It might be coincidence, it might not be, but suddenly, that long nasty post has disappeared from the children's Facebook feed. They can't see their father tearing their mother down. They can't be confused by information that is in contrast to the life experiences they have lived. Okay, that one probably isn't true. What they have read can't be unread. At least three of them now have doubts about the accuracy of the information he gives them. At least two, as much as they hate it, now know he lies if it means protecting himself. That makes me sad. It makes me sad when Oldest slows her speech and looks down when that realization hits. It makes me sad that Adam still hasn't learned to respect boundaries and in his desire to not look like a bad guy, hurt his children.
The children are resilient. They forgive easily probably because they forget so readily. Similar to the children I work to help, my children will put blinders on and love their father despite the pain he has caused.
If it wasn't coincidence, if someone (and I think I know who it potentially was) let Adam know the children could see that post, thank you. And Adam, if by chance, you now know about this blog and can see what I write, please learn and recognize for once how your actions have consequences for others.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Contempt Consequences
At some point in the past few weeks, Adam texted Gary's ex-wife telling her his children told him I am abusing her two boys. Thankfully, she gave Gary the benefit of the doubt, and thus me. She told him she was upset but realized he wouldn't stand for someone hurting the boys. I am thankful to her. She also talked to the boys and they denied any form of abuse. I talked to my seven who had no idea what Adam was talking about.
On Monday, Adam was served with the contempt papers. He took it as well as could be expected. My aunt called to let my mom know Adam had posted something on Facebook that I should know about. I won't lie, I logged on to one of the kids' accounts to see it. I logged in hoping he had the decency to customize the post but expecting he hadn't. He gave me what I expected:
"I usually take the high road and rarely vent, but I feel like it today. Heather is taking me to court again. This time to compel me to give her 50% of a refund I didn't receive, or else I will go to jail. She takes an obscene amount of money from me each month, and has even stolen thousands more, but it's still never enough.
On Monday, Adam was served with the contempt papers. He took it as well as could be expected. My aunt called to let my mom know Adam had posted something on Facebook that I should know about. I won't lie, I logged on to one of the kids' accounts to see it. I logged in hoping he had the decency to customize the post but expecting he hadn't. He gave me what I expected:
"I usually take the high road and rarely vent, but I feel like it today. Heather is taking me to court again. This time to compel me to give her 50% of a refund I didn't receive, or else I will go to jail. She takes an obscene amount of money from me each month, and has even stolen thousands more, but it's still never enough.
Because I am a dick, I'll also take this opportunity to share with everyone that she is an abuser. She was and is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my kids (and now even her boyfriend's kids). I was ashamed of that for years, and didn't tell anyone. It all leaked out into my music though if you've ever listened to my old stuff. That's why I can't even play those songs anymore.
Back then, I thought if I tried harder, did more, acted kinder, or treated her better, something somehow could make her happy. It didn't, it doesn't, and it never will. She even works in child services now, which just blows my mind. One of her first actions on becoming a mandatory reporter was to steal the kids from my home and threaten to use her power to take them away from me permanently.
I'm sharing all this because I feel like someone else is probably in a situation where they need to hear that things get way better when you leave. When I realized this (and learned what BPD was), it was like a light came on, and I suddenly didn't feel crazy anymore. My life changed instantly and it's like I was released from prison. I feel like a new person, and now I feel awesome every single day. 😎
Even with the random court actions, thefts, child abductions, forced poverty, and threats, I love my life and I love my freedom. And my kids love having a safe place where they can be themselves without being punished all the time for arbitrary nonsense.
Also, I'm not bitter anymore, but I still can't recommend marriage as a smart life choice for any young man. Relationships are great and all, but there's no other kind of legal contract on Earth that you'll have so little information about before you sign. And they never show you this part when you're 19.
If you feel like you're in a similar situation, and want advice or want to vent, hit me up privately and I'll educate you.
Love you guys!"
It total, 68 people liked his post and 30 people commented their sympathy, concerns, and joined in on the bashing. Not one of them called him out. Not one of them questioned his logic of posting this where his children can see. Not one of them asked why the hell he hasn't stepped in to protect them. if he truly feels they are being abused. No one stepped in!
