The bang continued into July

July 2, 2014

            I asked Adam if he would consider going back to transferring my allowance on Thursdays so I would have money to buy groceries on my way home from work.  He agreed, yay!  He said he set a reminder on his calendar. 

            He also let me know he had to spend $2200 on a new A/C coil and purchased the the three oldest kids and himself beds so they aren’t sleeping on the floors.  I’m wondering where he got all the money for this stuff since he claims to be “living in the poor house.” And by beds he meant frames, not the mattresses.

July 4, 2014

            Adam needed the login for TurboTax.  That seems like a simple enough request but whenever I go to the site I am automatically logged in.  I tried to log in using my normal passwords but nothing worked.  Then I realized Adam did our taxes this year and suggested he might have changed the password.  He didn’t change the password but continued trying my email addresses and passwords in different combos (I guess) then got it. 

            Adam let me know that for the new mortgage there would be paperwork for me to sign for tax info and acknowledging that I know he is purchasing a home and it is separate property.  He asked if I was willing to sign so he can be closer to the kids and be a more active part in their lives.  He said he didn’t expect me to block him form purchasing so now he is asking.  I told him I can’t block him but if he chooses to close before the dissolution is complete then the property is marital property and I have nothing to do with that.  And I don’t understand how living closer equals being more active in their lives.  He works 10 minutes away.  He can easily pop in after work as long as he clears it with me first.  He does not need to live around the corner.

            He then told me he closes on 8/11 and we can add the property to the dissolution negotiations.  He assumes I will let him have it especially since he “agreed to basically just ‘gift’” me all the equity in the van and this house.  He said nothing he is getting out of the dissolution has any equity.  He said I could block him if I don’t sign the USAA papers.  He needs me to cooperate and for me to play nice. 

            Couple of issue I have with this bit.  We purchased the van as the vehicle I would use to transport children.  We sold the other van I drove prior to that.  He went out and bought the van and did not allow me to go because he felt he could get a better deal without me around.  He then put the van in his name only. I understand it is his van but I’m the one that has been driving it for seven years! Second, I have been trying to play nice.  I would like to cooperate but that means he needs to communicate.

            So, in my own effort to cooperate and play nice I told him that as long as I had the papers in advance and could have my lawyer look over them I would sign if advised to sign.  He said there was a tax form needing to be signed immediately.  I told him I meet with my attorney on Tuesday to discuss signing realtor papers and I would add this tax form to the discussion.  He sent me nicely focused and centered photos of the papers on FB.  Then added “ I guess if you like to spend your money that way? I don’t get it.”  Um, I like getting my attorney’s advise on legal matters because I am in the middle of a dissolution, seems like a good idea. 

            When Adam dropped the kids off tonight he came to the kitchen door.  He was leaning against the frame telling me he needs me to sign the papers right now.  He cannot wait until I see the lawyer on Tuesday.  The kids were all standing around and things were getting heated so I told Adam he needed to leave, I wasn’t comfortable continuing the conversation.  He stood up, puffed out his chest and seemed like he might press me further. I admit, I was even worried he might get physical.  He made a comment about me doing like I always do, stopping the conversation because I want to and only worrying about my wants and myself.  He brought up the “never answering his texts, too. " I said I don’t answer his aggressive texts.  All the rest I answer. I mentioned him buying the “actual beds” and pointed out they all had mattresses and he purchased frames.  Not exactly a need to have mattresses off the floor.  He said “Just like you to still focus on you.” He also said, “You have an income now.”  I told him I do not get paid until I have been working a month. “You have an income now.”  Repeated. No, I do not! I asked him again to leave and he finally did.  I was shaking and crying by then.     

July 7, 2014

            Asked Adam in text if he could take the kids to auditions Sunday.  Everyone but littlest can audition and they are super excited! 

July 8, 2014

            Never heard back form Adam.  I don’t want audition times to fill up so I went ahead and scheduled them for Monday when I can take them. 

