Contempt

We had the contempt hearing.  I went prepared to discuss all my concerns just in case the magistrate asked the ever popular, "Is there anything else you would like the court to know at this time?"
I left work in plenty of time knowing that parking on a weekday is difficult downtown.  I found a spot but had to walk a bit.  Luck would have it Adam was taking the same walk...at the same time.  Not much more awkward can happen then standing at a cross walk with the defendant.
I proceeded to make my way to the courthouse, went upstairs, and sat myself down.  Adam and his attorney were within earshot.  He pointed me out to her and she approached me.  She was nice and introduced herself.  She continued on saying that Adam was prepared to pay me in full right that minute so would I be willing to accept the check and dismiss the contempt.  I looked at her calmly and stated, "no."  She took a second and asked, "No?  So you want to proceed with the hearing?"  And I replied, "Yes, I wish to proceed and have my motion heard."  She then went back to Adam and then left to talk in a private conference room.
It wasn't long before we got called into the magistrate's office.  She said it was my motion and to proceed.  I had no idea what that meant so I said his attorney approached me in the lobby and asked if I would accept the check and dismiss and I said no and wanted to proceed.  She said, So proceed.  I laughed at myself and then explained my reason for filing contempt.  In a nutshell: divorce decree says he owes me.  She then asked Adam his side.  He said the IRS never issued a check so he never got the money but it was automatically directed to the debt.  He also said there were other accounts and debts between us that hadn't been worked out, that we never discussed a way for him to pay me my 50%, and he closed by saying things have been really tight so he just couldn't pay.  The Magistrate tilted her head and asked, "Is that really your defense? You we her the money."  Then there was a discussion about how much he owed.  His attorney presented the amounts and said there was also a processing fee of $107.38.  The magistrate said nowhere in the decree did it say that would be split and she wasn't going to make me pay it.  The numbers were all worked out, she waived the court fee and said the court would issue a reimbursement to me.  Adam was able to write a check to me so she dismissed the contempt.
Adam left the room and as I put my jacket on I asked his attorney if there was anything she could do to help us not be back in court.  She said if he asks her advice she can urge him to follow the decree and parenting agreement.  She asked if there were issues I felt I could file about.  I said yes but I wanted to avoid court just as I had wanted to avoid it with this matter.  At that the Magistrate blurted, "But this is fun!"   I like her!  The attorney and I walked out together and she asked me for specifics.  I told her about the psych fees, school fees, not participating in all his parenting time, and refusal to share in the medical/dental responsibilities.  I also said it is alarming to me that when I try to engage him in discussions I get told things like, F off in all the ways you can imagine fing off.  I was very honest and told her if he isn't actually participating in the 50/50 part of parenting and telling me he won't, which I have in writing, then I will go back to court for full custody. She said she could tell him to follow the decree as best as she can interpret it and as far as it is in his best interest.  I stopped her and said, "Not his best interest, our children's.  He has been focused on his interests long enough."  She smiled sympathetically and said she would talk to him.
I left and walked to the van.  By the time I drove away Adam was still not back to his vehicle.  I can only hope that attorney said some words of wisdom that he took to heart.  I don't want to go back to court.  This was his freebie.  If there is a next time the Magistrate is not so likely to brush things away.  Next time he could be fined, or face jail time.  That helps no one.

One of us is crazy and I'm pretty certain it isn't me.

I sent Adam a simple email: Would you like to exchange cash for Concert tickets when I bring Oldest over after her concert?  Do you want printed tickets or would you rather I see if I can just transfer the electronic tickets to you/Oldest Son?

I got a very long response.  Very. Long.

"Hey Heather, I'm going to send a check back with Oldest Son for the Concert ticket and some kind of installment payment on the tax thing.  I'll have to do my bills tonight to see what I can afford but it will probably be in the few hundred dollars range each month until it's paid off.  I'm finally (mostly) out of hot water with the IRS and the credit card companies and Bank holding Mortgage, so i can start to work on this.  I'm also going to call Little Kid School in a min to update my address and your phone number.  Mrs. Second Grade Teacher wants to accelerate Littlest Girl just in reading, so I'll talk to her about that tonight.  I'd like your thoughts on that too.
Heather, a second important thing, can we both start being nice to each other please?  I used to love the ever living fuck out of you.  Some days I still do.  When you're not doing really mean things and threatening or bossing me, I tend to like to do nice things for you and cooperate. I do still think about you all the time believe it or not.  I've hurt you deeply, and you've hurt me deeply, and that all sucks, but let's please not keep doing that over and over and over.  It's stupid and we're both at fault for making things this way.  The kids say you've been much better to them this week so now I'm pretty happy with you.  I love them and if you treat them good and just don't treat me badly, then I'll bend over backwards to help you.  Consider this please.  Thanks. Adam. "

Luckily, I was busy composing my response to the first half of this message before the second half arrived via text.  If I hadn't my laughter would have been too much for me to text anything!

"Please send cash for the ticket.  I am already aware of Mrs. Second Grade Teacher's desire to put Littlest Girl in a third grade class for reading.  I signed the consent to have her and Little Girl tested for advancement, same as the last two years. "

Then he moved to an email reply.  Good thing I was at my desk to switch between the two!

"Exchanging cash for tickets at the same time would work great rather than sending money with Oldest Son. Id like the printed tickets because lots of things can go wrong with electronic transferring (also it will have all ther pertinent information on it). I'd much prefer to use a check for the installment though just so I have a record of it. I can come by your house briefly tonight whenever you're home. Just let me know when is most convenient. "

More laughter ensued.  I shared the conversation with a work companion, aka my filter and Jiminy Cricket.  She was just as amused as me.  I believe her first response was, "What the...?!"