It is taking a tremendous amount of self control to not use my child's Facebook account to post a link to this blog. It is taking even more self control to not march to his house and yell and scream at him. It took every last ounce of control to not tell the children my full side of the story. I did pull the three oldest together after the youngest were asleep. The two oldest had seen the post. We discussed just a few topics that are contradicted by the divorce decree and parenting plan. They asked questioned and pointed out inconsistencies in his post and things he has told them. We discussed budgeting and good financial decision making. I asked that if they had questions to respect me and trust me enough to talk to me. I told them I don't want to frame daddy as a bad guy but I want, and need, them to understand there are two sides to every story.
I am sad for the kids. I'm sad that we had that conversation. I'm sad to hear about the poor parenting decisions Adam makes such as not having a girlfriend but bringing women around the children, frequently.
And yeah, I'm sad for me. I'm sad that I am stuck in this cycle. I'm sad that most every day I walk this nightmare alone and feel powerless. I'm sad to think it will never end.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Something Not Good
I spoke too soon. Or maybe I should continue trying to frame things in a more positive light. You tell me!
The summer schedule is over and the school schedule is on. Adam's Wednesday was today so I texted him the little kids' bus stop location, bus number and time. He texted back that he would not be able to pick them up until 6pm on Wednesdays. Hmm, this conversation has a deja vu feel.I asked who would be picking them up after school. He said they would ride the bus to my house just like they do during the week. I told him no one will be there to supervise them, to which he replied:
"When they get home the other days, the big kids had been picking them up from the bus stop. Is that no longer the case? I loved picking them up from school last year, but I now have classes on Wednesday afternoons and am working three jobs and teaching an overload schedule to get back on my feet. I also don't have a girlfriend or anyone else who can pick them up for me. It's just not possible to make it work or else I would."
Oh how I wanted to rip this apart but I kept my cool and let him know the big kids do not get home until 3pm. My mom has been helping just like she did last year with the understanding that she has every other Wednesday off. He did not respond.
About 3 hours later I called to see if the kids were at home because I wanted to make sure they were supervised by mom or at the very least Ms. I Hate the World. No answer. I waited 10 more minutes and still no answer. I sent a follow up text asking if Adam found anyone to pick up the kids. He stated he had them. He followed this with, "Tomorrow, Friday, and next time I will be there at 6pm to get them. Please make sure the littles are not unsupervised."
Pardon me?!
I said it is his "parenting time and it is his responsibility. If they need to be at the house you are still responsible for coordinating the supervision." He said the time starts when the kids are out from school meaning all of the kids are out from school. I said I don't see that wording in the parenting times section. I see that his Wednesday begins after school. Nothing noting after all children are out of school. His response was, "6 is after school."
It was then that I realized I had gotten myself into a discussion with an illogical person and stopped responding. I used my time more wisely and looked up the docket and found the contempt filing is in and the divorce case is reopened. I assume that means the judge/magistrate can make any changes deemed necessary when we go in front of him on October 1.
I also looked up Adam's schedule: MWF 12:20-2:20pm. So he could get the children before 6pm. I don't care if he is working three jobs and an overload schedule to get back on his feet. he knocked himself off his damn feet! And you can bet I will mention this to the magistrate and ask if the child support can be adjusted. He has made multiple changes to his life that benefited him, it's time the children benefited. And yes, I want to benefit too. I am a caseworker for children services: you want to talk about an overloaded schedule?! I want to get back on my feet too but I can't right now because I'm busy being a mom when not at work. He has money to pay cash for a house, buy a motorcycle, get tattooed, start smoking, go to bars and musicals, and he has time to take college courses. I don't expect him to have no life or to be mired down by stress. I take "me time." I spend some money on myself but not like him.
The summer schedule is over and the school schedule is on. Adam's Wednesday was today so I texted him the little kids' bus stop location, bus number and time. He texted back that he would not be able to pick them up until 6pm on Wednesdays. Hmm, this conversation has a deja vu feel.I asked who would be picking them up after school. He said they would ride the bus to my house just like they do during the week. I told him no one will be there to supervise them, to which he replied:
"When they get home the other days, the big kids had been picking them up from the bus stop. Is that no longer the case? I loved picking them up from school last year, but I now have classes on Wednesday afternoons and am working three jobs and teaching an overload schedule to get back on my feet. I also don't have a girlfriend or anyone else who can pick them up for me. It's just not possible to make it work or else I would."
