Best wishes

Jan. 5, 2015

I get Adam's mail on occasion.  Today it was a disconnect notice for water.  I am faintly reminded of his comment nearly a year ago, the one about him being in charge of the bills because he wanted to make sure bills got paid.  Hm, interesting.

Jan. 8, 2015

Tonight, Little Girl came into my room crying because Adam wasn't answering her texts.  I asked him to text her.  His reason for not answering was he had been asleep.
While I had his attention, I asked if he wanted to start the new parenting time that was read into record at the divorce hearing today.  I gave him the choice because the divorce isn't actually final yet. His attorney was responsible for having the divorce decree and parenting agreement written prior to the hearing.  He showed up empty handed.  He didn't even have the edits from the dissolution version.  My attorney wrote up a very rough draft so we would have something.  All that meant was our case was heard two hours late because we still had negotiating and editing to do.  I could go on and on about it but I will refrain.  It mostly makes me sound spoiled.  Maybe I'll have a ak moment in the future but not now.  Right now I am just happy it is done.
Back to the offer I made to Adam.  He didn't know what I meant.  I texted the new agreement has him keeping them every other weekend but extends the time to Monday.  I asked if he wanted to start that schedule now or wait until the papers get filed.  He chose to start the extended weekends.

Jan. 11.  2015

I found out Middle Daughter has a Facebook account again.  I asked Adam why.  I really wanted to know why she has two.  He said he didn't know.  I commented that she is continuing to be sneaky but mostly bad at the sneaky part.
His response was interesting.  "I appreciate your efforts trying to discuss kid stuff with me, but I want to let you know that I don't feel comfortable talking with you after everything that has happened in e divorce.  Best wishes in your life.
Um, he is not comfortable?  How does he think it has been for me?!  I've had to negotiate with my rapist!  I've had to concede to my abuser!  He claimed I needed to stop playing the victim, did he forget he put me in that role?  I wonder if his discomfort comes from him feeling guilty.  I doubt it.

I don't need his advice

Jan. 2, 2015

Mr. Attorney,

Do we need to meet prior to the uncontested court date on 1/8?  Will Adam's attorney be writing up the final divorce decree?  Will I get to see it before court?  Is there any chance the judge will address the parenting portion on that date? 

I have a somewhat selfish question for the spousal support.  I was thinking about Adam being allowed to cohabitate with his brother, an able body and employed adult.  The (temporary) spousal support Adam pays was lowered based on financial hardship and his cohabitation was not taken into consideration.  Shouldn't that rule apply to us both?  What I mean is if Adam is allowed to cohabitate (I recognize living with family is a bit different) and that extra help is not calculated into his household finances and support orders then why would a potential cohabitation on my part be counted against me?  It puts us on an uneven playing field.  Adam gets to move on with his life while I am held in limbo.  To me, I already earned the "spousal support" by following Adam's rules for 14 years and should now be eligible for compensation for putting his education and employment as a priority.  I know this is how I think things should be and the court sees things differently.     

Adam did renew the insurance on my vehicle.  He sent me a text message saying he was upset with me because the lawyer sent him "threatening messages."  Little things like this are why I need the divorce and parenting decrees to be very black and white.  I need to know that while he wants to blame me for things, ultimately there are clear rules directing what can and cannot be done.  And I need the rules to be fair.  I am not trying to be difficult or spiteful or passive aggressive, I am being realistic as I know his personality and mental health history. 

Later that same day I had this textersation (totally just made up that word!) with Adam...

Me: I asked Middle Daughter why she was doing the massive comb over.  She said just because.  I had her let me comb it normal and discovered she chopped the left side pretty short.  She says she did it over a month ago which is a lie because I only cut it a few weeks ago.  I've asked her to come up with the consequence for 1. Lying (we discussed that hiding the bad cut job by combing over or pulling her hair up are both considered lying) 2. Disobeying for cutting her own hair.

Right now I am leaning towards cutting all her hair as short as the one side.  Seems like an appropriate natural consequence.

Adam asked I not do that.  I said I was open to suggestions.  He said she is a hard kid to raise but he doesn’t think that’s an appropriate punishment.  “I don't like that she lied. The thing is she's been doing that, and I don't think any punishment is going to change her doing that, because for some reason it's her adaptation to what's going on in her life.

I think cutting her hair really short is just going to make her resent you, and I think that your relationship with her is probably one of the most valuable things to preserve.”  Is he seriously trying to tell me how to parent?  Hahahahaha!

I asked what he thought the consequences should be. 