I did not respond.  I couldn't.  I mean what could I even respond with?!

I'm speechless

I emailed Adam some updates about the kids:

Littlest: He doesn't have any soccer practices/games until next Tuesday.  After the previous game, the coaches talked to the game about paying attention.  Over the long weekend, they were asked to practice the new top secret move as well as passing.

I don't know if you were contacted on Thursday by the bus depot but in case you were not, Littlest fell asleep on the bus and was left on.  Mom called the depot as soon as the three other kids got home.  I was called an hour after he should have been dropped off, after mom already had him.  The school has not updated my information and only has your name and number.

Littlest Girl: She has two loose teeth.

Little Girl: She has four loose teeth.

Middle Son: He has at least one loose tooth. He fell during gym and has a banged up ankle.  He said it isn't bothering him but the bruise looks nasty.

He has also been signed up for a mentoring program.

Ms. I Hate The World: She started cutting again, last time she was at your place over a weekend.  She said she doesn't remember why.  I've asked her to start writing down what is going on when she has an urge or does cut.  I spoke to Dr. Therapist about it and he said if she continues to make an appointment whether she agrees to it or not.  He said if she would rather see someone else he can give some referrals.

She auditioned for a high school choir on Thursday.

Oldest Son: He will participate in an extra class TTh from 315-530pm.  He'll get 1/2 credit.  The Death Cab for Cutie concert is in two weeks.

Oldest: She's going from twice a month with Dr. Therapist to once a month.  The Twenty One Pilots concert is in two weeks.

School Fees fees: I paid $140 for Ms. I Hate The World's Choir and $140 for Oldest Son's Theatre.  That leaves you covering all of Creative Writing:  $140 for Oldest, $70 for Oldest Son, and $70 for Ms. I Hate The World.

Oldest needs $10 for Spanish or $10 for Science.  Oldest Son had $20 paid for his make-up kit and still needs $10 for Spanish and $10 for Science.  Ms. I Hate The World paid $5 for a lab fee and $3 toward French, she still needs $7 more for French.

If you need to bring any of the children over on work day mornings please text or call so I have a heads up.  If I am not expecting them, I leave before 7:30am.

I have been in contact with USAA to inquire about the escrow account being closed.  I am not authorized to request this, you need to do it.  Please call their mortgage company and make the request.  If there is paperwork associated with it, I will fill it all out but you are the one that needs to begin the request.

He couldn't just respond to the email in a simple manner. Oh no. :

Please make sure the school has your name and number on file for emergencies. Please let me know what the ticket and travel arrangements will be for the Death Cab for Cutie concert and the Twenty One Pilots concert (if applicable). Usually I don't know about the kids needing to get something from your house until right then but I can text you if I'm on the way. I don't know what you're talking about with "the escrow account." Particularly which house, when, what happened, and what are you asking me to do. Please be more specific so I can understand.

I received a court summons stating that you carried out your threat of taking me to court for contempt from not giving you the refund (I never got). I now must afford a lawyer in addition to everything else to avoid jail time. You knew that I never had money to send you, and I told you as much. This was a very aggressive and cruel act on your part and it makes me sad for you that this is what you're like now. The appearance is that you value money, hatred, control, and revenge more than your children's wellness and happiness. And that's unfortunate. Obviously with law stuff, I'll have to wait and see about School fees. 

Please ensure Oldest Son and all of the other kids have all of their basic hygiene needs met. It is inappropriate to hide his toothbrush and deodorant because he didn't clean his room (or any other arbitrary reason). He's an adolescent and those are essential items. The kids have basic rights as humans, and you've been overstepping them. I've been bringing him more deodorant each time. He was embarrassed to ask because it's humiliating to him. That parenting behavior is unacceptable no matter what your reasoning is, and whatever nice things you might do for him don't offset that. 

Ms. I Hate The World has showed up having cut herself at your house without exception every time she has come to visit. I ask her and we've talked about them. People that cut do so in order to have something that they can control, so if she's in a situation where she doesn't feel like she has any control over anything, we need to change that. I recommend she see someone else besides Dr. Therapist because she's already said she doesn't feel comfortable talking with him. I would also like for her to come live with me full-time, for her own safety and wellness. This has gotten out of hand and we need to do something dramatically different. 

I would also like for Oldest to come live with me. She is incredibly depressed at your house and both her and Ms. I hate The World have asked (individually) numerous times that I let them move in. Teenagers are hard, and I understand that there may be things between you and your girls that I don't understand, but I want to respect their wishes and give them a safe and happy environment to live their teenage years. You might need some space in order to develop the kind of relationship you wanted with them. 

In general, when the kids have seen you act aggressively (toward me and toward them) it hurts them. They need to be able to trust their mother. They unload on me about these kinds of things every time they come over. Because of your behavior and many of the hurtful things you've said to the kids, all of them at some point have said they want to live with me, but especially the teenagers. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but to open a discussion about how this situation can be improved. Over the last two years, you have done many things to damage my kids'  relationship with their mom in ways that might not be able to be repaired. It was important to me when we separated that we both kept parenting the way we previously were in love, respect, and kindness. Somehow, your focus has entirely shifted to anger, retribution, and making sure I "learn my lesson." If this is what you were like then, I was completely blind to it. Adolescence is a critical time for them, and I want you to be the kind of mom for them that both of us needed when we were teenagers. Providing a little more space to breathe between you and the girls might be necessary. To you it might feel like you're just reacting, but to everyone else, your behavior seems like extreme cruelty. The cruel treatment that I've seen personally and that the kids have described to me is emotionally abusive parenting. Emotional abuse is a real thing, whether you want to acknowledge that it is or not. Even if you don't think you are doing it, you are absolutely doing it and it's obvious to everyone but you. That's a statement of fact from many people that have met you, and not just my interpretation. 

