Told ya so

September 14, 2014

            I had a nice restful weekend.  I anticipated having a huge messy house to clean.  It wasn’t bad.  I thought Mom had maybe stopped by and cleaned up over the weekend.  I called to thank her and she said she hadn’t done it.  Turns out, the kids and Adam straightened up a bit on Friday when he picked them up after school.  That was very nice and I thanked him. 

It was nice seeing the kids and having them home.  We went grocery shopping and had a calm night. 

September 15, 2014

            I think Mother Nature is very mean.  It seems like it was just summer weather last week and this morning was wintery cold.  Littlest dressed himself in shorts and a polo.  I suggested he put on some pants and he said they were all at daddy’s house.  I checked his room and sure enough, he only had a pair of sweatpants.  I texted Adam and asked if he could bring some pants over today.  He said he would. And he did!  I’m trying to not let my hurt and anger over the last six months or so get in the way of me accepting his change in behavior. It’s hard, though.  He hurt me and I can’t just forget and move on.  I know that was always one of his complaints, that I held a grudge or gave him the silent treatment.  I usually would let things go, or at least pushed them aside.  I can’t do that this time.  I can’t just act like everything is fine.  It might sound childish but I won’t easily accept any kindness from him until he apologizes for everything he has put me through.  He has to take responsibility for the wrongs he has done. 

September 17, 2014

            I got interim reports in the mail.  All the kids have at least one A but the older kids all have a couple Ds and Fs also.  This is unacceptable.  I texted Adam photos of all the interims and the kids explanations for the low grades.  He thanked me for sharing.  I emailed the oldest’s language arts teacher to find out why she only has a 14%. 

            I saw that mediation is ordered for October 16.  I’m putting a lot of hope on that day.  I’m deciding, again, what I can negotiate and what I really don't want to budge on.  I’m also realizing the potential for me to have to live a restrained sort of life.  Part of me doesn’t want spousal support.  How that support is worded is that I have not yet earned that money.  In order for me to get that money there are contingencies, basically I have to put my life on hold.  Adam has already told me it must be nice that he supports me and I do nothing in return.  I feel like the court ordering spousal support gives Adam validation for that way of thinking.  But here’s how I see it.  I already earned it.  I earned it by putting my schooling on hold so Adam could do his.  I earned it by being a stay at home mom even when times were tough and I wanted to work outside the home to help the family but Adam said no.  I earned it by being an emotional support while Adam built a career.  I don’t want a contingent spousal support, I want spousal compensation.  I want something that validates what I did and sacrificed for 14 years without making me earn it all over again.  I know that isn’t how the law is written.  I know that Adam will get to continue holding it over me that he is a financial support and I couldn’t make it without him.  I know he gets to keep that power. 

September 21, 2014

            Mom called, she is unable to take care of littlest next week.  I texted Adam and he will be able to pick littlest up and drop him off with the big kids.  On Friday he will pick him up before I go to work and then take him to my friend Amanda.  I’m a bit nervous realizing Mom might not be able to watch littlest anymore and Adam has already given me a hard time about paying for childcare.

            Adam also texted me asking if he could drop the kids off at 5:15 instead of 7pm.  I told him Sunday is my only day not working this week and after having the kids on the weekend a few weeks ago followed by working the next weekend and then being on convalescence the next weekend, the house was needing me to clean and I needed to grocery shop.  He said he needed to go to “a thing” at the university and could drop the kids off when he finished.  I asked if I could just pick them up at 7pm and he said that would work.

            When I picked the kids up, little girl told me she had fun with Jenny.  They played hide and seek.  I asked if daddy played too and little girl said no.  Then the three oldest kids told me about going for a walk with Uncle Spencer down the main road, again daddy was at home.  Then the three oldest kids were out and about in the neighborhood and dealing with some bullies that made Ms. Middle Child cry.  Oldest Child posted on Facebook about there being a**holes in the town.  I asked where Spencer or Adam were and she said home.  Then I asked why they were out so late.  She said it wasn’t too late.  I said she posted at nearly 11pm at night.  She said that was when they got home.  Hmm, so our 11, 13, and 14 year old were outside at 11pm at night with no adult supervision.  Am I crazy for thinking this is not so great parenting?

            I was shocked by an act of kindness form Adam, he sent me a cute picture of oldest and littlest cuddling. 

September 23, 2014

            I reminded Adam that he will need to pick littlest up before 7am on Friday.  Since Amanda and her kids and husband have the day off I said he should drop littlest off at 10am so they aren’t rushed.  Adam replied, “You don’t know anything about my schedule.  I’ll just talk to her.”  Okay but couldn’t he have been a bit nicer?  I apologized and explained I was just trying to work things out without putting it on Adam.  He said thanks. 

            Andi came by to pick up her daughter.  She said she would like to see if the Y will let her put Ms. Middle Child on her membership so Ms. Middle Child can do synchronized swimming.  She said she would pick Ms. Middle Child up for practices but I would need to cover the monthly fees of $50.  I told her I can’t cover that right now but would pass the info to Adam. 

