His Response

His response.  It is beautiful. Please refer to the rest of the blog to understand what he is talking about.  

I've attempted to engage you about money you owe me and to get returned items and money that you've stolen from me. You've ignored each of these requests. Here's a list: 

Heather's iPhone I'm still paying for:                      $649.99

Heather's Samsung Galaxy I'm still paying for:              $579.99

Hannah's iPhone Heather took and didn't return:             $199

Electric payments Heather stole and didn't return:              $450 

Heather's lawyer fees I paid:                               $440 

Un-refunded  Earnest Money (she cancelled sale): $500

Inspection costs (she cancelled sale):              $450

Total:                                              $3268.98

You've demanded reimbursements for treatments and therapy which I have not approved and which you didn't even inform me of until much later, despite the fact that it's required in the parenting agreement. I'm not paying for any of those, so if you'd like to be reimbursed, remove each of those from your calculations.  

I never received a federal refund, so obviously you're not getting reimbursed for something I didn't receive. Talk to the IRS if you want to complain about it. You can find their number at IRS.gov.

I did receive an Ohio refund and I'll give you your portion of that once you pay the rest of what you owe me ($3258.98). Your total is $176.68. Here is it broken down:

Total Ohio Return:                          $461

Her Ohio refund:                            $230.50

TurboTax cost:                              -$107.23

Heather's part of TurboTax:                 -$53.62

I owe her:                              $176.88

I owe lots of debt to lots of people. You're actually dead last on my list to pay, partly because you've garnished 75% of my monthly wages already, but mostly because you have been an enormous twat. You are the only one that has ever involved the court, so basically fuck off in all the ways you can imagine fucking off. 

Smoochies, 

Adam

The Letter I Did Send (or email)

Dear Adam,

I have attempted to engage you in communication regarding the tax refund and being paid my portion.  Either you have not received these emails or have chosen to not respond.  I would like to move forward with a cooperative way of communicating.  I would like to not rely on the courts to enforce the divorce decree or parenting agreement.  I would see it as a hostile move on my part to file contempt charges against you; and I would really like to avoid that move. 

If you would also like to avoid contempt charges and bringing the court into our lives, any more than it is already, please respond regarding the money you owe me.  I would appreciate a response concerning the tax refund as well as the reimbursement for the school and psychiatric fees.  

If I do not hear from you by June 30^th or if you do not present a good faith plan, I will assume you want me to move forward with filing contempt charges.  I have contacted the court and the process is simple for me.  I fill out a form that is available online and submit it with evidence.  The evidence is simple as well.  For the tax refund: the divorce decree that outlines your obligations and mine as far as debt and the filing of the 2014 tax return, the tax return itself, a screen shot of the IRS website that states the money was applied to your debt.  The school fees and psychiatry fees are a similar process. 

I want to make it clear; I do not want to involve the court.  We are both mature adults and should be able to cooperate when it comes to the orders of the court.  I understand circumstances arise that will require us to detour from the exact orders but in those cases we need to communicate and agree on the detour. 

Sincerely,

Heather

I sent this email tonight.  I sent it to his personal email account on gmail and the two work emails he has used to email me.  Some might say that is overkill but he has used the excuse before that he didn't get a message because it wasn't delivered or because his gmail fills up so quickly.  

Who thinks I will get a response?  Who thinks it will be a nice response?  Mean response?  

The Letter I Intended To Send But Chickened Out

Dear Adam,

I understand you feel I desire a hostile relationship with you based on the emails you have sent me in the last couple of months.  I assure you I do not want anything other than a co-parenting relationship.  I recognize that it is difficult for you to communicate in a neutral manner because you feel I have ulterior motives.  You have also mentioned that it is difficult for you to be nice because it is awkward and uncomfortable.  However, you voluntarily entered into a co-parenting agreement and that does require communication on both our parts.  I would hope that you could use better judgement and look at the communication I have sent you over the last six months and see that I in fact have not been hostile.  I have done what was expected of me as a co-parent: I have informed you of things going on with the children.  I don’t do this to open up a friendly line of communication, I do this because I also signed the co-parenting agreement.  I don’t ask your input on hair cuts because I want to talk to you, I do it because it is required of me.  It is also required of you. 