If you would like to have a discussion with me about this and about proper boundaries, I'm willing to have that discussion with you even though I expect it will be painful. I'd like to have that in isolation of every other argument we have between us though. I know you have the capability to be a good parent and even a good co-parent, but for some reason I don't understand, you've chosen not to time and time again. You need some sort of support or some sort of space, and the kids need to feel they can trust you and love you. Right now they don't and I want to help correct that. 

Thanks

Adam 

Somebody fix this for me.  I'm just so tired of it.  I am a good mother.  I am strict, yes.  But I love and I help them, too.  And I am there for them and try to help Adam to be there for them too.  All I can think is, where the fuck was he when Ms. I Hate The World wrote a suicide plan?!  Where was he when she was in the ER getting a psych evaluation?!  Where was he when I worried she was going to end her life?!  He was absent.  He was neglecting her when she needed him.  And then, recently, he posted that bullshit on Facebook for the kids to see.  How is that not detrimental to them?  After everything he has done in the last 18 months, how is he the better parent? The better co-parent?  The better person? Somebody explain this to me, please.

Small miracle

It might be coincidence, it might not be, but suddenly, that long nasty post has disappeared from the children's Facebook feed.  They can't see their father tearing their mother down.  They can't be confused by information that is in contrast to the life experiences they have lived.  Okay, that one probably isn't true.  What they have read can't be unread. At least three of them now have doubts about the accuracy of the information he gives them.  At least two, as much as they hate it, now know he lies if it means protecting himself.  That makes me sad.  It makes me sad when Oldest slows her speech and looks down when that realization hits.  It makes me sad that Adam still hasn't learned to respect boundaries and in his desire to not look like a bad guy, hurt his children.
The children are resilient.  They forgive easily probably because they forget so readily.  Similar to the children I work to help, my children will put blinders on and love their father despite the pain he has caused.
If it wasn't coincidence, if someone (and I think I know who it potentially was) let Adam know the children could see that post, thank you.  And Adam, if by chance, you now know about this blog and can see what I write, please learn and recognize for once how your actions have consequences for others.

Contempt Consequences

At some point in the past few weeks, Adam texted Gary's ex-wife telling her his children told him I am abusing her two boys.  Thankfully, she gave Gary the benefit of the doubt, and thus me.  She told him she was upset but realized he wouldn't stand for someone hurting the boys.  I am thankful to her.  She also talked to the boys and they denied any form of abuse.  I talked to my seven who had no idea what Adam was talking about.

On Monday, Adam was served with the contempt papers.  He took it as well as could be expected.  My aunt called to let my mom know Adam had posted something on Facebook that I should know about.  I won't lie, I logged on to one of the kids' accounts to see it.  I logged in hoping he had the decency to customize the post but expecting he hadn't.  He gave me what I expected:

"I usually take the high road and rarely vent, but I feel like it today. Heather is taking me to court again. This time to compel me to give her 50% of a refund I didn't receive, or else I will go to jail. She takes an obscene amount of money from me each month, and has even stolen thousands more, but it's still never enough.

Because I am a dick, I'll also take this opportunity to share with everyone that she is an abuser. She was and is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my kids (and now even her boyfriend's kids). I was ashamed of that for years, and didn't tell anyone. It all leaked out into my music though if you've ever listened to my old stuff. That's why I can't even play those songs anymore.

Back then, I thought if I tried harder, did more, acted kinder, or treated her better, something somehow could make her happy. It didn't, it doesn't, and it never will. She even works in child services now, which just blows my mind. One of her first actions on becoming a mandatory reporter was to steal the kids from my home and threaten to use her power to take them away from me permanently.

I'm sharing all this because I feel like someone else is probably in a situation where they need to hear that things get way better when you leave. When I realized this (and learned what BPD was), it was like a light came on, and I suddenly didn't feel crazy anymore. My life changed instantly and it's like I was released from prison. I feel like a new person, and now I feel awesome every single day. 😎

Even with the random court actions, thefts, child abductions, forced poverty, and threats, I love my life and I love my freedom. And my kids love having a safe place where they can be themselves without being punished all the time for arbitrary nonsense.

Also, I'm not bitter anymore, but I still can't recommend marriage as a smart life choice for any young man. Relationships are great and all, but there's no other kind of legal contract on Earth that you'll have so little information about before you sign. And they never show you this part when you're 19.

If you feel like you're in a similar situation, and want advice or want to vent, hit me up privately and I'll educate you.

Love you guys!"

It total, 68 people liked his post and 30 people commented their sympathy, concerns, and joined in on the bashing.  Not one of them called him out.  Not one of them questioned his logic of posting this where his children can see.  Not one of them asked why the hell he hasn't stepped in to protect them. if he truly feels they are being abused.  No one stepped in!  

