Out like a lamb?

March 16, 2015

I saw the School posted something on Facebook about an informational meeting for dual enrollment. The kids have to attend if they want to participate and since it will be on Adam's night I sent him an email letting him know.

From Adam: "Ooh. I'll have to see if Spencer can watch the littles, but my intention is

to go. Thanks for letting me know, and thanks again for being polite. That

means a lot to me.

As far as the School bill you sent with the kids, I do want to pay it but

I'm honestly scraping. I have an enormous pile of debts that I'm working

through. I'm trying to work all the extra jobs I can, but it still seems

like it's never enough. My University class was cancelled so I have to find

another way to come up with the money. I just wanted you to know I'm not

ignoring you, just having trouble. I won't let them get disenrolled.

On that note, can you make sure to work with the kids on improving their

grades, and Littlest on his reading? I know divorce stuff and moving has been

hard on them but I don't want any of them to get left behind. They tell me

that you guys have started working on some stuff, and that you've set some

rules, and that seems like it's probably a good thing. I've been working

with helping Littlest put words together, but I have very limited time to do

it, and it seems like most of my time with them is spent cooking and doing

dishes.

You were always a very good mom to them, so I trust that you'll know the

specifics and particulars of what each of them need."

I think my head is going to explode form this one.  Is he really working all the extra jobs he can or only teaching jobs?  Pretty sure he isn't delivering pizzas and I hear they are hiring.  And who the (insert very explicit word) is he to tell me how to spend my time with the kids?!  Yes, I am a very good mom and I always have been!  I do know what they each need.  I also happen to be the one that got each of the kids reading in the first place!  And, and, and!  He has limited time when they are with him?!  REALLY??!!  He's busy cooking and doing dishes?!  Is he kidding me?!  What doe she think my time with them is like?  I don't have the cushy professor job he said would give him tons of extra time with kids.  I am a children services caseworker.  Some nights I get home after the littles are already in bed.  I cook, I wash dishes, I do laundry, I help with homework, I cut hair. I manage the house around seven little people.  And yet, I do not need him telling me how to spend those little moments of time that I treasure just cuddling or talking with my children.  I have never struggled with how to spend time with these guys.  He was the one that struggled and disengaged.  

March 17, 2015

The utility companies are really starting to get on my nerves.  I called back in October to have the accounts separated.  I asked that I be removed from all of the accounts associated with Adam's house and vice versa.  I asked that all the bills for my house be sent to me.  Is that a hard thing to do when you are a customer rep. for a utility company?  Apparently it is because today Adam forwarded me an email from the water company that a water bill for my house was past due.  I haven't received a bill since last quarter!  I called, and once again requested the contact info be me and only me.  The guy said he would send it on to a supervisor to make sure the change went through.  Luckily the bill was only $23.79.  I do have to wonder, if Adam got an e-bill for a past due does that mean he also got the actual e-bill?

March 19, 2015

Back in August, I asked Adam to transfer money into the joint account for the kids' school fees or pay it directly.  I had already purchased school clothes and supplies by that time so it was an even split.  He never paid.  If you recall, he actually used it as a pawn.  He said if I would sign and let him buy a house right around the corner then he would pay.  He also tried to get out of paying 50% of mandatory school fees when we went to court for the final divorce hearing.  Eventually he agreed to pay half of all required fees.
So that gets us to today.  I keep getting bill statements from the school.  I've made payments but there is still money owed.  I explained to Adam the the starting amounts and the current due.  We each should be paying $280 for the basic fees.  Oldest has an added $50 ($25 each) that needs to be paid.  I've paid $335 up to now.
Adam responded that he called ht school and I was wrong. "You had the correct amounts for each of the School fees, but you added the totals incorrectly which changes how much we each owe. I called School to verify what they were and what the current balance is. The total for all

the children's fees this year was $490. That divides into $245 for you and $245 for me. The school

shows a balance of $300 for all three kids.

I sent a check today to Stivers for $245, so please drop a check for $55

off to School to cover the remainder as soon as possible. "

I emailed back that the school left off a magnet fee fro Ms. Middle Child and the $50 for Oldest.  I left off the bit about how dare he tell me to pay as soon as possible when he was the one that waited 7 months!

March 22, 2015

I get two personal days off a year and took them during the children's spring break and attempted to schedule all the well visits and dental during those days.  I was only able to schedule four well visits.  Mr. Dentist was not available during spring break for dental cleanings.  Since Adam lives closer to his office, I was thinking he could be responsible for the dental visits and I will be responsible for well visits.  Dental cleanings are twice a year so I would also cover taking the children to vision screenings. I presented this to Adam and asked if this this arrangement would work for him.  He was simple in his reply, "No thanks."

No thanks?  No thanks? Okay, well what arrangement would allow him to participate in this part of parenting the children?  No reply.

March 23, 2015

When the kids got home from Adam's, I pulled Oldest into my room and asked if anything had happened that might have upset Adam.  She said no but he asked her the same thing about me.  Then he told her "Mommy was being nice and then all of a sudden was mean."  She said he then showed her the emails between us.  Um, how is that appropriate?  Anyway...Oldest told me she thought my messages all seemed very professional: brief and to the point.  She didn't see them as mean at all.  I asked if she told him that.  She said no.  And I don't blame her.  What child is going to tell her father he is wrong and is seeing something that isn't there?

March 28, 2015

Oldest Son and Oldest were talking to me about Spring Break and the little girls mentioned Adam getting them ice cream on Wednesday because of good grades.  I showed them the calendar and how the schedule will work out over the next few weeks.  I wanted to make sure Adam was also aware of how the next few weeks will go.  The regular schedule would have the children with him this Wednesday and then next weekend. However, holidays and breaks take priority over the weekend and weekday parenting times.  I have Spring Break and Easter weekend this year: this would typically be his weekend according to the every other weekend routine.  The routine does not get reset because of breaks and holidays so he does not have parenting time until Wednesday, April 15.  That's a long time for the kids to go without seeing him and a long time for him to go without spending time with the kids.  I know it would a big departure from the parenting agreement but I  offered time on Wednesday (since it sounds like plans were made) and some time on Easter weekend if he would like it(Friday to Saturday). I was pleasantly surprised that he took me up on the offer.  