I would like if you would stop the passive aggressive approach you have adopted and actually parent the children with me.  I would like it if you followed through with what has been court ordered such as paying your portion of school and psychological fees.  I have not incurred unnecessary costs on behalf of the children.  The school the three oldest children attend was agreed upon prior to the divorce so you knew the cost.  I did not decide to have Ms. I hate Everything attend therapy and thus incur more fees: she was suicidal.  Our daughter wanted to end her life and had a plan to hang herself in your basement.  She had a list of ways to kill herself and why they would or would not work.  She had a suicide pact with her friend, a friend that did in fact attempt suicide and sent photos of the attempt to our daughter.  If you think this is all my imagination look through Ms. I hate Everything’s texts, ask to see the suicide letter she left, or simply look at the cut marks that are so visible on her arms and thighs.  It does not matter that she does not like therapy; she also apparently does not like her life.  She does not need to be told she is a free spirit and is free to make her own decisions.  She does not need to be told that because her parents are divorced you do not need to ask my permission for things that affect her.  She needs to be told her parents both love her and will work together to help her.  

I have tried to get your assistance in taking children to dental appointments.  I made a suggestion that would have me taking them to physicals and vision screenings and you taking them to two dental cleanings a year.  You declined.  I then let you know of appointments that were scheduled during your parenting time and you cancelled those appointments.  You are defaulting on your obligation as a parent by not helping with these responsibilities.  The parenting plan states that we each share equal responsibility for the custody, care, maintenance, and control of the children.  This means you share in the responsibility of making sure they get dental cleanings and have regular medical care and vision screenings.  It does not fall all on me to manage and arrange.  It does mean potentially taking time off work for both of us. 

I understand that I cannot tell you how to parent or even to parent.  I can tell you what is in the parenting agreement that you signed.  You agreed, and therefore are court ordered to pay the money I have already discussed.  You have been provided with receipts for the visit to Dr. Pediatrician and the ER.  You have been provided the receipts for some of her therapy sessions.  You were given the contact information for the facility and are capable of calling to verify the information and calculating 65%.  You were also informed prior to Wicked that it was a requirement for Oldest Son’s theatre magnet.  You were told the price and took him to the theatre.  Outside of the parenting agreement you also agreed to split the federal and state tax refund equally.  You told me the amounts of these refunds and said you would give me a check for my half.  I understand you never received a check from the IRS but you did receive the refund in full as a payment toward a debt you agreed to pay.  It has also been brought to my attention that you paid cash for a house which tells me you could have paid me the money owed.  You choose to not pay. 

I have choices to make as well.  I can choose to continue letting you off the hook as far as the court orders go but that is not in the best interest of the children.  I can also choose to work with you, which is what I have been trying to do.  I am frustrated as the response I get from you is not cooperative.  Which leads me to another option, I can file contempt charges.  I have already met with my attorney and inquired with the court.  I have the evidence in writing from your emails and texts.  I also have the evidence from invoices to show I have made more than my required share of payments for school and therapy.  I don’t want to file contempt charges, that will not move us toward a cooperative co-parenting relationship.  I would like to work this out between the two of us.  If I am unable to get a response from you or if your response is similar to what you have already sent (or not sent) I will have to take that final option and file contempt.  If you doubt my follow through remind yourself that when you went against our agreement last year I filed for divorce.  If that doesn’t convince you it might do you well to remember that I was the one that filed the eviction papers and the civil complaint documents for the former tenants.  If that still does not convince you of my abilities or willingness to file contempt it would be wise to recognize that I write court motions as part of my job  I compile evidence and testify in court on a regular basis.  I am neither ignorant nor intimidated by the process.  Please do not confuse me writing this as an ultimatum or a threat.  It is neither, it is simply me spelling out what needs to change and the options for going about it.  I look forward to hearing from you and hope you are willing and able to move pass the negative feelings you hold against me as your ex-wife and will work with me as the mother of our children. 

At least it isn't worse

My schedule at work this week had me slotted to work 2.5 hours overtime.  The bosses don't look highly upon overtime so they urge us flex out early so our total work week is 40 hrs.  yesterday I did this.  I was able to leave work 2.5 hours early.  Knowing this, I called the dentist to see about getting those cancelled appointments in later in the afternoon.  I got lucky because they were able to see the two kids needing cleanings.  

I took all the children and we stopped at the library.  We then spent two hours at the dentist.  No cavities!  The drive home should have taken 30 minutes but the traffic at this time of day plus a seven car pile up added 30 minutes for a total of one hour of travel.  It wasn't how I wanted to spend an afternoon off but at least the dental visits for all seven kids are complete for the first half of the year.  I posted on FB tit took 13 hrs spread of three days for all the dental visits to be completed.  I added that it would be nice if the other parent in this co-parenting arrangement helped out.  I took 8 hours off work and used another 2.5 from working late to get the children seen. Adam could have cut that time way down if he had taken even three kids while he had them on a Wednesday.  Did I mention I live about 20 miles from the dentist and he lived about 5 miles?  Don't forget, I tried to make these appointments a coordinated effort but he declined.  