It is taking a tremendous amount of self control to not use my child's Facebook account to post a link to this blog.  It is taking even more self control to not march to his house and yell and scream at him. It took every last ounce of control to not tell the children my full side of the story.  I did pull the three oldest together after the youngest were asleep.  The two oldest had seen the post.  We discussed just a few topics that are contradicted by the divorce decree and parenting plan.  They asked questioned and pointed out inconsistencies in his post and things he has told them.  We discussed budgeting and good financial decision making.  I asked that if they had questions to respect me and trust me enough to talk to me.  I told them I don't want to frame daddy as a bad guy but I want, and need, them to understand there are two sides to every story.  

I am sad for the kids.  I'm sad that we had that conversation.  I'm sad to hear about the poor parenting decisions Adam makes such as not having a girlfriend but bringing women around the children, frequently.  

And yeah, I'm sad for me.  I'm sad that I am stuck in this cycle.  I'm sad that most every day I walk this nightmare alone and feel powerless.  I'm sad to think it will never end.  

Something Not Good

I spoke too soon. Or maybe I should continue trying to frame things in a more positive light.  You tell me!

The summer schedule is over and the school schedule is on.  Adam's Wednesday was today so I texted him the little kids' bus stop location, bus number and time.  He texted back that he would not be able to pick them up until 6pm on Wednesdays.  Hmm, this conversation has a deja vu feel.I asked who would be picking them up after school.  He said they would ride the bus to my house just like they do during the week.  I told him no one will be there to supervise them, to which he replied:

"When they get home the other days, the big kids had been picking them up from the bus stop. Is that no longer the case? I loved picking them up from school last year, but I now have classes on Wednesday afternoons and am working three jobs and teaching an overload schedule to get back on my feet. I also don't have a girlfriend or anyone else who can pick them up for me. It's just not possible to make it work or else I would."

Oh how I wanted to rip this apart but I kept my cool and let him know the big kids do not get home until 3pm.  My mom has been helping just like she did last year with the understanding that she has every other Wednesday off.   He did not respond.

About 3 hours later I called to see if the kids were at home because I wanted to make sure they were supervised by mom or at the very least Ms. I Hate the World.  No answer.  I waited 10 more minutes and still no answer.  I sent a follow up text asking if Adam found anyone to pick up the kids.  He stated he had them.  He followed this with, "Tomorrow, Friday, and next time I will be there at 6pm to get them.  Please make sure the littles are not unsupervised."

Pardon me?!

I said it is his "parenting time and it is his responsibility.  If they need to be at the house you are still responsible for coordinating the supervision."  He said the time starts when the kids are out from school meaning all of the kids are out from school.  I said I don't see that wording in the parenting times section.  I see that his Wednesday begins after school.  Nothing noting after all children are out of school.  His response was, "6 is after school."

It was then that I realized I had gotten myself into a discussion with an illogical person and stopped responding.  I used my time more wisely and looked up the docket and found the contempt filing is in and the divorce case is reopened.  I assume that means the judge/magistrate can make any changes deemed necessary when we go in front of him on October 1.

I also looked up Adam's schedule: MWF 12:20-2:20pm.  So he could get the children before 6pm.  I don't care if he is working three jobs and an overload schedule to get back on his feet.  he knocked himself off his damn feet!  And you can bet I will mention this to the magistrate and ask if the child support can be adjusted.  He has made multiple changes to his life that benefited him, it's time the children benefited.  And yes, I want to benefit too.  I am a caseworker for children services: you want to talk about an overloaded schedule?!  I want to get back on my feet too but I can't right now because I'm busy being a mom when not at work.  He has money to pay cash for a house, buy a motorcycle, get tattooed, start smoking, go to bars and musicals, and he has time to take college courses.  I don't expect him to have no life or to be mired down by stress.  I take "me time." I spend some money on myself but not like him.

Something good

I want to recognize good/positive things that Adam does.  It's difficult to do and even more difficult to not mix in a criticism.  But here is my attempt!

This weekend he texted me (opening a new line of communication) and offered me the playground set at the old house.  The property has been marked as abandoned and he does not know when the bank will be taking it over but he knows the children like to play on the swing and slide and wants them to have it.

Last night Littlest had soccer practice and Adam came to it.  I was shocked.  Littlest was happy to see him which I hope enforces to Adam how important it is for him to make contact with the children whether it is his parenting time or not.

I cannot stop him but I can stand up to him

For work I have to take 12 hrs of domestic violence training.  I was able to check this off my to do list this week and it was a very good training.  I've done a lot of good trainings during my first year but this one hit close to home.  It was basically 12 hours of in your face cannot deny it this was your life.  It was rough.

I know I was in an unhealthy marriage.  I know Adam was controlling, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive.  I know that, I've known it for a while but to have it spelled out was shocking.  Almost everything the instructor mentioned, screamed, "Adam!"  

The training started out by defining domestic violence versus domestic abuse.  I had thought my marriage was on the abuse side, turns out the sexual part gave it both dimensions.  Lucky me.  I have often thought how his abuse had been pretty mild during the marriage with the really ugly stuff (minus the rape) coming after he moved out.  Turns out domestic doesn't mean people live together it refers more to the relationship between the people.  I guess that means I still am in a domestic abusive relationship.  It sucks to think this will always be my life.  

I remember a couple months ago, my attorney told me my situation wasn't that bad, that it could be worse.  But here's the thing, just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't traumatic.  It doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because "it wasn't that bad."  Imagine being raped, now imagine your rapist is allowed to continue abusing you time and time again and your situation is minimized with a shrug and, "It could be worse."  Those types of comments add to the abuse and excuse it, and in a way, normalize it.  