September 24, 2014

            I sent Adam the following email:

“Andi asked if we would be interested in having Ms. Middle Child participate in the synchro swimming at the Y.  Andi is going to see if they will let her put Ms. Middle Child on her family plan.  The practices are Sat and Sun and Andi has said she would pick ms. Middle Child up.  All she would need is for you to cover the monthly fees (about $50).  She would also need us to transport Ms. Middle Child to meets because she would be on a different team than her own daughter. 

            From the sound of it, Ms. Middle Child had a lot of fun at the practice she got to attend.  The parent meeting hasn't been scheduled yet so you have time to think about it.  Just let me know.  And I am not letting Ms. Middle Child know just in case it isn't something she can do. 

            Also, I am not allowing the oldest two to audition for the theatre winter show.  They have not been able to maintain acceptable grades for the first half of the first quarter and I don't feel they would have any more luck if they are busy with theatre. I am not saying you cannot support them in theatre, this is just my position on it.”

            His response:

“I have to say no for Ms. Middle Child. I'm not sure if the kids told you, but I was unable to pay my mortgage last month. I have also not been able to pay the Dentist bills, littlest's eye appointment bill, or the HOA fees. My take home is now 5945 / month, which is eaten up with a $514 credit card payment, $516 payment to my previous employer (for the bonus payback), $300 tax bill, all of your bills and all of my bills. I'm about $400 in the hole each month after groceries and gas. Moving into that other house was the only means I had to prevent this situation from happening. Now, the sellers are looking at suing for breach of contract, so there's also that. 

            I've been looking for apartments or houses to rent, but the minimum price for a 3 bedroom is close to $1,000. 

            FYI, I paid off the joint credit card with money I'd collected from not paying back my own credit card after travel and some money from teaching (that was supposed to go to a house down payment). The minimum payment was close to $900 / month. 

            I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.”

            My first reaction was to say “I told you so.”  But I didn’t.  My next reaction was to say, “Stop playing the victim.”  But I didn’t.  I opted to say nothing because nothing I had to say was nice.  I don’t care that he cannot pay his mortgage.  I don’t care that he cannot pay dental bills or the copay for littlest’s eye appointment.  I don’t care he cannot pay the HOA fees. 

            Adam has held it against me that I said leaving his previous employer was a bad idea.  He said I was only worried about the pay cut.  Yes, I was because we had two mortgages to afford and seven children to provide for.  He said I didn’t care about him being happy at work.  I did but I also know as responsible adults and parents we have to do things that aren’t fun, like working at a company that pays enough money that your family can make ends meet.  Adam chose to leave a very good paying job with incredible earning potential for the position he currently has.  He chose to take a $40K pay-cut so now he can deal with those consequences. And, unfortunately, now I have to pay the same consequences because the support he will (hopefully) be ordered to pay will now be less. 

            Adam says he doesn’t know what he is going to do.  Um, how about do the contracting work he said he could do when he changed jobs?  Or how about start that business that he claimed would bring in lots of money?  Or how about get a second job during the week when he has no obligations other than work since the university allows him to work elsewhere 20% of the time?  How about all those options? 

And I really wonder how much credit card debt he has incurred since moving out that his bill is $514 a month.  He paid off his Sears, Home Depot and JCP cards.  He paid of the joint card.  As far as I know that only leaves the personal card he used for business travel that he obviously opted to not pay when he got reimbursed.  He chose to squirrel away money for a down payment on a house he didn’t talk to me about purchasing until after he had already signed a good faith agreement.  I feel he is blaming me for the choice he made to not collaborate on that item and me ultimately deciding to not sign.  I’m sorry things are tight for him but how he runs his home and his budget is not my problem unless he ruins my credit or causes my utilities to get shut off.  He claimed to be the one that could budget better even though I had been the one making sure bills were paid for 14 years.  Well, now he can learn to make his income fit the budgeting needs.  And I will have to figure out how to make my budget work when Adam stops paying bills (which hopefully doesn’t happen until I am getting support). 

Another thought on the matter, if Adam wasn’t able to pay his mortgage in August, why didn’t he use the money he had in savings?  Instead he chose to use all $17K on the joint credit card.  Why not pay the mortgage?  Why not keep that cash on hand if he was “in the hole” $400 a month? 

Adam is covering the mortgage and utilities for me.  I am not ungrateful for that support.  I also recognize that if he had “given” me back the control of those bills I would not be able to pay them right now.  But I also know simple math.  The mortgage is less than $1300, water $100, Vectren $200, DPL $200.  That’s about $1800.  I make around the same amount and every cent I earn goes to buying food for the kids, gas for the van so I can get to work and get the kids to school, and purchase anything the kids need.  Adam makes more than triple what I make.  I am frustrated by this situation.  So frustrated.