It was interesting that I posted about this and this morning got the following short and sweet email: 

Stop scheduling kids' dental, medical, and other appointments during my parenting time.

It might sound silly but even that type of email upsets me.  Maybe I have PTSD from all the maltreatment over the years, I don't know.  But I do get upset and I feel it physically.  I asked a friend for her input and guidance.  She suggested I stop relying on him.  She said while the court papers say there is a shared parenting agreement in place I am a single mother with sole responsibility for the care of the children.  She added, "Do you really want him handling appointments?  Do you think you would be courteous enough to let you know the outcome?"  She's right.  He isn't up to the task.  She said he frustrates her and she doesn't even know him.  She had a few other choice words to say about him which always helps me because then I feel less like a drama queen and more like he is wrong.  

After talking to my friend I went back to my desk and wrote the following reply:

The dental appointments I scheduled on June 8 were coinciding with my own appointment and I thought I had them on that day.  I did not realize they would be with you until later.  You could have asked that I take them to the appointment or you could have taken them yourself.  The parenting plan clearly states we are equally responsible for these types of appointments but you have made it clear you are not interested in following this portion of the agreement.  If you would like to be informed about the outcomes of their routine care feel free to contact the providers. 

He hasn't responded.  I don't know that I want him to.  I stepped out on a line with this email by standing up to him, even if it was a little stand.  The thing is, I am a victim.  A victim of verbal brutality and sexual assault.  I am his victim.  Over the years it was easier to appease him.  While I was never doing enough it mitigated the hurtful words and the emotional abuse.   I got used to what would come.  I knew what to expect and the pattern was easy(ish) to live with.  It was my normal. Standing up to him means opening the door to unknown reactions.  It means giving him the chance to tell me how I am wrong.  That is what is painful even though I know his perception is what is wrong.  

The last few weeks I have found myself falling back into old thought patterns.  I've thought how hard it is dealing with him and how hard it is going to continue to be.  Then I think how much easier it would be to just let him boss me, not pay me, etc.  

It could be worse, I know.  I actually met with my attorney again to find out what can be done about the belittling and obvious non-compliance with the parenting agreement.  And the lawyer said, "It could be worse."  I am aware it could be worse.  I have at least 11 examples that I deal with on a daily basis at work that remind me it could indeed be worse.  But knowing someone else's worse doesn't make my own trials easier.  It doesn't change the fact that in no one's eyes (or at least almost no one's) he raped me and yet I have to play nice.  It doesn't change the fact that over the last 13 months he has put me down in nearly every text and email.  It doesn't change the fact that I am the only parent worried about Ms. I Hate Everything.  It doesn't change anything about what I live.  

A Little Bit of Two Way Communication

It isn't easy keeping Adam in the loop.  I do it though because it is required of me per the parenting agreement.  I know he is their father and that should be the reason I keep him updated but honestly, he is a poor excuse for a father.  I am seeing it more and more.  I hate it, I hate that my children deserve better and they are stuck with him.  He is capable of better and they need it.  

This week I sent this update email:

I was informed that you canceled the dental appointments that were scheduled for this morning.  Did you reschedule those?

I would like to call the children this evening.  What time will they all be available?

Report cards for WB came.  Littlest Girl got straight As.  Little Girl had As and a B in music.  Middle Son had As, Bs, one C, and an F.  His WEP report showed he is not completing work but was able to pull 90s for reading and science and a 54 in math. 

Oldest never turned in her schedule for the coming year.  I have contacted Mr. A (the guidance counselor) to see what she will be signed up for.  Ms. I Hate Everything did not have me sign her schedule request, did you sign it? 

In the last message I sent to you, I wrote that Ms. I Hate Everything was no longer going to counseling because she was not engaging. Since that final visit, she has started cutting again.  She also got her theatre audition results: she had an unsuccessful audition. 

I'll try not to complain too much because he did respond:

No. 

Whenever, but call Oldest Son over Facebook.

Thanks for report card information. 

Ok. 

I haven't signed anything. 

She doesn't like counseling.

I'll drop the kids off at your house Friday at 6. 

New address: 145 Virginia

The list of things I will complain about is short.  First, why do I have to use FB to call the children?  He has a phone, is it such a big deal to let them use it?  I did as he said and the reception sucked.  That is not an option in the future.  Second,  I don't care that Ms. I Hate Everything doesn't like counseling SHE HAD A SUICIDE PACT AND A PLAN!  WTF is wrong with Adam?!  That is the end of my complaints pertaining to this email.  