It is ignorant to say husbands can't rape their wives.  It is irresponsible to teach that no means no. It is this thinking that allowed my rapist to justify his way out of feeling like a predator and transfer the guilt of the event to me.  Adam claimed I never said no or if I did it wasn't loud enough or maybe I said it in my head.  He said he didn't see me try to get up.  He said I never said to stop because it hurt.  He said he didn't see me cry.  These were his reasons to transfer the blame.  Fuck "no means no."  The rule is: yes means yes until no means no and silence is not consent.  If you never bother to ask then you do not have permission.  But in Adam's world it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and since he isn't one to ask forgiveness it is easier to tell your victim she is wrong.  

Adam has a fear of being a bad guy.  He said this often and it was his reason to not go to therapy.  He felt like it was a bash session.  He couldn't handle ever being told he had a deficiency or an issue.  He needs to be liked and seen as a good guy.  I was reminded very vividly of this characteristic when the instructor mentioned the personality types that typically abuse; they are the schizoids, borderlines, narcissists, and antisocials.  Hmm, Adam's phsych. eval. mentioned those.  Interesting.  

The instructor then discussed the types of abusers.  There are three groups and Adam could sit in two of them.  Approval seekers make excessive demands on wives (yes I know either sex can abuse but I'm sticking with the group usually on the receiving end) to compensate for poor self-esteem.  Adam's "love language" was words of affirmation.  But he complained that I gave the wrong words.  He would lecture me daily on my word choices or what I chose to compliment.  No matter what I tried it was never right.  If I talked about being proud of his work he said I focused just on his earning potential.  If I complimented his muscles he said that means I thought he was fat before.  Whatever my compliment he found something to negate it.  It was never right.  Then there are the incorporators who need a wife to validate them and define them.  This group is likely also narcissistic as they need a wife to mirror back what the abuser hopes to be seen as. 

I think these groups probably blend well.  The instructor mentioned one of these types (can't recall which) has a "I don't know what I need but you will feel my rage if you aren't giving it to me" mentality.  When he said that I thought, OMG, was he a fly on the wall in therapy?!  Adam had said repeatedly that he didn't know what he needed but expected me to figure it out.  

Chronic abusers feel they fail to live up to the masculine script.  And sporadic abusers are insecure and have feelings of inadequacy and are most sensitive to criticism.  Sounds like someone I know...

Then the class discussion moved to categories of power and control that are abused.  Coercion & threats (check), using children (check), emotional (check), isolation (check), deny/blame/minimize (check), intimidate (check), economic (check) and male privilege (not check, I think).  Adam became a pro 7 out of 8.  Wow, he did pride himself in being an over achiever.  

Here's the funny thing.  Even after sitting through 12 hours of instruction and kind of being knocked over the head with all this info pointing to the abuse, I had the fleeting thought, It wasn't that bad.  Even I hold to that way of thinking.  The thought was immediately proceeded by, No wonder abuse and violence are under reported or women go back.  We are groomed to think this behavior is acceptable because it isn't an extreme.  We wait, we stay, we give second chances all because it isn't that bad.  But why does it have to reach an extreme to be unacceptable?  

I'm finding it a bit difficult to not fixate on this subject.  I'm hoping writing will help.  I'm hoping I accept things a little bit more.  I'm hoping it lessens my feelings of shame and believing I am stupid for letting it happen to me and allowing it to continue for so long.  I think it is working.  I talked about it using the actual words: rape, abuse.  I said them without hesitation.  I also recognized that I can never stop him from continuing to abuse me.  But I can stand up to him.  I cannot stop the abuse from coming at me but I can turn away, I can stop seeing myself as his victim.  If I am his victim then he has the power and that is one thing I will not give him any longer.  I am not necessarily a force to be reckoned with, or a powerful person.  But I am empowered.  I am empowered with acceptance of what was and is.  I am empowered with knowledge.  

I am also a huge pain in the ass!  Contempt charges were filed today over the tax refund.  And I feel very (em)powered!  

The eyes are opening

The summer break has ended.  The big event of the summer was the children performing in a concert event.  Look back through the blog to about a year ago, same concert event.  Luckily, this year went a bit better.  Adam did not show up with some strange woman: he came with his brother and Oldest Son and Littlest.  I came with Gary.  Out of 1000+ seats in that entire theatre, would you believe Gary and I had the two seats in front of Adam?  True story.

It was moderately awkward when we walked to our seats but I was happy to see the boys since it had been nearly a week (it was Adam's parenting time).  Littlest leaned over and talked with Gary and he gave me a hug. The show was good.   At the end of the show I was able to see all the children.  Littlest glued himself to me.  Gary took pictures of the performers which apparently reminded Adam that perhaps he should also take pictures of his own children.  When it was time to leave, Adam directed the older kids to leave but didn't bother to allow them time to hug me or even say goodbye.  I handed Littlest over when I realized what was going on.  Adam said nothing, just took Littlest and walked away.

*Side note: my grandmother, an amazing woman that I loved dearly died the week before.  I emailed Adam to let him know and my mom had also informed him.  I didn't expect condolences but he never bothered to check how the children were handling this loss.  His lack of compassion on how he handled that and then to not even let me say goodbye to the children this night shows how cold he is becoming.

Fast forward to last night.  Adam's parenting time was extended the last week of summer break because I had training out of the area.  I got the children back on Oldest Son's birthday around 9pm.  We got home and did the birth story tradition.  Around 10pm, Little One announces she was hungry and hadn't eaten dinner.  I questioned everyone and learned Adam did not feed them.  Oldest started to make an excuse for this lack of parenting.  She said "Daddy got home late from soccer and we only just had time for birthday cake."  I had to pull back her reasoning.  I told her to look at the situation.  He chose to stay late at the park.  He also chose to not inform me leaving me unaware of the need.  Oldest joked, "But you said parents only need to feed their kids once a day." Legally, yes this is true.  Before I could form my response, Oldest Son said, "That's the minimum they need to do."