July 9, 2014

            I asked Adam if I could bring the kids a little late on Friday because Oldest has a hair appointment at 5pm.  I haven’t gotten the thumbs up.

June ended with a bang

June 19, 2014

            I had to remind Adam to transfer the weekly allowance, again.  He let me know he is listing the the house he lives in with the realtor we used before, Judy.  He said it is too expensive and inconvenient.  He is looking at moving in my neighborhood.

June 20, 2014

            Littlest has his eye appointment today.  I asked Adam to let me know when they finish up.  I didn’t hear anything and got upset and kind of lectured him about not being courteous.  It turns out he did call me but because my phone service is iffy in the county I work the voicemail never arrived.  I apologized for jumping down his throat.  Then he texted that his number is different.  But he never gave it to me. 

            I also discovered that another child has lice.  Again.  I asked him to fully treat his home.  He sent me a how to video for treating lice.  Lovely.

June 23, 2014

            T-Mobile has a huge dead zone in covering my work area and I haven’t been able to use my phone on a regular basis.  In the building at work I have no service at all.  I asked around and everyone said ATT works great.  I told Adam I need to switch back to ATT.

            I also asked him to find out what his monthly premium for health insurance will be once I am removed.  That way we can decide who has the cheaper coverage and sign the kids up under that one.  I also need to know if he has a rider for the children on his life insurance.  I need to be signed up for the correct benefits in about two weeks. 

            Then he threw me a  “I asked T-Mobile to switch responsibility for your phone and your mom’s to you” wrench.  He said I also would get the debt for the remaining balance of the phones we purchased me (including the dead Galaxy). 

            He said now that I know my gross pay and once he finds out his gross from the university we can figure out the support.  The papers he filled out assumed I would make minimum wage (thanks for the vote of confidence) and me having 100% custody.  He said after that he would put the bills back under my control.  Didn't he say he was going to do that a couple months back? He wants us to be steady before making any more changes to the dissolution.  He wants to move closer to the kids so he can have more of a 50/50 schedule with them and be more involved with their school and social lives. 

            So he gets to declare what changes can happen and when?  Why can’t he be involved with the kids school lives now?  He works only 10-15 minutes away.  Plus, it isn’t like he was active when he lived with them. 

June 25, 2014

            I asked Adam if it is okay if littlest goes to the same PreK program #6 went to last year.  This will work nicely with my schedule.  Littlest will only need after school care and transportation.  Adam said that is great.  Then he said he found my memory stuff.  It was mixed in under his “military junk” in the army trunk.  He set it aside for me.  It will be nice to have those things back. 

June 26, 2014

            Had a co-parenting moment.  Ms. Middle Child said that Adam changed the rule about not sending pictures over texts.  I caught her sneaking onto FB late at night and had to remove her privileges.  I also took her phone away.  I let Adam know he can still contact Ms. Middle Child, it will just have to be through my phone.  He said he did not change the rule and he chose to also remove her access while at his house.  He thanked me for keeping him informed. 

            Adam took this calm conversation time and said he needs me to get papers back to his realtor, Judy, ASAP.  Followed by this list:

            “#1.) I have a call into HR about the cost of the employee + kids health insurance and the life insurance rider. I'll let you know right away when they get back with me. #2.) Previously you mentioned doing a two-week summer schedule. You can keep the kids for a second week this week, which will give me a chance to get my A/C working and finish lice treatment. I'll have them for Warped Tour (16 July) and you'll have them when I'm out of town (22 to 27 July). If you want to be able to use the community pool let me know and I'll let you borrow the key fob. #3.) Last Friday I called you from the new number so you'd have it, but if you didn't see it, here it is. #4.) Sorry if it sounds like I'm being pushy about the contract papers. I was hoping to have a photographer take pictures of the house already. I do need you to sign them as soon as you can because if we aren't able to get the house on the market now, I'm afraid we'll end up being landlords again until next summer. If you are not willing to let me sell the house, please let me know and we can discuss it. #5.) I think that's all. :)  “