"I'm thinking about it, and I don't even know that punishment is the right thing. We want to make her stop the behavior, but as you've probably seen, punishment has not done anything to change her behavior.

She is the kid that's the very closest to you in temperament, and when you did things I didn't like, I tried to give you an additional amount of understanding and love. I don't know the right answer, but I know that punishment is just going to make it worse. And at this point and going into high school, making things worse can drive her into really bad behaviors. Drugs and alcohol abuse (including heroin) are real things for teenagers (even at her school), and I don't want her to feel those are directions she should turn toward.

maybe talk to her, hug her, and try to understand why she did that."

I replied that while he was busy typing that all out, Middle Daughter and I came up with a solution.  She is embarrassed about the bad cut job she gave herself so we are going to look up some short styles and pick a new one.  I'll take her to a salon tomorrow to have it fixed.

He said he would treat the other kids differently, but for her this seems like the right approach. "I definitely wouldn't shame her for it. I'm glad you guys came to a resolution. I really do think that a cooperative approach will help you maintain your relationship with her and still keep your boundaries respected."

I pointed out that I said consequences, not punishment.  Those are different things.  He said he agreed but it is easy to lose sight of the difference when you are mad at your kid.  I commented that I'm not mad.  I told her I was a little upset but we needed to work together so she doesn't look weird (her word not mine).

He said Thanks for keeping a level head with her. I recognize how hard it is.

I think my clear communication with him must have triggered some guilt because then he sent me photos and videos from Christmas.  And I thought, “Asshat.”  Why did I think asshat?  First, does he know what I do for a living?!  Does he think I don't know the issues of heroin in the area?  Does he think I am blind to troubles teenagers get into?  He makes himself look like a complete idiot by telling me this stuff.  Maybe he should learn even a small bit about what caseworkers do.  Maybe, just maybe he should do as he lectured me for 14 years.  He insisted I learn some basics of missile maintenance so he could talk to me about his work.  Then I had to learn about computers so he could talk to me about that.  I even took two classes in college about programming to please him (I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from those classes!).  I participated in his thesis and dissertation writing.  I supported him and tried my best to understand what his work involved.  I understand it's a bit different now that we aren't married because he doesn't need to support me in my work but really, trying to tell a children services caseworker that drugs are dangerous and blah blah blah?  Really?!

How the year ended

Dec. 19, 2014

Oldest Son decided he wants a completely new hairstyle. Thank goodness!  I will be trimming the sides and back as usual but he wants a shorter top because he thinks it looks nicer. I made sure to ask Adam first, he said it was fine.  He also wanted to know if he could take the two oldest tonight to a local concert to benefit the a Shelter.I said I would talk to them to find out if they wanted to go but added we had plans to do holiday stuff when I got home from work.

Then Adam said he looked at the parenting order and saw I would have all the kids Wednesday. He had planned for them to do their secret santa shopping that night. He wants to make sure they get the chance to do it.  He offered to give me a list of who picked who if you want to do it. 

So basically, he made them a promise to take them shopping, forgot or just didn't plan well, and now he wants me to take them and pay.  I explained he gets them at 9pm on Wednesday. I already let the littlest four do Santa shopping at the school, that's where little girl got the silly putty she gave him.  The same silly putty she worried he wouldn't like but I assured her he would like because it came from her.  The same silly putty he handed back to her after he opened it because "He said he thought I would like it more than him."  And yes, her heart was broke.  He is a true ass that does not stop to think how his actions or words come off to other people.  Sure, he thought Little Girl would like to play with it more than him but he could have let her "borrow" it.  By giving it back before he even played with it all he accomplished was rejecting her.  Yeah, that was a fun emotional mess to clean up.

It took him a little bit to realize Wednesday is Christmas Eve.  He said nevermind. "We'd planned to do something on our own as well so we'd have a Christmas here too. I just didn't plan well."  And this is nothing new.  Every year, seriously, he waits until the last minute to shop for anyone.  If you have ever received a gift from him it wasn't because he stopped and thought about you.  Nope.  It was because I stopped and thought about you.  The last few years he said it was my fault he didn't get in the holiday spirit because I shopped for everyone before he had the chance.  Here's the thing- I never told him who I shopped for.  This includes the children.  So you might be thinking, he obviously shopped for me.  Nope again, sort of.  he did buy me gifts but often times they were gag gifts or he would wait until 12/24 so there were limit items left.  Or there was the year that he waited until 11pm on Christmas Eve and he shopped online and printed up pictures of the items.  That year I got a purple dildo in the mail a couple weeks later.  It's the thought that counts and he couldn't even give me that much.   