A little later in the day he asked me, for th third or fourth time OMG, for the turbotax login info.  Is he not paying attention when I give him this info?  I gave it to him and he finished the tax return.  Great!  Except he then let me know he changed the log in info and will send me a copy of the return.  He also told me the amount of the refunds.  Okay, great.  Except that little part about changing the log in info/  That means I can't review or see the return until he gives it to me.  And the fact that he already submitted the return means he did so by signing my name (or SSN as turbotax does).  Does this seem like a huge boundary violation and something the IRS might frown upon?  Am I just being picky?  And I would like to point out that after entering my portion there was $6595 for a federal return and after Adam entered his it dropped to $2200.  He told me he didn't have taxes taken out when he changed jobs.  Lovely, so I just lost money paying his income taxes.  

I asked if he had the info for City taxes.  He said that wasn't an option on Turbotax and could be answered tomorrow.  Did he forget that he filed the City taxes last year?  He knows how to do it.  I guess he forgot that it is a paper form.  I would do the city taxes but he is the keeper off all the info.  

March 29, 2015

Oldest Son has his first (group) date tomorrow.  He asked if I had some cash for him to use to buy the girl something to eat.  I hated it but I told him no, I don't have the money.  I explained to him that I am going on two months without spousal support.  He came back about an hour later asking if I could buy him a new shirt.  I once again mentioned the spousal support.  I went on to explain that when Adam told the court he couldn't afford to pay the child support and spousal support amounts he had been ordered to pay, I came with the bare minimum amounts I could accept and still make ends meet. Those were the numbers the court used.  I have now gone two months without some of that money.  The Support Enforcement Agency shows he has an arrearage of $3600.  That is money that has still been paid out for bills, food, and gas.  That was me taking money from savings to make sure things got paid.  That is me wondering when will he pay? All while he takes the kids to The Pub for lunch (easily $70) or buys tickets to concerts.  

Adam appreciates me being nice

March 3, 2015

Tomorrow Adam has the appointment with the notary.  He said, plan to meet as close to 1PM as I can, at Key Bank. He'll also bring the van title and get that notarized to give back to me.  That only took him a month! He added "I'll be leaving from there to pick up the kids from school, so the earlier you can make it the better."  

March 4, 2015

I had a colleague/friend go with me to the bank.  I did not want to go alone and risk having Adam talking to me.  I'm sure he would come off as friendly and I wouldn't be in any danger but the physical reactions I have to being around him are panic.  We got to the bank at at 1:10pm.  I found the notary and he said Adam had scheduled for 1:15pm.  Adam wasn't there.  He didn't get there until 1:23pm.  He walked in and looked at me and my friend and was instantly grumpy faced.  My friend was the one that called it (after we left).  We got the forms signed and notarized.  As Adam was signing he asked the notary what the date was.  Um, try, our daughter's birthday.  Not a hard date to remember.  He didn't say a word to me during the signing.  

March 10, 2015

Can I believe that we have found a groove with cooperative communication?  Let's see.  

I emailed Adam: "I will be out of town for training on May 14 and 15.  If I marked my calendar correctly, that leads up to one of your weekends.  Would you be able to keep them from Wednesday (also your day) straight through until Monday?  If I marked my calendar wrong, can you keep them from Wednesday 13 starting at night until Friday 15 at night?

Also, thank you for getting Little Girl's birthday stuff back.  I bought a big girl puzzle for her so she and I could have some special time together.  She said she opened it at your house and dumped the pieces out.  Can you look for 3-4 edges pieces?"

Adam's response: "I'll look at my calendar when I'm not in the move today and get back to you soon, but probably.  It's cute that you guys are doing puzzles together. :) I like it. I know that their one on one time with you is really important to all of them. I just cleaned the upstairs and I saw some pieces and put them in a basket.  I'll bring them over next time j swing by your area. 

Good luck with selling the house. I saw that it was up for sale and the pictures look beautiful. You've done a really good job getting it prepped. I'm sad because I still really want that house, but I wish you luck because I know it will make things easier for you. 

Take care and thanks for the nice email,

Adam "

..."Yes. I checked my calendar, and my parenting schedule that week matches what you had said. I can keep the kids from May 13th through the morning of Monday, May 18th. 

Thanks for giving me the advance notice. :)

Adam" 

Sounds nice, right?  Humour me while I dissect for a bit. 

* In my email I thanked him for getting the birthday gifts back to my house and left out the part about him being incredibly disrespectful for taking the children to my (yes and their) home on Wednesday afternoons when I am not home and having the children remove things from the house.  Those gifts never should have left my house unless I authorized it.  And he shouldn't be taking the kids to the house!  While they were at the house they let the dog out of the mudroom.  What if there had been a showing and the dog attacked someone or got outside?  Nevermind the fact that he pooped in the dancing room while loose.  

*Those darn smiley faces using punctuation!  He can stop already.

*I know that one on one time is important too, jackass.  That's why it was so upsetting when you left and I had to start working full time.  That's why I resent him for sending the kids off on weekends or he just sits on his computer instead of actually engaging with his children.  If he doesn't want the time why did he take it?!

*"Nice email" and "Advance notice"  that's called doing what I have done since you left, jackass.  I'm doing nothing new here.  

A long and boring end to February

Feb. 23, 2015

Another snow day for the kids.  Adam was nice and emailed me that they were at my house as of 7:30am: he sent the message at 8:09am.  Luckily, I was home when they got dropped off so i already knew they were home.  I took this opportunity to remind Adam that if the children do not have school on Mondays his parenting time goes until 6pm.  He replied with a "?"  If he took the time to read the parenting agreement he would know this stuff.  Since he seems incapable of reading the document on his own I read it for him and summarized: The parenting orders state that if the children do not have school on Monday, your parenting time is extended to 6pm.  Apparently that was clearer.  He told me he thought that rule only applied to holidays.  Well, that would be an example of Adam adding meaning to things because the parenting agreement does not say "only on holidays."  So emailed that he planned on going and picking the kids up.  Good.
Then I asked if he would be available to keep the kids overnight on Friday.  The whole right of first refusal thing states I have to ask him before I ask mom.  I'll wait on pins and needles for his response.  (sarcasm)

Feb. 24, 2015

Got my answer! I 'd like to but I'm not able to this weekend. Sorry. :(  <<<These little faces that he adds to emails annoy me.  I would do this if I was on friendly terms with someone.  That's not the case here.