The sorrow in his voice went straight to my heart.  Oldest Son is starting to see what I already know.  I need the children to see their father for what he is but I sure do wish they didn't. I need them to not excuse him, I need them to not do what I did for 14 years.  I wish this need didn't exist.  I wish they could always believe and know he was a good guy with their best interest at heart.  I wish but I'm realistic.

The next day was one of those moments that hit home even more what the children have to look forward to with Adam, and it came with a guilty conscience for me.  I came home and the house was messy, the kids had spent their last day of summer break making messes and lounging.  I lectured and chewed them out.  Then I got hold of Oldest Son's phone and saw some text messages between him and Adam.  The texts were over the span of a week and included Adam telling Oldest Son to make dinner, clean up, make sure kids get to bed.  Basically, Adam was having Oldest Son fill the role I had been in for 14 years as the stay-at-home parent.  It was like seeing what was handed to me placed on my son that is so willing and ready to help and take the blame when he can't do everything.  Adam wasn't just relying on Oldest Son during the work day, it was in the middle of the night as well, you know, so Adam could play shows.

Two texts stood out in an alarming way.  The first was Oldest Son asking when Adam would be home.  The reply was something about "on payday."  Not a time but a day.  The worst was Adam's "God damn it!" in response to Oldest Son not cleaning or cooking or something that is more an adult responsibility.  I took a moment after reading the rest of the messages.  Then I went to Oldest Son's room.  I apologized and said it had dawned on me that he has a lot of responsibilities on him in both homes but not often does he get the opportunity to be a kid.  I thanked him for doing what he could to help out this summer.  I thanked him for being responsible and trustworthy.

Something else was brought to my attention last night.  Well, a few somethings.  First, Adam posted on Facebook about the concert and sitting behind us.  His brother commented that he did his part to ruin the show for Gary and I by blocking the light whenever we tried to look at our programs.  Adam mentioned his disgust with us being in front of him.  Another person stated Gary must have been so nervous having Adam behind him.  We weren't nervous, we saw the humor in the moment.  And after reading the post I also saw the lack of insight Adam has because this post and all the comments were visible to the four oldest children on his friends' list.  Adam can bad mouth me all he wants but he needs to recognize how harmful it is to do it around the children.  He also needs to accept they are beginning to bond with Gary.  This is not a person that will go away anytime soon.  This is a person nurturing the children and when Adam makes his disgust so obvious that hurts the children.

The other fun little bits I learned: Adam is getting a motorcycle.  Adam has a new tattoo.  Adam is smoking.

Adam apparently is no longer all that hard up for money.

Over protecting vs. Risky behavior

I had a work emergency that kept me from picking the children up Friday night.  Adam agreed to keep them until Saturday.  I texted him in the morning (around 8am) and said I would be over in 30 minutes.

I got to his house and could see Littlest wandering around.  Apparently Middle Son was also awake.  Littlest unlocked the front door and came outside along with Adam's "not girlfriend's" dog, Brix.  Littlest was with me about five minutes before anyone else came outside.  Adam was nowhere for 10 minutes.  It concerns me that my little boy came outside unnoticed by Adam  for that long.  When Adam finally came out he said Ms. I Hate Everything had stayed the night at a friend's house.  I asked for the address and he said he didn't have the exact address, only the street name.  I asked if he expected me to knock on all the doors until I found the correct one.  he said yes.  I told him he could pick her up and bring her to my house by noon because I didn't think knocking on random doors sounded like a good idea.

Before we left he handed Little Girl $5 because she had lost the $20 I gave her the week prior.  Not quite an even trade.  Little Girl had also lost a tooth (Adam did not bother to tell me, Oldest Son did) but the Tooth Fairy never came.

I learned a couple other concerning things: Adam lets the kids go to the nearby park unsupervised.  This is concerning because 1. It is a new neighborhood and he doesn't know how safe it is 2. The children don't know anyone around them 3. A person in the very near vicinity is on my caseload. The next concerning thing is the fact that he lets the little kids go to friends houses.  He doesn't know his neighbors yet, he just moved in!  He is trusting strangers with our youngest children!  I know I know, I sound over protective and paranoid but recall what i do for a living and it makes more sense.  It also doesn't make sense when you consider the reason we had a "no going to sleepover" rule in the family was because Adam insisted 3 out of every 4 girls are molested and he didn't trust other males around his children overnight.  But he trusts these unknown people?  I don't get it!

His Response

His response.  It is beautiful. Please refer to the rest of the blog to understand what he is talking about.  

I've attempted to engage you about money you owe me and to get returned items and money that you've stolen from me. You've ignored each of these requests. Here's a list: 

Heather's iPhone I'm still paying for:                      $649.99

Heather's Samsung Galaxy I'm still paying for:              $579.99

Hannah's iPhone Heather took and didn't return:             $199

Electric payments Heather stole and didn't return:              $450 

Heather's lawyer fees I paid:                               $440 

Un-refunded  Earnest Money (she cancelled sale): $500

Inspection costs (she cancelled sale):              $450

Total:                                              $3268.98

You've demanded reimbursements for treatments and therapy which I have not approved and which you didn't even inform me of until much later, despite the fact that it's required in the parenting agreement. I'm not paying for any of those, so if you'd like to be reimbursed, remove each of those from your calculations.  

