Shaking my head and rolling my eyes

October 22, 2014

Yet again, Adam’s response showed how much he is focused on his potential financial hardship. 

“You've seen my budget. That rate of spousal support, and the child support (which I expect will be similar to the temporary order) makes it impossible for me to live on. It means we're both in for bankruptcy. 

I can't stop you from using the force of the court if you are intent on punishing me, but it's not good for the kids that they lose this house and all the friends they've made here. I was dealing with very hard things deep down from my childhood that I didn't realize were keeping me from being a great husband. I regret that I didn't become aware of them or handle them sooner. But I don't want you to take away my ability to be an active father to these kids or put them through the same uncertainty in their lives that you and I had. Ruining me financially will do that. It's just money. Please leave me enough to live on.”

I’m not going to respond to him.  I can’t.  I’ve been good at keeping my communications fairly neutral lately.  Instead I sent Mr. Attorney my thoughts. 

“Mr. Attorney,

I tried to keep the line of communication going with Adam in hopes that we could settle the spousal support amount on our own.  His response (see below my rambling) doesn't look like he is willing to budge from the $800 he offered this weekend.  I guess that means the court takes over from this point. 

Heather

This portion of the email you can ignore if you like but I have been very good at biting my tongue when Adam sends me this type of email or text and I'm afraid my tongue will fall off at this point! 

1. He needs to stop threatening me with bankruptcy.  It's pointless.  Using his logic, if I compromise to the amount he is willing to pay I will not be able to make ends meet and will be filing bankruptcy anyway.  He has the ability to earn more money, I do not.  His budget is in trouble because of his debts- things that will go away.  My budget is tight because of fixed expenses-my debts are a very small portion of my monthly needs. 

2. I am not intent on punishing him.  I am intent on surviving and being a mother.  My work, the only job offer I received, makes it nearly impossible for me to get a second job.  Even if I got another job it would most likely be minimum wage and take up the time I have with the children. 

3. Adam talking about the kids losing that house and the friends is interesting seeing as Adam just recently tried to move out of that house which would result in the very same thing.  The very likely consequences that he is ignoring if I don't "punish" him are the kids and I moving and the kids losing out on the school the auditioned for and got in and friends.  He knows what that school means to the kids.  He knows how hard they worked to get in, this is not something I am willing to bargain away just so Adam doesn't have to face the consequences of his poor decision making. 

4. He should have realized that something was keeping him from being a great husband because I told him that we needed to get him into counseling.  I didn't put it all on him, I was willing to help him.  He willingly chose to ignore his problems and the results of the psych eval he had completed.  In the meantime, I had to face some very hard things on a regular basis because my husband was emotionally and sexually maltreating me.

5. No one is taking away Adam's ability to be an active father, no one except Adam.  I have clients that are homeless and they find ways to participate in their children's lives.  Adam can be an active father, he never lost that ability, he just chooses to be inactive. 

6. I am not ruining him financially.  I did not choose for him to take a $40,000 pay cut.  I am not the one that went $12,000 into debt following the separation.  If his finances are ruined it's because he didn't have the forethought to think through the consequences. 

7.  If it's just money then why is he fighting so much?  Again, he has a degree and the work experience that will allow him to afford the bills he has and the support he is obligated to pay. I have done what I could do when he left me.  I wrapped up my college degree and skipped over the classes I wanted to take for the degree I wanted because I knew the most important thing was to just finish.  I job hunted even before I graduated.  I applied for more jobs than I care to count and attended a job fair.  I stopped being a stay at home mom because I couldn't afford it any longer.  Adam does not realize the compromises and sacrifices I have made, that the children have had no say in making.  It's his turn."

October 24, 2014

This morning I texted Adam to find out if he would like to see the kids this Sunday since he will be out of town on Wednesday.  Waiting for a response......

It seems Adam got tired of discussing things just between us.  Mr. Attorney informed me that he had received a proposal from Mr. Other Attorney.  Adam will accept the parenting schedule I suggested with the addition of an overnight on the Wednesdays during the week he does not get them on the weekend.  He is also proposing $800 for spousal support and $215 per child per month or $1550. 

I sent Mr. Attorney my thoughts.

“So many "every other weeks/weekends" for the parenting schedule is too confusing.  I still do not think it is a good idea to have the children following two different schedules during the week because children thrive on routine and stability. But I will compromise because I understand I am not the only parent making decisions.  To simplify things though, I will offer the standard order for parenting time with the addition of an extended weekend (as previously offered by me) the first weekend of the month and an extended Wednesday, as he is proposing, every second and fourth week of the month.


As for the support amounts, he hasn't changed on the numbers he proposed prior to the pre-trial.  I am willing to accept $1550 in child support, for one year.  That gives Adam the opportunity to pay down his debts and make the changes he has already expressed he will make: sell his car, the house, and get another job. I am not willing to accept $800 for spousal support as I already expressed.  I am standing firm at $1200 for spousal support.”

Later in the day Adam texted me.  I thought it would be a response to see the kids this weekend.  I was wrong.  He texted me asking if I would be transferring the children's phone lines to my AT&T account.  I told him it is for work.  He responded that he will be canceling all the lines and will not be paying the remaining balance for my iPhone and is requesting it back.  I asked when he is canceling and he texted "ASAP.  If you want to keep the numbers you need to call T-mobile to take them over."  He wants an answer from me by tomorrow morning (10/25).  I am wondering if he can cancel this service without being in contempt? I have no problem giving him the phone back but I do have a small problem with him canceling the children’s phones and my mom’s phone-the only compensation she gets for helping with the kids. 

October 26, 2014

I had a “questions, comments, concerns” talk with the two oldest today.  I was given some information and they asked some great questions.  The Oldest verified that they did not have anyone to go to during the day when they were at Adam’s while he was at work.  I told them Adam had said Mr. Across the Street Neighbor was checking on them and if they needed anything they could go to him.  Oldest looked at me like I had two heads.  She then said, “Daddy said we weren’t allowed outside while he was gone. If we needed help, I figured we would go directly next door.”  Then I told her those neighbors work during the day.  She said, “Oh.”

Oldest Son asked what Adam and my combined income was.  This seems like a weird question for a 13-year old boy to ask but ever since we started the Dave Ramsey program we have been very open about finances with the children.  Anyway, I told him it was just about what it had been when just Adam worked.  Oldest Son then asked if that’s true why are things so tight.  “Didn’t we still have to pay for the other house?”  I said yes but now there were more debts to pay and Adam was getting paid less. 

I asked them if I could ask some questions.  They said sure.  I asked if Spencer is living with Adam.  They said yes.  I asked if Spencer was working.  They said yes, and Oldest Son added that he works at Local Game Store.  Then I asked if Spencer pays Adam to live there.  Oldest said, “Daddy told us he isn’t charging Spencer rent but instead Spencer is suppose to clean.”  Interesting seeing as when Spencer lived with us we had to get on him to keep his area clean.  It’s also interesting that Adam has a wage earner in his home living for free but wants the kids and me to do with less.  I guess supporting his nearly 30 year old brother is a higher priority than supporting his children. 

I am frustrated with Adam when it comes to the support issue but more so I am frustrated at his lack of communication about more parenting time.  And even more than that frustration is the fact that he doesn’t take extra parenting time when I offer it.  He claims to want the children more often but where are the actions to back his words?  One thing I was taught in casework core training was that when there is a discrepancy between verbal and nonverbal messages- go with the nonverbal because it is harder to fake that one.  If I use that training in my personal life I am left believing Adam is not interested in having more time with his children.