Oh how I wanted to rip this apart but I kept my cool and let him know the big kids do not get home until 3pm. My mom has been helping just like she did last year with the understanding that she has every other Wednesday off. He did not respond.
About 3 hours later I called to see if the kids were at home because I wanted to make sure they were supervised by mom or at the very least Ms. I Hate the World. No answer. I waited 10 more minutes and still no answer. I sent a follow up text asking if Adam found anyone to pick up the kids. He stated he had them. He followed this with, "Tomorrow, Friday, and next time I will be there at 6pm to get them. Please make sure the littles are not unsupervised."
Pardon me?!
I said it is his "parenting time and it is his responsibility. If they need to be at the house you are still responsible for coordinating the supervision." He said the time starts when the kids are out from school meaning all of the kids are out from school. I said I don't see that wording in the parenting times section. I see that his Wednesday begins after school. Nothing noting after all children are out of school. His response was, "6 is after school."
It was then that I realized I had gotten myself into a discussion with an illogical person and stopped responding. I used my time more wisely and looked up the docket and found the contempt filing is in and the divorce case is reopened. I assume that means the judge/magistrate can make any changes deemed necessary when we go in front of him on October 1.
I also looked up Adam's schedule: MWF 12:20-2:20pm. So he could get the children before 6pm. I don't care if he is working three jobs and an overload schedule to get back on his feet. he knocked himself off his damn feet! And you can bet I will mention this to the magistrate and ask if the child support can be adjusted. He has made multiple changes to his life that benefited him, it's time the children benefited. And yes, I want to benefit too. I am a caseworker for children services: you want to talk about an overloaded schedule?! I want to get back on my feet too but I can't right now because I'm busy being a mom when not at work. He has money to pay cash for a house, buy a motorcycle, get tattooed, start smoking, go to bars and musicals, and he has time to take college courses. I don't expect him to have no life or to be mired down by stress. I take "me time." I spend some money on myself but not like him.
Something good
I want to recognize good/positive things that Adam does. It's difficult to do and even more difficult to not mix in a criticism. But here is my attempt!
This weekend he texted me (opening a new line of communication) and offered me the playground set at the old house. The property has been marked as abandoned and he does not know when the bank will be taking it over but he knows the children like to play on the swing and slide and wants them to have it.
Last night Littlest had soccer practice and Adam came to it. I was shocked. Littlest was happy to see him which I hope enforces to Adam how important it is for him to make contact with the children whether it is his parenting time or not.
This weekend he texted me (opening a new line of communication) and offered me the playground set at the old house. The property has been marked as abandoned and he does not know when the bank will be taking it over but he knows the children like to play on the swing and slide and wants them to have it.
Last night Littlest had soccer practice and Adam came to it. I was shocked. Littlest was happy to see him which I hope enforces to Adam how important it is for him to make contact with the children whether it is his parenting time or not.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I cannot stop him but I can stand up to him
For work I have to take 12 hrs of domestic violence training. I was able to check this off my to do list this week and it was a very good training. I've done a lot of good trainings during my first year but this one hit close to home. It was basically 12 hours of in your face cannot deny it this was your life. It was rough.
I know I was in an unhealthy marriage. I know Adam was controlling, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive. I know that, I've known it for a while but to have it spelled out was shocking. Almost everything the instructor mentioned, screamed, "Adam!"
The training started out by defining domestic violence versus domestic abuse. I had thought my marriage was on the abuse side, turns out the sexual part gave it both dimensions. Lucky me. I have often thought how his abuse had been pretty mild during the marriage with the really ugly stuff (minus the rape) coming after he moved out. Turns out domestic doesn't mean people live together it refers more to the relationship between the people. I guess that means I still am in a domestic abusive relationship. It sucks to think this will always be my life.
