Oh just shut up already

October 10, 2014

I’m trying to not be reactive about last night.  It’s difficult.  I have at least three kids that are confused and sad.  I guarantee I have at least four others that are upset and confused and worried.  I’ve thought about and have come to a decision, I want to ask for full custody.  Adam is not able to put his knee jerk reactions in check.  He is not showing himself to be a stable enough to parent these children.  He doesn’t deserve to co-parent because he hasn’t been willing to for the past seven months at least.  He has continually put himself first.   Currently, he is not willing to do anything he can to see his children.  I know the law is that parents have a constitutional right to parent.  The law can say what it wants.  I say a parent has the right to parent until they mess up and then they maintain the right to earn the privilege to parent.  In my mind Adam has messed up and this time he messed up big. 

But I know what I think only matters so much.  I also know the children love him.  So, I decided to extend kindness this morning.  I sent the following email:

“I just remembered, I'll be taking the kids to the Trunk or Treat at work on the 29th.  Since I will get that time to see them dressed up and take them out would you like Halloween night? 

Also, I just finished scheduling parent/teacher conferences for the three little ones.  I will do a phone conference with Ms. Preschool teacher next Tuesday.  I'll email you the details of that one.  Little Girl's conference is Wednesday the 15th at 6:15pm and Other Little Girl's is at 6:45pm.  I have not gotten any requests from Middle Son's, Oldest's, or Oldest Son's teachers.  Ms. Middle Child's teachers said she wasn't in need of one. 

The kids will be off school the 16th and 17th (Thursday and Friday).  Since you have scheduled visits every Wednesday from 6-9pm, next week would you like to have your parenting time begin Wednesday but carry through those days off and into your weekend parenting time?  That would give you five days with them. 

Lastly, are you still in agreement that I can take Middle Son to Brickfest on 10/18? “

I got what started out as a surprisingly nice response.  Started out being the thing. 

“Heather,

I would like to take the kids for Beggar's Night. And you may take Middle Son to Brickfest. 

I see that you are trying to extend me the parenting time I had before, and first I want to tell you that I appreciate that you are offering that. It means a lot to me. Unfortunately, I can tell by your last few communications that you may not yet understand the full impact of these court orders and why they are in reality prohibiting me from being a parent. 

Because of the alimony and child support you were awarded, I am now financially unable to have parenting time with the kids. I cannot provide them meals, drive them, or heat the home. I want to, but I can't. 

I've included a table of my bills to help explain. The first column is the bill or debt I am responsible for. The second column is how much it costs. The third column is the running balance left over after each of these are paid. Groceries, gas to get to work, heat, and garbage service are now luxuries I cannot afford. 

Pay		5515.87
Alimony	1284	4231.87
Ch Supt	2056	2175.87
Mortgage	1577.94	597.93
Car	374.59	223.34
Insurance	90	133.34
Electric	103.32	30.02
Vectren	39.11	can't pay
Garbage	20	can't pay
Gas	350	can't afford
Groceries	600	can't afford
Credit card	500	can't pay
Taxes	300	can't pay
Pre. Empl. backpay	416	can't pay
Internet	51.41	can't pay
Phone	236.25	can't pay

This arrangement makes homelessness and hunger a real possibility on one hand and makes jail time and job (income) loss a real possibility on the other. All of these things are absolutely detrimental to the development of the kids. It also will effectively deprive them of their father, take away their childhood home, and ruin your own credit in the process. They will remember all of these things for the rest of their lives.

There are other arrangements we could put in place which would allow us both to keep our homes, pay our bills, retain our credit, and pay off our debts responsibly. I hope you consider these either in mediation, through the courts, or through some other type of arrangement besides the litigation game where only lawyers win. 

Adam”

I don’t care about his finances!  That’s on him to figure out.  I am so tired of having this discussion with myself but I can’t say anything to him.  He can get a second job.  He can do something that makes his budget work.  Guilting me is not going to work.

He is trying to manipulate me into giving in.  I won’t do it.  I shouldn’t have to either.  For as long as the temporary orders are in place this is how we live.  I had no option but to struggle until support orders were made.  Actually, I have no option but to struggle until I get the support.  He is blind to how difficult life has been for me for seven months.  He thinks I am doing all this to him.  He thinks he is powerless.  Guess what?  He’s wrong!  He has options.  Instead of being reactive he can be active.  He can call the mortgage company and explain the situation.  He can sell a guitar or amp.  He can ask Spencer to help with bills.  He can do something other than jump to worse case scenario.  I did.  I made things work out when he left.  I made the hard choices.  I did the difficult work.  He needs to man up now. 

October 11, 2014

I probably overstepped some boundary today but I couldn’t not do it.  I asked Jeff to check in on Adam.  He asked why and I said that I was concerned because of the texts and emails Adam had sent me.  Jeff still didn’t get it so I told him the temp. orders have Adam thinking the world is ending.  Jeff said he hasn’t actually seem Adam in about two months but texts on occasion.  He said he would text today just as a check in. 

October 15, 2014

Last night, around 11:30pm, Adam texted asking if I had a minute.  I didn’t respond.  I had been asleep and I know from past experiences that he would often drop things on me in the middle of the night.  At 11:30pm, I was not ready to be told what a horrible person I was or how he had thought things over and now had a different view.  I waited until morning to text back.

He said there were two things he wanted to tell me.  First, his feelings have softened about the kids meeting Gary.  Adam said he talked to Gary’s estranged wife, and based on what she told Adam, he doesn’t feel the need to be worried about the kids being in danger from Gary.  Great, but I suspect next week Adam will change his mind and claim Gary is a threat and danger and must never be allowed around the children.

Then he said the second thing was more personal and just something he wanted to share.  He said he is on medication to manage depression.  He remembers me mentioning that I thought he had been dealing with depression for years without knowing it.  He just wanted to let me know I was right and he was getting treatment.  He said he was terribly ashamed of it because he didn’t want to be like his mom or dad.  So, because he chose to ignore a very real problem for so many years, I got screwed.  I guess I should be relieved he is getting help. 

He said there was one more thing.  He wants me to know that through work he has done, he is able to see how rude, arrogant, and disrespectful he has been to me in our arguments.  He said it felt like he was just trying to get a point across but he can see that his words had the effect of devaluing me and were amazingly hurtful.  He claims he never intended that and never realized it, so he is sorry…”x1000.”  He added it would take all day to be specific about the individual things he is sorry for.  He recognizes I deserve to be told but didn’t bother to do so.  He isn’t sure if I’ll believe or trust his apology but he needed to tell me.  “It’s been kind of a big week.”  He apologized that it is so little so late but he is serious about taking ownership for his role in how bad things were.  He hopes that somewhere in the far future he is able to earn my trust again and we can grow some sort of working relationship. 

It sounds horrible but I do doubt his sincerity.  It seems like an amazing coincidence that he is offering this apology the day before mediation.  And if I deserve a more detailed apology why am I not getting it?  Maybe in time I will believe he is sorry but he has claimed to feel bad in the past and then turned around and blamed me for everything.  Past behaviors predict future behaviors. 

Later in the day I asked if he would like to pick one of the little girls up from school and spend some extra time with her.  He said yes.  I also said he could pick the kids up from the elementary school for his Wednesday parenting time instead of the house because parent teacher conferences started at 6:15pm.  His parenting time, per the Standard Order, started at 6pm, he wasn’t there.  Little Girl’s teacher saw me waiting so she did her conference early.  Then the other teacher let me come in early, at 6:20pm, Adam still wasn’t there.  He must have arrived shortly after I went in the second classroom because he was waiting when I got out.