Then he wrote he just learned that he needs to have me execute a quit claim deed and have it notarized and recorded at the county auditor's office. Unfortunately, Wells Fargo is not giving him a lot of time to get this together so he needs to have it done as soon as possible. He asked what would be the very easiest way for him to help me to accomplish this? He doesn't mind doing the leg work if it gets it signed sooner and back to Wells Fargo.

He was "nice" and added that I'll also have to have him do a quit claim deed to release his claim on this house so I can sell it. Please advise.

Please advise?  What the heck kind of statement is that?  First he adds a sad face then "please advise?"  

I got back to him letting him know my schedule fills up quickly  and if he would like to suggest a date and time I would look to see if I was free.  He asked if I was available this week.  He wants it done tomorrow afternoon, or Thursday morning, or Friday.  Interstingly, he added that there are only two meetings he cannot change on his end: Wed from 10-11:30am and Thurs 230-330pm.  Why do I fond this interesting?  Didn't he throw a mini tantrum about having the kids after school on Wednesdays because he had a meeting at that time?  Um, where in this new list does he have a mandatory unmoveable meeting at 2pm?  Nowhere!

It turns out my calendar is booked for this week.  

He wrote: We can do this anywhere in front of a notary to sign the document. If you have a notary at your workplace we could use him or her, or any of the notaries at the administration office if you'd prefer to be there when the document is recorded. I'm not sure what other places employ notaries, but I am open to suggestions. 

If there's a place that is more convenient for you, I'll do that. I'd like to make it as easy as possible for you so I can get the document signed quickly and keep Wells Fargo from foreclosing on the house. Next week my schedule is similar to this one, but I am also unavailable Tuesday 2:30 - 3:30.

I like how he isn't passive in this process that has a benefit to him.  

I replied: I think it would be unethical to use a colleague to notarize a personal document during work hours.  I do get a 30 min lunch so if there is a bank in the town I work, with a notary that you can schedule with around 1:15pm next Wednesday, I can add it to my planner.

Can you explain how filing a quit claim keeps the home from getting foreclosed on?  I don't know how that works.

He actually wrote something useful as a response! "Those arrangements are fine, I will set that up. 

For info: I have applied for homeowner protection from Wells Fargo, which is why you were sent information about it in the mail, as one of the people on the mortgage. My home preservation specialist  has been working with me on getting all of the needed information to be able to apply for one of their preservation options. I have provided him with all my financial information and the application packet, but they need additional documentation ASAP in order to forward it to their underwriters. 

The options they provide are a.) loan modification (to keep the home), b.) short sale, or c.) deed in lieu of foreclosure. Each of these is much better on our credit than a full foreclosure. I was given until February 8th to provide the needed documentation, which included our signed divorce decree and a quit claim deed stating that you no longer have legal stake in the property. Since the divorce decree was not finished by then, my application timeline expired and the foreclosure clock began counting down again. I applied again the other day when I got the divorce decree in the mail in order to forestall foreclosure (because the mortgage is several months behind), but I don't yet have the quit claim deed to send to them. This is why it's urgent that I get this done as soon as possible. If I don't, the bank will initiate a foreclosure, and then all of the other options that could keep from damaging our credit scores will be off the table. We've already received a pre-foreclosure letter, so every day counts. 

Does this all make sense? I hate that I need to bother you for this, and if I was able to just take care of things myself I would leave you alone about it. "  

I would like to point out that Adam knew he needed the quit claim by 2/8 but did not ask me until 2/23.  Then it was urgent!  Rush!  Now!  I also like how it will ruin "our" credit.  Nice.  Um, I am held free and clear of anything related to the house, per the divorce decree.  Sure, my credit might take a hit and I might need to write a bunch of letters and provide documentation but I bet I could get my credit fixed.  I also find it funny that way back a year ago, he claimed he was worried I would screw his credit.  Here he is screwing mine.  

Feb. 25, 2015

This was from me to Adam: I received the bill from Children's Hospital for Ms. Middle Child.  Please see the attachment for the breakdown of amounts paid and due. It shows that I already paid the $75 copay, you will need to reimburse me 65% of that amount which is $48.75.  The insurance was billed and paid their portion leaving $125.00 for us to pay.  I will pay 35% ($43.75) and you will have the remaining 65% ($81.25).  This bill is due 3/3/15.  Invoice number to reference on payment 10****53.  Payment can be made online at (insert url here) or mailed to (insert address here).

The therapist cannot accept a partial payment from me for the weekly copays.  I have set up to pay him on a monthly basis.  The copay is $20 a week and he has requested to see her weekly.  As I mentioned previously, this comes to $7/wk paid by me and $13/wk paid by you.  I will send you a copy of the invoice when I get it.  I understand that you were not expecting the hospital bill so I don't expect you to reimburse me any sooner than the bill due date of 3/3/15.  For the therapist bill, I will expect to be reimbursed three days from the email containing the invoice.  

Please contact all your utility companies and verify the bills are only in your name and the billing address is correct.  I just received a disconnect notice from Vectren for the your house.  I called to verify the account information and to ask that I be removed.  She stated the billing address is my home and I was listed as your spouse, I was unable to change it and told you will need to call.  The bill shows a pass due amount of $95.98 and current charges of $78.14, total due $174.12 by 3/2/15.  Disconnect is scheduled for 3/3/15.  I will send the bill with the children but it will not arrive before the bill and disconnect dates.  If you would like to pick it up prior to your next parenting time, 3/4/15, please schedule a time to come by.  

