At least it isn't worse

My schedule at work this week had me slotted to work 2.5 hours overtime.  The bosses don't look highly upon overtime so they urge us flex out early so our total work week is 40 hrs.  yesterday I did this.  I was able to leave work 2.5 hours early.  Knowing this, I called the dentist to see about getting those cancelled appointments in later in the afternoon.  I got lucky because they were able to see the two kids needing cleanings.  

I took all the children and we stopped at the library.  We then spent two hours at the dentist.  No cavities!  The drive home should have taken 30 minutes but the traffic at this time of day plus a seven car pile up added 30 minutes for a total of one hour of travel.  It wasn't how I wanted to spend an afternoon off but at least the dental visits for all seven kids are complete for the first half of the year.  I posted on FB tit took 13 hrs spread of three days for all the dental visits to be completed.  I added that it would be nice if the other parent in this co-parenting arrangement helped out.  I took 8 hours off work and used another 2.5 from working late to get the children seen. Adam could have cut that time way down if he had taken even three kids while he had them on a Wednesday.  Did I mention I live about 20 miles from the dentist and he lived about 5 miles?  Don't forget, I tried to make these appointments a coordinated effort but he declined.  

It was interesting that I posted about this and this morning got the following short and sweet email: 

Stop scheduling kids' dental, medical, and other appointments during my parenting time.

It might sound silly but even that type of email upsets me.  Maybe I have PTSD from all the maltreatment over the years, I don't know.  But I do get upset and I feel it physically.  I asked a friend for her input and guidance.  She suggested I stop relying on him.  She said while the court papers say there is a shared parenting agreement in place I am a single mother with sole responsibility for the care of the children.  She added, "Do you really want him handling appointments?  Do you think you would be courteous enough to let you know the outcome?"  She's right.  He isn't up to the task.  She said he frustrates her and she doesn't even know him.  She had a few other choice words to say about him which always helps me because then I feel less like a drama queen and more like he is wrong.  

After talking to my friend I went back to my desk and wrote the following reply:

The dental appointments I scheduled on June 8 were coinciding with my own appointment and I thought I had them on that day.  I did not realize they would be with you until later.  You could have asked that I take them to the appointment or you could have taken them yourself.  The parenting plan clearly states we are equally responsible for these types of appointments but you have made it clear you are not interested in following this portion of the agreement.  If you would like to be informed about the outcomes of their routine care feel free to contact the providers. 

He hasn't responded.  I don't know that I want him to.  I stepped out on a line with this email by standing up to him, even if it was a little stand.  The thing is, I am a victim.  A victim of verbal brutality and sexual assault.  I am his victim.  Over the years it was easier to appease him.  While I was never doing enough it mitigated the hurtful words and the emotional abuse.   I got used to what would come.  I knew what to expect and the pattern was easy(ish) to live with.  It was my normal. Standing up to him means opening the door to unknown reactions.  It means giving him the chance to tell me how I am wrong.  That is what is painful even though I know his perception is what is wrong.  

The last few weeks I have found myself falling back into old thought patterns.  I've thought how hard it is dealing with him and how hard it is going to continue to be.  Then I think how much easier it would be to just let him boss me, not pay me, etc.  

It could be worse, I know.  I actually met with my attorney again to find out what can be done about the belittling and obvious non-compliance with the parenting agreement.  And the lawyer said, "It could be worse."  I am aware it could be worse.  I have at least 11 examples that I deal with on a daily basis at work that remind me it could indeed be worse.  But knowing someone else's worse doesn't make my own trials easier.  It doesn't change the fact that in no one's eyes (or at least almost no one's) he raped me and yet I have to play nice.  It doesn't change the fact that over the last 13 months he has put me down in nearly every text and email.  It doesn't change the fact that I am the only parent worried about Ms. I Hate Everything.  It doesn't change anything about what I live.