the dye job Adam did on the oldest's hair.  He said he was going to fix it, he didn’t tell me that.  In the mean time our child was uncomfortable walking around with half her hair bleached/dyed. 

May 8, 2014

            Adam kept littlest this morning while I had my iron infusion.  He asked if I could pick him up earlier than I told him I would because he had a meeting.  I asked them to push the infusion faster than usual but I wasn’t able to get to Adam’s until 11:30 ish.  I tried. 

May 9, 2014

            Littlest wanted to have lunch with Adam.  I figured I would grocery shop while they ate.  First the lady in front of me wanted to argue her EBT amount with the cashier, then one of my grocery bags fell apart in the parking lot, then there was a traffic jam.  I ended up being 15 or so minutes late picking littlest up.  I felt bad and apologized. 

May 14, 2014

            I offered to let Adam come have dinner with the kids and do bedtime routines.  I’ll prep a dinner and then leave the house.  He said he appreciates it.  I figure letting him visit the kids midweek here at the house gives them more time since they don’t need to travel and he can put them to bed. 

May 16, 2014

            I transferred my weekly allowance from savings.  I am not going to assume Adam is neglecting transferring me money but instead figure he was just busy packing for his trip or driving and hasn’t had time.  I asked that instead of transferring the money to the joint checking he transfer it to the joint savings to make up for what I took out.  He did not. 

May 21, 2014

The STEM high school orientation was tonight!  With Adam out of town I kept him in the loop and texted him info during the talks.  I hope it was more informative than annoying. 

May 22, 2014

Just found out Adam is not getting back into town until Friday night then leaving again Saturday.  He’ll pick the kids up early Sunday morning.  I thought he was coming back Saturday night.  He asked the other singer int he band when they will be getting back and said late Saturday so Sunday works better.  So it sounds to me that I am being used as a babysitter while Adam records his album.  I am not complaining about having more time with my children, it would just be nice to be asked; especially when it is for a personal reason Adam is missing his parenting time.  Realizing the increased need in food for the weekend the following conversation occurred:

Me: “Will you be able to transfer my weekly allowance this week or should I transfer it from savings? Also, I figured your grocery budget allows for $2.14 a meal, I have taken on 84 of those meals (7 for last Friday, 21 for last Saturday, 21 for last Sunday, 7 for this Friday, 21 for this Saturday, and 7 for this Sunday), which comes to $179.76: please add this amount to my allowance this week. I won't worry about getting paid for the groceries I purchased while you recorded a few weeks ago.”

Adam: “Your grocery budget is already 200 dollars higher than mine per month, but I have the same number of meals to provide. Take an extra 100 from savings, but realize we've been eating ramen and cheap hamburger meat so you can eat better during the school week. Also, realize I don't have the opportunity to supplement my income with a job. When my money is gone, I don't eat.”

Me: “I provide 9 more meals a week and while that doesn't seem like a lot it is because it is mostly dinner. We eat better because I have started shopping only at Aldi, the food feeds the kids and I eat whatever is left. When my allowance or food is gone I go hungry. You have access to any money leftover from the utility budget items. But, since you think my request is unfair, never mind. Would you like me to also take $50 less per week so I get the same grocery budget?”

He never responded to that tantrum of mine. 

May 23, 2014

            Adam is on a business trip so I made sure to send him updates throughout the elementary school's field day.  Our fourth grader did great!  He won a relay and scored some runs in kickball.

I also sent him videos of the girls’ music showcase at school.

May 27, 2014

            Littlest has a rash.  Adam said a friend had poison ivy this weekend and they were at her house.  Ugh.  Hopefully it clears up and is something simple like heat rash. 

            First son got into the theatre magnet at school.  This brings Adam and I each paying $245 for this school.  Unless Second daughter is her normal awesomeness and also gets a second magnet, then we each pay $280.

May 28, 2014

            I am tired of these bad days.  I am getting worn out. 

