Passively Picking Parenting

Jan. 12, 2015

Oldest stayed home sick today.  She started the day with Adam and he dropped her off at my house.

Later that day he texted to say he needed me to return my iPhone to him so he could pay off the debt.  I ignored the request.  The phone was purchased for me use.  He then shut the service off in the middle of the day even though the court order stated he could not do so.  He shut my phone off, the kids, and mom's phone.  He left the kids and mom with no way to contact anyone and he didn't even think to call ahead of time and say he was doing it.

When I got home from work I discovered more of Adam's mail had been delivered to me.  It was a Borrower Counseling information packet from Wells Fargo.  I texted that he might want to change his address.  He said they had the correct address.  He said I was getting it because I was a co-borrower and he is working on a home preservation plan.  He said I didn't need to fill anything out because it was just for him.  I wonder if this home preservation plan will be screwing my credit?

He also said that since the ruling on the divorce was final he would be removing insurance on the van effective tomorrow.  It was nice of him to warn me first.  However, it isn't really final until his attorney writes up the decree, we sign, and it gets filed with the court.

Jan. 13, 2015

I texted this to Adam:  In an effort to keep you in the loop and informed about what is going on with the children- they were introduced to Gary last night.
I thought this was appropriate.  As their father, he needs to know if the children will be around another adult on a regular basis.  He needs to know that if Littlest says, "Gary kicked me," that Gary is an adult and not a little kid.  I feel it also allows Adam the ability to talk to the kids about changes and to check in on their feelings.  He has not returned the favor, ever.  His response to me telling him about the meeting was to text a cartoon of a fat man puking.  Mature parenting at its finest.

Tonight he sent a text stating he had made three payments to DPL for his house electric bill but for some reason when they closed the account (why is the account getting closed?) for some reason they continued to take the payments and credited my DPL account. Hmm, I called them months ago and asked that the my name be removed and there be no connection between the accounts.  Adam ended the text with "Why didn't you let me know you were receiving my power bill payments?"  I said it was because I didn't know.  Why did it take him three months to realize his payments weren't going to his account?  Why am I responsible for him not paying attention?
Adam said he really needed that money.  DPL won't refund him the money without my authorization.  he doesn't even know why he thought it would be worth asking but he would like the money applied to the bill it was intended for.  I think it should go to that bill too.  How dare he insinuate that I wouldn't return the money.  I don't recall keeping his money form him at any point.  In fact, didn't I let him know I found a $300+ signed check?

I opted to change topics.  I thanked him for finally returning my personal items.  I was able to post some pictures on FB of family members that have died in the last few years.  It meant a lot to my grandma and aunts.  I also found the title to the van.  I told him he needs to have it notarized to transfer it to me.  He texted that I can just take it to a notary because it is for my signature on the odometer certification.  He said to ask them and see what they say.  This next part felt great:  I told him I was a notary and I didn't need to ask.  He said, Oh.  Neat? I didn't know that.  He doesn't know a lot.
He said he didn't mean to be a dick to me.  He said he has a *lot* of resentment.  He said, "You're just trying to protect yourself and look out for your interests, I know."  Yet more he doesn't know.  I am looking out for our children's interests.  I am trying to protect my ability to provide for them while i build a career.  Adam is the one only focused on himself and his interests.  And what does he resent?  Me standing up for myself?  Me deciding to get therapy because I was raped by my husband?  Me saying yes to opening the marriage?

More changing of topics:  The kids asked what the parenting schedule would be.  Since that came from Adam and his attorney I asked him.  He said he didn't write anything with his attorney.  He said he was "mostly passive throughout the process."  The attorney told Adam that my attorney had requested parenting time every other Wednesday but Adam would get a sleepover for his Wednesdays.  He said it seemed like a last minute change but that's what he understood the agreement to be.  Adam believed I would get them on Wednesdays before my own parenting time.

Okay, hold up.  He took a "passive approach?!"  W.T.F???!!!  When it came to the money he pitched fits and threatened but when it came to parenting time he was f***ing passive?!  I just can't.
I told him I sent him an email in October (so a few months back) about the proposed parenting schedule.  A couple weeks later my attorney followed up with the same schedule to Adam's attorney.  this was not last minute.  Adam excused his ignorance with " I have a 12 inch stack of papers from attorneys.  It doesn't really matter."  Father of the year right there.

Jan. 14, 2015

Me: Since your understanding is you have the children today I will let them know.  Since the parenting time starts at the end of school, will you pick up the elementary school kids from school or just Littlest?  Will you pick the older kids up at school or should they meet you at the house?
Him: At the end of school?  God.  I thought it was 6 like normal.  I don't have any idea what the parenting order says.  It was mostly new and I don't have a copy.
Me: that was the only portion I remember because it effected mom.
Him: That's why i was mad, b/c I thought you sprung it on me all the day of the divorce hearing.  I can't get the kids form school today at least.  I hadn't planned on that,  Can we wait until 6pm just today, then we can figure out what it is?
Me: I need to check with mom.  I told her last week that the new orders were either every Wednesday or every other Wednesday.  She might be expecting a day off.
Him: okay.  And I'm only about 10% that it's this Wednesday and not next Wednesday,  I honestly don't know.
Me: Mom said she can pick up Littlest.

In the afternoon he asked how I have been handling insurance co/pays for medical and dental.  I said I pay them at the visit and if mom takes the kids I give her cash to pay the co-pay.  He wanted to know if an FSA could be set up for the co-pays.  I don't know and he would need to do it through his insurance anyway.  He said he was thinking to establish the FSA then I pay him my percentage at the end of the year.  He asked how other people do it.  I said to ask them.  He said that wasn't helpful.  Well gee, Adam, why  not?  If you want to know how someone does something why wouldn't you ask them directly?  But, while he was complaining I was actually asking a coworker how she does it.  She said they each just pay their own portion.  If a payment plan is set up, she pays her portion then passes the bill to the father.  "Hopefully you find that helpful."  Asshat.  He said thank you.
Then he said he is missing a bag of cassettes and wants them back.  I haven't seen them but if I do I will return them just like I have with every other item I have found over the last 10 months.  Asshat.

I also let him know that a quick call to his insurance company and I learned he could have put me on the plan while it was court ordered.
Him: You could have talked to me about that months ago instead of bringing it up on the day of the divorce hearing.
Since when am I responsible for telling him, "Hey dickhead there is a court order that you keep me on you medical insurance until the divorce is final."  Oh, that's right, he has too many papers form attorneys, it isn't his fault.
Him: I consider that as a direct attempt to manipulate me into signing away whatever you wanted just to make an agreement.  That kind of behavior is exactly why I am not willing to co-parent with you.  WTF is wrong with him?  I did not say, Hey agree to this or else!  At the divorce hearing we were still negotiating because his attorney did not come with a decree written.  I stated that Adam did not keep me covered and as a result, when i was in the hospital, there was not a secondary insurance and I would be having large bills to pay.  Adam's attorney said it is no longer legal to have a spouse on a plan if they are covered by their own employer.  His attorney asked me, weren't you covered at work.  I said yes, but show me in the court order where there was a contigency stating adam had to keep me covered until I had my own insurance.  He couldn't because there was no such contigency.  I said, fine, but if his insurance provider states that I could have been covered, I want it written in that adam will cover whatever portion of the bills the insurance would have covered.  Isn't that fair?  Apparently not.  Apparently it is manipulative.  And I hate to tell him, so i won't, but Adam just testified in court that he was voluntarily entering into a shared parenting plan.  He needs to get over his butt hurt attitude and co-parent.  And you know what else, he can stop playing the victim.