            It’s nice that he wants to discuss things with me now but it would have been nicer when he first decided to sell.  I didn’t say that to him instead I texted:

            “1. I believe the difference between employee and employee/family for me is $233. If your plan is more expensive would you want me to cover the kids and you pay me the $233? 2. We already agreed to only do one week uninterrupted at a time so I will drop them off tomorrow night at the usual time. I wasn’t aware that you would be out of town July 22-27. I have plans for that weekend already. 3. I believe I told you that my phone never registered a call from you last week. This is the main reason I need to switch my service provider; I basically do not have a cell phone while at work. As long as I am in the office I have a work phone. I do appreciate you giving me the new number so if there is an emergency with a child I can contact you more immediately than a Facebook message allows. 4. I contacted my attorney to find out if I could sign the papers. Unfortunately, he has not had an open appointment to discuss the matter with me. I tried to contact Judy a couple times to let her know the reason for the delay but she never answered her phone.”

June 27, 2014

            It looks like it will be cheaper for Adam to carry the medical insurance for the children.  He looked up the coverage and it’s about $40 cheaper.  I asked him to just make sure the pediatrician is in network so we can keep the kids with the same provider. 

            I got a bit of a surprise from Adam.  I asked him to transfer my weekly allowance and he said, “You get a monthly allowance of 1700, not a weekly.  You’ve gotten 1700 this month.  I suggested he start giving me the monthly amount in a lump sum so I can properly budget.  How I understood the allowance he decided to give was that I got $200/wk for groceries, $100/wk for fuel, and $125/wk for incidentals.  I misunderstood.  He said, “No no no.  I gave you a written monthly budget.  You decided it was week-to-week, even after I told you a few times it was not. “ I responded “Fine.  I expect $1700 on July 1.”  He said to expect it all I want but he couldn’t do it and apparently I am to know that. 

Then we had a back and forth about him expecting me to feed the children without any money from him.  He said it was not his problem that I “blew through it.”  He added that I didn’t need to buy food for the kids because evidently he had the kids this week. 

            I got a bit nasty in my response.  I said shame on me for blowing my money on groceries, gas, and multiple lice treatment kits.  I added he only has the kids for the weekend not the week.  I pointed out that his text about another uninterrupted week sounded like his week would be July 16. 

            He responded with this:

            “You have an incredibly generous discretionary budget and all your bills are paid, I don't know what else to tell you. Also, no... I will have the kids for the full week like we agreed (and like you confirmed again last night). Since you said 'no' to the two-week schedule, I've since cancelled a trip to accommodate your plans for the weekend of the 25th. I will drop the kids back off with you on the 4th, and then receive them again the 11th. As far as the house, you can sign if you agree to selling it ... we're not in a court battle and I don't intend to be in one. I will be moving to your neighborhood in August and it would be great if we could return to getting along like normal people. I've extended a lot of cooperation and trust to you since you left your 'olive branch' note on my car (and even before that, like the day I was moving out). Unfortunately, you've seemed to go in and out of being really nasty to me, doing spiteful and rude things, constantly trying to get one over on me, and giving me silence when I ask questions or try to sincerely reach out. I don't understand your need to do that or to pick fights with me. I'm not stupid, and I know you back and forth. I am still the same generous and loving person I was when we were together and I'll still bend over backwards to help you or anyone that's not trying to battle with me, and you know it. Yes, it hurt me like hell that you loved someone else more than me and I had some very strong emotional jealous reactions to that (all the way since January). But now I'm past all that and I hope you would get past that too so we can move on to our new lives with happiness instead of misery. If you really desire a cooperative arrangement, then please choose to be cooperative.”

            I get that there was a misunderstanding about the parenting time.  I am trying to help him see that I do not agree and he is refusing to hear me.  The fact that our original agreement was for him to have the children on weekends means he is not accommodating me in any way.  I make plans for the weekends when I don’t have the children.  The “olive branch” I extended to him was ignored for nearly a week. And what the heck is he talking about when he says I am doing nasty things to him and being spiteful and rude?!  