            Little girl came home from school and in her backpack was an “invitation” to kindergarten graduation.  I knew it was coming up but was waiting for the teacher to send the info home.  I texted Adam the info immediately and he said it would be amazing if I would tell him about really important things a tiny bit more in advance.  I told him she just brought the info home. 

            This is better pasted and copied straight from the texts.

Adam: “There was also a talent show, a play, multiple parent teacher conferences, and a science thing, all of which you told me about maybe 30 minutes before. Then there's you coming back 30 minutes late each time I've taken care of littlest. You don't need to act like that to prove a point. I was not the husband you needed. I get it. I was needy and you didn't respect me. Okay. You've moved on and have a happy loving relationship, and I don't. I may never. It's still all really fucking sad and most times unbelievably hard to handle. I don't need this passive aggressive stuff on top of it. So please give me some advance notice so I can still be a parent to my kids.”

Me: “You were out of town for the talent showcase. Yes, I goofed about telling you about the play before the day of but I am a little busy. You missed out on one parent teacher conference that I also almost missed because I forgot about. The science thing lasted all of five minutes and was just her showing me a board game she made, sorry you missed out on that. If being in the know about school stuff is so important you could have called or emailed the teachers and asked to receive updates. It is not my responsibility. And please stop suggesting all of this is so easy for me and you are the only one negatively impacted.”

Adam: “It's pretty hard having me take care of you without having to do anything for me in return. Must be really difficult.”

            I put my life on hold so he could go to school.  I waited. Not him.  I figured out how to juggle school and be a mom and wife.  I wasn’t always perfect in all of that but I was sure as hell better than he was.  When he was in school he would hide away in his office and leave the kids and me.  The term “AFIT widow” doesn't come from nowhere.  I don’t see him taking care of me now as unearned by me.  And yes, he is providing for us financially, but what about everything he is taking from me by sending these kinds of texts? 

            After a breather I responded to Adam. 

Me: “I think we would both have an easier time of getting over these negative feelings if there were some closure. When are you available to work on the dissolution together? Or have you and your lawyer already finished it?”

Adam: “I got an advance copy of the agreement the other day with some questions, and he fucked a lot of it up. I think he's trying to get all he can out of my retainer. Let me get back with you as to when I can meet.”

Me: “It would be nice to have some advance notice of what the agreement looks like at this point.”

Adam: “it looks like a damn mess. When it looks closer to the stuff we verbally agreed on, I'll send it to you so you can provide your inputs.”

Me: “I don't care if it is a mess. I am interested in the rough draft as much as the final.”

To which he responded with blurry not centered pictures of each page of the papers his lawyer sent him.  I could only read half of it.  I am so tired of this game he seems to be playing.  I am trying to maintain my calm.  I am trying to not be aggressive back at him.  It is so hard. 

May 29, 2014

            Asked Adam to transfer the weekly allowance. 

            I got mail from the IRS and opened it.  It says we owe $21K but $10K was paid and the rest is due by June 23.  I freaked out a bit and asked Adam if he knew what was up.  He said he is taking care of it and to send it to him.  Um, it has both our names on it, I would like to be kept in the loop.  I did call the IRS and got an explanation. 

May 30, 2014

            Asked Adam to transfer the allowance before 2pm.  I don’t understand why he doesn’t set up an auto transfer!  I also made sure he was aware that the checking account has be in overdraft three times now.  These recent overdrafts were from the checks I wrote to cover the sitting fees for CLEP/DANTES tests.  I paid Adam the cash for those or left the money in checking.  He needs to make sure that the bills he is paying from checking are covered by money he puts in there and not money I leave in there.   

              Adam seemed mad that I opened the mail from the IRS.  It was addressed to both of us.  It just stated the balance and payments for the tax loan.  I told Adam I would swing them by.

The new normal?

April 19, 2014

            The oldest is set to dye her hair.  She and I talked about it and in order for her to still be able to do theatre, we compromised on just dying the tips.

April 21, 2014

            Transferred money from savings to cover a DANTES exam.  Adam said it was okay.

           

April 22, 2014

            Adam:” Here’s to hoping you passed your final exam!  I’m sad we’re so distant now, because I’d love to be celebrating the culmination of all your hard work.”