I remember a couple months ago, my attorney told me my situation wasn't that bad, that it could be worse. But here's the thing, just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't traumatic. It doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because "it wasn't that bad." Imagine being raped, now imagine your rapist is allowed to continue abusing you time and time again and your situation is minimized with a shrug and, "It could be worse." Those types of comments add to the abuse and excuse it, and in a way, normalize it.
It is ignorant to say husbands can't rape their wives. It is irresponsible to teach that no means no. It is this thinking that allowed my rapist to justify his way out of feeling like a predator and transfer the guilt of the event to me. Adam claimed I never said no or if I did it wasn't loud enough or maybe I said it in my head. He said he didn't see me try to get up. He said I never said to stop because it hurt. He said he didn't see me cry. These were his reasons to transfer the blame. Fuck "no means no." The rule is: yes means yes until no means no and silence is not consent. If you never bother to ask then you do not have permission. But in Adam's world it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and since he isn't one to ask forgiveness it is easier to tell your victim she is wrong.
Adam has a fear of being a bad guy. He said this often and it was his reason to not go to therapy. He felt like it was a bash session. He couldn't handle ever being told he had a deficiency or an issue. He needs to be liked and seen as a good guy. I was reminded very vividly of this characteristic when the instructor mentioned the personality types that typically abuse; they are the schizoids, borderlines, narcissists, and antisocials. Hmm, Adam's phsych. eval. mentioned those. Interesting.
The instructor then discussed the types of abusers. There are three groups and Adam could sit in two of them. Approval seekers make excessive demands on wives (yes I know either sex can abuse but I'm sticking with the group usually on the receiving end) to compensate for poor self-esteem. Adam's "love language" was words of affirmation. But he complained that I gave the wrong words. He would lecture me daily on my word choices or what I chose to compliment. No matter what I tried it was never right. If I talked about being proud of his work he said I focused just on his earning potential. If I complimented his muscles he said that means I thought he was fat before. Whatever my compliment he found something to negate it. It was never right. Then there are the incorporators who need a wife to validate them and define them. This group is likely also narcissistic as they need a wife to mirror back what the abuser hopes to be seen as.
I think these groups probably blend well. The instructor mentioned one of these types (can't recall which) has a "I don't know what I need but you will feel my rage if you aren't giving it to me" mentality. When he said that I thought, OMG, was he a fly on the wall in therapy?! Adam had said repeatedly that he didn't know what he needed but expected me to figure it out.
Chronic abusers feel they fail to live up to the masculine script. And sporadic abusers are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy and are most sensitive to criticism. Sounds like someone I know...
Then the class discussion moved to categories of power and control that are abused. Coercion & threats (check), using children (check), emotional (check), isolation (check), deny/blame/minimize (check), intimidate (check), economic (check) and male privilege (not check, I think). Adam became a pro 7 out of 8. Wow, he did pride himself in being an over achiever.
Here's the funny thing. Even after sitting through 12 hours of instruction and kind of being knocked over the head with all this info pointing to the abuse, I had the fleeting thought, It wasn't that bad. Even I hold to that way of thinking. The thought was immediately proceeded by, No wonder abuse and violence are under reported or women go back. We are groomed to think this behavior is acceptable because it isn't an extreme. We wait, we stay, we give second chances all because it isn't that bad. But why does it have to reach an extreme to be unacceptable?
I'm finding it a bit difficult to not fixate on this subject. I'm hoping writing will help. I'm hoping I accept things a little bit more. I'm hoping it lessens my feelings of shame and believing I am stupid for letting it happen to me and allowing it to continue for so long. I think it is working. I talked about it using the actual words: rape, abuse. I said them without hesitation. I also recognized that I can never stop him from continuing to abuse me. But I can stand up to him. I cannot stop the abuse from coming at me but I can turn away, I can stop seeing myself as his victim. If I am his victim then he has the power and that is one thing I will not give him any longer. I am not necessarily a force to be reckoned with, or a powerful person. But I am empowered. I am empowered with acceptance of what was and is. I am empowered with knowledge.
I am also a huge pain in the ass! Contempt charges were filed today over the tax refund. And I feel very (em)powered!