Adam's rule

June 18, 2014

            I just got a message that Adam wants to “be friends” on Facebook again.  I didn’t respond quickly enough and he seems upset.  He said I was his best friend the majority of his life and that it still meant a lot to him.  He said it was important to him that we play nice since we are the important people in the kids’ lives.  He said it was my choice but he was to the point emotionally where he thought we could share life experiences and talk without having huge blowouts.

            He plans to drop the kids off on Friday and pick them up the following Friday.  I miss them so much!  I tried to positively reframe him having them for a full week.  I thought it is my first week working and it will be nice to not have the chaos of children when I get home.  But I was wrong.  After listening to stories of kids being abused I just want to take care of my children.  I want to hold them and know they are okay. That’s not to say I think Adam is hurting them, but I need to see them and know they are whole. 

            Adam has changed his mind about Gary being allowed around the children.  This stinks.  He said they can be introduced but Gary is not to be in the house at night when the kids are here and he never wants them around him unsupervised.  He said every therapist, lawyer and other person he talks to has said he needs to draw a firm boundary with me on this and asked me to respect his wishes.

            I respect his wishes as the childrens’ father.  I asked him to clarify “at night” since in the summer night happens at 10 pm and winter closer to 5pm.  Or does he mean Gary cannot sleep over.  Then he said he doesn’t want Gary spending time around the children, I guess at all, which is contradictory to him saying they can meet.  He said meeting is not the same as spending time with. 

            This new rule is a shame.  Gary’s kids and our kids were all set to meet each other next week.  Gary and I had a fun meet up planned. 

            I asked that Adam follow the same rule when it comes to his girlfriends.  He said his request did not extend to all the men I date (cause I date a lot, oh wait no I don’t) only to Gary.  I said I understand but I also think it is a good rule in general, thus the reason Gary and I agreed to wait 6 months before introducing each other to children.  I think the rule is a good safety net for the kids no matter who we are each dating.  He never replied. 

            I do understand Adam’s concern about having a man he doesn't know around the children. But he is forgetting a few things.   Gary is not a pedophile.  He has never preyed on children.  Then there is me.  I am a loving parent that doesn’t want to put my children in danger.  I am not going to leave them with anyone until I fully trust that person.  I trust Gary.   I trust Gary more than I trust Adam.  Adam after all had nonconsensual sex with his wife: it just so happens he talked his way out of that.

             

I could get use to this

June 10, 2014

            The oldest is not doing well in school.  She is on the verge of not being advanced to ninth grade.  Adam said I should help her out instead of letting her learn a lesson.  The problem is we have been helping her and she still skips her work.  He said if he had known weeks ago he would have helped her out.  It made me feel like he was saying I kept him out of the loop.  The vice principal only just let me in on the problem.  I’ve been checking the Progress Book site and have her do work that is missing.  It’s not like I am slacking.  But I am not going to hold her hand.  I will remind her and give her time to work.  She has to actually do the assignments.  I mentioned that she shouldn’t have gone to a friend’s house while with Adam since she knew she had work to do. Then Adam told me to be there for her and support her today and to tell her she is punished at his house.  I think he should be telling her these things.

            Then came littlest's well visit.  He is well except for some freckles on his head.  She’s referring him to a couple of specialists to make sure he doesn’t have a disorder.  I asked the pediatrician about discussing divorce things with the kids.  Her advice is to just ask them how they are doing and how things are at Adam’s home.  She said I am the mom and nothing is off limits.  If I have a concern he is drinking too much while he has them then I ask the kids.  She said don’t ask leading questions and make sure the kids know the door is wide open for communication: the same way we do sex talk stuff. 

            Adam agreed and said he has already been doing this.  He also said he doesn’t think  slipping grades is related to the divorce because it has always been a problem.  He thinks maybe it is just because we aren’t a focused team effort.

