That time they thought I was septic

September 7, 2014

            Adam didn't send me any pictures of the birthday celebration he had at his house.  The oldest son was nice and sent me a video of her blowing out her candles.

            I was an hour into my second shift at the agency's booth when Adam texted.  It wasn't a picture.  He wanted to know if he could drop the kids off at the festival.  I hate changing plans last minute but I did make the offer so I said it was fine.  I did not realize he would be dropping them off at 6pm instead of the regular 7pm.  When I offered for him to drop them off "earlier" I meant earlier than 7:30pm.  Again, he didn't have his children for two weeks and he doesn't take the opportunity to have them for an extra bit of time?  I know this probably falls under a difference in parenting but for a man that once said he would take full custody if it were offered, or says he misses the kids, he doesn't show it well. 

            After I got the kids, little girl let me know they had first visited Jenny at her library booth.  Oh, I get it, Adam wanted to visit with his girlfriend and that's why he was bringing the kids to me early.  I know I shouldn't focus on it but I think that is a huge flaw that he needs to fix ASAP. 

Little girl also told me that Jenny was at the birthday party and brought her a gift.  Another parenting difference, but do Adam and Jenny realize how invested they are allowing the kids to get?  They already broke up once, is this a good idea?  I don't think so. 

            That wasn't the end of my frustrations.  The kids were hungry.  They said Adam only gave them PBJ sandwiches for dinner because "We have to hurry up and leave to the festival."  If he used gluten free bread those were very tiny sandwiches and if he used regular bread he gave them all gluten!  They also filled up on soda and candy at the festival before he brought them to me (even littlest had a Mt. Dew).  I let them each have some milk and fruit and I heated some leftovers once we got home. 

            Even that was not the end of my frustrations with Adam.  When he first dropped them off, he said he had their bags and asked if we could put them in the van.  One, I'm kind of at work and can't go do that.  Second, the van will be full because it is being used to transport all the booth stuff.  I suggested he just go and drop it off at the house, it would be fine on the back porch.  The kids and I assumed we would get home and their things would be there.  We assumed incorrectly.  The oldest was freaking out because her school stuff was in his truck.  I told her I was sure he would bring it later.  He did, close to 8pm.  I do wonder what he was doing for those couple of hours he had no children that made it impossible to drop their things off sooner.  I guess that is just another difference in how we do things.

September 9, 2014

            The fever I have had since last week finally wore me down enough that I made an appointment with my doctor.  I was in an exam room for a couple hours before it was decided to have me admitted at the hospital.  Since I don’t have a spleen there was a concern that I was septic.  The plan is to have me on IV antibiotics for 24 hrs and to run all sorts of tests to find out what the infection is and where it is at. 

            I called Adam to tell him he needed to take the kids for the next day but expect to have them all week.  I was amazed that he did not give me a hard time.  He asked if he should cancel the class he teaches.  That’s up to him, at the time I just needed to get to the hospital. He could discuss things with Mom since she is currently the caregiver for the children in the afternoons.

            I got admitted and hooked up to the IV.  Around 6pm, Mom and Bill came to visit.  Mom said Adam made a couple comments that rubbed her wrong.  He first said that this would all be easier if I had let him buy the house closer to me.  True, him picking the kids up and taking them home would be easier if he lived 10 houses away but every single day of my life would not be easy so, I don’t care.  It would also be easier if Adam hadn’t stopped paying me a monthly allowance or if he paid the kids' school fees, or if he would pay the utility bills on time.  Lots of things could make everyday easier, him living closer is not one of them. 

            Adam also asked mom to keep him updated because “Heather still isn’t talking to me and I don’t know why.”  Apparently, Mom had to work really hard to not laugh at that one.  He also told her that he works from home now but teaches class at 3:30pm T and TH.  He asked if she could watch littlest tomorrow.  At first she said yes but then she realized there is no reason he shouldn’t be taking care of littlest if he doesn’t teach class.  Adam probably thinks he won’t get much work done with a toddler around.  The smart aleck in me wants to tell him to suck it up.  I had to do college with not only a toddler but also six other children in the home.  Even when we were “happily” married, he was often gone during term paper writing and finals weeks.  Then, let’s not forget, when I was trying to finish up my degree when he had first moved out.  He said it was my problem to figure out when to work and to manage my time better.  Touche friend.  Now he can step up and be a single parent of seven children and work.