Feb. 27, 2015

He replied: 

- Attached is the quit claim deed to sign. I'll set up a notary appointment next Wednesday 

- Please provide me all of the details relevant to Ms. Middle Child's medical care. I am in the dark about it since I wasn't consulted

- I called Vectren and fixed the issue and made sure the address was right

Cue me biting my tongue a smidge.  He was left in the dark and not consulted about his child's self harming?  Really?  REALLY?!  Screw him.

Cue me replying more politely.  I gave him the name of the therapist and the office number.  he can get himself out of the dark.  I gave him a flashlight in the beginning and he threw it away.  

Later, he emailed that the school tried to call me.  He said to call them.  Well, duh.  I checked my phone and it didn't show any missed calls.  I called the school and found out they had no buses.  I took the rest of the day off so I could get the children.  I drove there and was told Adam had already picked them up.  I sent him an email thanking him for trying to help.  If similar circumstances happen again, I asked he please call me so I know what is going on.  If I am I unreachable by cell phone, I added he can call my work number. 

The disgruntled part of me wanted to add, if you knew there was no bussing why didn't you add that in the email?  If you were just going to pick them up 20 minutes after emailing me why didn't you email that?!  Why not communicate with me?!

By the way, when I got to the school, they teacher that had called me tried calling again and her phone had an automatic message saying my number was disconnected.  I said, no, I was just using it.  She called again and it went through.  Weird.  

I dislike him

Feb. 16, 2015

Oldest Son asked Adam if he was going to have them today, and Adam told him no not

realizing today was President's Day. Adam told me if I already planned something with the children,  I can continue to have them today. If not, he can come pick them up from the house. Let me know what you prefer. Here's the confusing thing, page three of the parenting agreement states he has the children today but the standard orders that are attached to the end of the orders states I

 have them today.  If we go by page three, he forfeited his time as of 9:30am but it also means he gets them for Thanksgiving two years in a row.  I am willing to compromise and he can pick them up today if he agrees that I get them for Thanksgiving in odd years and he gets them for even years.  Sounds fair doesn't it?  Adam admitted it was confusing but he also admitted he was not in favor of changing the Thanksgiving part of the agreement yet, mostly because it's a big departure from the order. He isn't opposed to the idea in principle, he just don't want to get into

bargaining and trading things away outside the constraints of the order. He added that he misses the kids, but he'll just plan to pick them up on Wednesday during his normal parenting time.  I know this is a difference in opinion but if it were me and I was being offered time with my kids i would jump on it.  He misses them but will wait, what if they miss him and would like to spend the day with him?  I guess he is only thinking about him.  If that is how he chooses to do things fine, I'll leave my opinion to myself.

I emailed him later in the day that I just purchased Oldest Son's ticket to Wicked.  The total cost was $49; your half is $24.50.  Please add this to the $84.50 for Ms. Middle Child's psychological copays.  I will expect reimbursement by end of week.  

Yeah, I got snippy.  I was short in my response and if he reads some aggression behind my words he would be right.

Feb. 17, 2015

I got a response from Adam concerning the reimbursement.  "Last month, I paid a number of medical bills and co-pays totaling somewhere in the $250 - 290 range. This will change your totals if we are starting from when the temporary order was filed. If, however you want to start the medical co-pay arrangement fresh from charges incurred in February, we can do that also. Either way I'll need you to please scan receipts to substantiate each of the expenses and I'll send a check through USAA given a reasonable amount of time to process and verify the information. 

Please advise on which way you'd prefer. 

Will you also be giving me a check for the ~$450 total from DP&L and delivering the white iPhone I'm still paying on? I expect both of those ASAP."

WTF?!  He didn't take the children to any medical appointments!  If by some slim chance he did, he is in contempt for not telling me and if he had to pay for those visits that means it wasn't for a well visit and I should most definitely know!  I'm not denying he paid some money but most likely it was for specialty appointments the children had months ago.  I already paid my portion of those visits, when I took the kids or mom took them.  And I am not wanting to total things from when the temp order went into place but from when the actual divorce was finalized.  And I take a huge offense at him insinuating that I am lying about these costs and he will send a check in a reasonable amount of time after he can verify the information.  Bite me, asshat!  I don't get the option to pay when I feel like it!  I pay when the bills come in or when the kids need to receive care.  I haven't lied about those things.  

I will not be paying him any money until he can verify that there is money in the DP&L account that he paid.  I show I paid my bills, not him.  Instead of huffing about it all in my response I simply wrote: "I was only counting medical charges starting from January when the parenting orders were created. I will make photocopies of all receipts. I haven't had time to verify with DP&L that any money was credited to my account that I did not pay.  Feel free to give them my work number and have them call me. You did not request the white phone be returned to you when "personal items" were discussed in court. "

This message was received and he responded: "No, I did not remember to include it. However, I am still having to pay payments on the phone to T-Mobile which increases my phone bill each month. You submitted a financial affidavit which claimed that you had to pay somewhere around $247 for the T-mobile phone bill each month, which would have included your payment on your iPhone. As it is now, you stuck me with the bill and kept the phone. This is both dishonest and aggressive. If you would like to pay the remainder of the balance on your phone, then I will not require the phone back."

I think he needs to read that financial affidavit closer.  I was neither dishonest not aggressive.  The affidavit asked that I list the household costs.  It went on to require me to estimate a bill amount if I was not the one currently paying it.  I based the $247 on what we paid before Adam moved out.  I estimated.  i also gave credit to him as the person covering that bill.  Adam is the one that provided his home budget and what he thought mine was, to the court.  

Feb. 19, 2015

There was a snow day today.  The parenting agreement has stated that Adam will take the kids to school unless there is no school, then he will keep them until 6pm, on Mondays, or return them to me by 7:30am.  He waited until 7:28am to send me the message: The kids' school was cancelled this morning because of cold / unsafe driving conditions. I'll drop them off back at your house when it's safe to do so. 

What I find interesting about his email is he states why school was cancelled.  Have you ever seen how school closings are announced?  It's a scrolling message on the news.  He is assuming it was cold and unsafe driving.  Well, since I drove to work I can say the roads were perfectly fine.  