I responded in an edited way: Doesn't the parenting agreement allow you to have the children until 9pm because it is a birthday?  He said, Ok, I'll bring them back at 9 then.

Then I wrote: I'm initiating parenting time so I am responsible for providing transportation. I will pick them up at 9pm. 

Will he ever familiarize himself with the parenting agreement so he has a clue of how things work?

It was great getting the kids back.  It was a very long week especially since Littlest had his 5th birthday while gone.  When I got the kids home I discovered Littlest had a shiny birthday present from himself- a black eye.  he said he ran into the gate at the pool.  Wouldn't it be nice if Adam had bothered to say, Hey, Littlest got hurt while playing.   I made sure he was okay and iced it.  I think it would be nice to have him tell me that kind of thing instead of just letting me finding it out.  Kind of like how it would be nice if he let me know about dying hair, shaving hair, or piercing ears.  Maybe that's just me though.  

One Way Communication

It will never stop being difficult.  I will always have things to write about because Adam will never stop being the way he is.  I'm tired.  The filter I use when I communicate with him is worn thin.  I don't want to cooperate anymore.  It isn't fair that I am being the bigger person time and time again while he does what he does and there is nothing that can be done but for me to shut up and put up.  I want to yell.  I want to swear and tell him everything I hate about what he has done to me and to the children.  I want someone else to tell him what a prick he is and how much he disgusts them.  I want him to be told he is the problem not me.  But what is that saying about wanting?  Crap in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster?  Is that it?

How has June gone for me so far?  Shitty.  I asked Adam to "Please send the black communication folder back so I can use it to get documents to" him.  Not only documents (like report cards) but I type up an update letter for the kids and put that in the folder.  Without the folder I am left to send emails.  I don't mind emails because either way I am typing but the folder meant he got all the info in one place.  It was organized.  The first email of June continued:

Littlest

Has a dentist appointment for a cleaning on June 8 @ 9am.  

His report card had 2s for all sections (performing at level) except for counting to 20 for which he got a 1 (performing   above standard).

Very excited about his birthday, counting down the days excited.

Littlest Girl

Has a dentist appointment for fillings on June 8 @ 9am.

Little Girl

No updates

Middle Son

No updates

Ms. I Hate Everything

Has not been engaging in counseling so it is on hold.

Has a dentist appointment for a cleaning on June 8 @ 9am.  

Please explain what happened to her hair and why I was not brought into the decision.  

*The hair- when Adam returned the children he left Ms. I Hate Everything to take the heat for a decision he made and should have consulted me about first...He dyed her hair orange.  Yes, he sure did.  He took our beautiful red headed child and dyed her hair orange.  Awesome.

Oldest Son

Has decided to participate in the early bird schedule at school next year.  This will allow him to take an extra class.  He is considering a graduation requirement but might take an elective.  

Invited to a party on June 5 from 6-9, so is Oldest. They want to know if they can go.  

Oldest

Will have counseling once a month.

The elementary school kids all brought home sign ups for soccer.  Practices will be during the week and games usually on the weekend but sometimes weeknights.  The season runs from late July until mid October.  The cost is $45-55 depending on age. I will sign one child up as I can only get one to practice at a time.  If you are willing to take another child to practices let me know and I will register that child as well.  For now I am leaning toward Littlest because he won't have the option to do the summer concert. 

I got a home phone for the children to use.  If you would like to call them the number is 123-4567. Please respect that the little children go to bed at 7:30pm and the older kids are settling down by 8:30pm.  Limit calls on weeknights to allow for them to keep to this bedtime schedule.  

I never got a response from you concerning the tax refund so I looked it up online.  If you did not already know, the full refund was applied to your debt.  Please get my portion of the refund to me immediately ($1100 for Federal and $230.50 for State).  

As for money you owe me as reimbursement for school fees and medical copays, would you like to suggest a payment plan?  

He never responded to this message.  

The children went to his house shortly after I sent the message.  They let me know he was closing on his new house in a few days.  Yay for him.  He told Oldest Son he was paying cash and wouldn't have a house payment so he would have more money for fun stuff.  I wonder if it means he will also have money to pay me?  Maybe?  He cancelled the dentist appointments.  He didn't bother asking if I could take the children or even to reschedule, he didn't even tell me he cancelled, the kids gave me that info.  Ms.  I Hate Everything told me the reason I wasn't brought into the hair discussion; Daddy said since you are divorced he doesn't have to ask your permission anymore.  Oh, and apparently he told her she is a free spirit so she can do whatever she wants.  Great parenting.  

Last bit: he didn't accept my invitation to call the children.