Jan. 2, 2015
Mr. Attorney,
Do we need to meet prior to the uncontested court date on 1/8? Will Adam's attorney be writing up the final divorce decree? Will I get to see it before court? Is there any chance the judge will address the parenting portion on that date?
I have a somewhat selfish question for the spousal support. I was thinking about Adam being allowed to cohabitate with his brother, an able body and employed adult. The (temporary) spousal support Adam pays was lowered based on financial hardship and his cohabitation was not taken into consideration. Shouldn't that rule apply to us both? What I mean is if Adam is allowed to cohabitate (I recognize living with family is a bit different) and that extra help is not calculated into his household finances and support orders then why would a potential cohabitation on my part be counted against me? It puts us on an uneven playing field. Adam gets to move on with his life while I am held in limbo. To me, I already earned the "spousal support" by following Adam's rules for 14 years and should now be eligible for compensation for putting his education and employment as a priority. I know this is how I think things should be and the court sees things differently.
Adam did renew the insurance on my vehicle. He sent me a text message saying he was upset with me because the lawyer sent him "threatening messages." Little things like this are why I need the divorce and parenting decrees to be very black and white. I need to know that while he wants to blame me for things, ultimately there are clear rules directing what can and cannot be done. And I need the rules to be fair. I am not trying to be difficult or spiteful or passive aggressive, I am being realistic as I know his personality and mental health history.
Later that same day I had this textersation (totally just made up that word!) with Adam...
Me: I asked Middle Daughter why she was doing the massive comb over. She said just because. I had her let me comb it normal and discovered she chopped the left side pretty short. She says she did it over a month ago which is a lie because I only cut it a few weeks ago. I've asked her to come up with the consequence for 1. Lying (we discussed that hiding the bad cut job by combing over or pulling her hair up are both considered lying) 2. Disobeying for cutting her own hair.
Right now I am leaning towards cutting all her hair as short as the one side. Seems like an appropriate natural consequence.
Adam asked I not do that. I said I was open to suggestions. He said she is a hard kid to raise but he doesn’t think that’s an appropriate punishment. “I don't like that she lied. The thing is she's been doing that, and I don't think any punishment is going to change her doing that, because for some reason it's her adaptation to what's going on in her life.
I think cutting her hair really short is just going to make her resent you, and I think that your relationship with her is probably one of the most valuable things to preserve.” Is he seriously trying to tell me how to parent? Hahahahaha!
I asked what he thought the consequences should be.
"I'm thinking about it, and I don't even know that punishment is the right thing. We want to make her stop the behavior, but as you've probably seen, punishment has not done anything to change her behavior.
She is the kid that's the very closest to you in temperament, and when you did things I didn't like, I tried to give you an additional amount of understanding and love. I don't know the right answer, but I know that punishment is just going to make it worse. And at this point and going into high school, making things worse can drive her into really bad behaviors. Drugs and alcohol abuse (including heroin) are real things for teenagers (even at her school), and I don't want her to feel those are directions she should turn toward.
maybe talk to her, hug her, and try to understand why she did that."
I replied that while he was busy typing that all out, Middle Daughter and I came up with a solution. She is embarrassed about the bad cut job she gave herself so we are going to look up some short styles and pick a new one. I'll take her to a salon tomorrow to have it fixed.
He said he would treat the other kids differently, but for her this seems like the right approach. "I definitely wouldn't shame her for it. I'm glad you guys came to a resolution. I really do think that a cooperative approach will help you maintain your relationship with her and still keep your boundaries respected."
I pointed out that I said consequences, not punishment. Those are different things. He said he agreed but it is easy to lose sight of the difference when you are mad at your kid. I commented that I'm not mad. I told her I was a little upset but we needed to work together so she doesn't look weird (her word not mine).
He said Thanks for keeping a level head with her. I recognize how hard it is.
I think my clear communication with him must have triggered some guilt because then he sent me photos and videos from Christmas. And I thought, “Asshat.” Why did I think asshat? First, does he know what I do for a living?! Does he think I don't know the issues of heroin in the area? Does he think I am blind to troubles teenagers get into? He makes himself look like a complete idiot by telling me this stuff. Maybe he should learn even a small bit about what caseworkers do. Maybe, just maybe he should do as he lectured me for 14 years. He insisted I learn some basics of missile maintenance so he could talk to me about his work. Then I had to learn about computers so he could talk to me about that. I even took two classes in college about programming to please him (I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from those classes!). I participated in his thesis and dissertation writing. I supported him and tried my best to understand what his work involved. I understand it's a bit different now that we aren't married because he doesn't need to support me in my work but really, trying to tell a children services caseworker that drugs are dangerous and blah blah blah? Really?!
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