            As for my hospital stay, the doctor from infectious control said I will be in for 2-3 days while they wait for the blood cultures.  I will be on the IV antibiotics during that time.  When the cultures come back, they will make a more specific plan.  He also said that without my spleen I don’t even need to get actively sick, I just need to be exposed to the bacteria or virus to be at risk for sepsis.  He said this is usually a bigger risk if I work with children.  Then he asked what I do for a living.  He wasn’t the first physician to ask that question since I was admitted and they all had the same response: a deep sigh and nod of the head.  I guess my career choice isn’t too good for my health but it is the only option I have and I know the work benefits children that really have no choice. 

            They were able to get my temp down to 97.7.  It was the first time in a week that I felt fine, tired and weak but fine.  My BP went down to eighty something over fifties.  I’m not too worried about the BP right now.

September 10, 2014

I was hopeful that the hot flashes and sweat from last night meant the fever had broke but that was short lived.  I was woken up around 2am by body shakes and chills.  The fever was back.  I was dosed with Tylenol and wrapped in two warm blankets along with the three blankets I already had.  After an hour, the fever and chills were better.  When I woke up around 4am the bed was drenched in sweat and my BP was down again.  Ugh!  

            Two of the children texted me at some point late last night.  Mom said oldest son had commented that people don’t normally get taken to the hospital for a fever so I have a feeling they are worried beyond what they need to be.  I’m hoping Adam was able to explain things to them appropriately. I let oldest son know I am doing fine but I’m sure he doesn’t believe me. 

            Adam asked if I wanted to have the kids visit this afternoon.  I think they would be more worried if they saw me hooked up to the IV and weak.  I was grateful and surprised he offered.  I was also surprised he didn’t make me feel guilty for saying no. 

            I did talk to the kids in the evening.  They all sound great!  Oldest child was the only one to voice concern about me getting better.  I told her what the doctors are doing and what needs to happen for me to come home.  Given I was only guessing but I need to give the kid something!

            Two of the kids mentioned I sounded different.  I told them it’s probably because I am just very tired.  I am tired!  I also found out, after getting off the phone, that the fever had creeped back up.  It was gone nearly all day without any meds.  This is so frustrating.

September 11, 2014

            Tylenol is keeping the fever down.  We wait until I just start to have symptoms (chills or shakes) before treating.  That way we know if the fever is gone or just masked.  Yesterday was like taking five steps backwards.  I don’t want to feel like that again!  In the middle of the night I had just gotten the chills and was able to get Tylenol on board before I felt worse.  That meant a decent sleep, a decent hospital sleep.

            Adam is doing a better job at keeping me up to date on the kids than he has in the past six months.  I am happy that he is stepping up right now but I don’t think it should have taken an emergency for him to do so.  A good co-parent should be able to interact with the other parent no matter the emotions and problems related to the separation.  That’s just my thought.  Anyway, He sent me photos of permission slips he signed for middle son.  One is a field trip slip and the other is for Science Club.  He said he signed them because they are due today but I can decline middle son’s participation.  I said I would ask a friend to drive him home after Club (her daughter comes to my house after school, and the mom is a teacher and middle son’s school).  Adam said he had already worked that out.  I was impressed for about a minute, then the next text came through. 

“I’m sorry you are sick and that this happened to you.  I’m really enjoying having the kids during the week and being involved with their school lives.  It’s extremely important to me and I feel like I was being restricted from that part of their lives.”

           

            Who exactly was restricting him?  Didn’t I send copies of school calendars or club information with the kids to his house?  Did I not text pics of production lists?  What about the high school orientation?  He has restricted himself.  I might be reading too much into things, but I feel like he is blaming me.  He is the one that did not actively get involved.  He is the one that was use to having a wife make school appointment and then remind him that we needed to be somewhere.  He’s the one that needs to learn to do that on his own now. 