Look up "parentification"

Feb. 3, 2015

Oldest told me she is pissed at Adam.  I asked why.  She said it was because kid from school have asked how Ms. Middle Child is doing but Adam hasn't.  Oldest said she is pissed at him for not caring when kids that don't even know Ms. Middle child care.  I told her I hate that she is aware of his lack of caring but I am also a little relieved that she is aware.
I still haven't heard anything from Adam.  Apparently he did contact Oldest Son asking how she was doing.  I guess it is okay for Adam to use the children to inquire about the other children but it is wrong of me to use them to ask him to contact me.  How does that work?  Oh yeah, cause he plays by two sets of rules.

I did get an email from Adam, it was a forward of an e-bill.

I emailed him "You never informed me whether you would be taking the children to the dental appointments you scheduled.  Mom will need to know if she is getting them from the bus.  I would also appreciate knowing who will be picking them up after school tomorrow.

 Ms. Middle Child has a doctor's appointment on Friday at 5pm.  I will bring her to your house when it is over unless you would rather pick her up from the appointment. 

If you have any questions I will be in the office later this morning. "  

I got the following response: "I never scheduled the kids for any dental appointments, you assumed I did. I told the dental clinic to contact you to manage their appointments because you have primary physical custody. You can call them to verify this. By the way, my dental insurance is Delta Dental of Ohio, not Anthem / Empire / Blue Cross. The vision plan is VSP.

I'm picking the kids up from school tomorrow because you haven't changed the pickup time back to how it was working.

Bring Ms. Middle Child to my house when she's done with her appointment. 

Have your lawyer send the divorce paperwork back to my lawyer. It's been almost a month. Wells Fargo needs a divorce decree ASAP or you and I both will have a foreclosure on our credit.

It's grossly inappropriate to use the kids to pass messages to me or get them involved in arguments between you and I. Look up "parentification." Also look up "parallel parenting." The kids need the freedom to just be kids and to not be involved in hostility between their parents.

Just so I'm clear about it: My policy is that I'm refusing to respond to hostile, hateful, accusing, aggressive, or baiting messages, so don't send those types of messages if you want a response from me. I am not interested in keeping any type of fight going. I'd rather have no contact with you than to have the high-conflict exchanges we've been having. If you ever haven't gotten a response from me, or don't get a response from me in the future, assume that I considered one or more of your e-mails or actions aggressive and will not respond. If you would like a better way to communicate, there is a website called ourfamilywizard.com that will allow us and the kids to keep shared information and communicate without allowing hostile exchanges. I can't afford it right now, but it may be a good resource for the future.

*I will let you, the reader, hypothetically respond to this email from Adam.  My initial response was an email to my attorney.  His response was that the papers were sent back to Adam's attorney last week and "His response is unfortunate."  I bit my tongue, nearly off, and simply responded back to Adam that his attorney was given the papers on 1/21/15.  He did not apologize but did say thanks.

Feb. 4, 2015

The children are at Adam's.  I got a text from Oldest Son.  Ms. Middle Child is planning on inviting her friend, Jay, over for a sleepover.  Oldest Son wants to know what to do.  I asked if he talked to Adam about his concerns.  Oldest Son said he had talked to Adam.  Oldest Son and Oldest will just go to another friend's house.

*Back story for this entry.  Ms. Middle Child's friend, Jay, has Oldest Son "creeped out."  She takes photos of him at school.  We also found texts on Ms. Middle Child's phone from Jay asking for semi nude pictures of Oldest Son.  She also texted, "I want to rape your brother."  Ms. Middle Child has had Jay over to Adam's before.  During that visit she would sneak photos of Oldest Son from around corners or from the second story of the house.

Feb. 6, 2015

I had a family meeting with the kids about Oldest Son's concern.  Ms. Middle Child thinks it is unfair that we are asking her to not invite Jay over.  I asked how she would feel if we invited her bully over.  She said Oldest Son can just stay in his room.  I told her he shouldn't have to hide and he shouldn't feel unsafe in his own home.  I asked that she respect him and try to understand his concern.  She was, to put it lightly, resistant.  I asked Oldest Son what Adam had said when he talked to him about it.  Oldest Son said Ms. Middle Child and Adam were planning a sleepover when Oldest Son asked that Jay not be invited.  he listed his reasons and Adam replied, "Awe, Oldest Son was a stalker."  I asked Oldest Son how that made him feel.  He said he felt like daddy was brushing his concerns aside.  I said it did sound that way.  Later, I pulled Oldest and Oldest Son into another room and told them if they ever felt unsafe for any reason, they can call me.  If they ultimately want to go to another friend's house, fine, but they call me and I will come get them.  I followed this up with an email to Adam telling him of the situation and I told him, yes, I told him do not brush these concerns aside.  

Feb. 11, 2015

Adam sent me another email but not about Ms. Middle Child.  He asked for the log in info for TurboTax.  I replied that it was the same as last year unless he changed it when he filed.

I also sent him this: The copays for Ms. Middle Child’s appointments over the last three weeks total $130 (Pediatrician copay $20, ER copay $70, therapy copay x2- $20).  I have covered these copays in full.  According to the child support orders, all fees associated with psychological care are split along the 65%/35% and do not require me to cover the first $100.  Your portion, up to now, is $84.50.  She will be seeing the therapist once a week and the copays are $20.  You are responsible for $13 of that amount.  Would you like to pay that directly to the therapist’s office or reimburse me each week?

Feb. 12 2015

Adam responded to that last email that he will pay the therapist directly and said to have the therapist bill him.  Wouldn't that mean me talking to someone on his behalf.  Didn't he say not to do that just a few days ago?   I asked how he would like to handle the amount I already paid. No response as of yet.

I would just like to add: he is an asshat.  

They will always have me

Jan. 29, 2015

There are moments in parenting that I wish I never had to live through.  Today was one of those.  It would have sucked if Adam and I were happily married and it would have sucked if we were in a cooperative co-parenting relationship.  It was difficult and nothing would have changed it...for me.