The eyes are opening
The summer break has ended. The big event of the summer was the children performing in a concert event. Look back through the blog to about a year ago, same concert event. Luckily, this year went a bit better. Adam did not show up with some strange woman: he came with his brother and Oldest Son and Littlest. I came with Gary. Out of 1000+ seats in that entire theatre, would you believe Gary and I had the two seats in front of Adam? True story.
It was moderately awkward when we walked to our seats but I was happy to see the boys since it had been nearly a week (it was Adam's parenting time). Littlest leaned over and talked with Gary and he gave me a hug. The show was good. At the end of the show I was able to see all the children. Littlest glued himself to me. Gary took pictures of the performers which apparently reminded Adam that perhaps he should also take pictures of his own children. When it was time to leave, Adam directed the older kids to leave but didn't bother to allow them time to hug me or even say goodbye. I handed Littlest over when I realized what was going on. Adam said nothing, just took Littlest and walked away.
*Side note: my grandmother, an amazing woman that I loved dearly died the week before. I emailed Adam to let him know and my mom had also informed him. I didn't expect condolences but he never bothered to check how the children were handling this loss. His lack of compassion on how he handled that and then to not even let me say goodbye to the children this night shows how cold he is becoming.
Fast forward to last night. Adam's parenting time was extended the last week of summer break because I had training out of the area. I got the children back on Oldest Son's birthday around 9pm. We got home and did the birth story tradition. Around 10pm, Little One announces she was hungry and hadn't eaten dinner. I questioned everyone and learned Adam did not feed them. Oldest started to make an excuse for this lack of parenting. She said "Daddy got home late from soccer and we only just had time for birthday cake." I had to pull back her reasoning. I told her to look at the situation. He chose to stay late at the park. He also chose to not inform me leaving me unaware of the need. Oldest joked, "But you said parents only need to feed their kids once a day." Legally, yes this is true. Before I could form my response, Oldest Son said, "That's the minimum they need to do."
The sorrow in his voice went straight to my heart. Oldest Son is starting to see what I already know. I need the children to see their father for what he is but I sure do wish they didn't. I need them to not excuse him, I need them to not do what I did for 14 years. I wish this need didn't exist. I wish they could always believe and know he was a good guy with their best interest at heart. I wish but I'm realistic.
The next day was one of those moments that hit home even more what the children have to look forward to with Adam, and it came with a guilty conscience for me. I came home and the house was messy, the kids had spent their last day of summer break making messes and lounging. I lectured and chewed them out. Then I got hold of Oldest Son's phone and saw some text messages between him and Adam. The texts were over the span of a week and included Adam telling Oldest Son to make dinner, clean up, make sure kids get to bed. Basically, Adam was having Oldest Son fill the role I had been in for 14 years as the stay-at-home parent. It was like seeing what was handed to me placed on my son that is so willing and ready to help and take the blame when he can't do everything. Adam wasn't just relying on Oldest Son during the work day, it was in the middle of the night as well, you know, so Adam could play shows.
Two texts stood out in an alarming way. The first was Oldest Son asking when Adam would be home. The reply was something about "on payday." Not a time but a day. The worst was Adam's "God damn it!" in response to Oldest Son not cleaning or cooking or something that is more an adult responsibility. I took a moment after reading the rest of the messages. Then I went to Oldest Son's room. I apologized and said it had dawned on me that he has a lot of responsibilities on him in both homes but not often does he get the opportunity to be a kid. I thanked him for doing what he could to help out this summer. I thanked him for being responsible and trustworthy.
Something else was brought to my attention last night. Well, a few somethings. First, Adam posted on Facebook about the concert and sitting behind us. His brother commented that he did his part to ruin the show for Gary and I by blocking the light whenever we tried to look at our programs. Adam mentioned his disgust with us being in front of him. Another person stated Gary must have been so nervous having Adam behind him. We weren't nervous, we saw the humor in the moment. And after reading the post I also saw the lack of insight Adam has because this post and all the comments were visible to the four oldest children on his friends' list. Adam can bad mouth me all he wants but he needs to recognize how harmful it is to do it around the children. He also needs to accept they are beginning to bond with Gary. This is not a person that will go away anytime soon. This is a person nurturing the children and when Adam makes his disgust so obvious that hurts the children.