            Then we talked a bit about the kids.  It was nice to have a normal conversation.  I mentioned a progress book like site for the middle and high schoolers that the lady at  registration told me about.  She said Adam is signed up for it and asked if I had access.  Nope.  Adam doesn’t know the password for his account either.  I have my own and he can set his up. 

            I let Adam know there is a thing at the STEM tonight.  I figured one of the kids would have told him or he would have gotten the many emails the school sent out but he didn’t know.  He was able to come and took the tour of her class project.

            I had a “questions, comments, concerns” conversation with the kids.  I know they hate these but it is the best way I know to make sure they communicate with me.  They brought up liking having Adam come for dinner in the middle of the week.  They all voted that Tuesdays are best.  They want him to come over so he can see the dog.  I told them I would let Adam know and see if he would like to have dinner here with them on a weekly basis.  I figure I can cook a meal and disappear out of the house for a few hours no problem.  Adam said he would need to think about it because when he has come over before it was a “sucker punch” when he left.  It’s a shame he has to think about seeing his kids.  But that’s just my opinion.  I don’t want to make this “good” conversation day bad so I will keep that bit to myself.

June 11, 2014

            I invited him to come over to see littlest for his 4th birthday.  I said I would do birthday stuff during the day and Adam could have the evening.  I asked if he wanted to have dinner with the kids but he didn’t say.  He plans to only stay1-2 hours. 

June 12, 2014

            I hit a brick wall at the library.  One of the kids put a book on hold and I was going to pick it up for her.  I couldn’t because she doesn’t have her card and Adam only put his name on her account.  I asked him to pick it up for her.  He said he could do it.  Good, she’s been waiting a while for it to arrive. 

            I let Adam know how the birthday went and sent him a couple pics.  He asked if I still have the tent and fishing poles.  He wants to take the kids camping this weekend and needs the stuff plus the sleeping bags.  I said I would bring what I could find. 

            Then we switched info about kid doctor and eye appointments.  Adam wants to know if he should just keep the kids for an uninterrupted week.  I only need him to take them to a couple appointments but he can get his week if he wants it.  No response from him. 

            I did our birthday celebration and was ready to leave by the time Adam came.  He didn’t stay very long.  But yay for a conversation that didn’t include attacking me!

June 13, 2014

            Mr. 4 year old loves the scooter Adam got him for his birthday.  I made sure to text Adam a picture of it being used.

            I asked Adam to transfer my allowance, again.  He said he wishes I would take two weeks at a time.  He said Fridays are super busy. I told him to set up an auto transfer but if he wanted to manually transfer two weeks at a time, fine.  He said he could do that but needed my account info to set up the transfer because he doesn’t want to use the joint account anymore.  I told him I would prefer to not give him that info.  Then I suggested a check.  Five minutes into the conversation he had the money transferred.  He is too busy to remember to do that each week? 

            He said he wants to close the joint account because USAA still defaults to that account to pay bills and he wants it to stop.  He has over drafted and doesn’t want to pay any more fees.  That’s nice.  He can give me a check then.  I am not giving him access to my account.

            Then I took littlest to the neuro. appointment.  It went well.  We will need to watch the moles he has but it is looking like he does not have Neurofibromatosis.  The eye appointment Adam is taking him to will be the final say. 

            I sent a father’s day gift with the kids.  They better remember to give it to him! I would hate for him to feel like I did on mother’s day. 

June 14, 2014

            Another text conversation with Adam.  One of the kids asked me (over text) if they were staying all week.  I didn’t think so because Adam never responded when I asked.  I let him know if he wanted to keep them for his uninterrupted week that it was fine.  

I had received a text from Billy asking for white undershirts.  I suggested Adam take care of that.  It is interesting that the kids ask me for things they need and not him- even when they are at his house. Adam did finally respond that he would keep them all week.  I wish he had let me know before I dropped them off.  I would have packed more things for them and given them extra hugs. 

June 16, 2014

            First Monday without the kids and first day of work.  It went okay.  Adam let me know the kids are fine.  He hopes I am enjoying quiet time.