I do random checks of the kids phones.  I check what they are googling and I scan text messages.  I figure it is the kind of thing s responsible parent does in this day and age.  I also figure it is the kind of thing a responsible parent does when they have a child like Ms. Middle Child, a child that has already shown a lack of control or concern for internet safety.

Well, tonight I found the kid of things a parent dreads finding.  There were texts (not sexting) to men.  She was on dating websites. She was also discussing self harming and suicidal thoughts.  Working in my line of work I take this seriously, very seriously.  Since Adam asked that I never contact him again and blocked me, I asked Oldest Son to text him letting him know I needed to talk to him about Ms. Middle Child.  Adam responded that it was not Oldest Son's job to pass messages, his job was to be a kid.  He added that Ms. Middle Child would be fine and don't worry.  he said all this not knowing what was going on.  Oldest Son let Adam know Ms. Middle Child had her phone taken away.  Adam said he would text her.  He isn't paying attention!

Adam did not contact me.  He did not call, text, email, or come by the house.  He did nothing.  And since I had Ms. Middle Child's phone I can also say he did not try to contact her either.

Oldest, Oldest Son, and myself spent the night in the living watching Ms. Middle Child.  We were all scared she would do something.  It was a sleepless night.

Jan. 30, 2015

After some thinking, I emailed Adam.  I gave him the opportunity to reach out and he didn't so screw his "Don't ever contact me" comment.  Ms. Middle Child and I stayed home.  I took a sick day and scheduled a visit with the pediatrician.  The elementary school called me (Ms. Middle Child's previous school) first thing in the morning saying they had gotten reports from students that she was going to commit suicide and was home alone.  I got another call from Ms. Middle Child's school with similar info.  I let them know I was with her and we had a doctor's appointment.  I emailed all this info to Adam.  I let him know the time of the appointment: I figured he could come if he wanted.  I got no response.

Fast forward to the appointment.  I saw cuts all over my child's arms and legs.  I saw a child that thought it was no big deal and refused to talk.  The pediatrician sent us directly for a psych eval.  I really said screw it to Adam's no contact and asked Ms. Middle Child if she knew his phone number.  I called and it went straight to voicemail-he had blocked my calls.  I left a message letting him know what was going on.  I gave him the number of where we were going.  I asked that he either relieve mom of the other children or come to the hospital.  He did neither.  He also did not call, text, or email.  So I sat with my child, scared of how I would help her through this.  Wondering what she was thinking knowing her father wasn't there.  I watched her get checked for weapons and this sweet little girl clueless as to why they thought she would have a weapon.  I sat holding her hand as she cried through the evaluation not knowing how to answer the questions, feeling ashamed and in trouble.  I held her and told her I wished my mommy kisses and hugs could fix it all.  I held her hand and said I would be with her.  I wanted her to know I would be there and love her every step of the way and nothing she had admitted to, or written down would change that.

I don't need Adam here for me, I need him here for her.  I need him to get his head out of his ass and drop the pity party so he can be there for this child.

January 30, 2015

Dear Mr. Attorney,

Disclaimer- if the information I provide in this email is not important to let you know please tell me. 

I took my 11 yr old to her pediatrician yesterday to discuss self harming and other mental health concerns.  I made Adam aware of the issue the night prior.  I then emailed him the time of the appointment as soon as it was scheduled.  He received the messages and replied, "thanks."  Our daughter was sent from the pediatrician directly to Liberty Campus Psych for an evaluation.  I called Adam directly and left a voicemail informing him of what was going on.  He did not call back, he did not email, he did not text.  He did not come to the hospital.  He was not there at all.  He was told his daughter is cutting herself and was being set to the hospital and he did nothing.  He is not a parent.  He is many things that are inappropriate to say or type but he is not a parent.  How much of this type of behavior along with him putting gauges in kids' ears do I put up with before I file for full custody? 

Mr. Attorney responded that these matters were very concerning and to schedule a meeting with him ASAP to discuss going back to court for custody.  

His perception and my perception = A tale of two worlds

Jan. 23, 2015 continued

Adam's response to me explaining that I was trying to be helpful deserves its very own post because it is one of those defining moments.  At least I thought so as did my coworker that was with me at the time I received the message.

Adam: I need to address this.  I think you an I should have a sit down talk about autonomy in divorce.  For some reason I don't understand, you are feeling the need to use all these little legal angles you come across to keep control of me in small ways.  It's weird to keep doing that nearly a year later and especially given the particular circumstances of our split.  The kids see all this as well.  It's not just hurtful to me.
You've made my life plenty difficult this past year, and you've cost me thousands of dollars and caused way more heartache that I can even tell you about.  If you want to talk about why you're still angry, then let's talk about it and I'll hear you out, but please stop doing this.
If we modify the agreement from picking up kids at 1pm on Wednesday to 6pm on my Wednesday then the child support should not increase.  This was simply an error in the parenting agreement my lawyer drafted that I didn't catch.  It makes it so I can't teach classes or schedule meetings Wednesdays.  I don't have anyone that can pick up the kids except for your mom (whom I let live rent free and i paid her phone bill for years). Think about this and get back to me.

I wanted to say so much to this incredibly offense, demeaning, and ludicrous message.  But I held my tongue just slightly.

Me: Mom worked in the home and provided childcare.  It wasn't a simple hand out.  And for quite a while she was paying us the cash for her phone.
The time for thinking and negotiating is over.  Do not blame me.  I was not the one that took a passive approach.  I offered multiple times to sit down and speak with you and you declined.  I appreciate your efforts trying to discuss things with me, but I want to let you know that I don't feel comfortable talking with you after everything that has happened.
Best wishes on finding a solution to you parenting time dilemma.  If you have anything that directly relates to the children that I need to be informed about please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Adam: Leave me the fuck alone.  I don't want you to contact me anymore.

And then you blocked me from contacting him.

