October 2, 2014
I promised two of the elementary school kids they could go to an after school
activity. Mom can pick them up but I
thought I would give Adam the option. He
said he isn’t available because of work stuff.
He added that he was able to pay
the mortgages but had to let some of the other bills go unpaid because his
check is less than he expected. He said
they just started taking out taxes and insurance so it’s about $400 less. I did not respond. I wanted to but I didn’t. The very thing I was worried about happening
when he opted to take a lower paying job is happening: there isn’t enough
money. It’s worse now because he has
more obligations. I’ll be interested to
know what bills went unpaid; he didn’t say.
I’m curious to know why things are so tight when he has Spencer living
with him. Is Spencer not helping with
the bills of that house? I’m curious
what happened to Adam’s plan to work a second job when he switched to the university job. Before we separated, he was adamant that
money would not be a problem. Looks like
he was wrong.
October 4, 2014
Two of the children were complaining that their shoes are broken or too
small. I was out and about and texted
Adam to see what size they each wear. He
was very helpful and responded quickly.
He in turn asked if the kids had winter jackets. I told him I would check when I got
home. I was able to find one for four of
the seven kids. Adam volunteered to take
the kids without any jacket to Goodwill or Once Upon A Child to get one.
Later Adam asked about the tummyache littlest has had for a couple
days. Mom told him about it when Adam
picked the kids up. She told him Tums
seems to help. Adam said he didn’t have
any but could give him an Altoid. I hope
that was a joke. Anyway, he asked me if
I thought it was a virus or IBS.
Considering everyone except the oldest has had a stomach bug in the last
two weeks I am guessing a virus.
October 5, 2014
I asked how littlest was feeling.
Adam said better. He thought littlest was just constipated so he gave him oatmeal and “fiber
foods.” Within a few hours, Adam’s
“cure” wasn’t working and littlest was curled up whining. Adam is certain it’s IBS.
When I got the kids home littlest was acting okay and
wanted a little bit of food. I checked
with Adam to see what he had eaten already.
He fed him tacos and jello. He
also gave him part of a fiber pill. I’m
not going to question his way of dealing with an upset tummy but I wouldn’t
have given the kid tacos or a fiber pill.
October 8, 2014
I got the support orders in the mail. So did Adam.
He isn’t happy. He said it’s
almost his entire check and he won’t be able to pay all his bills so now the
house will get foreclosed on. He said
I’ll have the kids this weekend and Halloween.
He asked that I make sure they have costumes and to let them know he
loves them.
I replied that I don’t want to lessen his parenting
time and we can keep to the schedule we have now. He can also have them for Halloween because
they were all planning on it. He said he
can’t afford to do Halloween or to feed the kids. He said he also can’t afford to violate the
court order. I pointed out that we can
change the schedule if we want and agree.
I am biting my tongue with everything else I want to
say. He can get another job. He doesn’t have to catastrophize the
situation and just give up. If he wants
to spend time with the kids he can make it happen.
October 9, 2014
I thought about Adam’s text first thing this
morning. So I sent him the following
text:
The
Standard Order states that if we are in agreement there can be another
parenting schedule. Before I tell the kids that they won't be seeing you until
next Wednesday, I want to be clear about your decision. Would you like to
adjust the orders so that we continue with the arrangement we already had?
We could morph the orders and our plan and you could also have the
Wednesday 6-9pm. Or do you want to follow the Standard Orders?
What I got in return was: “I would like the orders
adjusted so neither of us have to lose a house and we can both feed
children. That would be helpful. That’s what dissolution was intended
for. Divorce obviously benefits you but
is far far worse for the kids and puts me completely at the mercy of the legal
system. It’s not my decision, I can’t
afford to feed them. I already paid both
mortgages this month, but have to pay the full amount. That leaves me less than zero dollars.”
I was very tempted to remind him that it wasn’t so
long ago that I was completely at his mercy and he told me it wasn’t his
problem. Or he would tell me to get a
job. Or the time he said I should budget
better. I didn’t say any of that. I also didn’t remind him of the times he went
away for the weekend and I had to figure out how to feed the kids during the time
he would normally feed them. Or the time
he refused to give me any money and I had to figure out how to make my money
stretch so I could feed the children. I
didn’t let him know of the struggle it has been since he stopped paying me in
June.
I could have told him any of that but it wouldn’t
have helped. Instead I simply asked for
a clear answer about visitation. He said
he can’t be clearer, he already told me.
Then he said, “And it’s unethical to expect me to
provide 50 percent of their care while taking money to represent that you
provide everything for them. So I hope
that was not your intention.”
I was simply asking if he wanted to see the
children. I found myself, once again,
biting my tongue. I could have informed
him that visitation and support are not tied together. The support is meant to maintain the home so
the children aren’t changing standards of living between parents. And since when does Adam provide 50% of the
care? I have the responsibility of
providing for them 119 hours a week and he has 49 hours. Or, we each have the responsibility of
providing for them 24hrs of everyday because we never stop being their parents
no matter who has them. And it isn’t
unethical to expect him to pay a higher percentage considering he makes a
higher income.
As frustrating as the morning was, night was
worse. I sat the kids down at dinner to
let them know about the orders. I
explained what child support is and spousal support. I let them know what temporary custody orders
are and Standard Orders. During the
discussion they asked questions and it was all fine. Oldest son raised his hand and said, “Daddy said
we need to get all our stuff from his house because he is moving.” This threw me so I told him to hold on while
I wrapped up what I was doing with everyone.
When I asked Oldest son to explain he repeated
himself. I asked him how he knew this
and he said Adam texted him. I asked
when, he said yesterday. I asked Oldest son if he would mind reading me the text.
This is when things got the opposite of “all fine.” He read the wrong text. It was still from Adam and it was still from
yesterday. It had a lot more
details. Worse, the little kids didn’t
need to hear the information from a text let alone their brother.
“Kids. I got a temporary child support order from
your mom’s attorney. She has you for
Beggar’s Night and I’ll only see you once every two weeks. Also I don’t have enough money this month to
pay my bills or groceries so you have to do your Halloween costumes by yourself
or with mommy. Also Jenny broke up with
me, so you won’t see her anymore either.
Sorry guys.”
Followed by:
“I can’t pay my mortgage here though. So next time you visit please get all of your
things and take them back to mommys.”
I think the little kids would have been fine with some of that information because I had just talked to them. The problem was Jenny. They had really gotten attached to her and
finding out that an important person in their life was gone was too much. One of the little girls was hysterical. She crawled into my lap and was bawling. That’s why I asked Adam that we both wait six
months to introduce boy/girlfriends to the kids. Children get invested immediately. He didn’t listen, he didn’t respect my wishes
as a parent and now my children are hurting.
The next issue: he texted the children last night
before he texted me. He texted the
children, period. What was he
thinking?! He basically left it up to
the older kids to tell the younger kids.
What kind of person does this?
What kind of man does this? What
kind of parent does this?
The next problem is the lies. He makes it sound like my lawyer is telling
him he has to pay and that he doesn’t get to see the children. No, the court ordered these things. He doesn’t get to see them once every two
weeks. He gets to see them every
Wednesday and every other weekend.
Another problem, he basically kicked them out. Why are they being told to pack their stuff
and get out? He’s the parent, he should
pack their things and either bring it to this house or take it all to wherever
he moves.
He’s an idiot that isn’t thinking. I’m sorry but he really is. He is not thinking about how his actions
(reactions) effect the kids. He isn’t
thinking about their emotional or mental well-being. He just isn’t thinking.
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