It makes me sad too but I don’t think he really wants to hear how things make me feel.  He is still blaming me for everything and being so hurtful. Why would I share my accomplishment with the person that made it such a difficult journey?

April 24, 2014

            I took another CLEP/DANTES.  I haven’t received my own checks yet so I wrote one using the joint account to cover the sitting fee.  I let Adam know and I only transferred $405 of my allowance leaving the sitting fee amount in the account. 

            I had a bit of a rough time with the youngest kids.  They are certain Adam is going “far away and never coming back. " I asked that he call them to clear this confusion up.  He said he will.  I am thinking the little ones are confusing him going on a business trip to mean he is never coming back. 

April 25, 2014

            I promised Adam I would get an STI panel run since I didn’t use a condom the first time Gary and I had sex.  The results are back and there were no surprises.  As far as I know, Adam has not gotten his own STI panel run even though he has had at least four sex partners since opening the marriage and allowed a woman to perform oral sex on him without a condom. 

April 30, 2014

            A discussion about splitting the equity in the van and the house I'm living in with the children came up today.  Adam wanted to use the home equity to pay the tax bill.  I don’t see the house as having any real equity.  We know there are problems with the house that would need to be fixed before it could be sold: roof and chimneys.  The equity in the home would cover just those fixes needed to sell the home to break even.  Adam isn’t interested in a short-sale, which would mean buyers take as is, so the equity needs to be available.  He also said that if I weren’t able to keep the house he would want to buy it so the kids could still live here and not get “jerked around.”

            He also said when we split our debt it isn’t split by creditor; we each maintain responsibility for the debts no matter what.  He is worried that I would file bankruptcy and the debt I took would become his.  He wants to know what I plan to do.  He said he plans to split the debt then work like crazy to pay it off.  He said he would like to avoid a contested divorce and finalize things before he changes jobs.  I told him my debt free plan is similar: pay it off.  This should be a given since I am a Dave Ramsey follower. 

            Then he asked if I failed my last CLEP/DANTES.  He said I never told him so he assumed I passed. 

            He also wants to see the kids tonight.  I asked how he wants to go about that.  He said he would pick them up around 6pm and wants me to make sure they are finished with their homework and nighttime requirements including dinner.  Great, I get to rush our evening. 

            I asked if he wanted to keep them all night.  He said it makes him nervous that he might get them to school late because they haven’t done the school drill at his house.  He needs to do some planning to make sure they have all their school stuff packed and hair stuff ready.  Plus he needs to figure out when they would need to wake up. He said maybe they can start next week staying over during the week.  I don’t understand why he needs so long.  They have clothes.  He should have shampoo and such since they have been seeing him on the weekends.  All he needs to do is calculate the travel time.  

May 1, 2014

            First thing this morning Adam sent a Happy Birthday text.  I know he means well but he is approaching the day how he thinks he should.  He isn’t thinking how it might be a very hard day for me.  My last birthday was such a wonderful and loving surprise from him.  Today I struggled so much.  I wish he had just ignored the day and me. 

            To add insult to it all, Adam asked to take one of the boys out to a movie.  What happened to him harping about spending birthdays together as a family?  He wasn’t even going to pick him up until 8pm.  That would mean getting home after 11pm.  That seems very late for a school night and for a kid that has been sick lately.  I asked if there was an earlier show next week or maybe they could just go for dessert.  Little guy said he really wanted to go so I let him.  Happy birthday to me. 

May 2, 2014

            Little guy got sick at school.  I was grocery shopping.  Adam was not reachable.  Poor kid had to wait for me to drive there to get him.  Took about an hour. 

            Adam asked if I wanted the kids back for Mother’s Day.  I asked “Won’t I get them that evening?” or if he was keeping them until Monday.  He said it had nothing to do with Monday, he just thought I would want them the whole day.  I love my kids but I would like to sleep in on Mother’s Day.  We can celebrate Mother’s Day in the evening when he brings them home.  Call me crazy but having 7 kids waking me up bright and early and needing to be fed and then cleaned up after sounds like a lot of work on my “holiday.”