Anyway, about his request for the benefit concert…Oldest had a party to go to tonight and Oldest Son said he is indifferent about the concert.  Since neither of them feels strongly about going I said no.

I offered that since mom is still in the hospital and the kids have the day off school, he could pick them up for shopping while I am at work.  He said that worked for him and he would get them around 3pm.  

Notice how I had to come up with the solution because he gave up?  That is a running theme with him.

  

Dec. 21, 2014

I had scheduled for three of the kids to have dental cleanings and mom was going to take them.  She is not quite up to the task yet.  I asked if Adam would be available Tuesday morning to take them.  He wasn't sure but would let me know when he had his planner.  

Dec. 22, 2014

By late morning, I hadn't heard back from Adam so I just cancelled the appointments.

An hour and a half later he replied:

I just looked and I am free.

I responded: Just canceled the appointment. If you want to call before they schedule someone  else feel free.  He never responded.

Dec. 24, 2014

Oldest and middle sons have a respiratory thing going on.  I texted Adam to let him know.  He said I should take them to a doctor.  I said they weren’t that sick but I wanted to make sure he knew since he would have them tonight.  His oh so nice response: Not through your lawyer this time?

Three hours later he texted that his truck wasn’t starting.  I said Ok.  I know what he wanted, he wanted me to volunteer to bring the kids to him.  But you know what?  I am not here to problem solve for him.  A little bit later he said his truck was not taking a jump.  I responded, Ok.  Then he wrote: I’m upset with you about the lawyer sending me threatening messages, so I hate to ask you to bring them over.  But I don’t know any other way.  Could you?  I simply said, yes.  I could have said so much more!  Like, if you didn't go against the protection orders by getting rid of my auto insurance then your attorney wouldn’t have had to inform you of the consequences. 

Dec. 25, 2014

I didn't want to interrupt Adam's holiday with the children. It's hard not being with them even though we celebrated yesterday.  It sucks that he got them for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and will get them for NYE as well.  

I did ask how Middle Son was doing with his illness.  Adam said he was doing better and didn’t look like death. 

Dec. 26, 2014

I got a text from Adam stating the little girls had been trying to text me and send me emails. One of them in particular would be really excited to hear back from me "if you have the time."  

I asked what app they were using because there weren’t any emails from them.  

Now as a responsible parent, I would have informed the other parent that the littles were sending some messages and how, so the other parent could reply quickly and not leave the kids hanging for a few hours.  But, that’s the responsible parent in me. The same responsible parent would have let the other parent know the little kids had phones!  

Dec. 29, 2014

Adam sent me a text copy of the auto insurance card.  It only took him…5 days.

Dec. 30, 2014

Little Girl texted me because she is sad.  She said Adam doesn’t play with her but he’s always “working.”  I asked if she wanted me to tell Adam.  She said yes. 

I let him know she asked me to ask him to play with her. She seems quite upset that he is working all the time. He said Ok, she was sitting next to him when she said that. 

"Also, thanks for texting with them. They really like that a lot. I think it's important."  If he saw her texting me and saw that she was upset, WHY THE HELL DID HE MAKE HER WAIT?!  

We'll call this "Working out the Parenting Kinks" and other miscommunications

Dec. 3, 2014

I received notification from the mortgage company that last month's payment was not complete.  Apparently, the amount increased and Adam did not feel the need to tell me, or the court.  (*remember this bit of info for a future post where Adam called me dishonest*).  I asked him when the amount went up and he said he doesn't know but will look it up but thinks it was the same time his mortgage increased.  How helpful.

Dec. 7, 2014

Middle Daughter asked me to cut her hair.  She wants a few inches chopped.  Since this is a major change, not just a trim to maintain the current style, I texted Adam letting him know her request and that i would be doing it.  I also let him know Oldest Son wanted a  couple inches cut for a new style.  He replied that the the oldest girls had begged him for a cut and dye but he said he would need to ask me first.  Hmm, interesting that he didn't bring this up until I did.  He said he figured I would be pretty upset if he just sent them back with short hair and black hair.  (*another bit of info to keep in your memory*) Yes, I would be upset.
When I was finished with the cutting of hair I sent him photos.  he approved.

Dec. 8, 2014

I asked if he would be available to pick the kids up early on Wednsday. 

Adam: I have a luncheon from 11 until 1 and I'm interviewing someone from 2 to 3. There might be a 3-4 meeting, but I'm not sure yet, it hasn't been confirmed. How early do they need to be picked up?