I never received a federal refund, so obviously you're not getting reimbursed for something I didn't receive. Talk to the IRS if you want to complain about it. You can find their number at IRS.gov.

I did receive an Ohio refund and I'll give you your portion of that once you pay the rest of what you owe me ($3258.98). Your total is $176.68. Here is it broken down:

Total Ohio Return:                          $461

Her Ohio refund:                            $230.50

TurboTax cost:                              -$107.23

Heather's part of TurboTax:                 -$53.62

I owe her:                              $176.88

I owe lots of debt to lots of people. You're actually dead last on my list to pay, partly because you've garnished 75% of my monthly wages already, but mostly because you have been an enormous twat. You are the only one that has ever involved the court, so basically fuck off in all the ways you can imagine fucking off. 

Smoochies, 

Adam

The Letter I Did Send (or email)

Dear Adam,

I have attempted to engage you in communication regarding the tax refund and being paid my portion.  Either you have not received these emails or have chosen to not respond.  I would like to move forward with a cooperative way of communicating.  I would like to not rely on the courts to enforce the divorce decree or parenting agreement.  I would see it as a hostile move on my part to file contempt charges against you; and I would really like to avoid that move. 

If you would also like to avoid contempt charges and bringing the court into our lives, any more than it is already, please respond regarding the money you owe me.  I would appreciate a response concerning the tax refund as well as the reimbursement for the school and psychiatric fees.  

If I do not hear from you by June 30^th or if you do not present a good faith plan, I will assume you want me to move forward with filing contempt charges.  I have contacted the court and the process is simple for me.  I fill out a form that is available online and submit it with evidence.  The evidence is simple as well.  For the tax refund: the divorce decree that outlines your obligations and mine as far as debt and the filing of the 2014 tax return, the tax return itself, a screen shot of the IRS website that states the money was applied to your debt.  The school fees and psychiatry fees are a similar process. 

I want to make it clear; I do not want to involve the court.  We are both mature adults and should be able to cooperate when it comes to the orders of the court.  I understand circumstances arise that will require us to detour from the exact orders but in those cases we need to communicate and agree on the detour. 

Sincerely,

Heather

I sent this email tonight.  I sent it to his personal email account on gmail and the two work emails he has used to email me.  Some might say that is overkill but he has used the excuse before that he didn't get a message because it wasn't delivered or because his gmail fills up so quickly.  

Who thinks I will get a response?  Who thinks it will be a nice response?  Mean response?  

The Letter I Intended To Send But Chickened Out

Dear Adam,

I understand you feel I desire a hostile relationship with you based on the emails you have sent me in the last couple of months.  I assure you I do not want anything other than a co-parenting relationship.  I recognize that it is difficult for you to communicate in a neutral manner because you feel I have ulterior motives.  You have also mentioned that it is difficult for you to be nice because it is awkward and uncomfortable.  However, you voluntarily entered into a co-parenting agreement and that does require communication on both our parts.  I would hope that you could use better judgement and look at the communication I have sent you over the last six months and see that I in fact have not been hostile.  I have done what was expected of me as a co-parent: I have informed you of things going on with the children.  I don’t do this to open up a friendly line of communication, I do this because I also signed the co-parenting agreement.  I don’t ask your input on hair cuts because I want to talk to you, I do it because it is required of me.  It is also required of you. 

I would like if you would stop the passive aggressive approach you have adopted and actually parent the children with me.  I would like it if you followed through with what has been court ordered such as paying your portion of school and psychological fees.  I have not incurred unnecessary costs on behalf of the children.  The school the three oldest children attend was agreed upon prior to the divorce so you knew the cost.  I did not decide to have Ms. I hate Everything attend therapy and thus incur more fees: she was suicidal.  Our daughter wanted to end her life and had a plan to hang herself in your basement.  She had a list of ways to kill herself and why they would or would not work.  She had a suicide pact with her friend, a friend that did in fact attempt suicide and sent photos of the attempt to our daughter.  If you think this is all my imagination look through Ms. I hate Everything’s texts, ask to see the suicide letter she left, or simply look at the cut marks that are so visible on her arms and thighs.  It does not matter that she does not like therapy; she also apparently does not like her life.  She does not need to be told she is a free spirit and is free to make her own decisions.  She does not need to be told that because her parents are divorced you do not need to ask my permission for things that affect her.  She needs to be told her parents both love her and will work together to help her.  

I have tried to get your assistance in taking children to dental appointments.  I made a suggestion that would have me taking them to physicals and vision screenings and you taking them to two dental cleanings a year.  You declined.  I then let you know of appointments that were scheduled during your parenting time and you cancelled those appointments.  You are defaulting on your obligation as a parent by not helping with these responsibilities.  The parenting plan states that we each share equal responsibility for the custody, care, maintenance, and control of the children.  This means you share in the responsibility of making sure they get dental cleanings and have regular medical care and vision screenings.  It does not fall all on me to manage and arrange.  It does mean potentially taking time off work for both of us. 

I understand that I cannot tell you how to parent or even to parent.  I can tell you what is in the parenting agreement that you signed.  You agreed, and therefore are court ordered to pay the money I have already discussed.  You have been provided with receipts for the visit to Dr. Pediatrician and the ER.  You have been provided the receipts for some of her therapy sessions.  You were given the contact information for the facility and are capable of calling to verify the information and calculating 65%.  You were also informed prior to Wicked that it was a requirement for Oldest Son’s theatre magnet.  You were told the price and took him to the theatre.  Outside of the parenting agreement you also agreed to split the federal and state tax refund equally.  You told me the amounts of these refunds and said you would give me a check for my half.  I understand you never received a check from the IRS but you did receive the refund in full as a payment toward a debt you agreed to pay.  It has also been brought to my attention that you paid cash for a house which tells me you could have paid me the money owed.  You choose to not pay. 