If saying something like that, and using the very words he used on me, has pissed him off this much then I was right to not agree to sitting down to talk with him.  He can't control himself and I still don't feel safe around him.  I don't even feel safe getting messages from him because as was just shown, he still attacks.  I hate to admit it, but I still get mini anxiety attacks when I see a message from him.  I start to shake, my heart rate increases, yep panic.  Why?  Because I lived with his abuse for years and it hurt.  It will stay with me forever.  He can never fix that but he sure as hell can make it worse.

In Hindsight

Jan. 15, 2015

The work day was coming to a close when I got a text from a friend asking if I would be at the choir recital.  I had no idea there was a recital.  I asked what time it started and was told I had about 90 minutes.  I had just pulled up in front of a client's house and knew it would take at least an hour for the meeting.  Luckily, the friend was on top of things and went to my house and got Ms. Middle Child ready and to the school.  I texted Adam letting him know I was far away and the recital was soon.  I added that I didn't know about the recital and wasn't sure if he knew.  He texted back that he was headed there.  I finished my meeting and raced to the school.
I got to the recital before Adam.
Ms. Middle Child later told me she had told Adam but he told her he had a lot of things to do and wouldn't be coming.  That poor child thought neither parent would be there.  I cannot imagine 1. How she must have felt at her first performance without a mommy or daddy hug and a "Good luck," 2. How she must have felt being told by her father that she wasn't a top priority.

Jan. 16, 2015

The day started by my asking about the parenting schedule.  I finally saw the agreement and realized I had goofed.  I asked if he wanted a day off to make up for having an extra day.  I also said it looked like he had MLK from 9am-9pm.  We basically figured things out, basically.  Adam said the only issue was his parenting time every other Wednesday that started at the end of the school day.  He said he didn't yet know how that was going to be workable because he was committed to meetings each Wednesday afternoon.  He asked if I had a reason that picking them up from school was included in the agreement.  He obviously wasn't paying attention when I told him I didn't write that schedule but his attorney did.  I told him I wasn't the one that required the pick up.  He said he wasn't either and he was happy with the 6pm pick up.  Maybe he should have mentioned that AT COURT!

I did not continue the earlier conversation but when I got home the younger girls had trophies for 4.0s so I texted Adam a picture of them holding the trophies.  I also added that I got the mortgage interest statement for both houses and asked if he wanted me to start entering info into  for the tax return or just give him the documents. He said to go ahead and enter the info.  He also said to enter anything I can to for deductions.
Adam said "Also if it was my attorney that wrote the agreement, then I'm sorry for griping at you.  I thought you had tried to spring all the changes on me for some unknown reason, which was frustrating to me.  Divorce day was the first time I'd seen it and I was very irritated, especially when I felt like you'd been making progress with being nicer."
I reminded him that I already told him his attorney wrote it.  The day of the divorce was my first day seeing it all as well.  His attorney was suppose to write the divorce decree prior to that day as well.  Adam's response was, "Shoulda called Saul."  No asshat, you shouldn't have been passive with the process.  You should have been talking to your attorney.  You, not anyone else.  You are to blame.  And joking about it is immature.

Jan. 17, 2015

I reminded Adam in a text that he is responsible for 1/2 the school fees, $280.  I have $40 left to pay on my half.  I also let him know Oldest Son needs to see a professional performance for his Theatre magnet.  I picked Wicked because he has wanted to see that since he was like 7.  I let Adam know I would get the cheapest seat possible.  I'll let him know his portion after the ticket is purchased.

Jan. 21, 2015

Adam will be picking the kids up after school this week.  I called the school to let them know.  I let Adam know and he said he won't be able to pick the kids up until after 6pm on his Wednesdays.

Jan. 22, 2015

I asked if Adam had someone in mind that could pick the kids up.

Jan. 23, 2015

He said, "No," to that question posed yesterday. I asked that he let me know when he came up with someone and I would fill out the paperwork at the school.  I thought this was helpful, apparently I was wrong because he responded with," My recommendation is that we modify the parenting agreement so it has us carrying out the 6pm pick up schedule that we had for my Wednesdays and Fridays.  Also, please don't speak on my behalf to the school or anywhere else.  I explicitly do not permit it.  That actually is pretty offensive to me. "  I said I was trying to help and didn't mean to be offensive.  I said if we modify the agreement the support will increase because the deviation was based on adam having the children more often.

He did not respond.  I would have continued my own response but I know better.  What he is saying is he has work and doesn't want to inconvenience himself with figuring out how to be responsible for the children until he is off work.  he wants to transfer the problem to me.  No.  I figure out childcare the majority of the time he can do it for one day every other week.

Passively Picking Parenting

Jan. 12, 2015

Oldest stayed home sick today.  She started the day with Adam and he dropped her off at my house.

Later that day he texted to say he needed me to return my iPhone to him so he could pay off the debt.  I ignored the request.  The phone was purchased for me use.  He then shut the service off in the middle of the day even though the court order stated he could not do so.  He shut my phone off, the kids, and mom's phone.  He left the kids and mom with no way to contact anyone and he didn't even think to call ahead of time and say he was doing it.

When I got home from work I discovered more of Adam's mail had been delivered to me.  It was a Borrower Counseling information packet from Wells Fargo.  I texted that he might want to change his address.  He said they had the correct address.  He said I was getting it because I was a co-borrower and he is working on a home preservation plan.  He said I didn't need to fill anything out because it was just for him.  I wonder if this home preservation plan will be screwing my credit?

He also said that since the ruling on the divorce was final he would be removing insurance on the van effective tomorrow.  It was nice of him to warn me first.  However, it isn't really final until his attorney writes up the decree, we sign, and it gets filed with the court.

Jan. 13, 2015

I texted this to Adam:  In an effort to keep you in the loop and informed about what is going on with the children- they were introduced to Gary last night.
I thought this was appropriate.  As their father, he needs to know if the children will be around another adult on a regular basis.  He needs to know that if Littlest says, "Gary kicked me," that Gary is an adult and not a little kid.  I feel it also allows Adam the ability to talk to the kids about changes and to check in on their feelings.  He has not returned the favor, ever.  His response to me telling him about the meeting was to text a cartoon of a fat man puking.  Mature parenting at its finest.