            This was followed by a lecture.  Adam is upset I “re-gifted” the birthday presents from the kids.  I explained that I didn’t re-gift, I shared.  He said it doesn’t matter how I spin it.  It’s not okay.  What I didn’t tell him was it was really difficult to accept gifts I knew came from him.  The kids never get me birthday presents.  But this wasn’t about me, it was about what Adam deemed appropriate behavior and I was wrong again.

           

May 6, 2014

            Infusion on Thursday, I asked Adam if he wanted to spend the morning with the littlest. 

            I was also busy cleaning out the classroom closet today and found a $389.13 check for Adam.   I asked what he wanted me to do with it (deposit or give to him).  He said to deposit it so he could pay his travel card.

How does one respond to this type of insanity?

March 25, 2014

            Adam wants to discuss the parenting arrangements.  He wants to do 50/50 parenting.  I am in agreement about shared parenting.  I asked if Adam is wanting the 50/50 thing because it would mean paying less in child support.  I know that seems like a very selfish question on my part but I want to keep the kids in the same house and in the same school.  I highly doubt I could find suitable housing in the area if Adam doesn’t help me.  He said he would take full custody if he could.  He isn’t factoring in child support.  I asked why he would take full custody, does he think I am an unfit mother?  He said if I offered it he would snap it up.  Why in the world would I offer him full custody?!  I am living my dream “job” being a mother.  He is crazy to even entertain such an idea of me giving him full custody.

            He did say he does not think I am an unfit mother.  Well that’s nice.  He said I am asking about financial stuff when he sees that as a secondary consideration.  I don’t see me being able to maintain the children’s current home as a secondary issue.  He said eventually the dissolution will be complete and I will need to supplement the spousal and child support if I want to “support yourself in the house you currently live.”  I thought we were talking about the kids?  How did this become about me?

            Adam said he needs to be able to feed and clothe the kids, “As you know, they are expensive.”  Really?  Does he really think he needs to tell that to the parent that makes all the clothing purchases and does the grocery shopping?

            He also mentioned an informal separation not working.  He said there isn’t enough cooperation or trust to make it work.  He said it is a matter of fact.  I disagreed but it only takes one of us to feel that way I suppose. 

            Adam has asked to have the children every other weekend.  He said he will be fair and I can trust him to tell me what he is doing.  I told him he can trust me to not take out credit or spend recklessly or be a whore and get pregnant. 

            He said this is difficult.  He trusts me to not get pregnant anytime soon.  He said he doesn’t mind if I do later.  “If you met someone else that I could trust around the kids, then you could have a life together with that person. You are young, pretty, and charming.”  Clearly, Adam aims to not let Gary and I have a life together. 

            I asked when he plans to file the dissolution. He said we will do it together.  I need a timeline, I like to plan ahead.  He said he has a template that he is using for the dissolution but they aren’t ready for my review.  He would like to have it done by the beginning of summer so we can both be “free to move on with whatever we will do.”  He would prefer an arrangement that allows me to stay in the house.  He said we don’t have to leave it up to a judge “that could screw one or both of us.”  I mentioned that without a college degree there is not a very good chance of me getting the type of job that would bring in an income that would qualify me for a mortgage for this house.  A judge won’t be screwing us, Adam might but a judge won’t.  Now he is saying I can finish my degree by the summer.  He has said he won’t pay for anymore classes, he also took away his promise to cover the B.S. student loans.  He said to study and take CLEPs.  He said to take the money out of savings.  He also said he would like to transfer the Josie stuff back to my control.  He said his intention is not to micromanage my life. 

            I tried to explain the difficulty in trying to jam my final classes into a couple month period and study and take the GRE.  He said my struggles don’t change anything, it’s my business.  How I manage my time is up to me, he says.  Except this isn’t just about managing my time better.  I am now a single mother of seven children and attending school full time while trying to find a job.  I am moving as quickly as I can with all this.  It’s not poor time management.