            If he wants to open the “restricted” we can.  I have been restricted from important moments in the kids lives when they are with him.  He never sent me photos over text during birthdays, events, celebrations, or random fun summer moments.  I’m not meaning keeping me in the know everyday but just those important moments that are memories the kids will have for a lifetime.  I’ve been left out.  On the other hand, I sent him photos.  I let him know what was going on.  I did. 

            I had a moment last night.  I’ll blame the fever and hospital stay blues.  I thought how much I hate Adam.  I hate him for so many reasons.  It’s his fault I am in this hospital.  I know he didn’t give me a germ.  He didn’t take my spleen.  But he chose to leave me.  He forced my need to work outside the home.  He has had me under constant stress.  No matter what the medical reason is for me being sick it is Adam’s fault.  If I have sepsis, I most likely got it from being in contact with people, more so than my immune system can handle. And that is happening because I have to work so that the kids eat.  If I am just sick and my immune system is having a hard time keeping up then stress is the problem.  And why am I stressed?  Adam, work, single parent.  All things that happened because he made choices that put me on this path. 

            I am reminded of a text he sent me months ago.  He said something about how he had sacrificed more than me.  I want to yell and laugh and cry all at the same time.  I will never deny the hard work Adam did year after year.  He was an excellent provider.  He did a lot for the family. When he deployed that was a huge sacrifice-a sacrifice the entire family made not just him.  I have given birth seven times and each time I risked my life.  Not “risked my life” like every other mother does but willingly recognized that my disorders placed me at a high risk.  But I was willing to risk and sacrifice because it meant bringing another life into the world.  We decided together but I was the one going through the physical demands.  Then there was that time I was hospitalized for four days because the amount of stress I was under made my immune system crash.  I was six months pregnant with Lauren and worried I would lose her.  I worried I would let Adam down.  I had been trying so hard to do everything so Adam could do his double master’s and band.  I was taking care of home and kids, I was searching for a home and preparing for our upcoming move.  I was taking it all on because he needed me to.  I sacrificed and we almost lost our child.  And now.  When will he think I have done just as much work, sacrifice, whatever, to match what he has done?  When will he appreciate what I have done for our family?

            In the evening, the doctor from infectious diseases came in and said the cultures still hadn’t grown much.  He said I could stay in the hospital one more day on the IV or go home and take an oral antibiotic.  I opted for going home!  My energy level is still incredibly low and I am worried the fever will be back.  It was emphasized that I need to rest. 

            I asked Adam to keep the kids through Sunday.  I know if they are home I will need to be up early in the morning to get them off to school.  They will be up late at night and I won’t sleep soundly anticipating a child need in the middle of the night.  Then there is the childcare in the middle of the day.  Just thinking about it has me relapsing!  Adam was very willing to keep the kids as long as I need him to keep them.  I know he is just being helpful but part of me worries he will use it against me later on.  As much as I want him to trust me, I need me to trust him.  I also need to recognize I need to rest and take it easy so I don’t end up back in the hospital and that might mean letting Adam keep them a bit longer.  I miss them but what time I take now means time I don’t spend away from them later. 

            Gary had planned to come visit me in the hospital but since I got discharged he drove me home and made me dinner.  I made a comment about needing to clean and he said “There is no way you will rest if I leave you here. “  I said I would be fine but the longer I was at home the more I saw things that needed to be cleaned and I realized he was right.  There were a couple more reasons Gary thought I should come stay at his house for the weekend.  The first, Mom is in the middle of a migraine and can’t come take care of me if I need help.  At Gary’s, his daughter is home all day and can help.  Then there is my dog.  Gary has a fenced in yard so I can just open a door and be done with it, at home I have to walk the dog out to his lead and hook him up, etc. 

            It took me a couple hours to see Gary’s logic and accept it but first I had to weigh my health needs with not seeing the kids after school for a couple hours.  I miss them, I really do.  This putting myself first thing is not natural.  I know I am doing what I need to do and when I think about it I could just as easily be at the hospital still.  I anticipate a guilt trip from Adam, the kids, and myself.  Right now, my health is the priority and the guilt needs to take a hike.