The other fun little bits I learned: Adam is getting a motorcycle. Adam has a new tattoo. Adam is smoking.
Adam apparently is no longer all that hard up for money.
It was moderately awkward when we walked to our seats but I was happy to see the boys since it had been nearly a week (it was Adam's parenting time). Littlest leaned over and talked with Gary and he gave me a hug. The show was good. At the end of the show I was able to see all the children. Littlest glued himself to me. Gary took pictures of the performers which apparently reminded Adam that perhaps he should also take pictures of his own children. When it was time to leave, Adam directed the older kids to leave but didn't bother to allow them time to hug me or even say goodbye. I handed Littlest over when I realized what was going on. Adam said nothing, just took Littlest and walked away.
*Side note: my grandmother, an amazing woman that I loved dearly died the week before. I emailed Adam to let him know and my mom had also informed him. I didn't expect condolences but he never bothered to check how the children were handling this loss. His lack of compassion on how he handled that and then to not even let me say goodbye to the children this night shows how cold he is becoming.
Fast forward to last night. Adam's parenting time was extended the last week of summer break because I had training out of the area. I got the children back on Oldest Son's birthday around 9pm. We got home and did the birth story tradition. Around 10pm, Little One announces she was hungry and hadn't eaten dinner. I questioned everyone and learned Adam did not feed them. Oldest started to make an excuse for this lack of parenting. She said "Daddy got home late from soccer and we only just had time for birthday cake." I had to pull back her reasoning. I told her to look at the situation. He chose to stay late at the park. He also chose to not inform me leaving me unaware of the need. Oldest joked, "But you said parents only need to feed their kids once a day." Legally, yes this is true. Before I could form my response, Oldest Son said, "That's the minimum they need to do."
The sorrow in his voice went straight to my heart. Oldest Son is starting to see what I already know. I need the children to see their father for what he is but I sure do wish they didn't. I need them to not excuse him, I need them to not do what I did for 14 years. I wish this need didn't exist. I wish they could always believe and know he was a good guy with their best interest at heart. I wish but I'm realistic.
The next day was one of those moments that hit home even more what the children have to look forward to with Adam, and it came with a guilty conscience for me. I came home and the house was messy, the kids had spent their last day of summer break making messes and lounging. I lectured and chewed them out. Then I got hold of Oldest Son's phone and saw some text messages between him and Adam. The texts were over the span of a week and included Adam telling Oldest Son to make dinner, clean up, make sure kids get to bed. Basically, Adam was having Oldest Son fill the role I had been in for 14 years as the stay-at-home parent. It was like seeing what was handed to me placed on my son that is so willing and ready to help and take the blame when he can't do everything. Adam wasn't just relying on Oldest Son during the work day, it was in the middle of the night as well, you know, so Adam could play shows.
Two texts stood out in an alarming way. The first was Oldest Son asking when Adam would be home. The reply was something about "on payday." Not a time but a day. The worst was Adam's "God damn it!" in response to Oldest Son not cleaning or cooking or something that is more an adult responsibility. I took a moment after reading the rest of the messages. Then I went to Oldest Son's room. I apologized and said it had dawned on me that he has a lot of responsibilities on him in both homes but not often does he get the opportunity to be a kid. I thanked him for doing what he could to help out this summer. I thanked him for being responsible and trustworthy.
Something else was brought to my attention last night. Well, a few somethings. First, Adam posted on Facebook about the concert and sitting behind us. His brother commented that he did his part to ruin the show for Gary and I by blocking the light whenever we tried to look at our programs. Adam mentioned his disgust with us being in front of him. Another person stated Gary must have been so nervous having Adam behind him. We weren't nervous, we saw the humor in the moment. And after reading the post I also saw the lack of insight Adam has because this post and all the comments were visible to the four oldest children on his friends' list. Adam can bad mouth me all he wants but he needs to recognize how harmful it is to do it around the children. He also needs to accept they are beginning to bond with Gary. This is not a person that will go away anytime soon. This is a person nurturing the children and when Adam makes his disgust so obvious that hurts the children.
The other fun little bits I learned: Adam is getting a motorcycle. Adam has a new tattoo. Adam is smoking.
Adam apparently is no longer all that hard up for money.
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