            That topic is only going to cause a fight so I suggested we get back to parenting time.  I asked what day of the week he would like to have the children.  He said with having them every other weekend he would like to have a midweek visit.  I asked if he would like to switch where I get them four days he gets them three then reverse.  Transporting them to school might get tricky. He asked “How do you do it now?  You will have to modify this when you start work anyway.” He also wanted to know if we will need daycare or if the older kids can take that responsibility.  For now, I guess if I am working, the kids would take busses home, the youngest would go to daycare, and I would use my lunch break to get the oldest home since her school doesn’t bus.  Adam doesn’t know how he will manage a pick up on the school days he has them.  He said if he had a house in this neighborhood it would be easier.  I agreed and even thought every other day might be possible then. He said if we want to sell the other house then we can have that be our current goal and hold off on the dissolution.  I guess that is his choice since that is the home he is in. 

            I changed topics to the budget.  I looked at the budget I made and there is a surplus of $162.  His budget plan shows nothing left and credit cards not paid. 

            Back to kids, he wants the kids on Tuesday but he doesn’t want to visit at this house.  I said he could take them to his house but he said he needs a vehicle first.  He said until then he just wants to have them on weekends.  The Friday 6pm-Sunday 7pm schedule works for him. 

            Then he said he had a very important question.  He wants to know if I am open to building a working relationship: what I need him to do and not do and what he needs me to do and not do.  I have told him I am open to talking things over and cooperating.  He said he was asking if that was still the case.  He isn’t my husband but he is the children’s father.  I need to be able to talk to him and be a team with him.  He asked what I need to have that happen.  Is aid cooperation is a great place to start.  Having him stand by his words. He asked how he can do that that he hasn’t already done. 

            I answered honestly and openly, just likely he asked me to.  I said it hurt when he took back his promise to pay for my undergrad.  I also don’t get to go to grad school.  Over and over he said he would pay and now I am left to pay it all on my own.  He said he is still deciding whether he will allow me to use the tuition benefits he'll get when he changes to his professor position but now he has decided and it feels like he has taken another one of my dreams away.  That type of betrayal hurts. 

            Adam’s reply was a slap to the face.  “It hurt having you be unfaithful to me, even during the open marriage.  Many dreams are gone from us on both sides.” I don’t get it.  I did what he wanted, how is that unfaithful?  He said I could not have been more unfaithful after he gave me permission to start a relationship.  He said there wasn’t a rule I didn’t break.  He gave me permission? No, he begged and pleaded to open the marriage.  He pushed me to have another relationship because he thought it would make me more open to the kind of sex Adam wanted.  He said he didn’t tell me he wanted me to have a relationship but that I could.  He says he didn’t push me into an open marriage.  He says we talked about it and I decided to try it.  He is right, after him asking multiple times over months, I finally was willing to do the thing he wanted to try.  I didn’t understand how it would better our marriage but if it was the only thing I could do to make him happy I was willing to try it. 

            I am so confused.  He told me he was happy I found someone that made me happy.   He said:

“It's the reason I left and the reason I will stay gone. You were emotionally unfaithful to me. I was happy you found someone before I found out that you and him made fun of me behind my back, that you shared our marital problems with him, and that you lied to me repeatedly. None of those things embody the mutual trust and consideration and respect that we had in mind when we opened the marriage.  He only knows how to be a cheater, and I understand where he is at. But you were not like that before. “

            He has it so wrong.  My goal was to connect with someone in the meaning of polyamory.  We never made fun of Adam.  He said he read my texts so he knows what was said.  He believes we made fun of him several times and said hurtful things and I was not “faithful” as a partner.  I was disrespectful.  I lied to him about sex with him long before we opened the marriage.  He said he didn’t know I lied so much before I met Gary.  But wasn’t me learning to be open about my emotions another reason Adam opened the marriage?  So now that I am being open and honest, like he asked, that means I suck?  He said we need to get over this and move on.  He said I can make fun of him all I want now, this is the cause of our divorce.  He said, after he closed the marriage I planned to see Gary.  I apologized for hurting him when I vented, he said he wasn’t telling me this to get an apology.  He understands “much better how you work.” 