Me: I won't be back from WV until 7:30pm so mom will be with the kids.  If you could pick them up at 4:30 she would appreciate it.

He said he would do his best to get them early. 

Dec. 13, 2014 

Mom called, she is in the hospital.  I asked if Adam would be available to get littlest from school this week?  I am in training until Thursday and Friday I will be in Cleveland.

He said he would work it out so he could help. 

Dec. 14, 2014

Adam texted that he would be bringing the kids home late because he backed into a car.  I’m glad for the text but, I know I always have a but.  He is suppose to have them home at 7pm.  He texted at 6:51pm.  He was already running late and that’s probably why he hit a car. 

He also let me know one of the little girls lost a tooth and it is at his house. He'll do tooth fairy next time she's there.

He added that Middle Daughter was reported to have snuck on the computer at night but he hasn't checked the history yet. So glad he is taking her computer misuse seriously.  I was also informed that Oldest Son is evidently an ordained minister now (ask him).  Okay, where the hell is he that the kids are doing crazy things online?!

Dec. 15, 2014

I got a call from the Littlest's at 2:30pm, Littlest was still at school.  Adam forgot to pick him up! 

Adam claims it was because he thought I needed him to pick Littlest up on another day.  My email about it was pretty clear.  He should be honest and admit he just forgot. 

Dec. 16, 2014

I texted to remind Adam to pick Littlest up at 1:45pm. 

"I've got it. Sorry about yesterday..  I didn't process what you'd asked me to do. I was preoccupied with your mom being in the hospital."

Figuring out a holiday

Nov. 24, 2014
 My mom was sick and unable to pick littlest up from school.  I asked Adam if he could pick him up and drop him off with the older kids.  I sent this message in the morning, you know, giving Adam enough time to respond and plan.  He responded that he didn't have a car seat and wouldn't be able to do pick up.  It was nice of him to respond but can I do that nit picking thing I like to do?  Why doesn't he have a car seat in his vehicle?!  He does know that he is a father 24/7 doesn't he?  If there was an emergency at the school and they couldn't get ahold of me, Adam wouldn't be able to respond!  Is he stupid?

Later in the day he messaged:
I just wanted to get your expectations about what day the handoffs will be. Will I bring them back on Wednesday at 9PM, then pick them up Thursday? Keep them Wed night? Take them back to you on Sunday? Would you like them back Saturday instead? I’d like to hear what you are interested in and what your preferences are. This is their first Thanksgiving with us being apart, and this used to be a major family holiday for us, so I want to make it smooth for them and give them the chance to celebrate with both of us if we can at all work it out.  

I responded that I figured we would be following the standard orders.  That's all I expect because well, rules.  Does he really think he needs to remind me that this was/is a major family holiday? Does he think I forgot that every year for 15 years I loved planning the menu and inviting people over to join our family for a day of celebrating loved ones?  Does he really think I forgot or that it didn't dawn on me that this would be our first Thanksgiving apart?  

Then he texted: By the way email is fine for most things but if you need to get a hold of me in a timely manner please text or call (insert phone number) or send a Facebook message. I don't mind hearing from you. Unfortunately, I still get hundreds of emails per day and I often miss important emails until hours or days later. It's not the best way to reach me quickly.

**Now I will take a break from the past and jump to the present.  Adam likes to change the rules or his thoughts on things often.  he will swear up and down he doesn't but that's one point of me keeping this journal/blog.  He changes...a lot!  So these messages were just a few months ago.  Maybe one month ago, Adam blocked me (yet again) on Facebook.  He said "Leave me the fuck alone. I don't want you to contact me anymore."  That contradicts the bit about "I don't mind hearing from you."  And this bit "if you need to get a hold of me in a timely manner please text or call (insert phone number)?"  Well, it would appear Mr. Asshat has blocked me because every time I try to call (because of an emergency) it doesn't even ring but goes straight to voicemail.  When I say emergency I mean one of the children was experiencing suicidal ideation and self-harming, you can read about that in the January 2015 blog posts; if you didn't see Adam as an asshat before, those posts might do the trick.
Then there was the exchange from today.  He had them for Thanksgiving last year, and because of how his attorney wrote the parenting schedule he will also get them this year. Adam is refusing to compromise to he gets them for the holiday in even years and I get them in odd years because "It departs too much from the agreed schedule."  Oh, okay.  So all that wanting to make sure the kids had a smooth holiday, right out the window along with being fair.

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