Tonight he sent a text stating he had made three payments to DPL for his house electric bill but for some reason when they closed the account (why is the account getting closed?) for some reason they continued to take the payments and credited my DPL account. Hmm, I called them months ago and asked that the my name be removed and there be no connection between the accounts.  Adam ended the text with "Why didn't you let me know you were receiving my power bill payments?"  I said it was because I didn't know.  Why did it take him three months to realize his payments weren't going to his account?  Why am I responsible for him not paying attention?
Adam said he really needed that money.  DPL won't refund him the money without my authorization.  he doesn't even know why he thought it would be worth asking but he would like the money applied to the bill it was intended for.  I think it should go to that bill too.  How dare he insinuate that I wouldn't return the money.  I don't recall keeping his money form him at any point.  In fact, didn't I let him know I found a $300+ signed check?

I opted to change topics.  I thanked him for finally returning my personal items.  I was able to post some pictures on FB of family members that have died in the last few years.  It meant a lot to my grandma and aunts.  I also found the title to the van.  I told him he needs to have it notarized to transfer it to me.  He texted that I can just take it to a notary because it is for my signature on the odometer certification.  He said to ask them and see what they say.  This next part felt great:  I told him I was a notary and I didn't need to ask.  He said, Oh.  Neat? I didn't know that.  He doesn't know a lot.
He said he didn't mean to be a dick to me.  He said he has a *lot* of resentment.  He said, "You're just trying to protect yourself and look out for your interests, I know."  Yet more he doesn't know.  I am looking out for our children's interests.  I am trying to protect my ability to provide for them while i build a career.  Adam is the one only focused on himself and his interests.  And what does he resent?  Me standing up for myself?  Me deciding to get therapy because I was raped by my husband?  Me saying yes to opening the marriage?

More changing of topics:  The kids asked what the parenting schedule would be.  Since that came from Adam and his attorney I asked him.  He said he didn't write anything with his attorney.  He said he was "mostly passive throughout the process."  The attorney told Adam that my attorney had requested parenting time every other Wednesday but Adam would get a sleepover for his Wednesdays.  He said it seemed like a last minute change but that's what he understood the agreement to be.  Adam believed I would get them on Wednesdays before my own parenting time.

Okay, hold up.  He took a "passive approach?!"  W.T.F???!!!  When it came to the money he pitched fits and threatened but when it came to parenting time he was f***ing passive?!  I just can't.
I told him I sent him an email in October (so a few months back) about the proposed parenting schedule.  A couple weeks later my attorney followed up with the same schedule to Adam's attorney.  this was not last minute.  Adam excused his ignorance with " I have a 12 inch stack of papers from attorneys.  It doesn't really matter."  Father of the year right there.

Jan. 14, 2015

Me: Since your understanding is you have the children today I will let them know.  Since the parenting time starts at the end of school, will you pick up the elementary school kids from school or just Littlest?  Will you pick the older kids up at school or should they meet you at the house?
Him: At the end of school?  God.  I thought it was 6 like normal.  I don't have any idea what the parenting order says.  It was mostly new and I don't have a copy.
Me: that was the only portion I remember because it effected mom.
Him: That's why i was mad, b/c I thought you sprung it on me all the day of the divorce hearing.  I can't get the kids form school today at least.  I hadn't planned on that,  Can we wait until 6pm just today, then we can figure out what it is?
Me: I need to check with mom.  I told her last week that the new orders were either every Wednesday or every other Wednesday.  She might be expecting a day off.
Him: okay.  And I'm only about 10% that it's this Wednesday and not next Wednesday,  I honestly don't know.
Me: Mom said she can pick up Littlest.

In the afternoon he asked how I have been handling insurance co/pays for medical and dental.  I said I pay them at the visit and if mom takes the kids I give her cash to pay the co-pay.  He wanted to know if an FSA could be set up for the co-pays.  I don't know and he would need to do it through his insurance anyway.  He said he was thinking to establish the FSA then I pay him my percentage at the end of the year.  He asked how other people do it.  I said to ask them.  He said that wasn't helpful.  Well gee, Adam, why  not?  If you want to know how someone does something why wouldn't you ask them directly?  But, while he was complaining I was actually asking a coworker how she does it.  She said they each just pay their own portion.  If a payment plan is set up, she pays her portion then passes the bill to the father.  "Hopefully you find that helpful."  Asshat.  He said thank you.
Then he said he is missing a bag of cassettes and wants them back.  I haven't seen them but if I do I will return them just like I have with every other item I have found over the last 10 months.  Asshat.

I also let him know that a quick call to his insurance company and I learned he could have put me on the plan while it was court ordered.
Him: You could have talked to me about that months ago instead of bringing it up on the day of the divorce hearing.
Since when am I responsible for telling him, "Hey dickhead there is a court order that you keep me on you medical insurance until the divorce is final."  Oh, that's right, he has too many papers form attorneys, it isn't his fault.
Him: I consider that as a direct attempt to manipulate me into signing away whatever you wanted just to make an agreement.  That kind of behavior is exactly why I am not willing to co-parent with you.  WTF is wrong with him?  I did not say, Hey agree to this or else!  At the divorce hearing we were still negotiating because his attorney did not come with a decree written.  I stated that Adam did not keep me covered and as a result, when i was in the hospital, there was not a secondary insurance and I would be having large bills to pay.  Adam's attorney said it is no longer legal to have a spouse on a plan if they are covered by their own employer.  His attorney asked me, weren't you covered at work.  I said yes, but show me in the court order where there was a contigency stating adam had to keep me covered until I had my own insurance.  He couldn't because there was no such contigency.  I said, fine, but if his insurance provider states that I could have been covered, I want it written in that adam will cover whatever portion of the bills the insurance would have covered.  Isn't that fair?  Apparently not.  Apparently it is manipulative.  And I hate to tell him, so i won't, but Adam just testified in court that he was voluntarily entering into a shared parenting plan.  He needs to get over his butt hurt attitude and co-parent.  And you know what else, he can stop playing the victim.