            Adam is mad that after he said we were closing the marriage that I saw Gary the next day.  I said that was because a person doesn’t generally break things off over text.  I needed to have a respectful discussion with the man I had fallen in love with.  It isn’t like Adam never chose vice over me. 

            Then he moved the subject back to the topic of what we each need.  His turn.  He needs me to “abandon lying and doing passive aggressive stuff to spite” him.  He wants to be able to tell me when I do bad things.  Um, he already does.  He also said “You hate me and resent me, and you’ve not respected me for a long time.  It’s clear.  I know it but you haven’t said it. “  He is telling me I can say it now and he won’t be mad.  I cannot trust that.  There has always been an emotional cost to telling Adam I am not happy.  He also admitted to being “a dick” because ehe resents me.  He “thinks horrible things” about me but is still turned on by me.  Then he said to stop being passive aggressive like sending a message about a 6:20 meeting at 6:10.  I sent that message at 5:45pm as I was rushing to get ready.  I thought our daughter had told him before hand.  He said it doesn’t matter because I didn’t tell him until the last minute when he couldn’t be there.  Yes, I knew before the day of the meeting, well I got an email a month ago but I forgot.  Plus, I thought he was on the school's email list.  Not my fault he didn’t make sure to be connected with the kids’ teachers. 

            I felt like it was time for another topic change.  He doesn’t want to “micromanage” my life but he does expect me to be his personal aid. 

I offered for him to have the kids tonight.  I could pick the Spring Breakers up in the morning if he took the STEMers to school.  He asked if it’s because I have a date.  If so he will.  He said I am free to do what I want as long as we are in agreement about the dissolution.  I wish he would not think of me being selfish.  I am offering him the kids because he just said he liked having them.  I can bring them any day of the week. He responded, “So yes.”  No, we can stick to the weekend.  He said I need practice at being honest so I can keep the kids tonight.  I am biting my tongue to not call him names!  Why does he turn this into me?  Wasn’t the basis of this conversation the kids? 

            I am going to be cooperative and put my feelings aside.  Does he want to kids tomorrow?  No, he has band practice and Thursday he teaches. So Tuesday is his only open day but somehow I am a bad person for offering him that day?  He aid he could reschedule band practice but he doesn’t want to mess with the schedule anymore.  Is he serious?  He thinks the band cannot handle a change?  Has he forgotten that his seven children are going without their father the majority of the time?  Isn’t that the bigger change and he has the power to make it easier on them but won’t?

            Then he went back to me having a date and it was okay that I am seeing gary.  He said what is not okay is me not trusting Adam to talk to him about it.  My husband left me about a week ago and expects me to be open and honest about the intimate relationship I have, the one he claims I was unfaithful to him with?  Is he crazy?  Then he tells me I don’t have to tell him about my personal life but if he asks and I give him the “self-righteous excuse” that is the problem.  He said it makes him not believe the other things I say.  He then promised to not use anything against me in court provided I don’t file on him and start a war.  I’m not going to file on him, I told him the lawyer said there was no need.  Then Adam said I never told him I met with a lawyer.  I did, when we met for lunch.  I told Adam I had like a 10 minute meeting, then he remembered. 

            Adam wants us to have open honest communications.  He believes feelings are not important because we are working together to create kids that are stable and healthy.  He said he will stand by his word to cooperate.  He’ll be explicit and put it all in text so I don’t misunderstand. 

            Adam admitted again to resenting me but still having strong feelings for me.  He likes talking.  He almost wanted me to come over last night but knew it would be a mistake.  From there I tried to keep the conversation very neutral.  I talked about making donuts with the kids and bonding over math with the oldest. 

            Later in the day Adam asked if I knew that a neighbor’s house got robbed.  I do know, they live across the street and the police cars were kind of obvious.  I used my incidental money to buy magnetic alarms for the doors.  I also investigated the alarm system in the house already.  It’s broken and if I arm it, it blares.  I’ll just use incidental money to buy simple alarms at HD.