I have choices to make as well.  I can choose to continue letting you off the hook as far as the court orders go but that is not in the best interest of the children.  I can also choose to work with you, which is what I have been trying to do.  I am frustrated as the response I get from you is not cooperative.  Which leads me to another option, I can file contempt charges.  I have already met with my attorney and inquired with the court.  I have the evidence in writing from your emails and texts.  I also have the evidence from invoices to show I have made more than my required share of payments for school and therapy.  I don’t want to file contempt charges, that will not move us toward a cooperative co-parenting relationship.  I would like to work this out between the two of us.  If I am unable to get a response from you or if your response is similar to what you have already sent (or not sent) I will have to take that final option and file contempt.  If you doubt my follow through remind yourself that when you went against our agreement last year I filed for divorce.  If that doesn’t convince you it might do you well to remember that I was the one that filed the eviction papers and the civil complaint documents for the former tenants.  If that still does not convince you of my abilities or willingness to file contempt it would be wise to recognize that I write court motions as part of my job  I compile evidence and testify in court on a regular basis.  I am neither ignorant nor intimidated by the process.  Please do not confuse me writing this as an ultimatum or a threat.  It is neither, it is simply me spelling out what needs to change and the options for going about it.  I look forward to hearing from you and hope you are willing and able to move pass the negative feelings you hold against me as your ex-wife and will work with me as the mother of our children. 

At least it isn't worse

My schedule at work this week had me slotted to work 2.5 hours overtime.  The bosses don't look highly upon overtime so they urge us flex out early so our total work week is 40 hrs.  yesterday I did this.  I was able to leave work 2.5 hours early.  Knowing this, I called the dentist to see about getting those cancelled appointments in later in the afternoon.  I got lucky because they were able to see the two kids needing cleanings.  

I took all the children and we stopped at the library.  We then spent two hours at the dentist.  No cavities!  The drive home should have taken 30 minutes but the traffic at this time of day plus a seven car pile up added 30 minutes for a total of one hour of travel.  It wasn't how I wanted to spend an afternoon off but at least the dental visits for all seven kids are complete for the first half of the year.  I posted on FB tit took 13 hrs spread of three days for all the dental visits to be completed.  I added that it would be nice if the other parent in this co-parenting arrangement helped out.  I took 8 hours off work and used another 2.5 from working late to get the children seen. Adam could have cut that time way down if he had taken even three kids while he had them on a Wednesday.  Did I mention I live about 20 miles from the dentist and he lived about 5 miles?  Don't forget, I tried to make these appointments a coordinated effort but he declined.  

It was interesting that I posted about this and this morning got the following short and sweet email: 

Stop scheduling kids' dental, medical, and other appointments during my parenting time.

It might sound silly but even that type of email upsets me.  Maybe I have PTSD from all the maltreatment over the years, I don't know.  But I do get upset and I feel it physically.  I asked a friend for her input and guidance.  She suggested I stop relying on him.  She said while the court papers say there is a shared parenting agreement in place I am a single mother with sole responsibility for the care of the children.  She added, "Do you really want him handling appointments?  Do you think you would be courteous enough to let you know the outcome?"  She's right.  He isn't up to the task.  She said he frustrates her and she doesn't even know him.  She had a few other choice words to say about him which always helps me because then I feel less like a drama queen and more like he is wrong.  

After talking to my friend I went back to my desk and wrote the following reply:

The dental appointments I scheduled on June 8 were coinciding with my own appointment and I thought I had them on that day.  I did not realize they would be with you until later.  You could have asked that I take them to the appointment or you could have taken them yourself.  The parenting plan clearly states we are equally responsible for these types of appointments but you have made it clear you are not interested in following this portion of the agreement.  If you would like to be informed about the outcomes of their routine care feel free to contact the providers. 

He hasn't responded.  I don't know that I want him to.  I stepped out on a line with this email by standing up to him, even if it was a little stand.  The thing is, I am a victim.  A victim of verbal brutality and sexual assault.  I am his victim.  Over the years it was easier to appease him.  While I was never doing enough it mitigated the hurtful words and the emotional abuse.   I got used to what would come.  I knew what to expect and the pattern was easy(ish) to live with.  It was my normal. Standing up to him means opening the door to unknown reactions.  It means giving him the chance to tell me how I am wrong.  That is what is painful even though I know his perception is what is wrong.  

The last few weeks I have found myself falling back into old thought patterns.  I've thought how hard it is dealing with him and how hard it is going to continue to be.  Then I think how much easier it would be to just let him boss me, not pay me, etc.  

It could be worse, I know.  I actually met with my attorney again to find out what can be done about the belittling and obvious non-compliance with the parenting agreement.  And the lawyer said, "It could be worse."  I am aware it could be worse.  I have at least 11 examples that I deal with on a daily basis at work that remind me it could indeed be worse.  But knowing someone else's worse doesn't make my own trials easier.  It doesn't change the fact that in no one's eyes (or at least almost no one's) he raped me and yet I have to play nice.  It doesn't change the fact that over the last 13 months he has put me down in nearly every text and email.  It doesn't change the fact that I am the only parent worried about Ms. I Hate Everything.  It doesn't change anything about what I live.